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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it me?

127 replies

Sonaftersonafterson · 12/09/2021 10:14

Morning everyone, new here and first post but I've been reading for years and some of the advice on here has helped a lot. So I wanted some opinions on my new relationship please. I dont know what to think or if I'm being silly. Divorced last year, 3 kids. I have dated a bit... but it's not gone well and maybe I'm jaded with this guy but I'm about to call it off.

Met 6 weeks ago. Both divorced and wanting a nice, easy relationship nothing heavy except respect. Both got kids. Hes been great, in touch every day, sex is considerate and fun, hes intelligent and sweet. Lately though, he is taking hours to reply to me. His excuse being he is preoccupied. He is quite straight in the way he talks, but started to open up yesterday and so I took the opportunity to tell him that our last little rendezvous was so much fun, how I loved that there was no awkwardness, how it felt natural and was so sexy. Sent at 5pm. Read. Ignored. I felt a bit silly. Waited until 11pm, his bed time, to see if a response was coming or even a goodnight. Nope. So I messaged him saying "no reply to that!? Sorry if I freaked you out, I was just saying I think were a good fit'.
He replied saying "nah you didnt freak me out. I'll tell you if you don't

I was pretty taken aback. I expected "no course not! I feel the same!". I thought my message was nice, he had been talking that day about wanting to be with me and I thought we were all good.

Meant to be meeting Wednesday and I want to cancel. I feel stupid. I was really expressive and he was just flat. Everything else is good.... would you feel the same? Convo leading up to my message was a bit sexy / flirty from him so I thought my message was in line. He made me feel like a pervy creep!!

OP posts:

Misty9 · 13/09/2021 23:04

Hmm, I'd be inclined to think the same as you. Next!

AdriannaP · 13/09/2021 23:08

You sound hard work OP. Why don’t you chill a bit, enjoy it for now and see where it goes.
All this drama over he has read it but not replied, he replied the wrong things, you cancel a date, oh no it’s back on, he doesn’t chose a venue. I feel exhausted just reading this.

Notashandyta · 13/09/2021 23:08

He likes the chase.

No care for your feelings.

Dump.

Notmoresugar · 13/09/2021 23:15

Hmm he is beginning to sound like a bit of head-fuck.
Two can play at that game and I would leave him dangling for ages before I replied to him from now on and see how he likes it.
The problem is it's game playing which it shouldn't be if it's got potential.
I don't take prisoners, so if he carried on like it, he'd be out.

mswales · 13/09/2021 23:25

Oh my god OP please decide what the guy is like based on your actual interactions with him not based on the type of language he uses in text messages! I actually feel really sorry for this guy. For all you know he could be trying to be accommodating to you by saying I'm easy! And your message about the hotel totally sounds like a reply to his message which didn't warrant another reply from him. It just sounds like you were saying yeah me too the sex was great!
Please don't end something great due to how someone communicates in text form - TALK to the guy

MMmomDD · 13/09/2021 23:33

OP - you seem like a needy teenager here. You overanalyse the minutiae of your text conversations and have extreme emotional reactions to them.
This is quite high maintenance. I hope you realise that and figure out why you need this much constant confirmation

You just met. You don’t know each other well - and you do seem to communicate differently.
Not everyone wants/can chat continuously.
And if you want a relationship is real life - i.e. not a virtual one - why it conduct it in real world.

In simplest terms - you had plans. You cancelled. He made an effort to get you to reschedule. You are seeing each other in a few days. I presume he have an actual life that doesn’t involve sitting with a phone texting all day.
People differ in their communication and attachment style. Yours seems to be quite a anxious one.

TheHouseIsOnFire · 13/09/2021 23:54

What did your reply say?

I’d be tempted to now not interact at all and see what happens, whether he comes up with a plan, or just lets it lapse without you driving it forward.

FWIW I knew someone like this. He’d text asking when I was free, I’d tell him two dates and then nothing. Until the next week, same thing again. By the 3rd time I told him not to bother, that he was crap at texting and that I wasn’t waiting around for his replies, that I’d be going out on my free nights. I did just that and met my lovely DP shortly afterwards.

QueenBee52 · 14/09/2021 00:02

He sounds utterly draining.. throws you a piece of cheese and sits back expecting you to arrange everything..

Nope.. chuck him back OP.. time for a new page lady 🌸🎉

Guineapigbridge · 14/09/2021 00:11

You're really hard work.

Guineapigbridge · 14/09/2021 00:13

He said he's easy. He's trying to be easy going and adaptable to your schedule FFS. And you're getting pissy about nothing. And making it way more complicated than it needs to be.

shivermetimbers77 · 14/09/2021 00:15

@mswales

Oh my god OP please decide what the guy is like based on your actual interactions with him not based on the type of language he uses in text messages! I actually feel really sorry for this guy. For all you know he could be trying to be accommodating to you by saying I'm easy! And your message about the hotel totally sounds like a reply to his message which didn't warrant another reply from him. It just sounds like you were saying yeah me too the sex was great! Please don't end something great due to how someone communicates in text form - TALK to the guy

I agree with this entirely!

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 14/09/2021 01:12

The more you pull back, the more he wants to make arrangements to meet up. When you are a little more forthcoming he loses interest again. It’s all about the chase for him.
That said you seem to be over analysing every message he sends and cancelling dates etc. Its only been 6 weeks. It doesn’t sound like this is working for either of you and it’s probably best to go your own separate ways.

FlowerArranger · 14/09/2021 01:23

It's only been 6 weeks. It doesn’t sound like this is working for either of you and it’s probably best to go your own separate ways.

Too early to tell. And too early to be over invested.

OP needs to relax a little and see how it goes.

SkiingIsHeaven · 14/09/2021 01:44

Poor guy. Just put him out of his misery so he has a chance to meet someone less high maintenance.

Mintjulia · 14/09/2021 01:54

This is why I'd be hopeless at dating. I can't be the only one who isn't surgically attached to my phone. If a text comes in, I may not see it for hours. Or I may read it just as I'm going out on the school run and then not have time to respond until much later.
None of which would mean I was blowing hot and cold, I was just busy.

Maybe he was just busy. Why cancel a date with someone you like? It all seems pretty self-defeating to me.

Or maybe you just have fine-tuned instincts. But I couldn't deal it. Too complicated and demanding.

timeisnotaline · 14/09/2021 01:59

Hmm I’d reply I’m not bothered so we can meet where suits you, let me know.

timeisnotaline · 14/09/2021 02:01

But it’s a bit much effort. I’d say once we met in person that in texting you don’t really reply/reciprocate when the message is personal which makes me feel you want to keep it casual, and in arranging things you only make an effort when you see I’m not going to. I’m not cool with the default being I do the work. It’s nice to have someone say thoughtful things to me too and arrange dates, not just when I step back.

Derbee · 14/09/2021 02:03

I think you’re not suited.

He seems relatively normal, and you seem like you need constant reassurance, immediate replies to all your messages, and someone who makes themselves available to you 100% of their time, in case you need something.

You are playing very strange head fuck games by cancelling dates, then arranging them, then wanting to back out because he didn’t give you an IMMEDIATE a time and location.

It’s all very intense, and far from normal on your side. He might be looking for a normal relationship with a normal person, and this might end up being too much hard work for you both

Derbee · 14/09/2021 02:05

Your message to him sounded like a response to his message saying he’s looking forward to seeing you again.

Your message didn’t need a reply. Otherwise you have to keep texting forever, or risk offending the other person?! Mental

RBKB · 14/09/2021 06:01

OP I am gonna put my oar in...

Texting is very minor compared with HOW a person actually IS... I have known prolific over texters who actually were complete shits.

Your message about the nice night made me feel awkward. To me...when you really articulate something like that, it kind of makes it completely UN sexy.

He seems very nice. You have different styles of texting. Dump if you must....but...you might look back and regret it.

supercali77 · 14/09/2021 06:02

OP. I would follow your instincts here. I dont think you're insecure or unchill. Actually I'd like it if everyone stopped with the 'be chill' mandate. Time and energy are our most precious resources as single parents especially. I was with someone for 5 months who did this. I came forward, he stepped back, I stepped back, he came forward. Youre basically never heading for a relationship with this dance. It was apparent really early on but I ignored my instincts because 'its only early days'. Someone who's into it makes plans, replies, doesn't leave you guessing. It isn't that hard

Folk can say what they like about it only being 6 weeks, like you've got a year to waste on this. It doesn't take months to figure out someone isn't suited to you. Most of us can instinctual suss someone out quickly. Follow your instincts, you're doing well

supercali77 · 14/09/2021 06:20

Re you're always planning the dates and him saying 'im easy'. You cant beat the Matthew Hussey classic reply 'As much as I love planning, I think it'd be more fun if you decide' or a variant of that

TheFoundations · 14/09/2021 06:47

When 'Is it me?' is interchangeable with 'Is it just a bit silly?', disregard it. It's the most blatant form of self invalidation there is.

You spent some time with someone you don't really know, you expressed to him in your own style how you felt about it, and his response made you feel unsettled. 'Is it me?' is asking whether you are right or wrong to feel unsettled: there are no rules. He made you feel unsettled, and maybe you made him feel unsettled, too. The question isn't 'Is it just me being silly?', the question is 'Do I want this unsettled feeling?'

Work out your boundaries. Are you ok with this as a one-off? Is it a sackable offense? Are you willing to stick with him to see if he unsettles you again?

This isn't about whether you're being silly or not. This is about you finding someone with whom you consistently feel great. If you're posting on a forum about him and how he makes you feel after 6 weeks, he's probably a no go.

waterrat · 14/09/2021 07:25

I think you will drive yourself mad judging him by messages. Deal with how he treats you in real life.

FlowerArranger · 14/09/2021 07:33

I disagree. OP is far too intense and emotional. She said so herself. She reacts on the spur of the moment and makes impulsive decisions without thinking things through. If she continues like this, the same pattern will repeat itself endlessly. She has to learn self-control, to be able to sit with her emotions and reflect about the best course of action in any given situation..

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