Is it me?

[Sonaftersonafterson]

Morning everyone, new here and first post but I've been reading for years and some of the advice on here has helped a lot. So I wanted some opinions on my new relationship please. I dont know what to think or if I'm being silly. Divorced last year, 3 kids. I have dated a bit... but it's not gone well and maybe I'm jaded with this guy but I'm about to call it off.

Met 6 weeks ago. Both divorced and wanting a nice, easy relationship nothing heavy except respect. Both got kids. Hes been great, in touch every day, sex is considerate and fun, hes intelligent and sweet. Lately though, he is taking hours to reply to me. His excuse being he is preoccupied. He is quite straight in the way he talks, but started to open up yesterday and so I took the opportunity to tell him that our last little rendezvous was so much fun, how I loved that there was no awkwardness, how it felt natural and was so sexy. Sent at 5pm. Read. Ignored. I felt a bit silly. Waited until 11pm, his bed time, to see if a response was coming or even a goodnight. Nope. So I messaged him saying "no reply to that!? Sorry if I freaked you out, I was just saying I think were a good fit'.
He replied saying "nah you didnt freak me out. I'll tell you if you don't

I was pretty taken aback. I expected "no course not! I feel the same!". I thought my message was nice, he had been talking that day about wanting to be with me and I thought we were all good.

Meant to be meeting Wednesday and I want to cancel. I feel stupid. I was really expressive and he was just flat. Everything else is good.... would you feel the same? Convo leading up to my message was a bit sexy / flirty from him so I thought my message was in line. He made me feel like a pervy creep!!

To echo a PP, I think it depends how exactly you defined “nothing heavy”. Dealing with emotions, delving into how you make each other feel, etc might be what he considers “heavy”. It might be he doesn’t want to go there. A lot of men, especially, aren’t big on bonding over conversation - its why you get things like Gone Fishing: men having to be engaging in an activity together during which they open up, because just meeting for a chat seems too heavy, I guess.

That is odd and potentially manipulative. I might carry on while it feels good but bring it up when it feels right, and do bring it up. At the very least he has doubts. It is not good either if he is not aware or if he does not care about how that reply would make you feel.

His reaction will tell you all you need to know. Either he makes you feel paranoid, sensitive or stupid or he acknowledges and explains.

Are you always so intense and prone to react while you're hot and bothered?

@FlowerArranger

Yes, very much so. Which us why I dont trust myself sometimes but no matter how i look at it, his messages seem cold, considering. I recall a message a week or so back where I said to him how much I was enjoying getting to know him. His reply "thanks". Followed by "good timing because I've had a shitty day". No reciprocation, just thanks! I let that go but did feel a bit miffed. Now this. Rightly or wrongly I think we are mismatched if he truly thinks ignoring a message like that in our early, heady days is OK. It lacks passion and makes me feel like it's all about sex. We can't see each other much due to work, kids, difficult exs, so messaging and calling is a big part of our relationship right now.

I also think you jumped the gun.

So you send a nice complementary text, in response to him sending a nice complementary text. I get that these feel like you are putting yourself out there at the beginning. But if he then replied to your text in the way that you wanted, surely you would have then had to respond in kind (as per your rules) and so on and so on, forever more. Which is kind of ridiculous.

Also you should send texts like that to tell someone what you think about them and to make them smile. Not so you get one in return

Your feelings about him may well be right, so no point beating yourself up about it. But it's always a good idea NOT to act on something which you THINK can't wait till the morning! Because it most definitely can - and most likely your response after a good night's sleep would have been more measured and you would have felt more in control. Not only in control of your emotions, but also in control of the relationship.

I think you were definitely right to listen to your instincts OP. Anyone on here who suggests that you are the game player is probably married prior to 15 years ago and has never had to navigate the toxic world of 21st century dating.

This is no reflection on you at all, but it really wouldn’t surprise me if this guy was seeing other women, or at least still chatting to them online. I don’t care if how nice he seems or whether you think you’re in the same page - this doesn’t mean anything to men.

You know when someone’s ignoring you, and any excuse at pretending to be distracted or too busy is gaslighting you. Difficult to know what to do, he might turn out to be a good one, he might be a ghoster. It’s anyone’s guess. But either way please don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.

I'm going to guess that your message was to seek a bit of reassurance that he's not just in it for sex...? I recognise it, because I have done similar many times. The problem is, the recipient doesn't realise that's what you are looking for, and just takes it as a nice text. I agree that listening to your gut if you're feeling insecure is a good idea, but base that on real life data if possible. He seems keen. What excuse did you give for cancelling? Could you roll back on it if you want to?

I actually agree with you op, that wasn’t a particularly warm or kind response and I value kindness a lot in a partner so that would show me he’s not the man for me. When dh and I had been together about a month I started a new job which required me to go somewhere I’d never been before and wait for someone to let me into the building and I was telling him over text the night before that I was a bit nervous I might get there too early and look like lemon waiting out front of the building and his response was to say “oh don’t worry I’ll be up, you can just talk to me until someone lets you in” Not a huge declaration of love or a grand gesture but just a show of warmth and kindness that showed that he’d be there for me because that’s the kind of man he is.

Thanks for everyone who has given their thoughts. Perhaps I jumped the gun but I get scared off quickly due to being hurt recently via OLD experiences... hard to know who to trust.

This one seemed different. Very emotionally intelligent. Good with words. Creative. He's a writer! So not hard for him to write something back. For me, some messages really shouldn't be ignored...or not responded to. Leaves the other person thinking

Yeah my gut is telling me something. Best not to ignore it but I'm confused

The key to future successful relationships is, whenever you feel like this, talk it through with the person, and if you still don't feel right, leave.

Nobody has to be 'at fault' or to have 'done something wrong'. Just recognise that things don't feel right for you, and make a distance between you and the cause.

In answer to your question, 'Is it me?', yes, it is you. And given that we're talking about how you feel in your relationship, you are the only person that matters, so your feelings are the only ones that matter.

Hmm. Food for thought. It is me I guess. Why am i like this! He has messaged again today, just a pic of him and "hello 😉 " . I'm still feeling sulky though and I hate myself for it.

If this matters then make sure he knows. Then if he does it again you have more proof for yourself that he's not compatible. Dont see another date as a lifelong commitment...just a second viewing???

And don't beat yourself up. Your instincts could be right. It's just difficult to be sure and I'd be inclined to proceed with caution. But you must communicate clearly your expectations re replying!

And don't beat yourself up. Your instincts could be right. It's just difficult to be sure and I'd be inclined to proceed with caution. But you must communicate clearly your expectations re replying

But by the same token don’t forget there are 2 people involved, while he sounds pretty keen on you, if more dates are cancelled he might be the one being disappointed and disappearing

It is hard to say if there was anything deliberate in his delayed response to your email, or if he is just not connected to his phone all the time. You cancelling a date because of a slow response to an email, is definitely getting into game playing territory. I would try to avoid getting into a tit for tat, I just don’t have the energy for games.

Some people are better at different methods of communication. I’m terrible on the phone but fine in person and in message. Not great at email but not awful. (Tend to write emails like messages.)

He may not be a “messager”.

Cancelling the date was brattish I know. He has since messaged saying he is "itching to see me..." and what a shame it is that we cant meet as planned. I feel so torn now. I've said next week is out, blamed kids and work... but that the week after could work and left it there. Rightly or wrongly (wrongly it would seem by general consensus) his lack of reciprocity to my message threw me and has made me feel like I'm being too keen, too eager. So I'm falling back whilst still being friendly and normal over text. See how the next week pans out and if there is one more thing that makes me pause for thought, I'll call it quits. I can see myself falling for him eventually but I absolutely cannot risk being hurt. Blindsided the last time it happened, with a different guy and my poor kids had to deal with me in a daze for weeks. Never again.

You’re setting impossibly high standards, OP. Nobody can read your mind via text message. He may have had other things to attend to.

Some people prefer to make or hear that sort of declaration face to face rather than by text. You're basically telling him you love him

How does one reply to such a text? Was he supposed to tell you he loves you/propose, send a kiss/ dick pic? I expect he didn't have a clue how to reply appropriately, hence the awkward silence.

Hang on! I didn't tell him I loved him? DID I?? Oh my god. Here's the message:

General chit chat blah blah
Him: looking forward to seeing that sexy body again soon.
Me: ahh me too! I have replayed our little hotel rendezvous over and over in my mind... so good, there was just no awkwardness, it flowed so naturally and so damn sexy! We fit together well".

That's what I wrote. Word for word. He read it instantly and then.... radio silence.

Does that really sound like a was telling him I LOVE him!?!? Genuine question because maybe that's why he went quiet. I dont love him! That wasnt what I was trying to say.

Your OP said "love"

Erm... no it didn't. It said "I loved how there was no awkwardness". I didnt tell the guy I loved him because I bloody don't!

I actually think you’re playing a blinder here. Not super keen? Not having more of my time thank you very much. No response wouldn’t be good enough for me, either.

Listen to your instincts on this one. I suspect your guy has had his interest piqued since you took a step back. I would give him one more chance by meeting up again. Be breezy about rearranging a date and quiz him in person about his texting style if you feel you want clarity. His reaction and your instincts will tell you what you need to know.

And no, that message didn’t tell him you loved him. Not at all.

But I would encourage you to think whether you do want something light with this man, or whether your freak out this early on indicates that you need to be honest that you want something deeper.

When you start dropping "love" into conversations about your feelings about you as a couple, it sounds like you're dropping a hint, or at least testing the water