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Original poster

Is it me?

127 replies

Sonaftersonafterson · 12/09/2021 10:14

Morning everyone, new here and first post but I've been reading for years and some of the advice on here has helped a lot. So I wanted some opinions on my new relationship please. I dont know what to think or if I'm being silly. Divorced last year, 3 kids. I have dated a bit... but it's not gone well and maybe I'm jaded with this guy but I'm about to call it off.

Met 6 weeks ago. Both divorced and wanting a nice, easy relationship nothing heavy except respect. Both got kids. Hes been great, in touch every day, sex is considerate and fun, hes intelligent and sweet. Lately though, he is taking hours to reply to me. His excuse being he is preoccupied. He is quite straight in the way he talks, but started to open up yesterday and so I took the opportunity to tell him that our last little rendezvous was so much fun, how I loved that there was no awkwardness, how it felt natural and was so sexy. Sent at 5pm. Read. Ignored. I felt a bit silly. Waited until 11pm, his bed time, to see if a response was coming or even a goodnight. Nope. So I messaged him saying "no reply to that!? Sorry if I freaked you out, I was just saying I think were a good fit'.
He replied saying "nah you didnt freak me out. I'll tell you if you don't

I was pretty taken aback. I expected "no course not! I feel the same!". I thought my message was nice, he had been talking that day about wanting to be with me and I thought we were all good.

Meant to be meeting Wednesday and I want to cancel. I feel stupid. I was really expressive and he was just flat. Everything else is good.... would you feel the same? Convo leading up to my message was a bit sexy / flirty from him so I thought my message was in line. He made me feel like a pervy creep!!

OP posts:
TheHouseIsOnFire · 12/09/2021 21:37

Agree with flatwhite - the fact that he’s come back stronger about another date means that your going quiet now has made him take a step forward.

I hate playing games but unfortunately there is going to be a bit of this in dating whether you like it or not. And one of the most annoying parts of dating or relationships generally is judging how much is too much!

You’ve seen what happens when you put yourself out there and it ends up with you feeling silly and him no reciprocating. So now you know not to do that again for a while until you feel less vulnerable.

FWIW you’re going to HAVE to open up and be vulnerable at some point. There is never any guarantee or “I CAN NOT be hurt” when you’re putting your heart and soul out there. You need to be ok with putting your heart out there and potentially getting hurt.

FlowerArranger · 12/09/2021 21:44

I think your message was a bit full on and potentially open to misinterpretation. Also, you and him seem to have different styles of communicating and you still don't know each other very well. It's early days - best not to wear your heart on your sleeve just yet.

And I'd really urge you not to send 'heartfelt' messages or make important decisions, such as cancelling dates, late at night. Sleep on it is usually a better strategy.

Having said that, why not have another date with him. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. You never know, he may surprise you. Good luck Flowers

JustAnother0ldMan · 12/09/2021 22:26

I have replayed our little hotel rendezvous over and over in my mind... so good, there was just no awkwardness, it flowed so naturally and so damn sexy! We fit together well

If I was seeing someone and they sent me this message, I (personally), would interpret this as a statement of how your meet-up went, and not necessarily something that needed an immediate reply

Original poster
Sonaftersonafterson · 12/09/2021 22:27

@flatwhitewhiner

That's how it is for me. Super keen or just piss off. In the early stages anyway. Too many men out there to fuck about with someone who is, at the moment, being dull as dish water and lacks that fiery passion I so need right now. In person, he's amazing, so sweet and gentle.

He has messaged again saying he could do a different night and to please let him know. I've not replied, but I will be my usual happy self in the morning and see how it pans out.

Brakes on for now though.

I'm going to sleep on it as advised!

OP posts:
thefourgp · 12/09/2021 22:36

It’s tough OP when you’re a single parent looking for a relationship but not at that ‘finding someone to settle down with’ stage. Trying to balance messages that aren’t too emotional but aren’t too cold either. It’s not easy. Good luck.

Cherrysoup · 12/09/2021 22:40

He seems keen trying to rearrange. Maybe he really likes you but has also had shit OLD experiences so doesn’t want to fully commit? Or is just shit at phone etiquette? I had to tell my dh that not putting a x on messages made me think he wasn’t bothered.

Northeastsouthwest21 · 13/09/2021 00:02

@Sonaftersonafterson it sounds like the message he sent you was on a flirty level but the one you replied with was more intense. So he’s read it but not replied. I would take that as he isn’t on the same page yet to be saying he agrees or that he feels the same. I think if a guy doesn’t know what to say they usually don’t say anything! That doesn’t mean to say he doesn’t like you or want to see you again but it sounds like you are more emotionally invested than he is right now.

FlowerArranger · 13/09/2021 00:56

I had to tell my dh that not putting a x on messages made me think he wasn’t bothered

Which just goes to show how communication styles differ, particularly on WhatsApp and the like. For me, putting an x seems slightly flippant - like he couldn't be bothered to write something Grin

Guineapigbridge · 13/09/2021 04:02

I'm not a Texter. I give one word replies. I'd rather talk - not that often - or have a proper date face to face. I HATE the thought of conducting a relationship by text. So many opportunities for offence or misinterpretation. I think many (most?) men aren't texters, just like me. Can't you just call each other?

girlmom21 · 13/09/2021 08:30

He wanted to sext and you got all emotional and soppy on him - probably killed the vibe a little Blush

Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse · 13/09/2021 09:58

Your getting pissed off with a guy who's, amazing and so sweet and gentle because he didn't reply to one message. You're looking for an ego stroke he's looking for someone to love.
You sound like hard work and maybe you should let him go so he can find someone who appreciates his amazing, sweet and gentle nature. Because you certainly don't.

ravenmum · 13/09/2021 11:37

Him: looking forward to seeing that sexy body again soon.
Me: ahh me too! I have replayed our little hotel rendezvous over and over in my mind... so good, there was just no awkwardness, it flowed so naturally and so damn sexy! We fit together well".
I'd say your entire comment could be read as an extended "Me too". So basically "Looking forward to seeing you soon / Me too as it was great!" = natural end of conversation.

Did you meet through OLD? I know that with totally blind dates you have to watch all the little signs as you simply don't know them well enough - but as long as you're keeping yourself safe, I think it's worth giving them the benefit of the doubt at first (giving them three strikes at least), for the same reason; that you just don't know them well enough to judge initially. If he does turn out to be a dick you can still dump him later!

workshy44 · 13/09/2021 12:36

I also think you have done the right thing Op and not sure why you are getting such a hard time.
There is no question he was cooling off. It is one thing if he always took time to respond to messages but its very different if he didn't at the start and then suddenly starts to. Its so noticeable. I do think your message was too gushing though .. after 6 weeks you sound completely smitten in that text and I think it probably went to his head a bit.
Now that you have pulled back he's wondering what he has done to lose his admirer and the power balance has shifted again
Men always want what they can't have and value something that they have to chase

Notmoresugar · 13/09/2021 16:05

Your intense message would have put me off tbh.
It's too much too soon.
You've only known him for 6 weeks.
In my experience, it's never a good idea to lay your cards on the table so soon.
Slow down.

Original poster
Sonaftersonafterson · 13/09/2021 20:49

Ah christ. Yeah probably was too intense then but I didnt mean to be! I'm just expressive and he makes me smile a lot of the time.

He has messaged today with another alternative date and asking how I'm feeling so I'm seeing him Thursday. Hopefully I'm doing the right thing, but will definitely not be sending any more messages like that. I'm scared to even put a kiss now!

OP posts:
Backtoblack1 · 13/09/2021 21:12

It’s all a game and a head fuck! Enjoy the date and try not to overthink about what happens next x

fidgetmad · 13/09/2021 21:31

Fwiw I think he's really into you OP.

When I read your first few posts I wasn't convinced and wouldn't reacted same as you. However, his reaction to you cancelling tells you how he really feels. If he wanted an 'out' that would've been it but he's practically chased you and begged to see you. You're now the only playing it cool.

I also was initially agreeing that he should've replied to your message and thought it was really rude that he hadn't. However, after reading his message and your reply, I don't think it's bad at all that he didn't reply. His message before was similar and you were replying to that - maybe that's why he didn't feel the need to reply. I had originally assumed you'd sent your text out of the blue

fidgetmad · 13/09/2021 21:32

Having said all that, I wouldn't completely rule out that he may have been on another date. Only if it is really uncharacteristic for him not to reply.

And he's now panicking you're annoyed ot have sensed it.

Have you had the exclusive chat?

KissedintheDark · 13/09/2021 21:50

Messaging is the relationship killer in my opinion. There's no nuance and so many ways to interpret the written word. Can you have more phone chats in future op?

Original poster
Sonaftersonafterson · 13/09/2021 22:15

We have had the exclusive chat yeah. He initiated it early on actually, deleting the app we met on before I did. We do chat on the phone too and it's always lovely, I'm smiling the whole time.

He's definitely a bit baffled by my behaviour... I can sense it, so I've said yes to his suggestion of a date Thursday night.

OP posts:
fidgetmad · 13/09/2021 22:34

@Sonaftersonafterson

We have had the exclusive chat yeah. He initiated it early on actually, deleting the app we met on before I did. We do chat on the phone too and it's always lovely, I'm smiling the whole time.

He's definitely a bit baffled by my behaviour... I can sense it, so I've said yes to his suggestion of a date Thursday night.

Good luck OP. Other than this one off text issue it sounds great. Enjoy
Misty9 · 13/09/2021 22:41

Glad you're going to be able to talk face to face. I would gently bring up what's been going on in your head and explain that you can get insecure. Because that's who you are, and if that's an issue for him it's best to know early on? It's what I've tended to do anyway (but thereagain I'm still single!)

Original poster
Sonaftersonafterson · 13/09/2021 22:58

Maybe spoke too soon. I keep bouncing back but then we message and he seems so.... blah. He suggested Thursday, I replied that it would be lovely and let me know location. All I got back from him was "I'm easy".

I just keep thinking oh fuck off. "I'm easy". Bear in mind I've suggested location on all of our other dates too. Makes me think, he doesnt really give a shit. I replied literally a minute after his "I'm easy" message and yet he hasn't even read it yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sonaftersonafterson · 13/09/2021 23:01

I think I'm answering my own question here. His lack lustre approach is pissing me off. When I cancelled, he was all "damn it. Busy bee!" And "such a shame"... but when I agree to another date it's back to one word stupid responses. Think I'm.gonna let him go.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 13/09/2021 23:03

@Sonaftersonafterson

We have had the exclusive chat yeah. He initiated it early on actually, deleting the app we met on before I did. We do chat on the phone too and it's always lovely, I'm smiling the whole time.

He's definitely a bit baffled by my behaviour... I can sense it, so I've said yes to his suggestion of a date Thursday night.

This all sounds good, @Sonaftersonafterson!

He sounds like a potential keeper. Just be yourself, but hold back a little of yourself. Be open, but don't make yourself vulerable.

And definitely do NOT "gently bring up what's been going on in your head and explain that you can get insecure".......... NO NO NO!!! Shock