Husband stressed by me working FT

[ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn]

My husband isn’t a bad man at all. He’s kind, certainly generous, supportive and patient.

But I do think we’ve fallen into some bad habits. To give a bit of a back story, I had a run of bad luck job-wise when we met, and to cut a long story short I ended up taking a temporary teaching post where I got treated like shit on a shoe. It was pretty horrible tbh but covid and lockdown then being in third trimester meant I only actually physically worked there for a few weeks. Since I ended up off work for such a long time I did more or less everything in the house, and when I had our baby this continued.

With hindsight I should have made him step up more as he’s had a very cosseted life! He’s not a bad lazy man but he’s been WFH since the start of the pandemic, this has added a layer of stress for me as throughout my maternity I felt a bit like I was in the way and under his feet. He would have the baby for a couple of hours before starting work while I caught up on sleep but that’s more or less it, he’s not had to do night wakings or really had the baby alone for long periods. In contrast, I’ve had the baby out and about every day, gone to baby classes, long walks, met friends, had a lovely maternity leave in many ways but it’s not been quiet and chilled.

So one other thing that’s relevant here is when I had our baby I wanted to be a role model and I lost a large amount of weight. This gave me confidence and I got my dream job back in spring, to start in September. But since starting it its come as a shock to him. He constantly complains he’s tired and isn’t getting much work done because he’s tired, the baby was sent home ill from nursery and this fell on him. He said to me ‘can’t you look for something part time’. I do want part time work but I can’t just get it like that, the plan is to have another baby and go back part time after that but we do need to try to get through this year.

It is hard as we’ve no support at all. I lost my mum and my dad young and his live two hours away and aren’t all that interested (they dote on his brothers kids but that’s another problem!) so it comes down to him or me.

It is frustrating. I come in and laundry is everywhere and the dishwasher isn’t emptied. I honestly think he’s not had to do this stuff for so long he’s forgotten.

How can I get things back on a more fair and equal footing?

If you just started back this September, and he really is a good bloke, then you both need to give it time to bed in. It’s far too soon for him to be moaning and he should be more supportive of you going back to work.

Having said that, if he’s WFH then he is working and hasn’t had time to do laundry and stuff, so you are unfair to expect that and you need to sort that out between you in the evenings/weekends. It’s unfortunate baby has been sent home but it’s such early days, you will work it out. And congrats on the baby/job/weight loss, everything is going great for you, don’t let him spoil it cos he needs a bit longer to get up to speed.

This would make me very unhappy OP. You say it's your dream job - do not give this up for any reason. If you stay at home for any period, your partner needs to pay into an individual private pension for you, and you need to ensure you get NI contributions for the time spent at home too (getting child benefit and paying it back, depending on your household income).

However, don't underestimate the self-fulfillment that comes with working and being out of the home. Be careful that you don't lose that drive along the way. My mum was the better educated, and by far the most intelligent, out of my parents but she found it very difficult to transition away from part time work once I'd grown up. She's now in a very senior position, but had my dad been more supportive, her life would likely been very different and she wouldn't have struggled as much when I moved away.

Yeah but Medium while I hear that, I am also working when I have the baby, yet I manage.

I certainly don’t expect him to leave a meeting to put the washing away but he definitely has ‘down time’ in the day and a lunch time. I shouldn’t have to come home and discover there is no clean cutlery.

I’ve no intention of giving the job up but I would like to switch to part time as soon as it’s feasible. My gripe at the moment is I’m still doing the lions share of everything but DH is still grumbling, that is making me resentful.

Why is there a plan for another baby? I really want to know the exact reason.

Me and my now exH had a child with him in full time work, me full time too (to start with ). Absolutely no family support. Christ, I do not know how we got through it (all alive). The marriage is over (with one date night in three years), my career took a dive, self-care went to pot (as driven as I am) but we're alive. I would never, ever do this again.
You are not coping (understandably ) with one. Why hammer more nails into the coffin?
We can't have it all girl, we can do it all. Choose now. Choose wisely.

What a bizarre comment, because we want another child.

Where do you get the impression I’m not coping with one? Should all women with more than one child quit work, do you think? Because if you do I’d prefer not to discuss that here, I’ve no plans to stop work although I do plan to go part time in the future.

I’d sit him down and say that you two need to make a plan together of how to ensure that you are both contributing equally to keeping the house running and have equal downtime.
Ask him what he proposes. If he has no ideas then what do you propose?

I’d start by listing all the jobs. Some are easy to divide up eg whoever does bedtime, the other person should either be cooking dinner or cleaning up after dinner, depending on what time you eat.

Work on getting a good morning routine going. As you are in a new job I think he should be dealing with all sick days for your DC for the first 6 months to give you a chance to build goodwill.

If he’s still not happy then suggest he goes part time. Why should you sacrificing your career to do all the thankless drudge jobs that make his life easier be the only option.

Don’t switch to part time!! I’d be furious, point out I’m carrying most of the household load while working ft at a new job so if anyones stressed it should be me- where’s his allowance for that? Where’s his caring? Our child has two parents, I’m just as much a human as you are, and if you can’t do half the housework and work then you should consider part time as it’s just not fair on me.

I work ft, and expect my husband to be my partner not a dead weight.

OP, I also had no plans to quit work.
Along other similar circumstances. You might be a "better" stronger woman than me, you might have a more present husband (doesn't seem so, hence your post).
Don't diss my experiences, I'm well placed to advise. Feel free to ignore though.

It's not about every mother quitting their job. It's about other circumstances.

Anyway. We mostly learn from our own mistakes. Good luck.

And when I go back after mat leave I always tell my dh he’s on notice for sick days. In practice I do some after the first couple of weeks if it’s convenient but he knows it’s important to me that I don’t look like a flaky returned mum, and I shouldn’t have to when I have a husband.

By the way, I also agree with other posters that the drudge work should be equally shared between working parents.
However, that really is where the "sit downs and talks" begin, the exhaustion and the competitive tiredness kicks in. With no family support it's a hell of it's own kind.

The so called team, is either there to begin with, or never at all ( no matter the sit-downs). The old 35yo cynic that I am - prove me wrong! I wish the best from the bottom of my heart, but the "having it all" scenario with this deck of cards would be a miracle.

@ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn It sounds like your dh is having trouble adjusting to change. Some people don’t like change and it takes longer for them to adjust.

Can you validate his feelings while at the same time explaining that you are not prepared to give up your job and communicating about ways that household chores can be evenly distributed.

If he still insists that you give up working full time ask him haw he would feel if you wanted him to give up working full time?

Hopefully if you empathise with him and communicate in a way to encourage him to empathise with you and try to be practical and use problem solving skills; you’ll both work it out.

@timeisnotaline
Actually, after your post I also realise that I had a husband who couldn't be there for sick days - being a police officer on call.
So maybe my judgement is off, not realising that other men are more flexible?

In any case, I'd never do it again in those circumstances. To me : man with a demanding job +baby +no family support = a disaster.
I'm dating and am eagerly passing on those scenarios. Not for me anymore.

I second the suggestion to reconsider having another child. Clearly you're both having difficulties balancing the demands of one child with the demands of working. Until that gets sorted in a way that you're both happy with, it would be madness to contemplate bringing a second child into the situation. The only way that wouldn't be a guaranteed disaster would be if one of you was willing and able to stop working at that point, and neither of you is.

Also, people who WFH are working, and can't reliably do things like laundry and dishwashing during the workday. Caring for a baby is certainly work, but they aren't comparable because 1) babies occasionally take naps or amuse themselves for a while, and 2) no one is going to fire you from your "job" as a SAHM if you ignore the baby for long enough to empty the dishwasher.

I do want part time work but I can’t just get it like that, the plan is to have another baby and go back part time after that but we do need to try to get through this year.

Your husband is a lazy, self-absorbed whinging git who can't seem to manage the one child you do have, having another under these conditions would be madness. You're already resentful, imagine how much worse it would be with another child in the mix.

My partner WFH most days at the moment and in the day will take a 10 minute break every now and then and use at least one of these to do one of the chores allocated to him and another that is communal eg dishwasher. He will make lunch for us both and give me a break from looking after the baby if we're not out and about.

We discussed expectations of each other at the start of maternity leave and review our chores and house management regularly just having a chat about how it's all going.

He does a shift with the baby every night (feeding expressed milk). My baby is a velcro and because my partner has looked after the baby knows how unreliable I am in getting anything in addition to baby care done. There is no expectation on me to do anything but keep baby alive, clean and happy and do baby's laundry. We are both equally responsible for housework.

He has a flexible job in the sense that if he needs to drop work suddenly for an appointment etc he could work at the weekend to catch up. He has been able to do this a few times already as baby was prem and has some medical issues. I also intend to return FT and then go part time if and when our next baby comes.

I think you have high expectations of yourself and low expectations of him! I agree this needs to be sorted before you bring another baby home.

I've WFH for years and I most certainly can and do chores throughout the day.

Unless the person WFH is doing call centre or something like that where they are literally tied to their phone, there is no reason they can't get up for a stretch and toilet break and take 5 minutes to wash up or start a load of washing.

Don't cave OP.

It's not just salary now.

It's building up pension. Experience for career progression. And by the sound of it you like working.

Obv the one who is nearest is the one to sort if child ill.

Say nope enjoy job important to me. Now and for my future.

So we have this stuff to do how do we share it out

Can you afford cleaner etc

He's out of order. If he feels so strongly then why didn't he suggest he could go part time.

Don't do it OP.

What a cheek! You get a part time job? Why doesn’t he get a part time job? His work does not trump yours. Sit down and draw up a rota or get a cleaner. Both my ex and I worked ft with two kids. It’s perfectly doable but both people need to be contributing to chores and cooking. Yours is being lazy and inconsiderate, and he thinks that housework is beneath him and it’s woman’s work not family work.He needs to be put right on that.

Don’t carry on with your second child plan regardless. I had some parenting husbanding boxes dh had to tick before i would go along with the plan to try for dc2, I desperately wanted another but also recognised that I didn’t like some aspects of his parenting or not parenting and didn’t want to be in the same boat but with two, and only myself to blame. Fortunately he stepped up.

@HollySass Actually, after your post I also realise that I had a husband who couldn't be there for sick days - being a police officer on call.
Every time I read this I wonder about the reverse scenario. Do women police officers leave for a sick child? Are there no women police officers or do they all have cast iron childcare? Of course sometimes these examples are valid but often they never quite work the same way for women in those roles.

Not every time I read the police scenario but the husband can’t leave my job for a child scenario. I’ve seen on here lots of women say their partners can’t flex when they’ve had the same job as me which I very successfully flexed whenever necessary.

If he's not coping maybe he could "look for something part time"

There's no rush for a second child is there?

It sounds like you're talking about trying for another baby when this one is still very young? Personally, I don't think there's any rush for that, particularly when the situation is as you describe.

The immediate solution is to sit down amd look at what you working days look like, the division of labour so far, what could you do to make it workable.

When I look back, my exhusband was actually brilliant at pickin up the slack when I went back to work with a baby and it was still hard work - I don't know how you're doing most of everything!

I'm a teacher (I guess that's what's your dream job is) and, even though we've been separated for 10 years, he is still the one who does pick ups from school during term time for illness. She Iives with me but he's the first contact.

You need to have all this sorted because a second child will just make things a lot harder.

It's true that WFH is still working. I have a friend who works from home, yet his working day still being at 8 and doesn't finish until between 6 and 7 and he often doesn't get a lunch break - he doesn't have time for the dishwasher or laundry during the day either. Whereas my brother works from home and has a great amount of flexibility around organising his working day. Not all WFH is equal and certainly doesn't guarantee free time during the day.

It's really hard when there is no family or other support. My ex and I didn't have family support either and we also had 7 years between our children and it was still hard!

The resenent that is setting in will only get worse with another child and if you don't address it now.

You sit him down and you very bluntly tell him that 1) you are not a domestic appliance,2) it is not your job to cook his meals, clean his clothes and tidy his stuff 3) the baby is equally his and he is equally responsible for meeting all the baby's needs and 4) he is not helping you by doing his fair share of all things domestic. He lives here too and everything that needs doing is as much his job as it is yours.

You really should rethink going part time. Is it a good idea to take the career and financial hit just so you can do all domestic and child related stuff and leave Mr Important responsibility free?

I think it's one of those cases where you've fallen into one routine and haven't yet communicated how you can fall into another.

I'd go with a chores list and split equally and work from there.

But I agree with PP who said if he's wfh he shouldn't be doing housework during that time.
And it's not fair to expect him to do laundry during his lunch hour unless you're also contributing to the household chores during yours just because he's home.