Husband stressed by me working FT

[ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn]

My husband isn’t a bad man at all. He’s kind, certainly generous, supportive and patient.

But I do think we’ve fallen into some bad habits. To give a bit of a back story, I had a run of bad luck job-wise when we met, and to cut a long story short I ended up taking a temporary teaching post where I got treated like shit on a shoe. It was pretty horrible tbh but covid and lockdown then being in third trimester meant I only actually physically worked there for a few weeks. Since I ended up off work for such a long time I did more or less everything in the house, and when I had our baby this continued.

With hindsight I should have made him step up more as he’s had a very cosseted life! He’s not a bad lazy man but he’s been WFH since the start of the pandemic, this has added a layer of stress for me as throughout my maternity I felt a bit like I was in the way and under his feet. He would have the baby for a couple of hours before starting work while I caught up on sleep but that’s more or less it, he’s not had to do night wakings or really had the baby alone for long periods. In contrast, I’ve had the baby out and about every day, gone to baby classes, long walks, met friends, had a lovely maternity leave in many ways but it’s not been quiet and chilled.

So one other thing that’s relevant here is when I had our baby I wanted to be a role model and I lost a large amount of weight. This gave me confidence and I got my dream job back in spring, to start in September. But since starting it its come as a shock to him. He constantly complains he’s tired and isn’t getting much work done because he’s tired, the baby was sent home ill from nursery and this fell on him. He said to me ‘can’t you look for something part time’. I do want part time work but I can’t just get it like that, the plan is to have another baby and go back part time after that but we do need to try to get through this year.

It is hard as we’ve no support at all. I lost my mum and my dad young and his live two hours away and aren’t all that interested (they dote on his brothers kids but that’s another problem!) so it comes down to him or me.

It is frustrating. I come in and laundry is everywhere and the dishwasher isn’t emptied. I honestly think he’s not had to do this stuff for so long he’s forgotten.

How can I get things back on a more fair and equal footing?

"I don’t expect him to give the kitchen or the bathroom a deep clean."

Like PP's have suggested, sounds like you need a cleaner.

For different reasons, you both could use the outsourced help.

Be kind to yourself and get additional hands on board.

If DH has been in his job 10 years then, he will have more ability to be flexible when DC is sick.
We always took it in turns. I took the very first sick day off but let him know the next day was his. This gave him the ability to change meetings etc and plan on being home.
He also WFH and does nothing around the house during the day. Dishes sit there until after his work day is over. Whoever gets there first sorts it.
We did outsource cleaning and gardening.
Good luck

I dunno, I think you coming home making comments when he's supposed to be working FT at home is unfair. Sounds like your both as bad as each other, I would seriously not have another baby right now given the circumstances of not coping with the baby you do have.
Also don't give up your dream job!

With his enhanced earning power and you working full time, a cleaner is the answer.
Sounds like this is the settling in period of your returning to work - the first couple of months will be hard for you both.
My advice is not to pick up the slack as you will pick it up forever. Start as you mean to go on. Make some broad rules about who will do what and you stick to yours and resist the temptation to do more, even when you see chaos, eventually he should get into the habit. Don't 'nag' (god I hate that word) but don't leave much room for complaint from him.

I feel for you. Stte after pg3.

It is an adjustment. While on may leave you’re expected to do everything as you’re not working. Before I started work we talked about who would do what when I went back to work. It will take time for him to adjust to looking after baby and remembering what he needs just because he won’t have done it as much as you. Have a conversation about what needs to be done and split tasks. Get a cleaner if you can afford it.

Re doing things while wfh I don’t think you can dictate what he does while wfh but let him do his tasks either during/after wfh. We split our days as to who will wash up etc. On my days I do dishes at the end of my work day because I’m busy and take short breaks just making a cup of tea. If I take downtime for lunch I actually want to take downtime. I rarely get time to hang up washing. I’ve always been like this and segment the work portion of my day from home tasks. My oh will take time out of his workday after lunch to wash up. We’re both different how we structure our days. It may be annoying for you but just wash the spoon etc you need and leave the rest for him to wash when he’s finished.

It will be a big adjustment for you both so give each other time to adjust. That goes for him not moaning too. I get it though, he’d get home from work while I was on may leave and say “I just need 5mins rest”. My q was always “where are my 5mins?” Because you don’t work you’re expected to carry the load.

Nothing wrong with wanting a second but be clear he will need to step up a lot more of you have two. My oh had to do a lot more for our first child.

Time for some straight talking between you.

You and he need to agree how the domestic stuff will work. Either split the tasks up, or agree a two hour slot on a night when you have take away to do chores together & blitz the house.

Why should your career be the one to go on a backburner? He is equally responsible for baby & domestic stuff as you.

If you work together, it can be done. If he's reluctant and prevaricates I'd put the plans for a second baby to one side because I'm not sure the relationship will last while he doesn't respect your career and your needs as much as his.

Fact is life changes when you have a baby. He's a father, it is as much his responsibility to get stuff done, look after your baby as it is yours. He needs to step up to the plate and if anything respect what you've done and appreciate it enough to realise that he has to do more.

Instead he is saying loud and clear that this is hard work and he doesn't want to do it, he wants you to do it.

OP my ex didnt lift a finger despite me juggling home and 4 kids. He always said he had to work and he was attached to his laptop. Often in front of the telly with the laptop open. When we split he wanted 50/50. They're older so don't need as much work but he's suddenly found loads of time to do housework and childcare. What does that mean? That he couldn't be bothered to pull his weight. That he didn't consider it his job. Because he obviously had the time. His job hasn't changed.

Stay firm op. Make sure he picks up half of the mental and physical load. He's a grown man. He knows what to do and he knows how to figure things out.

@Beautiful3

He's working from home so he isn't going to tidy and clean the house! He is working full time, just like you are now. To be honest If the baby's sick you should take it in turns to get her.

I WFH and I don't tidy and clean the house. I do, however, tidy the kitchen and put things in the recycling whilst waiting for a kettle to boil. I fill the laundry basket the night before, take it downstairs & put a wash on 1st thing in the morning. Whilst making mid morning coffee, I take it out & either hang it up or tumble it. This just needs a spot of thinking what needs doing and be organised enough to do it - which is what OPs DH seems not to think of doing.

OP, my DP didn't do these things automatically until I went through what it was possible to do with him. It took a while, but he now knows (amongst other things!) that if there's a full laundry basket at the top of the stairs in the morning, it needs to go in the washing machine and set to wash.

Oh, and putting the laundry on doesn't equal doing chores all day!

I think you both need to sit down and draw up a rota to share the household chores.

Like your husband I work from home, I find time to empty the dishwasher, pop some laundry on, hang the washing out etc, so there are little jobs he could do during the weekday

I honestly think this thread has veered off completely.

It isn’t just about housework. That’s an example and a small one.

It’s about

Getting up in the night (baby doesn’t sleep through.)
Childcare when baby is ill
Organising things for the day at nursery
Laundry
Chores

The chores are a tiny part of that. I haven’t said a word to DH about not emptying the dishwasher or whatever, I just do it myself but that’s the whole point.

Everyone saying get a cleaner yes we might but that’s one point of five or six.

We have had a chat and I think things will improve. But this attitude That he’s hard at work all day and can’t press a button is crazy. I’ve spent 11 months at home with him. He definitely has time for that!

Why is there a plan for another baby? I really want to know the exact reason.

Not only is this not a bizarre comment, it’s a bloody good one which clearly you haven’t put more thought into beyond ‘because we want one’.

This good, patient man you described, is a lazy man baby who you’ve indulged for far too long and now you’re paying the price. What should you do? Stop being so accommodating of his laziness. And for God’s sake, shelve having another child until he a) stops being a entitled man baby and b) you’ve learned that his laziness is his default position and not to fall back into the ‘but he’s not a bad man’ excuse.

I think not having another child because of a comment on MN in the middle of the night by someone would be even more bizarre.

It’s like saying I shouldn’t be a mum because I burst into tears and said I hated my life when the baby was a newborn, I didn’t, I was just tired and stressed and overwhelmed. It’s not that extreme for DH but he’s there now.

Anyway since we’ve had a chat and I’m more than happy with the outcome I think that’s a good point for me to exit left.

Such a strange thread. OP tells us her husband doesn’t do his share, is lazy and expects her to do everything despite both working full time. Her solution is to have another baby and work part time (so still have to juggle work but while giving him a good reason to do even less). Any comments suggesting that sorting things out and making sure he does his fair share before considering having another baby with him are met with aggression and catty remarks. Good luck Op, I think you’ll need it!

Things that might help:

He should know these things but they may be off his radar with you doing them all the time so be explicit. Get a notice board with lists! Its about mental load and now that is all in your head and he isn't a mind reader. You need to instruct him til he gets it and lists mean you do it once. You've created the situation so you need to accept you have to remind him of what you need doing

As a ft working mum of 2, you have to get this sorted now even if you do go back pt after 2 as ypu will need him even more at that point to step up.
Lists for the nursery bag contents
Write a list of all the little jobs that need doing so he has visibility and ask him to take responsibility for 50%. Ensure you list all the things he does do too - job blindness works both ways

Include things like nursery forms, food choices, consent forms, parties and gifts, family admin, holiday planning, sick and holiday cover.
Lists for 5 mins jobs he can do waiting for the kettle - be explicit- wash clothes in whites and coloured and dark bundles, move clothes to dryer etc. He probably won't do things instinctively.
Buy a slow cooker and a slow cooker cook boom and he is responsible for x dinners a week- use a meal planner and get him to write down supplies if you do the food shop.

Let him take responsibility when its not done. He buys and gets a takeaway when he's not cooked. No clothes washed- tough banana. No shopping done, no food in. He needs to know jes a grown up and there are consequences which aren't ypu doing them

If you do food shop can you do it online, or could that be his responsibility? Easy to check and add to.

What can you outsource? Cleaning?ironing? Gardening Etc if you have the cash use it. Its the relentlessness that will bring you down of everything.

Good luck

If you read it that way yes @MayorGoodwaysChicken then yes it’s a strange thread.

Or if you read what I actually put which is that DH is adjusting to me going back to work FT after a long period at home and that in the future I will be PT as previously discussed, then it isn’t.

We all take away from threads what we want. It what you want is to give a poster a hard time then you will, that’s up to you.

Things you listed, getting up in the middle of the night, organising baby stuff for nursery, extra laundry etc. are the things he knows that he needs to be doing since the arrival of the baby I am sure. It is not like you didn't tell him to be aware of. He is also a parent and of course he knows his responsibility has been increased no? It is not your job to let him see he needs to make a room in his day / head for baby related stuff as this has to come from him.

As other posters said, have a good chat between you two but don't do everything for him. He is also a parent and he will have to adjust to this new life on his own.

Good luck!

Getting up in the night and early morning - night parenting - is a biggie IME. Whether or not you do paid work. I went down a very bad road because DH didn’t initially do his fair share of that.

You mentioned that you wouldn’t have expected. Why not? You were recovering from birth, parenting and doing all/almost all the night parenting, which is bad for health/wellbeing. Why would you NOT have shared the domestics then?

If he’s adjusting then all is well then what’s the point of the thread? I’m not trying to give you a hard time as you state, I’m honestly just confused. Clearly things aren’t going well which is why you posted yet now you’re implying everything’s fine and having another baby is a great idea because he’s ‘adjusting’. From what you have said he hasn’t made any steps towards adjusting which is why people are advising you think twice about another baby. Hence my being a bit Clearly you only want a certain type of reply though so I’ll leave it there. Hope it works out for you.

Not at all. I have welcomed many suggestions and posts, but I certainly think demanding to know the ‘exact reason’ we want a baby is a peculiar post. Would anybody be able to give an ‘exact reason’ for wanting a baby apart from we want one, we want to be parents?

I have spoken to him now. I hadn’t when I started the thread. It helped get some things clear in my mind.

Instead of you going part time, what's his reason for not going part time?

It’s a man thing. My DH won’t do anything domestic at all when he is wfh. I seem to manage fine:

Wipe down kitchen after breakfast, load dishwasher/wash up and put things away. Put load of washing in machine. Log on.

Lunch break: unload dishwasher, put things away. Peg laundry out or put in dryer. Make sandwich, eat lunch. Chop veg, brown meat, sling in slow cooker for dinner, so you have stew/curry/Bolognese/chilli ready for dinner. Log back on.

Afternoon tea break, bring washing in/unload dryer, fold laundry, leave in basket to be ironed or put away later.

Log off at normal time, put laundry away. Peel potatoes/sort rice or pasta/make salad for dinner.

None of this interferes with a day’s work at all.

Hang on in there OP! It takes time to make the shift from being on mat leave and who does what around the house. I agree with others that you need to have a chat about it. Even if you were to work part-time, I’d expect him to be doing some areas. I hate ironing so my husband does it for example. There are also some things that he just doesn’t proactively notice that need doing e.g. emptying the dishwasher so I ask him to do it. No problem, but does need to be asked.

@ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn

Not at all. I have welcomed many suggestions and posts, but I certainly think demanding to know the ‘exact reason’ we want a baby is a peculiar post. Would anybody be able to give an ‘exact reason’ for wanting a baby apart from we want one, we want to be parents?

I have spoken to him now. I hadn’t when I started the thread. It helped get some things clear in my mind.

Could I suggest you & husband draw up a bit of a list of daily/weekly tasks & choose who does what (and when). With some flex if needed so you can swap tasks or times, basically like a roster.

Write it down and bung it on wall in the kitchen. It takes the mental load out of the whole thing. Neither has to remember what they are doing or nag each each if it's not done. It might sound a bit '18 years old in first houseshare' but so what if it works.

I'd also resist the temptation to do his tasks if he 'forgets. I know that is tricky if it's things like washing & drying baby stuff but have an emergency clothing stash hidden away do that . Eventually as the there is no cups for a coffee and no washing to wear, light will dawn

I agree, WFH isn''t an excuse. It doesn't mean you can't unload a dishwasher as the kettle boils, press a button in the drier or hang out a load of washing at lunchtime. I turned my microphone and camera off in a presentation meeting the other day and washed the dishes!. Getting up from the desk for a break and as stretch is important anyway,.

It’s about

Getting up in the night (baby doesn’t sleep through.)
Childcare when baby is ill
Organising things for the day at nursery
Laundry
Chores

The chores are a tiny part of that. I haven’t said a word to DH about not emptying the dishwasher or whatever, I just do it myself but that’s the whole point.

Start by telling him he should empty the dishwasher! I moan loudly to my DH (and now the DC) if they’ve not bothered their arses and I have to do it when I come in. Why would you not mention it? I wouldn’t mention it if he’d been juggling a sick and crotchety baby, everyone has difficult days, but that’s not the same as the general lack of bothering whilst WFH.

You just need to have a proper good talk about who is doing what now you’re both FT - better late than never - and shut down in no uncertain terms any bullshit whinging about ‘looking for a PT job’ when you’re only 10 days into term time.

It is a juggle and an adjustment and you need to keep talking, talking, reminding and insisting. Which is crap, but if he’s otherwise decent then eventually he’ll come good. But you absolutely have to keep communicating about expectations and realities of 2x working parents family life. Even when you’re part time the issues aren’t less annoying, I assure you!