Husband stressed by me working FT

[ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn]

My husband isn’t a bad man at all. He’s kind, certainly generous, supportive and patient.

But I do think we’ve fallen into some bad habits. To give a bit of a back story, I had a run of bad luck job-wise when we met, and to cut a long story short I ended up taking a temporary teaching post where I got treated like shit on a shoe. It was pretty horrible tbh but covid and lockdown then being in third trimester meant I only actually physically worked there for a few weeks. Since I ended up off work for such a long time I did more or less everything in the house, and when I had our baby this continued.

With hindsight I should have made him step up more as he’s had a very cosseted life! He’s not a bad lazy man but he’s been WFH since the start of the pandemic, this has added a layer of stress for me as throughout my maternity I felt a bit like I was in the way and under his feet. He would have the baby for a couple of hours before starting work while I caught up on sleep but that’s more or less it, he’s not had to do night wakings or really had the baby alone for long periods. In contrast, I’ve had the baby out and about every day, gone to baby classes, long walks, met friends, had a lovely maternity leave in many ways but it’s not been quiet and chilled.

So one other thing that’s relevant here is when I had our baby I wanted to be a role model and I lost a large amount of weight. This gave me confidence and I got my dream job back in spring, to start in September. But since starting it its come as a shock to him. He constantly complains he’s tired and isn’t getting much work done because he’s tired, the baby was sent home ill from nursery and this fell on him. He said to me ‘can’t you look for something part time’. I do want part time work but I can’t just get it like that, the plan is to have another baby and go back part time after that but we do need to try to get through this year.

It is hard as we’ve no support at all. I lost my mum and my dad young and his live two hours away and aren’t all that interested (they dote on his brothers kids but that’s another problem!) so it comes down to him or me.

It is frustrating. I come in and laundry is everywhere and the dishwasher isn’t emptied. I honestly think he’s not had to do this stuff for so long he’s forgotten.

How can I get things back on a more fair and equal footing?

You need to talk to your husband.
If he doesn’t or can’t support you in bringing up a family you need to consider your options.
Oh he’s tired!!! That’s called being a parent but then again some people aren’t very good at coping with life really and he’s not doing much parenting.
What about your tiredness? Do you ever go out and leave him at home with the baby? He won’t need to pack the bag!!! Or pack the bag for him if it gives you a long break. Write a list of what’s needed for the bag and stick it on the fridge. Myself and my ex would split the day - gave us both free time.
I knew we wouldn’t cope with two - I was too old anyway
Some people will let you do it all -
He could do the jobs first thing?
You have expectations - rightfully - talk to him. See if you can reach an understanding.
Who does the cooking/cleaning and shopping?
What does he do?

Why not stay full time and hire a cleaner to help a few days around the house

He isn’t the default carer because he’s working from home, it’s because he’s been in his job for fifteen years and I’ve been in mine ten days

Plus, he does have more flexibility in his working days than I do.

Vicky, I don’t want to stay full time. The cleaning is a small thing really but I’ve mentioned this to show how things are falling on me a bit.

[quote timeisnotaline]**@HollySass* Actually, after your post I also realise that I had a husband who couldn't be there for sick days - being a police officer on call.*
Every time I read this I wonder about the reverse scenario. Do women police officers leave for a sick child? Are there no women police officers or do they all have cast iron childcare? Of course sometimes these examples are valid but often they never quite work the same way for women in those roles.[/quote]
Exactly this, from experience, it’s not like downing tools in the middle of heart surgery, I’ve known mothers have to leave for sick children plenty of times, it’s not about the job it’s about the expectations of a mother with regards to childcare and how men get to swerve that a lot of the time.

If he's not coping maybe he could "look for something part time"

Exactly what I was going to say.

There is no way I'd be going part time because my husband couldn't cope now that he has to pull his weight.

We both worked f/t when DC1 was little and it does take a lot of adjusting and working out new routines. I’ve now worked from home for the past 18 months with two DC, DH does shift work out of the house.

What’s helped us is to work out what needs doing and to except these have to be done at some point - there’s no point getting too frustrated with it, the washing has to be done, the bathroom has to be cleaned etc. Then we’ve worked out when is the least annoying time to do them.

So for example, during my WFH week I don’t get a lunch hour to myself. I tidy, pop to the shops, do the washing etc. But that’s my trade off - I’d rather do them during the day and not have a lunch break, than do them later in the evening. Ditto I’d rather get up 5 mins early and clean the bathroom while I’m showering than do it at the weekend. So things like that. I try and do as much housework during the week so our weekends are more free for family/kid time.

Who drops LO at nursery? I presume he has time before he starts work to empty the dishwasher etc?

@ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn

I spent eleven months at home with DH working from home. I don’t expect him to give the kitchen or the bathroom a deep clean.

However I do know he has time to turn on the tumble drier, quickly hang some clothes up, empty the dishwasher. They are the sort of things I am talking about.

He’s not doing these things because he believes they are your job. Because you are a woman and you earn less.

And they will even more your job when you go part time.

Then you will be responsible for all the childcare, all the housework, all the wifework, all the emotional labour and still work 3 days a week outside the home.

You will be exhausted, angry and resentful.

And remember that, despite this exhaustion, you will still have to keep your figure and your looks and give him plenty of sex when he wants it and remain fun and interesting otherwise his head will be turned and it will be your fault. ( not my belief system but that of many men and some women ).

I know you don’t like posters advising you not to rush to have another baby and not to go PT with a man like this . But this is why.

You won’t be having it all, you will be doing it all. And you will end up hating him.

If you do everything around the house when you're on maternity leave they do get used to that and as others have said things need to be adjusted now you're both at work.

Some of these comments are so OTT, feels like some projecting going on

OP I get it.
I'm not sure where all these men are who are suddenly chained to their desk during WFH. I worked for years in male dominated workplaces for years and most of the men found plenty of time for messing around at work. video games, YouTube, gossiping, etc.

But someone now, they're WFH and they can't possibly turn on the dishwasher or put a load of wash in.

You mentioned coming home from work and you begin with the chores that weren't done during the day. What does he do? Is he up doing them too?

I can’t understand “someone working from home can’t be expected to do laundry, empty dishwasher etc”. In the office, you would go to the loo for five minutes-so pop a load of washing on. You’d get a coffee -so empty the dishwasher. You’d have sone vestige of a lunchbreak-so hang the washing up. It’s lazy and pandering to the usually male workerFH.

@ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn

The plan was always to go part time, it is my preference. If I’d been returning to a workplace I’d have asked for part time. As it is I was starting a new job so didn’t have that option.

I have only been back ten days, it is an adjustment, when I first had a baby I felt like I’d been by a train and couldn’t believe how little sleep or time I had. That’s now different.

We have to manage few the next few months as best we can. The nursery is lovely but it’s a lot for a small child, five days a week. It’s not exactly unusual to work part time with little children. But it isn’t an option for the next few months.

If you can afford to take pay cut that comes with part time, why not use some of your joint “surplus” income now (ideally his as he’s the one saying he’d prefer you going part time now) to pay for domestic help. Cleaning and laundry would be a good start. This will take a big burden off you as I always found I could live day to day with more build up of mess if I knew I was not the one who was going to have to clean it up, or the one whose hard work in getting it clean was being undone

? @Notonthestairs

Why is what happened to another poster relevant? If you think I’m trolling just report it. I’m not.

He's working from home so he isn't going to tidy and clean the house! He is working full time, just like you are now. To be honest If the baby's sick you should take it in turns to get her.

Oh right, so just trying to out someone. I don’t know why MN thinks that’s OK. Anyway, thanks for replies. Lots to think about.

The problem seems to be that your dh doesn't want to do the housework? So get a cleaner maybe? Have a rota of chores for other days. You will have to accept with both of you working full time your home won't be a show home.

I wouldn't bring another child into that situation either until I was able to work part time. It sounds stressful enough already.

I agree with the comment about how we can't have it all, something has to give. I don't think it was a bizarre comment at all. It's just a fact of life.

It isn't that he just doesn't know stuff op. He thinks it's your job.

Not to be patronising but despite the joy of a young baby, this is one of the crappiest times of parenting. For me, looking back, I think there is an element of recognising how tough it is and doing what you need to to get through it.

DH and I worked shifts around each other when our DC were small to reduce the need for childcare. Like you OP, we had very limited family support and also worked shifts that were not compatible with CM or nursery hours. We squabbled over housework and competitive tiredness isn’t fun.

So what to do? I would say acknowledge that it is hard for both of you, keep communicating and do what you can - including cutting corners - to get through it. Routine helps. 2 minutes checking the bins every day, saves ten minutes dealing with an overflowing bin later and prevents you from feeling totally overwhelmed. You have to be on the same page with this though. Obviously the solution isn’t for you to come home from work and tidy up. If you can agree what you can do either side of work whilst having clear expectations of what DH needs to do during the day.

Don’t forget the mental load either. DH needs to share this too.

@ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn

Oh right, so just trying to out someone. I don’t know why MN thinks that’s OK. Anyway, thanks for replies. Lots to think about.

I am not sure why you have picked up on this? It was a legitimate question and probably has a bearing on responses if you were the same poster.

However, most, if not all, of us have been where you are now and the simplest and most direct approach is the one that works. Communication.

WFH it is perfectly possible to load and empty the dishwasher, load the washer and switch the dryer on, and make the kitchen presentable.

Your DH wants you to go part-time so that he doesn't have to think about doing those things. Tough. A marriage, a family and working parents mean that needs to happen for everyone to get through the week.

Sit him down and explain that to him. Then, if you want to go part time you can, but the routine will be in place.

I'm getting the sense that it's the mental load of anticipating everyone's needs and the routine housework etc that is causing the issue here.

Agree that the best course of action is first a conversation with DH about sharing chores. Followed by you doing less - rather than stepping up and eg. Putting on the dishwasher before work, you get his ideas about how to make things run more smoothly. Stop anticipating his needs so he learns to sort himself out.

I do think we infantilise men in modern society generally ( and I'm guilty of this in my relationship ). Ultimately it's best to nip this in the bud now as you've identified the patriarchal narrative in your DH's expectations about your PT work, etc.

I do think the reason posters are getting riled up is this is a big issue for many parents.

Don't know if you've seen this comic? www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Personally I hate people trying to out previous usernames - especially on relationships as while it doesn’t apply here you could put someone in danger doing it.

Thanks @Cuck00soup not patronising at all.

I don't disbelieve that he is finding it a shock to his system that you're not available to do most of the childcare and housework after the period you describe

But are you being reasonable too? Your comment about coming in and the laundry isn't done. Is he working f/t from home? If so, then obviously he needs to work and isn't at home to do all the chores all day.

It sounds like you are really pleased to be back at work and happy to be doing it f/t for now and so that's what you should do. And any new job, you need to give it that bit extra at the start.

You need to work out between you how to manage this.