Husband stressed by me working FT

[ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn]

My husband isn’t a bad man at all. He’s kind, certainly generous, supportive and patient.

But I do think we’ve fallen into some bad habits. To give a bit of a back story, I had a run of bad luck job-wise when we met, and to cut a long story short I ended up taking a temporary teaching post where I got treated like shit on a shoe. It was pretty horrible tbh but covid and lockdown then being in third trimester meant I only actually physically worked there for a few weeks. Since I ended up off work for such a long time I did more or less everything in the house, and when I had our baby this continued.

With hindsight I should have made him step up more as he’s had a very cosseted life! He’s not a bad lazy man but he’s been WFH since the start of the pandemic, this has added a layer of stress for me as throughout my maternity I felt a bit like I was in the way and under his feet. He would have the baby for a couple of hours before starting work while I caught up on sleep but that’s more or less it, he’s not had to do night wakings or really had the baby alone for long periods. In contrast, I’ve had the baby out and about every day, gone to baby classes, long walks, met friends, had a lovely maternity leave in many ways but it’s not been quiet and chilled.

So one other thing that’s relevant here is when I had our baby I wanted to be a role model and I lost a large amount of weight. This gave me confidence and I got my dream job back in spring, to start in September. But since starting it its come as a shock to him. He constantly complains he’s tired and isn’t getting much work done because he’s tired, the baby was sent home ill from nursery and this fell on him. He said to me ‘can’t you look for something part time’. I do want part time work but I can’t just get it like that, the plan is to have another baby and go back part time after that but we do need to try to get through this year.

It is hard as we’ve no support at all. I lost my mum and my dad young and his live two hours away and aren’t all that interested (they dote on his brothers kids but that’s another problem!) so it comes down to him or me.

It is frustrating. I come in and laundry is everywhere and the dishwasher isn’t emptied. I honestly think he’s not had to do this stuff for so long he’s forgotten.

How can I get things back on a more fair and equal footing?

Do you now see it?

I should put the dishwasher on before I start my working day

I should buy more cutlery

Yes? This is exactly the problem.

I do know some Mumsnetters feel very passionately about WFH. I will repeat that believe me DH has ample time to empty a dishwasher. He doesn’t, because he has come to see this as my job. That needs adjustment. But yes - not a helpful thread, sadly.

On one hand wfh means work not doing chores , however I wfh and there's an hour lunch break to put the laundry on do a quick tidy up etc
I think you both just need to get into a rhythm and timetable
Your husband is being unreasonable about caring for the sick child , like many men he sees the child rearing as the mothers job only .

If his job was caring for tiny children I would agree Outfoxed.

It isn’t. I must have said four or five times now, believe me, he has ample time in the day to get stuff done. And even if he is so hideously busy he doesn’t, then he needs to do it in the evening. He doesn’t.

I’m not attacking you. And I don’t think anyone else is either.

It’s a period of adjustment. You both need to do an equal share.

He’s had to step up and have the baby when they’ve been sick, which has impacted on his ability to get his job done. You can’t do this because you teach.

If you have another baby quickly (in a year or two from your posts seems to be the plan?) then the load will be bigger.

The best advice anyone can give you is sort out the division of labour now. That’s not attacking. It’s just sensible.

But expecting to come home to laundry hung up and dishwasher emptied because that’s how you would have done it is unreasonable. Adjust what you do to make it work - put the dishwasher on in the morning regardless of how full it is and empty it at night. Put the washing machine on a timer and hang the washing up at 7pm not 11am.

I’m female. Before anyone says I’m giving your husband a free pass and I genuinely can’t do house stuff during the day. If I go out of work mode in my head I really struggle with getting back into it so I’ve adjusted how I do things. Dishwasher on after breakfast. Even if it’s only half full. Washer on and the washing sits til I finish.

I sympathise with you to some extent OP but it’s quite hard to understand what you’re looking for from the thread as you seem to be very sure about what you want and what is wrong, so surely the solution is to talk to your husband? I’m just not sure what we can add as you’re not open to other opinions like having another baby is not going to help if you’re already unhappy and stressed.

As PPs have pointed out, a husband who doesn’t pull his weight after one child isn’t going to after two either. So I struggle a bit to understand why that is your way forward with this man.

I don't get why you're getting a hard time for wanting to work PT or have a second baby. I worked PT when I returned to work after maternity leave and it was great, increased my hours when our child was older and husband's job meant he was around more. It has been an adjustment each time either of us changes jobs/hours/location and I think that's normal. Based on what you've said yes he should be doing some of these small household tasks in the daytime...it takes like 5 mins to unload a dishwasher.

It doesn’t matter whether the DH can’t find 5 mins to run the dishwasher during his working day, the point is he needs to do something at some point and he needs to put his big boy pants on and actually do it at a time that works for him, not acting like a man child and expecting the OP to do it.

If nothing else, he’s going to have commute time he could be using for chores….

What you are doing Doggie is reading about my life, deciding that it is like yours and going on based on this. That becomes a bit tedious because jobs are different, lifestyles are different. The baby got into a nice routine at about five months of a long morning nap between 9 and 10 in the morning. Dh would regularly come in to ‘chat with me’ then (which did piss me off actually as it was generally the one bit of peace I got all day ) but if there is time for that there is definitely time for very small household keeping on top of things. Repeatedly being told that he can’t possibly have time to switch a washing machine on when I know he does, does get a little irritating, especially when you’ve repeated yourself over and over.

Mayors, I was wondering how others managed this. Some have answered.

You’re angry. With your DH. Talk to him.

You get used to stuff Mayors. Dh did get used to being waited on hand and foot, he will adjust, he’s a good guy (most of the time) but he isn’t perfect. Who is?

Thanks @moomin11 and @DazzlePaintedBattlePants

I’m not angry at all. Doggie, you’re reading the thread all wrong, I’m seriously completely calm here but I will admit I’m finding your insistence on diverting the thread and talking about what you want to talk about (the WFH) quite tedious.

I don’t care at all if he’s had a busy day and the house is exactly as I left it because he’s been chained to the desk all day. But when you come in and immediately have to put the drier on and then put everything away because otherwise baby won’t have anything spare to take to nursery, that’s not fair. I’m conscious it’s unfair and I don’t want to fall into the trap of just doing everything.

As PP have said I need to tell him again and again.

And I said talk to your DH.

I’ve no idea why you’re picking on my but good luck anyway I hope you can find a solution that works for you.

I’m certainly not trying to pick on you, but you keep replying by telling me what your life and working day is like, and I’m sure you can see that’s not really very helpful!

He basically can't be bothered to do any jobs in the day and he also thinks these jobs are yours. I think sexism is often revealed when people have children. You need to stop doing everything including all the nights. He needs to do his fair share but he won't because his life is pretty cushy at the moment. It has just started to impact him and he is moaning to you to make it your problem. It seems like in your head you have bought into the idea that the price of having the children you want is doing all the chores and care while he provides the income from his job.

I think there is some truth in that. He’s just starting to realise how hard it actually is and I think it’s come as a shock.

I earn significantly more than DH and we both do a 4 day week which works really well for us. Just an idea to consider (I did three after DS1 and we changed to this arrangement after DS2, it does feel much more balanced).

I took 12 months off with both DC (who were ebf and glued to me most of the time!) and there is defo a period of adjustment! I think to an extent men can be cushioned from the full reality of a small child and then it suddenly hits them when you're not around to do most of it as much. We also have no real family support.

You will need to have a chat about what you are each going to do in terms of childcare/the house. Definitely buy in help, we have a cleaner and a gardener (sounds fancy but we have a big lawn and it just never got done!) Cleaner also changes the beds. Means we only really need to cover day to day maintenance and laundry.

You need to start leaving DH with your DC for whole days etc regularly so he starts to instinctively know what DC need to get through a day/outing and so starts helping more with the prepping (in the same way you had to learn initially). This was a big thing for us as initially I was always there and DH could rely on me. We needed to break that habit.

I'd also have a chat with DH about his expectations in respect of childcare/running of the house. Is his expectation that he is exempt from all tasks? He will no doubt say no if he's a decent guy. So what does he propose? Neither of you are available during the day so how will stuff get done?

Even if you work part time you would be looking after your child on your days off work and presumably want to go out, go to the park, play dates etc not spend the whole time catching up on housework? Is he on board with that or is it that his expectation is that once you work part time he'll be exempt again? My DH and I did have to have a few chats about how to make it work and we still have those every time things shift (DS1 is now at school which means picks ups, admin, uniform, school holiday childcare etc all has to be covered somehow).

DS1 is now 5 and DS2 is 2.5 and it's still not easy but we do now both do a pretty fair amount of the grunt work. I still do more "organising" (vaccinations, dentist, new school shoes etc) and DH does more day to day stuff like laundry, dishwasher etc. but it feels pretty balanced most of the time.

I think it really just takes some adjusting. I've returned from two mat leaves now and the second time was much easier because we had a conversation beforehand. I also lowered my expectations for the house. I'd had the time on mat leave to have everything how I wanted, we together no longer had that luxury.

It sounds like you just need to talk, set out a plan together and then review it in a month or sos time. It's such a huge transition for all of you.

I actually found having a second baby pretty close to the first helped DH learn how to pack the changing/nursery bag etc because he was doing more on his own with and for DC1. So I wouldn't let this put you off another baby.

It takes 5 minutes to empty a dishwasher. I bet he wants you part time so he can live like it’s the 1950’s.

He needs to grow up though and do chores like the rest of us. It’s boring but it’s just part of being an actual grown up.

Both parents working full time with no family help is stressful! Is there a possibility of buying in more help eg do you have a cleaner, if not could you get someone to come in and clean plus change linens, put on a wash load etc? If you have a garden, getting a local teen to st least mow the lawn fortnightly until the end of the grass growing season would save time too.

I know I could not have worked full time when I had small kids because my exh worked 11 hour days plus some Saturdays and Sundays, it would have been too much. I have every sympathy for you both, it's hard

Thanks, @Sunshinegirl82 He definitely does do some of the big stuff and will do a big clean sometimes. My gripe is more the day to day stuff, making sure we all have clean clothes and that they are put away, that the pots are in the dishwasher and it’s empty, wiping down the kitchen units, not letting the table in the hall look like it belongs on the hoarder next door. Small things. But they aren’t all my problem now.

We just need to adapt and adjust and become working parents together.

I think you should both sit down and divide the chores amoungst you, who does what and when.

So say DH cooks on Monday and you load the dishwasher straight after, so it's ready for emptying the next morning, he does this.

Washing gets put in overnight by you, he hangs it up puts it in the tumble dryer in the morning.

Just stuff like that, have a rota

But don't give up your job and cave in

He's going to be in a period of adjustment. The worrying thing is why is it such an adjustment? Your baby isn't tiny so why hasn't he been doing bedtimes, got up in the night in the weekend, catching up on housework on the weekend (because you've been looking after a baby all week) hanging out the washing at lunchtime etc? It's this which would worry me about what is to come because plenty of decent fathers and husbands do all this stuff whilst also working full time, as do mothers.

Life is hectic when you're working and have kids. You need a schedule and you both need to be on board with it. Definitely sit down and try to work this out together, and it needs to include the mental load stuff as well as the chores and child rearing

And thank you @JanuaryEl5ieBill

Cleaner a possibility but as I say it’s day to day stuff more than actual dirt and dust that’s the challenge.

Many people have said you need a chat about how to sort out chores. Not necessarily expect him to do it in his working hours, but before he starts in the morning he can unload the dishwasher. Decide who sorts out laundry during the week etc.
If he says his work is too demanding during the week then if he is well paid outsource to a cleaner. If cooking is hard during the week, batch cook at the weekend.
Coping with everything when both parents work FT can be horrendous especially at the beginning and especially when DC pick up every bug going at nursery.
However, because DH WFH doesn’t mean he will be the default carer if DC is home sick. Yes it is better when you have started a new job if he does it at first but going forward that needs to be something that is split between you if possible