Husband stressed by me working FT

[ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn]

My husband isn’t a bad man at all. He’s kind, certainly generous, supportive and patient.

But I do think we’ve fallen into some bad habits. To give a bit of a back story, I had a run of bad luck job-wise when we met, and to cut a long story short I ended up taking a temporary teaching post where I got treated like shit on a shoe. It was pretty horrible tbh but covid and lockdown then being in third trimester meant I only actually physically worked there for a few weeks. Since I ended up off work for such a long time I did more or less everything in the house, and when I had our baby this continued.

With hindsight I should have made him step up more as he’s had a very cosseted life! He’s not a bad lazy man but he’s been WFH since the start of the pandemic, this has added a layer of stress for me as throughout my maternity I felt a bit like I was in the way and under his feet. He would have the baby for a couple of hours before starting work while I caught up on sleep but that’s more or less it, he’s not had to do night wakings or really had the baby alone for long periods. In contrast, I’ve had the baby out and about every day, gone to baby classes, long walks, met friends, had a lovely maternity leave in many ways but it’s not been quiet and chilled.

So one other thing that’s relevant here is when I had our baby I wanted to be a role model and I lost a large amount of weight. This gave me confidence and I got my dream job back in spring, to start in September. But since starting it its come as a shock to him. He constantly complains he’s tired and isn’t getting much work done because he’s tired, the baby was sent home ill from nursery and this fell on him. He said to me ‘can’t you look for something part time’. I do want part time work but I can’t just get it like that, the plan is to have another baby and go back part time after that but we do need to try to get through this year.

It is hard as we’ve no support at all. I lost my mum and my dad young and his live two hours away and aren’t all that interested (they dote on his brothers kids but that’s another problem!) so it comes down to him or me.

It is frustrating. I come in and laundry is everywhere and the dishwasher isn’t emptied. I honestly think he’s not had to do this stuff for so long he’s forgotten.

How can I get things back on a more fair and equal footing?

Please don’t go part-time. It will stall your career progression and he will feel justified in expecting you to do all the housework

At the moment this are very unfair for you. You’re both working full time, yes, but you’re doing ALL of the housework and most of the childcare.

The ONLY fair way is to sit down and discuss the tasks that need to get done (come with a list so you don’t forget things), divide them up and assign a rough time by which they have to get done.

Please don’t cave.

If you are both working full-time and have a small child then you need to give this time to settle in.

You also have to remember that WFH is not the same as being at home with a baby. When you are at home with a baby it's easier to pop some washing on or empty the dishwasher because you are probably near these things most of the day. WFH can nean very little time away from your desk. Having WFH for over 5 years it takes a while to get into habits like hanging up the washing while the kettle boils etc.

Finally, it you're both working full time then can you afford a cleaner?

Look I'm older and a bit cynical bilut I think you can never really force anyone to be who they aren't. If he's untidy or uninterested in cleaning the shower then that's probably going to continue however much you bag, shout, hint or cry about it. The only solution I've seen to the two working parents, multiple children scenario is a regular cleaner and/or nanny-with-laundry-duties. Put some money towards buying help and save your marriage before resentment kills it completely.

I was working in healthcare - it was PT, but DH dealt with all sick days and childcare on days I was working out of hours. So it’s definitely possible to step up. Why doesn’t he make a flexible working request for 4 days per week if he cannot cope? Alternatives are getting a cleaner and being a bit less fussy with the chores (if your tidy standards are high, then reduce them a bit).

Definitely sort this out before trying for no. 2.

He doesn’t seem kind or supportive when he’s treating you like a housekeeper not his wife. Don’t have another child to have double the workload without any contribution from him. Definitely don’t quit your job.

I'm part time so not in the same boat but this is what I think. I think you need to draw up a list of all the housework jobs and agree who is doing what. Then you offload the mental load of 'managing' these tasks too. Make sure you never mention his jobs so you don't undermine that. Most of my friends where both parents work full time employ a cleaner. Is that an option? Laundry, one good tip is to do a load every day, as in wash dry and put away. You could put it on first thing, dh could hang it out when he's making a cupa in the day, and one of you put it away later. Many people manage both working full time. I think it must need really good team work. That need doesn't go away if you go part time though. As some of the threads I've started show!

I’m a teacher and maybe other teachers will disagree but I used to say to my husband that the good thing about me having lots of holidays is he can benefit as he’ll get a break as well as I’ll give him a break from washing up, making tea in the week etc. It’s worked well for us and we both look forward to the holidays. Term time we plan in advance so I do the shopping, he puts it away. He’ll do washing up that he prefers and I’ll make the tea. Not always fair, I seem to still do more, but generally ok.
I’ve got schoolwork to do at night but if I can get any jobs done in the week e.g. washing or cleaning the bathroom then I try to so we can have more of a rest at the weekend.
It’s hard when you have a baby. Good luck with the job.

What I mean is, he shouldn't think that you going part time would absolve him from doing anything at home!!!

I finish at 3, pick the kids up from school, sort then a snack and they watch some TV while I have a coffee and recover my wits from the day at work + school run, empty school bags, see what homework is set (they are only 6 & 4!), might do one cleaning job, cook tea, the dh finishes work. Has he thought about that!

@traumatisednoodle

If he's not coping maybe he could "look for something part time"

Exactly, he’s the one not managing rather than you OP, why the assumption that you should be part time to pick up the stuff he can’t deal with?

Have you suggested he go part time instead, what would his reaction be? Do you earn similar salaries?

The plan was always to go part time, it is my preference. If I’d been returning to a workplace I’d have asked for part time. As it is I was starting a new job so didn’t have that option.

I have only been back ten days, it is an adjustment, when I first had a baby I felt like I’d been by a train and couldn’t believe how little sleep or time I had. That’s now different.

We have to manage few the next few months as best we can. The nursery is lovely but it’s a lot for a small child, five days a week. It’s not exactly unusual to work part time with little children. But it isn’t an option for the next few months.

And no he earns quite a lot more, which is a cliche. But the point is this is something we talked about before we had children. It just isn’t possible yet.

He sounds selfish.

Don’t go part time before thoroughly looking into the pay and pension implications, which can be huge. Not to mention the negative impact on career and pay progression. Been there and done that, sadly!

If you do go PT, your H will use this as an excuse to do less domestic work and parenting,

Your H has treated you unfairly and needs to step up and do more. If he is REALLY decent, as you say, he will willingly do this. Instead of whining and pressuring you to go part time in order to do what he could do.

Sadly, many fathers talk the talk but are sexist and want their wives to do most of it! At present signs are you have one of those.

There are many childcare options other than nursery, if nursery doesn’t work out.

If he earns a lot more then get a cleaner for a start!

Can you get a cleaner?
We were in a similar situation and buying in help was the only way we coped. I then went very part time. I am planning to return to work full time soon and the first thing we will be doing is getting a cleaner again, a gardener, and generally buying in help.

Never ever, ever, give up your job for a man, or take low-paid, part-time work to put the man's career first. Oh how I wish I wasn't giving you this advice based on real-life experience.

Dozer, I do know

I’m so sorry if I sound rude, but this is not a thread about whether or not I should go part time. I decided that long ago. I would ideally like to work three days a week. Yes, it will have implications for my pension. However, I saw both parents work and get very stressed and in all honesty be quite unpleasant to be around, make grand plans for retirement and yet they never managed to fulfil them because they died.

I don’t completely ignore adult things like that, which is why work is important to me. The teaching pension scheme is a good one and I have paid into it for nearly twenty years. We also own a property I bought when I inherited money from my parents. We will not be living in poverty when we retire. Working five days a week with two tiny children in FT childcare because we might need the money in thirty years isn’t my priority right now.

A cleaner is a possibility, absolutely.

They say having a baby is like a bomb thrown into your relationship. What's happened here is that because of your work/wfh situation and you doing everything at home your husband has been shielded from some of that until now.

He isn't stressed by you working full time. He's stressed by having to pull his weight at home.

Ultimately you can go part-time if you want to but given what you have said in your posts, do so knowing that if you do he will never step up at home.

I agree with other comments, do not rush into having a second child, saying 'because we want one' makes you sound like a child wanting more toys. Read the numerous threads in here from women with two/three or more DC whose DHs still don't pull their weight. If he is not supportive now it will only get worse if you are trying to manage a job (part time or full time) and two DC.

If he’s not prepared to do the housework he needs to pay someone else to do it, but he sounds very lazy and old fashioned.

Well it's as simple as this really. You'll have a chat, explain the division of chores and childcare should be equal and propose a plan for you both going forward.

He'll either agree and work with you to make it work. Or he won't. People only change if they want to.

You need to have your plan ready for if he decides being an equal partner is far too hard for him and he'd prefer to be living a life from the 1960s where women were only there to serve men.

so you have a clear plan in terms of your career and future children, OP, am i right to assume your DH is clear and on board with this? something that i found helped me and DH negotiate situations like this was reminding ourselves of plans career and children wise, and then working out together how to manage the day to day (cleaning, childcare runs, commutes etc) to make good on those plans. and they don’t have to be permanent patterns, you say yourself you’re going to switch to part time so for now you both need to work out how to manage based on how things are right now. you can always revisit when you switch to part time.

the number of times DH and i have done this every time our working patterns, kids childcare school patterns have changed. there’s no one permanent solution you just have to keep adapting each time and remember it’s not an attack on each other.

I think the first part of your post is right @Palavah but I don’t think there’s a case here of a deeply entrenched bad attitude. I think it is just a big adjustment. Ultimately it was always going to be a challenge with us both doing full time work and demanding jobs at that. And we both need to be supportive of the other.

@Ragwort what is the correct answer to someone asking why you want another child, then?

I’m pretty upset, actually. I started the thread hoping to get advice onto how to help transition as a family. Instead, I’ve been told I shouldn’t have another baby at all and I sound like a child wanting more toys for wanting one? That’s not a supportive or helpful reply. I suspect no matter what I say though the thread will be about how I shouldn’t have another child (at my age not rushing into it isn’t really possible.)

It took my husband two months to realise that when I said he needs to do house work I meant it after I went back from mat leave, I told him I would rather be a single parent than keep doing the mental load, the house work and working full time (then if I didn't want to do something no one would complain house was a mess, abd I wouldn't be sorting his clothes). And he had to start helping with night wakes.

Don't go part time, you'll end up being told to stop working as you still won't get all the jobs donea