Husband stressed by me working FT

[ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn]

My husband isn’t a bad man at all. He’s kind, certainly generous, supportive and patient.

But I do think we’ve fallen into some bad habits. To give a bit of a back story, I had a run of bad luck job-wise when we met, and to cut a long story short I ended up taking a temporary teaching post where I got treated like shit on a shoe. It was pretty horrible tbh but covid and lockdown then being in third trimester meant I only actually physically worked there for a few weeks. Since I ended up off work for such a long time I did more or less everything in the house, and when I had our baby this continued.

With hindsight I should have made him step up more as he’s had a very cosseted life! He’s not a bad lazy man but he’s been WFH since the start of the pandemic, this has added a layer of stress for me as throughout my maternity I felt a bit like I was in the way and under his feet. He would have the baby for a couple of hours before starting work while I caught up on sleep but that’s more or less it, he’s not had to do night wakings or really had the baby alone for long periods. In contrast, I’ve had the baby out and about every day, gone to baby classes, long walks, met friends, had a lovely maternity leave in many ways but it’s not been quiet and chilled.

So one other thing that’s relevant here is when I had our baby I wanted to be a role model and I lost a large amount of weight. This gave me confidence and I got my dream job back in spring, to start in September. But since starting it its come as a shock to him. He constantly complains he’s tired and isn’t getting much work done because he’s tired, the baby was sent home ill from nursery and this fell on him. He said to me ‘can’t you look for something part time’. I do want part time work but I can’t just get it like that, the plan is to have another baby and go back part time after that but we do need to try to get through this year.

It is hard as we’ve no support at all. I lost my mum and my dad young and his live two hours away and aren’t all that interested (they dote on his brothers kids but that’s another problem!) so it comes down to him or me.

It is frustrating. I come in and laundry is everywhere and the dishwasher isn’t emptied. I honestly think he’s not had to do this stuff for so long he’s forgotten.

How can I get things back on a more fair and equal footing?

You're both working FT now, so he needs to do half the childcare and chores. This will be a shock to him - I imagine his life hasn't changed much since he had kids because you picked up all the extra workload. But that's different now and he needs to pull his weight.

Don't put up with 'a bit' of 'help' - you need to reset his expectations completely and insist of 50%. Only then will he realise how much work there actually is that you're quietly getting on with. And yes, half the overnights too.

He said to me ‘can’t you look for something part time’.

Poor spoiled little manchild is stressed about your full time job he wants you to quit it? Aaaaaaw!
Next time he spouts this rubbish at you, ask him why he doesn't go part time?

I do want part time work but I can’t just get it like that, the plan is to have another baby and go back part time after that but we do need to try to get through this year.

Are you sure you want to shackle yourself to this attitude by having another baby & causing him even more stress? So much that you'd better abandon your career so he has a full time housemaid & nanny?

You don't need to go part time.
You need him to step the fuck up, stop moaning, & accept that 50% of the domestic load is his responsibility. He doesn't get to palm that off on you by expecting you to give up your career to facilitate him.

I’m so sorry if I sound rude, but this is not a thread about whether or not I should go part time.

But from your husband's attitude, it looks like you choice is to remain full time at work - or go part time, but also suck up the full time (ie full responsibility for) all the household load.

I think you need to work on the domestic front before you are going to be able to solve the issue of how & when you make your employment part time. Or you are going to end up with 2 children, a part-time job, & a life of domestic servitude.

I work from home. Some days I get a load of washing done some days I eat breakfast at 2pm. Maybe you need to leave him a post it each morning... I know .. I know... But sometimes some cough men or people don't see things. Just leave him a post it and say what you need done? Get a cleaner for sure. I have an ironing lady. It's the business!

Off load simple things especially if you can afford it! . It takes time to get in a routine honestly and I'm flying solo with two boys who do multiple sports and I do 32 hours. I spend an hour on a Sunday laying out 5 days uniforms and kits so I have less to do each evening and morning it's all about getting that routine. It's new to you both.

Getting up in the night (baby doesn’t sleep through.)
Childcare when baby is ill
Organising things for the day at nursery
Laundry
Chores

So this ALL falls to you? You see why pp are saying don’t have another baby? Pointless complaining then going on to have another child when the situation will repeat. You say you’ve already spoken to him about this but it clearly went in one ear and out the other. A sea change won’t occur, clearly. Sorry to be harsh, OP, but if you’ve already spoken to him then do you think the situation will change?