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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Argument over Christmas (already)

236 replies

Jinglebella1 · 10/09/2021 04:32

I had an argument with my partner last night and now j am lying here unable to sleep. The argument was over where to spend Christmas (early I know!) .

My dad passed away last November so my mum is living on her own and she is struggling without my dad. My sister lives in Bali and has already sad that due to covid it is unlikely she will be able to come home for Christmas this year so I am the only family my mum will have. My partner would like to spend Christmas with his family - I completely understand his wish to spend it with his family as last year we spent it alone due to covid and the year before we spent it with my family so it has been a few years since we spent it with his family so is definitely "his turn". He suggested that we spend Christmas with his family and then "do Christmas" with my mum on Boxing Day instead this year and alternate. This seems a fair proposal longer term but I just can't let my mum be alone for Christmas Day, not so soon after my dad died it just breaks my heart.

As a compromise I suggested we invite his parents over and also my mum for Christmas Day so we can all spend it together. We have never hosted Xmas before so it would be nice to have his parents over. Firstly his argument is that we only have a 4 seater table and therefore don't have enough chairs for 5 people and completely dismissed my suggestion that god forbid we borrow an additional chair from somewhere as it wouldn't match our dining table. (This is a dig at my family as previous Christmas' we have squeezed extra people around the kitchen table using chairs from the garden- he looks down his nose at this and sees it as common whereas I see it as perfectly bloody normal).

His second argument is that he won't be able to see his brothers on Christmas Day. This would be true as fitting in his brothers and their children would be a step too much for our cosy house (garden chairs or not) but he hasn't even bothered to ask his brothers what their plans are for Xmas and how this fits in with seeing his parents. His parents are elderly and I don't think it is fair to expect them to host everyone at Christmas- they should be putting their feet up and relaxing.

I completely understand his wish to see his family but I feel he is not thinking about my feelings or thinking about my mum at all and is being pig-headed about the whole thing. He shouted at me and called me selfish which has upset me even more. We have been going through a rocky patch recently so I am finding this really hard to deal with. I just don't know what to do but I am frustrated and upset that he is digging his heels in rather than trying to help me come up with a solution that would make everyone happy.

OP posts:
BritishSummertime · 10/09/2021 12:47

Sounds like he may want to end the relationship and it all be your fault

I agree, or he's just a complete arse, either way the end result should be that you aren't with him by Christmas so the whole argument is moot.

WallaceinAnderland · 10/09/2021 12:51

Apart from him being childish, stubborn and selfish, he is also heartless which is, imo far worse. Have a lovely day with your mum OP and start making plans to leave.

Frannibananni · 10/09/2021 12:55

If you don’t have children I don’t see why spending Christmas apart would be a big deal. It’s what we would do

StarryNightSparkles · 10/09/2021 12:58

Apologies if I have missed it, but have you asked your mum what her plans for Christmas are? What if she wants Christmas by herself or is planning on seeing friends. On reading your original post it seems a lot of arguing with no facts ie who's plans you know.

Firstly I would ask everyone what they are planning then go from there. It sounds like your husband is dragging his feet on all options and it's his way or the high way. Could you do a buffet style Christmas lunch?

Sending you hugs 💐 sounds like a nightmare situation for you. If push comes to shove please put your mum first if need be.

chasingmytail4 · 10/09/2021 13:02

Whatever solution you reach now OP, you probably won't forget his cruel attitude towards your Mum, will you?

user1487194234 · 10/09/2021 13:03

I would definitely not leave my mum on her own,end of
Arrangements would be made around that red line

I would be very disappointed if my DH did not support me in this

CheltenhamLady · 10/09/2021 13:05

I think you are being very accommodating to your partner by giving him options.

There is no scenario where either myself or my DH would see a recently widowed older lady sitting at home alone on Christmas Day. None (unless it was her express choice)

Tbh, Christmas is the least of your worries. He has no respect for you to ask you to leave your mum alone. No decent man would do that.

This trait will resurface all the time and you will have to keep pandering to it as you are now. It is time to consider your options and I am not talking about those to do with Christmas.

HollowTalk · 10/09/2021 13:07

It's a deeper problem than Christmas, but if he could enjoy his Christmas Day knowing my mum was alone, then he wouldn't be the man for me.

Famousinlove · 10/09/2021 13:10

@Frannibananni

If you don’t have children I don’t see why spending Christmas apart would be a big deal. It’s what we would do
Yep, this is what me and DP do, no arguments this way
RantyAunty · 10/09/2021 13:17

Go to your mums.

I have regrets giving in to my exH at the expense of my family.

If you do split, you'll never see any of them again as they are his family.

Go to your mums.

Antinerak · 10/09/2021 13:18

Invite your mum over all day, he can stay as long as he wants and then go to his family for lunch/dinner time. You and your mum can have christmas dinner together and spend the day together. It can be a new tradition for her to look forward to.

JacquelineCarlyle · 10/09/2021 13:21

@TubeOfSmarties

What kind of dickhead would leave a recently widowed close relative on her own for Christmas day because a chair won't match?
This!
PostingForTheFirstTime · 10/09/2021 13:22

Let him go to his parents' house alone, and you have your mum over. While he's gone, change the locks.
It is appalling that he would think it OK to let someone recently widowed spend Christmas on their own.

diddl · 10/09/2021 16:24

@OhCobblers

Spend Xmas with your mum and the rest of your life without HIM
I agree with that!
Livandme · 10/09/2021 16:28

He's showed you who he is and what he cares about.
Take heed.

layladomino · 10/09/2021 17:46

For your Mum's sake, spend your Christmas with her. His behaviour is worrying - accusing you of being selfish whilst being really selfish himself. He wants to know he's got his own way EVEN BEFORE CHECKING that his plans suit his family. So even if they would like to come to yours, along with your Mum, he doesn't want that. Because it's more important to him to have got his own way.

If everything else in your relationship was great, I'd be asking him what is bothering him that he isn't telling you about, as this behviour is odd. But you've said this seems to be a trait of his, in which case you need to think about whether you want to live this way.

Either way, you know the right thing to do is Christmas with your Mum.

Original poster
Jinglebella1 · 10/09/2021 17:52

Thank you everyone. Things are not in a good place between us, I have tried to talk it through calmly with him but he is being impossible. Just in absolute years right now. People are right, I should really question why we are together, not just for this but other shot he has pulled in the past. Believe it or not he does have some lovely things about that I love but it's so sad when they are squashed down by this petulant man-child.

Think it's wine time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jinglebella1 · 10/09/2021 17:55

Regardless of everything, I know I must see my mum on Christmas Day and I am not compromising on that for anybody. Thank you all for helping me know that I am not being unreasonable in prioritising her xx

OP posts:
Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 10/09/2021 18:09

Your problem is you're trying to be rational with him and he's being emotional. I'd be whacking the emotion right back at him if that's what he wants. Are you saying you don't love me? Or respect my family? Are you saying you think my mother who's been widowed less than a year needs less support then your brothers? Etc

babbi · 10/09/2021 18:16

@chasingmytail4

Whatever solution you reach now OP, you probably won't forget his cruel attitude towards your Mum, will you?
This precisely. OP get shot of this selfish man. He has no heart . As was said up thread spend Xmas with your mum and the rest of your life without him .

He’s cruel and draining

MrsSugar · 10/09/2021 18:33

Ah Xmas.. time for comfort and joy eh !
It always creates arguments in my house too. My mum is on her own too as my dad suddenly died in 2019. I swear as long as I
Am here I will spend Xmas with her no matter where. I’d just say partner can go to his family n u spend the day with ur mum n do ur own Boxing Day !

FlowerArranger · 10/09/2021 18:35

@Jinglebella1

Thank you everyone. Things are not in a good place between us, I have tried to talk it through calmly with him but he is being impossible. Just in absolute years right now. People are right, I should really question why we are together, not just for this but other shot he has pulled in the past. Believe it or not he does have some lovely things about that I love but it's so sad when they are squashed down by this petulant man-child.

Think it's wine time.

FlowersWineFlowers
cabingirl · 10/09/2021 19:28

He's behaving horribly.

The very simple solution is for you both to spend Christmas Day with your own families. DH and I have done that many times over the last 20 years when circumstances needed it - including times when people were grieving, needed care etc. We do what is best for the majority and/or the most needy at that particular time.

This year because of parents in different countries and Covid we might have to do it again. Fingers crossed not but who knows.

You've got so many options to make the best of it for everyone. If your DP is having a tantrum and refusing to see any solutions than the one he wants then he has no one's best interests at heart other than his own.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 10/09/2021 19:35

OP, he sounds really horrible. This would be the hill I die upon if I was in your position. A compromise could be reached but he isn’t interested. I’d walk away and tell him he is a poor excuse for a human being. Imagine having this as a father to your child! You deserve better.

MsJinks · 10/09/2021 20:00

34 Xmas’ with all my kids/grandkids/families, at least a good part of the day if not all of it - never expected I’d be first to buck this tradition - but now my mum is on her own, so it’s a no brainer, I will be with her, as I started last year caring for her and my Dad. She can’t have the rest round but we can be like normal about it and have a day together separately. Mind my kids are all girls and I’ve heard far too many guys insisting on their family having ‘priority’ - even married one in the dim and distant - I don’t understand why still though, or the arguments it causes, spoiling already even the thought of it all.
It’s ridiculous grown men can’t be empathetic and doubly ridiculous they can’t be like adult about it and let it go - it’s ‘a’ day.
Symptomatic of bigger issues I know so good luck OP - you’ve reached a fixed boundary and he can’t cope.