How to I be clear without being controlling or a total cow?

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Boundaries one.
Dp cheated although still won't admit it, took woman away to a work weekend and lied about it until caught, and drugs. Kicked him out and doing relate counseling to see if way through. Living apart but trying to see if it will work, we have 1 ds who is 3 and he has 3 kids from previous marriage.
Im okay ish but emotional and struggling with single parenting a bit as I work full time and study part time. Dp will help me out if asked b ut generally has had ds 3 hours a week and that's it.
Th e pinch is evrytime I state what I want it unreasonable or not possible. He says he's trying his best which seems to involve wine/chocolate and wanting intimacy but not mcuh else.
How do I set clear boundires without coming across angry or controlling ?
What I want:

1. Honesty and no contact at all with affair woman.
2. Him to change jobs, massive issue in relationship as low earning hobby job and stress allegedly led to drugs etc. Previously been promised but now actively backtracking.
3. Him to step up with kids. Real time with them and consistency.
4. Interest in fmsily time/couple time beyond work and not working during this time eg always on phone.
5. Clear drugs tests and random tests if asked. This is non negotiable and he's been complying plus clean.

He's agreed to evrything but then moves goal posts around, for example says I can't have kids as so busy but then is in the pub for a quick pint etc when I ask he says I'm controlling him. Booked to go on hols for a week with dad with no consultation and I said no as I can't cover childcare as I work and he didn't chevk, I'm controlling as it's only a week and it's unfair etc. He'd go spare if I swaned off for a week with no notice! It sounds a bit petty but it's chipping away at agreed boundires that he knew I had to try again. On a plus side and to be fair, drug tests are clear and his blocked the woman on social media and phone etc but obviously thats easy to unblock when I'm not around. Etc. The couseller implied he gaslights, eg asked for space and he rnag evry single day said he'd kill himself if I didn't speak to him etc and asked me read some things around this. Sorry for the rambling post but feeling conflicted

You're flogging a dead horse.

Why on earth are you bothering with this shit bloke?

I agree. He’s not going to change. You’ll never truly trust him. I would honestly split and just prioritise getting him to have meaningful time with the kids.

You’re wasting your time, just dump the loser

Don’t even bother. This has dead end written all over it. You won’t get what you need from this man. Cut your losses now.

Well, you've tried - but he hasn't. And won't. He agrees to boundaries to get you off his back, then immediately reneges on them - because he sees any attempt to have a proper adult relationship as being controlled.

Get rid.

God how exhausting. Other option bin him and find someone who can work out how to be a decent person all by himself without you having to bloody literally spell it out 🙄. Pathetic

Running rings round you. Don't waste your time. Find someone who wants to treat you properly.

If I was trying to make a go of it, I'd have to be both controlling & angry to have any chance of compliance, I think.

But that not the way you want to live your life, is it?

I hope you aren’t expected to care for his children while he is away or on a regular basis….
What are you getting from being with him at all?

Thank you for replies, my confidence is slightly through the floor at the moment. Single parenting etc feels very daunting to me, which I know I will manage okay if I must.
Another thing... Is this normal? Collect ds from school nursery for first time he flat refused to leave with him unless mummy came as wanted mummy. Is that normal?

You are trying to set boundaries with someone who has zero respect or understanding of what that means. Fuck that OP, life is too short. You are now questioning yourself as he wants you to come in line with his wanky wavery boundaries.

Yes because Daddy is scary and inconsistent I would want Mummy too.

No I flat refuse to do that both previously but especially now. His exw did ask and I literally laughed and said no. Tbf it was the end of that

you are trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.. He has NO intention of changing. this is a complete waste of time. you'd be better off putting some effort into yourself.

Imagine having a conversation with yourself age 18 and saying "and when you are grown up you'll have a relationship with a guy where you have to make him take random drug test because he cheated on you and took drugs" what would 18 year old you have said?

your ds has the measure of him.

Excellent point! Yep well put

@Pemmican

You're flogging a dead horse.

Why on earth are you bothering with this shit bloke?

I completely agree with this.

In what universe do those things sound petty? They really, really don't, you know. Why do you think his enormous, constant stamping on perfectly normal requests is petty?
He's done a comete number on you. Just leave with some dignity before your self esteem is completely crushed. He's not changing because he doesn't want to change. Look at his actions. He's not changing jobs because he doesn't want a new job. He's not looking after the kids (3/4 of whom aren't even yours) because he doesn't want to look after the kids. He's not present with the family because he doesn't want to be present. He doesn't value your time and job because he doesn't want to. Nothing else is stopping him apart from the fact that he doesn't want to change. Don't put up with it.

I agree. Dump him. Who could be arsed with this shit like.

I’ve read quite a few of your posts on the step-parenting forum. He’s a freeloader, a cheat and an addict. You do virtually all the care for your joint child, loads for your step-children while he coasts along spending money he hasn’t got. He doesn’t have a job, he has a hobby that pays a pittance. I’d leave him just for that even before you get to the cheating and drugs.

This has nothing to do with you being controlling and everything to do with him being feckless, freeloading and completely taking you for a ride.

I wouldn't give a shit about coming across as controlling. That's what you need from him after he's been unfaithful. There's nothing petty about it. He's either going to do it or not. If he isn't and you don't stick to your guns there's no point in trying to establish what you need in the first place. Make him have repercussions for his actions.

Thank you.
I think self esteem isn't where it needs to be with me tbh but the couseller did imply gaslighting will do that. I find aggression really easy to deal with but the insedious nature of this type of control is hard to see unless I'm away from it for long periods.

Agree with everyone. Dont waste any more time

Just call it a day. He's never going to change.

Good grief OP....seriously stop all this and just be single....dont even entertain him in the slightest. This was exhausting to read. You can do this alone and you will do this alone, keep apart and move on. This will never have a good ending if you continue with him.