How to I be clear without being controlling or a total cow?

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Boundaries one.
Dp cheated although still won't admit it, took woman away to a work weekend and lied about it until caught, and drugs. Kicked him out and doing relate counseling to see if way through. Living apart but trying to see if it will work, we have 1 ds who is 3 and he has 3 kids from previous marriage.
Im okay ish but emotional and struggling with single parenting a bit as I work full time and study part time. Dp will help me out if asked b ut generally has had ds 3 hours a week and that's it.
Th e pinch is evrytime I state what I want it unreasonable or not possible. He says he's trying his best which seems to involve wine/chocolate and wanting intimacy but not mcuh else.
How do I set clear boundires without coming across angry or controlling ?
What I want:

1. Honesty and no contact at all with affair woman.
2. Him to change jobs, massive issue in relationship as low earning hobby job and stress allegedly led to drugs etc. Previously been promised but now actively backtracking.
3. Him to step up with kids. Real time with them and consistency.
4. Interest in fmsily time/couple time beyond work and not working during this time eg always on phone.
5. Clear drugs tests and random tests if asked. This is non negotiable and he's been complying plus clean.

He's agreed to evrything but then moves goal posts around, for example says I can't have kids as so busy but then is in the pub for a quick pint etc when I ask he says I'm controlling him. Booked to go on hols for a week with dad with no consultation and I said no as I can't cover childcare as I work and he didn't chevk, I'm controlling as it's only a week and it's unfair etc. He'd go spare if I swaned off for a week with no notice! It sounds a bit petty but it's chipping away at agreed boundires that he knew I had to try again. On a plus side and to be fair, drug tests are clear and his blocked the woman on social media and phone etc but obviously thats easy to unblock when I'm not around. Etc. The couseller implied he gaslights, eg asked for space and he rnag evry single day said he'd kill himself if I didn't speak to him etc and asked me read some things around this. Sorry for the rambling post but feeling conflicted

But op, I am mystified. He behaves appallingly and the doubles down on that behaviour when you rightly ask him to behave like an actual parent. He tramples on every boundary. He doesn't even pay his way or coparent now. Why will he change unless you pull up your boundaries and say enough, go and live somewhere else, I am not being treated like this any more.

One wonders just what he would have to do to make you give up?!? Most women would be long gone. You’re really are flogging a dead horse here.

Honestly, why bother?

The guy's a loser, and your bar is set much too low.

I'm sure you have respect (sorry).
But I do think the real you is starting to erode and you're being slowly conditioned by him to live in and accept his hell.

Don't let this become your normal, because it isn't normal and you could do so much better for yourself and your DS.

He's agreed to evrything but then moves goal posts around, for example says I can't have kids as so busy but then is in the pub for a quick pint etc when I ask he says I'm controlling him. Booked to go on hols for a week with dad with no consultation and I said no as I can't cover childcare as I work and he didn't chevk, I'm controlling as it's only a week and it's unfair etc. He'd go spare if I swaned off for a week with no notice!
It sounds a bit petty

It's not petty at all OP, but I bet he tells you it is.
In between telling you you are "controlling" for daring to point out when he reneges on yet another promise.

His words are designed to mollify you while he continues doing whatever suits him - & to hell with your feelings, or family life.

You are not "petty" to observe that his words are so different to his behaviours. But ... he's a serial liar, isn't he, so par for the course ...

On a plus side and to be fair, drug tests are clear and his blocked the woman on social media and phone etc but obviously thats easy to unblock when I'm not around.

Not taking drugs or shagging other women is a very low bar to set.
And you know he's only holding off to keep you sweet until ... the next time. I imagine that will be your fault too. Cos you know, you are such a controlling old dragon that he has to take drugs & chase women to be able to deal with the stress your (entirely reasonable) demands put him through ...

The couseller implied he gaslights, eg asked for space and he rnag evry single day said he'd kill himself if I didn't speak to him etc and asked me read some things around this.

She's spot-on. Stick with her - JUST you. Don't take your waste of space with you - couples counselling is NOT recommended when one of the pair is abusive. (btw, that's not you!)

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Sorry for the rambling post but feeling conflicted

You ramble on my dear, It will help you start to sort it all out in your mind. You have been living in the twisted dynamic of cognitive dissonance caused by him saying one thing, but doing another. Of course you feel confused & overwhelmed.

Single parenting etc feels very daunting to me, which I know I will manage okay if I must

Yeah but no but ...
Imagine making arrangements for your & your child's life that get set in stone because you are making them with solid friends or professionals, not this flakey twat.
Imagine the smooth running of a household without someone actively sabotaging your career & comfort by arranging an impromptu holiday & dumping the childcare arrangements you thought were meant to be solid.
Imagine a home life free of constant lies & manipulation.
Imagine the atmosphere you can create for you & DC when you are not being lied to, gaslit, cheated on, & constantly let down over "promises".
Imagine how you will feel when there's nobody in your home calling you "controlling" every time you make a reasonable request.
Imagine the simple relief of not having to constantly police & maintain your boundaries, because there's nobody in your home who delights in trampling them.

You are being taken for granted, used & manipulated.
He's shown you who he is, & that he has NO intention of stepping up as a parent, let alone a decent partner.
The relief you feel when you fuck him off & no longer have to tolerate his bullshit will be immense.

Fuck him off, OP!
I know it's easy to say, but you sound strong, bright & resourceful.
Take your time, chat it all out with your counsellor for some handholding, & start taking the practical steps you need in order to get this unpleasant man out of your home.

Thank you... Feels like a leap of faith to just say enough. But all change is scary, your right I need to work through this and I am. Inching my way along to a decision I think is inevitable sadly.
Im 'lucky' as I own my own home outright (it's far from a Palace, think 60s semi) but it's mine and I earn more than enough to pay my bills and have an okay pension.
My son will be fine, he is loved and cared for and generally a lucky boy - he may deny this after refusal to buy him toys today when out!
I have family and a few close friends who I lean on, who mostly don't like him btw.

OP I am sorry for your shocking loss

You are handling so much right now, yet are still managing to come across as so sparky, capable & bright.

The fact that your counsellor felt moved to infer gaslighting at your couples session is very telling. Massive hints from her to start doing the reading on coercive control etc. Once you move to solo counselling, you might be amazed on how she opens this subject up for you. My only reservation with her is that she should ideally be refusing to counsel you jointly any more, because she is finding out how abusive he is - BUT, maybe this is a recent revelation to her, & she is on a "watch & wait" brief.

Please also think of the several times you have referenced how much easier it is to think clearly when he is away from you. I think your counsellor was also nudging you to spend much (all, preferably!) more time apart form him, so that you have space for the real you to emerge.

At some level, probably not conscious (doubt he has the self-awareness or emotional honesty for it) your partner knows this too, which is why he feels justified in breaking yet another boundary - his promise to back off for a few weeks, which he broke by invading your phone daily. He is a Hooverer - here's a useful link -
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

& he's not whining to get back together with you out of "love" - he just wants the convenience, financial support, & domestic labour your provide. You are wise to suspect your feelings for him also are not love, but trauma bonding. That's another one to raise with your counsellor.

You are in so much better a position than you imagine.
Single parenthood will be a doddle compared to a life policing, & being let down by, this awful man (or caring for/financing his 3 DC on top of everything else).
You have a home, a good job, access to solo counselling & a wealth of resources that you are smart enough to access & tough enough to put yourself through the work of understanding & implementing.

Dump the feckless lying twat. He doesn't care about you, & it's not your job to be a rehab centre for badly behaved men. Especially one who has demonstrated time & again that he does not give a shit about being a decent human.

Thank you, the link was useful

OP too be honest you sound like a victim of gaslighting. You're worried about coming across as controlling because that's how he makes you see yourself, he's messing with your head. You really need a break from this man and to focus on yourself for a bit to be able to see the reality again. You can't do that when you're under his influence and when you invest all your energy in fixing him rather then healing yourself.
I was in similar situations and when I read your posts I have flashbacks and feel absolutely drained and tired just by reading it! Like you I was completely lost when I was in a middle of it and only after I left I saw the light and was able to understand the toxic dynamic of it all (although it was gradual process).
Relationships need a willingness and effort on both sides, at the moment you are one person over functioning for two.

@Pemmican

You're flogging a dead horse.

Why on earth are you bothering with this shit bloke?

^^This.

Thank you everyone.

I think and it sounds wrong, I've come to the conclusion the financals is the bit not rectifiable. I only wnat one child not a man dependant.

1.he has no pension or life or critical illness cover

1. Spends money like water and has no savings
2. Treats himself to beer, wine, chocolates etc when he wnats or expensive hobby related items. Or previously drugs and now cigars or fags. Despite being in debt etc
3. I flat don't belive him about the job change to earn at least min wage per month.

I can't change who he is.
Its actually unreasonable of me to try. And I need to stop and focus on myself.

Thanks evryone for your help. This is going to be hard and difficult but it's the right thing to do.
I will defo continue counselling alone. It will help and the couseller is actually good.

I'm glad you've seen the light. He is a complete manchild and ever will be. Not even the end of his marriage made him grow up.

I hope counselling helps you see that you are also worth someone that doesn't cheat on you or lie to you.

Keep on keeping on. Grieve for who you thought he was and hoped he could me.

DS will be fine with you as an amazing role model and your ex will be some fun irresponsible uncle figure that turns up occasionally.

He wants space - but only for himself to drink and sleep around. He can't stand the thought of you having space - aka freedom. Selfish.

Also to be clear.. ExDp is a knob. I ahve covid and am quite ill. He's ditched us and won help with ds who dosnt need to isolate as negative. Plus his mates are on social media saying I'm faking it so he can't do his job over weekendand he didn't defend us.
Honestly I don't know how I didn't see it beofre properly, if I never ever spoke to him again in my life I'd be happy.

Thank you to evryone on here and my couseller for helping me see the light. X

So sorry you are ill with Covid.

Yep complete knob, doesn't care about your lovely DS at all does he

So glad you have seen the light!

Thanks hun xxx

Postive news got my law qualification through post today and he nearly lost me that through his behaviour. Wins!

🥳

Go you, you are so amazing!!!

Ensure you celebrate that with friends.

Huge congratulations on the exam success and finally seeing the light.

Your future and that of your son is so much brighter.

Hope you feel better soon.