How to I be clear without being controlling or a total cow?

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Boundaries one.
Dp cheated although still won't admit it, took woman away to a work weekend and lied about it until caught, and drugs. Kicked him out and doing relate counseling to see if way through. Living apart but trying to see if it will work, we have 1 ds who is 3 and he has 3 kids from previous marriage.
Im okay ish but emotional and struggling with single parenting a bit as I work full time and study part time. Dp will help me out if asked b ut generally has had ds 3 hours a week and that's it.
Th e pinch is evrytime I state what I want it unreasonable or not possible. He says he's trying his best which seems to involve wine/chocolate and wanting intimacy but not mcuh else.
How do I set clear boundires without coming across angry or controlling ?
What I want:

1. Honesty and no contact at all with affair woman.
2. Him to change jobs, massive issue in relationship as low earning hobby job and stress allegedly led to drugs etc. Previously been promised but now actively backtracking.
3. Him to step up with kids. Real time with them and consistency.
4. Interest in fmsily time/couple time beyond work and not working during this time eg always on phone.
5. Clear drugs tests and random tests if asked. This is non negotiable and he's been complying plus clean.

He's agreed to evrything but then moves goal posts around, for example says I can't have kids as so busy but then is in the pub for a quick pint etc when I ask he says I'm controlling him. Booked to go on hols for a week with dad with no consultation and I said no as I can't cover childcare as I work and he didn't chevk, I'm controlling as it's only a week and it's unfair etc. He'd go spare if I swaned off for a week with no notice! It sounds a bit petty but it's chipping away at agreed boundires that he knew I had to try again. On a plus side and to be fair, drug tests are clear and his blocked the woman on social media and phone etc but obviously thats easy to unblock when I'm not around. Etc. The couseller implied he gaslights, eg asked for space and he rnag evry single day said he'd kill himself if I didn't speak to him etc and asked me read some things around this. Sorry for the rambling post but feeling conflicted

No idea why you would want this waste of a space man back tbh with you?

Once you've moved on your life will be so much easier and straightforward. You will realise what a burden he has been. Enjoy your freedom and the space to bring up your DS without any destructive influence. Your life your way. Single life is so much less stressful than this.

Be on your own, it’s better than standing by an utter twat like this individual. Your demand setting is a waste of time.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up then?. Did your mother behave similarly?. Why are your boundaries so utterly poor?

Mate, it would be much easier just to find a guy who treat you like he gives a shit about you. You and your boy deserve better than this faithless, feckless disloyal idiot.

@Pleaseaddcaffine

Thank you for replies, my confidence is slightly through the floor at the moment. Single parenting etc feels very daunting to me, which I know I will manage okay if I must. Another thing... Is this normal? Collect ds from school nursery for first time he flat refused to leave with him unless mummy came as wanted mummy. Is that normal?

You already are single parenting and I bet you’ll find it a lot easier when he’s out of your headspace

Thank you, hard to read but fair

Counsellor pretty shit too as where there's abuse as there clearly is here which counsellor has even identified means no dual counselling.

But basically yea why are you so determined to stay with someone who doesn't care for or respect you?

Cut your losses and move on

You're already a single parent it'll only be easier if the relationship is ended properly inc for your child

You really need to set your own boundaries about how you will not allow yourself to be treated so badly and what is acceptable. Number one being dumping him. That will do your self esteem more good than trying to change him, that way lies madness and worse self esteem.

You will manage, you do not need a lazy, lying cheat dragging you down. Seek out help and support from others while you build your strength.

Op is fear of being a single parent so bad you would rather be with someone who treats you like this?

You need to get some support if that’s the case. He’s a lying cheating, toad who isn’t interested in his own kid . Cmon being alone is better than this

Fear of single parenting is to be blunt I didn't wnat children. I'm obviously very happy I have ds now and he is wonderful, but it wasn't in my life plan. Working full time and managing him alone is tough. I find the toddler bit exhausting I found him easier at around 6mths than at any other time. I'm sure this will change as he gets older and more independent but it is very daunting to think of doing evrything myself as I know I'd end up doing.
I realise that sounds weak but it would be a lie to not admit that to myself. I can manage and do, I have a very supportive family who will help if needed.

Things will get easier. Don't be afraid to ask for support from your family and friends. Stop looking for your ex to step up and be a good guy- he's had his chances. You will find life a lot easier when you've kicked your ex to the kerb.
(NB I did this with my feckless ex when my dd was 4. Should have done it when she was 0)

Thanks, I'm crap at asking for help and I know it.

I have a very supportive family who will help when needed

You need them now to help you make this break and get your life back.

You are hardly asking for moonlight and roses are you?

All your rules are:-

Don’t cheat on you
Don’t take drugs
Get a proper job
Do some parenting

These are such basic things that I wouldn’t describe them as rules - just basic requirements of an adult.

Imagine ten years from now, what is more daunting?

Being single with a lovely teenager (🤞) proud of the fact that you have raised him, held down a job and studied on your own.

Still bring with this twat, who does drugs, cheats on you, gaslights you, borrows money, never pays it back and generally treats you like shit.

@Pleaseaddcaffine

Fear of single parenting is to be blunt I didn't wnat children. I'm obviously very happy I have ds now and he is wonderful, but it wasn't in my life plan. Working full time and managing him alone is tough. I find the toddler bit exhausting I found him easier at around 6mths than at any other time. I'm sure this will change as he gets older and more independent but it is very daunting to think of doing evrything myself as I know I'd end up doing. I realise that sounds weak but it would be a lie to not admit that to myself. I can manage and do, I have a very supportive family who will help if needed.

What does he actually contribute to your DS care? You wouldn't have to care for his older DC. Might it be less work parenting DS with no help than caring for all the DC with low or no support from him? I have this same fear, yet I know I can do it myself from past experience. It's fear

Hit post accidentally.
I've pretty much been doing it myself for years.

Been there, done that, so I say this with empathy. If you have to state rules which explain and describe to your partner what normal standards and decent behaviour are in a relationship, it's broken. He won't follow these rules and you'll become a policewoman who miserably spends your life enforcing them.

Get out of this relationship and find someone who meets your standards, and who adores you. That is not this man.

I know, it is fear. I am financially fine and have a good job that fortunately means I can pay for everything me n ds need.

When H is away it makes no difference to my morning routine, where I do everything to get DC fed and ready and to different schools. His absence makes very little change to our evening routine and it's actually calmer without him there.

literally any bloke off the street would probably be a better partner than the bloke youre trying to fix.

OP, you sound like a lovely woman. Why is someone like you, with your shit together - articulate, decent job, continuing to develop yourself through education, great little kid - want with such a low grade man? A cheating, unemployed, druggie who makes excuses not to see his own child. You can and will do far far better than him - you just need to cut the twat loose.

There aren't enough words in the world to explain how massively you are wasting your time on this feckless, fuckwit of a man. He won't even admit what he's done and you're going to therapy with him?

Do yourself the biggest favour of your life and get rid of him. You don't need him for anything.

I have no idea why you want to be with him. You deserve so much better. You life would be happier and easier without him. I've been in a troubled marriage. I've been a single parent. The second is a lot easier. Especially if you have people to call on for support.

He has let you down in some terrible ways. Why are you trying to flog this dead horse? He isn't worth your time or energy.

He gets very angry ref the cheating. H free says it wasn't that just a stupid call but acknowledges he lied to be and betrayed my trust.
Tbh I hardly care anymore as the lies are the thing