How to I be clear without being controlling or a total cow?

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Boundaries one.
Dp cheated although still won't admit it, took woman away to a work weekend and lied about it until caught, and drugs. Kicked him out and doing relate counseling to see if way through. Living apart but trying to see if it will work, we have 1 ds who is 3 and he has 3 kids from previous marriage.
Im okay ish but emotional and struggling with single parenting a bit as I work full time and study part time. Dp will help me out if asked b ut generally has had ds 3 hours a week and that's it.
Th e pinch is evrytime I state what I want it unreasonable or not possible. He says he's trying his best which seems to involve wine/chocolate and wanting intimacy but not mcuh else.
How do I set clear boundires without coming across angry or controlling ?
What I want:

1. Honesty and no contact at all with affair woman.
2. Him to change jobs, massive issue in relationship as low earning hobby job and stress allegedly led to drugs etc. Previously been promised but now actively backtracking.
3. Him to step up with kids. Real time with them and consistency.
4. Interest in fmsily time/couple time beyond work and not working during this time eg always on phone.
5. Clear drugs tests and random tests if asked. This is non negotiable and he's been complying plus clean.

He's agreed to evrything but then moves goal posts around, for example says I can't have kids as so busy but then is in the pub for a quick pint etc when I ask he says I'm controlling him. Booked to go on hols for a week with dad with no consultation and I said no as I can't cover childcare as I work and he didn't chevk, I'm controlling as it's only a week and it's unfair etc. He'd go spare if I swaned off for a week with no notice! It sounds a bit petty but it's chipping away at agreed boundires that he knew I had to try again. On a plus side and to be fair, drug tests are clear and his blocked the woman on social media and phone etc but obviously thats easy to unblock when I'm not around. Etc. The couseller implied he gaslights, eg asked for space and he rnag evry single day said he'd kill himself if I didn't speak to him etc and asked me read some things around this. Sorry for the rambling post but feeling conflicted

He's the same old him.

He says what he needs in order to appease you but actions show you who he really his.

Love is action not words. He doesn't love you - he loved the home you provided for him and his DC, you financially subsidising him so he can piss about in his hobby job, that you were so trusting he could shag around and do drugs.

He hasn't even had the decency to admit the affair and apologise.

Why do you persist in flogging this dead horse of a relationship?

You need solo counselling and the freedom programme.

He never did much with your DS and he is doing less than ever, where are his actions to be a decent Dad and to support you by doing his share of parenting?

Sure he'll have seemingly justifiable reasons but they're bullshit. He wants you on your knees begging him back for what little he did before so he can carry on doing as he pleases. There will always be a reason why he can't get a minimum wage job, why he still needs these weekends away where he goes off grid and you are looking after his DC.

Your bare minimum is that he is drug free as everything else you will accept an excuse for.

Oh op I can only echo what pp's have written. I've been there, it's shit.

As an aside, no car I've ever owned can charge a phone without the keys in the ignition at least, most not without the engine running.

Get rid. You're already doing the single parenting, I promise you it gets less hard both practically and emotionally once you make that break; ots not controlling, it's you setting boundaries and empowering yourself x

I'm not putting up with it. Hence why I have thrown him out 4 mths ago and we no longer live together. We will not even if stuff works for a year and the job is non negotiable like the drugs. He has to get paid employment as its riddiculous.
Ive lived with this since ds was born so years of it and your view of normal skews. It shouldn't but it does.
Thank you for replying, at least I know its not unreasonable to be annoyed about this weekend ontop of the other annoyances.
Best advice I've been given on here is the power is mine to decide today, 3 mths, 6 mths, 1 year its up to me to decide and I can walk away whenever I choose. That way you can see if behaviour changes not just the words.

Someone you cared about committed suicide, he was away in the sane scenario where he cheated 4 months ago,, he didn't make sticking to contact as per counselling agreement a priority - in fact he went off radar for 8 hours.

Are they actions of a kind and loving man - hell no.

He gives not one shiny shit about you or the relationship does he?

I mean it wasn't a few hours it was 8. He couldn't be bothered to set aside 10 mi urea to plug in his phone and text. He has zero intention of change.

You said joint counselling was his last chance and he is still pissing you about eroding your poor boundaries.

@Pleaseaddcaffine i have been in this situation for the past 2.5 years.

I have given my husband chance after chance to sort the issues within our relationship. He keeps doing what broke it down. Says he loves me and clears off out with the person who interfered.

Please don't waste anymore time trying to resolve your relationship. You did your best but he didn't!

Your son will be ok without his Dad being around. My children have shown me that. They have told me they love their dad but don't rely on him as he lets them down constantly.

It's just me that has to accept that the man I love doesn't exist any longer and that's hard for me.

I am sorry for the loss of your family member x

Thank you x I think that's the bit I'm struggling with... I don't recognise him or indeed myself.

Remember Caffeine he's been an arse for years already - hobby job, dumping his DC on you, you financially subsidising him. The affair and drugs has probably being going on for most of that time but you just didn't catch him and now you have he still denies it!

He has robbed your DS of being a decent Dad since his birth.

You will feel much stronger when you dump the mental load of "what's fair" he has never played fair. You are a people pleaser and he's played on that and your kindness to his other DC. Remember you were prepared to move or extend your house for his DC and how has he repaid that?

Thank you. I guess I don't count the house stuff as that was for the family unit not just him. It's just what family does, you pull together and do the tough stuff as that's required.

But your right, he has repaid my loyalty and support with betrayal. I asked him to name one time I'd let him down or lied to him and he couldn't. He may not like evrything I've said or done but it's been honest

I never understand posts like this. These boards are full of people that make ultimatums or that great MN saying "set boundaries". Then start winging and provarocating when the recipient (usually a; unfaithful/abusive/lying (pick as appropriate) partner), starts to weedle their way out of the situation. Of course in the majority of instances, the partner is going to do try and weedle out of the punishment, that's because they are unfaithful/abusive/liers (pick as appropriate).

"Boundaries" should be specific, non negotiable (by the recipient) timebound (if required) and have a very specific consequence of failure. (Just like having kids but more severe consequences).

Then failure to apply your consequence is your failure not the recipients.

But it was you alone prepared to do things for the family unit, he never did. He did what suited him alone best.

A hobby job that didn't support himself financially let alone his DC. He would have earned more doing a MW role- that's what you do for the family unit, put your ego and hobby aside. He could have done more around the house and with DS to enable you to study and work for the good of the family unit but he wouldn't his hobby (and OW and drink/drugs) came first.

The point is you were never in it together or a day partnership. He used you to enhance his life. Said and did enough at the start to make you think he was a good guy. Once he had his and DC feet under the table the real selfish him showed up.

Don't think it benefits your DS having his selfish waste of space Dad in his daily life in his home is doing him a favour, it's actually just giving him an appalling role model.

Use your next session to tell selfish dickhead that he tried all over your boundaries again with his actions and you're done he blew it and has taken you for a fool the last time.

Why would you fight to stay with this man?

Just looking at your list of criteria for getting back together.... random drugs tests / not seeing the woman he had an affair with (and still lies about despite you knowing the truth) / looking after his own children..

It looks like he's been a pretty useless partner and father. Even now, when he's meant to be throwing everything at getting your relationship back on track he's useless.

That is very telling. Right now, you are separated because of his behaviour, and he needs to show he can make changes in order for you to resume your relationship. So you would expect he would be doing everything in his power to reassure you, to show you that he is a good partner and father. That he can be different. Showing you he loves you, doesn't want to live without you.

And yet how is he acting? As though he isn't really that bothered. The phone thing is a good example.... If I'm away from home (for a day or a week end say) and my phone battery is low, I send a quick message to DH or DC to say so. 'Battery's low.. charging now but won't be with it for a bit'. Yet your DP didn't think to do that. For several hours!! He either wants you to feel insecure or he just doesn't think about how you feel.

He knows the damage his previous week end away did, and yet doesn't think about how you might feel this time, if he goes off-radar for a few hours when he promised not to.

His treatement of you is awful. Either a) he thinks he can treat you like rubbish and you will stick around so he doesn't have to bother or b) he isn't bothered whether or not you stick around or c) he is bothered on some level but something else is more important to him (drugs / another person for example).

You deserve so much better. You are not being controlling or a cow. You have had a reasonable response to being lied to, cheated on and gas lighted. His behaviour caused all this and he's showing you he isn't capable of, or willing to, change.

Spoke.. Apparently he was drunk. I mean flat drunk, a whole box (yes box not bottle) of wine at said event while working away. I told him that's unprofessional. He's never ever in his entire life left his phone for 8 hours as he needs it for work and this is a work event. He's apologises and said he will ensure contact throughout today.
Im unimpressed.
I have a counselling session Wednesday and I'm going to try and get solo sessions ontop as I can afford to pay privately.

...Sorry although my last post was loooong, I forgot I was going to say...

If this is him when he's meant to be convincing you he's changed, when he's meant to be impressing you and showing you things could be good, then imagine how he'll be if you allow him back in to your life full time. He's shown he can't act like a reasonable partner and father when he's meant to be at his very best. If you allow him back now, you can expect his behaviour will be even worse than it is now. In fact worse still, as he'll have seen that he can treat you really badly and you'll still have him back.

Good idea re solo sessions.

You deserve so much better than this. Bearing in mind what happened before, and how you felt about him going away, to get blind drunk is pretty stupid (as well as unprofessional). He's really not making much effort to convince you he's changed is he?

So because he was blind drunk you are going to forgive him???

How is being blind drunk any different to taking drugs?

He was too drunk to work on Saturday by 11.30am.

Why are you desperate to salvage a relationship with this waste of space?

He had 2 important things to do, keep his dick in his pants and phone you. I would think he did neither.

This is him on his best behaviour!!!

How many more red flags do you need?

He doesn't even take his hobby job seriously. He's never going to quit it financially support himself let alone the DC because he can do as he likes and you are planning to take him back.

You have posted about him for years. He's getting worse not better.

I didn't say I'd forgive him. I said it was an expliantion from him which I've stated was pretty irresponsible. I have made a decision that I will be going on our holiday first week of October alone with ds. Ive paid for it and I'm not dealing with this crap as its my only chance to relax until next year.
I'll use time to think.
My cousellor from relate is pretty good actually tbf to her. She said its not a black and white decision, you can choose to be OK now and after counselling actually think.. This isn't for me. Her job is solely to get us to a better place and together or apart is fine provided we are okay/Co parent.

"Pretty irresponsible"

Nope he trod all over the boundaries you had set first chance you set and it could all be a pack of lies anyway couldn't it?

You actually have no boundaries. You tell him what is needed in order to be in a relationship with you, and then he refuses to do it, and you lie down and let him walk all over you, wiping his feet as he goes.

It's like having a house and leaving a sign out saying 'this door is locked' when the door is blatantly open - you think a thief careds about that?

Boundaries do not involve another person behaving in a particular way - it is this that is tripping you up. Boundaries involve you ensuring you behave in such a way that people who abuse and disrespect you are not in your life. Or if they must be (such as a parallel parent - he will never co-parent), then it takes place under strict conditions.

So now you have amply seen he will never be a man who can treat you or your child well, what is your boundary going to be? Will you lock the door?

Treat your emotional boundaries just the same as your physical ones - you wouldn't unliock your door to a burglar just because they promised you the earth, when they had proven that every time you trusted them they robbed you blind. So why do it with this man?

Boundaries are not a bout lecturing and prescribing to another person. They don't involve the other perosn at all. They involve you being prepared to not accept poor behaviour in your life. They involve you walking away. He's amply shown you who he is. Believe him.

Oh did he tell you his ex was 'angry and controlling?'

It's fairly obvious why.

Stop exhausting yourself for this loser and get on with your life.

Jesus get some self-respect women.
Why on god's earth do you keep putting yourself through it with this utter asshole waster idiot?
Because you still think he'll change - HE WON'T.

...woman

Cheers I have plenty of self respect thank you.
This is about if moving forward is possible or not, I think the uniform opinion is 'no' which is sad but ultimately only he can choose ehow he behaves, hence counselling. I can choose how to react, but occasionally outside voices help to see things more clearly.