How to I be clear without being controlling or a total cow?

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Boundaries one.
Dp cheated although still won't admit it, took woman away to a work weekend and lied about it until caught, and drugs. Kicked him out and doing relate counseling to see if way through. Living apart but trying to see if it will work, we have 1 ds who is 3 and he has 3 kids from previous marriage.
Im okay ish but emotional and struggling with single parenting a bit as I work full time and study part time. Dp will help me out if asked b ut generally has had ds 3 hours a week and that's it.
Th e pinch is evrytime I state what I want it unreasonable or not possible. He says he's trying his best which seems to involve wine/chocolate and wanting intimacy but not mcuh else.
How do I set clear boundires without coming across angry or controlling ?
What I want:

1. Honesty and no contact at all with affair woman.
2. Him to change jobs, massive issue in relationship as low earning hobby job and stress allegedly led to drugs etc. Previously been promised but now actively backtracking.
3. Him to step up with kids. Real time with them and consistency.
4. Interest in fmsily time/couple time beyond work and not working during this time eg always on phone.
5. Clear drugs tests and random tests if asked. This is non negotiable and he's been complying plus clean.

He's agreed to evrything but then moves goal posts around, for example says I can't have kids as so busy but then is in the pub for a quick pint etc when I ask he says I'm controlling him. Booked to go on hols for a week with dad with no consultation and I said no as I can't cover childcare as I work and he didn't chevk, I'm controlling as it's only a week and it's unfair etc. He'd go spare if I swaned off for a week with no notice! It sounds a bit petty but it's chipping away at agreed boundires that he knew I had to try again. On a plus side and to be fair, drug tests are clear and his blocked the woman on social media and phone etc but obviously thats easy to unblock when I'm not around. Etc. The couseller implied he gaslights, eg asked for space and he rnag evry single day said he'd kill himself if I didn't speak to him etc and asked me read some things around this. Sorry for the rambling post but feeling conflicted

Thanks everyone, I have looked at trauma bonding and I think there is an element of that here tbh.

He hasn't agreed to everything on your list if he won't admit what happened? Honesty was your first word and he fell at that hurdle - sounds like he still isn't willing to be honest about what happened?

It sounds so exhausting. It shouldn't be this hard.

Also OP you sound fucking awesome. Really awesome. You deserve to be with someone so great who is a team mate and cheerleader for you. Not this excuse for an adult.

Be easier to find someone else who doesn't do what he does than trying to change him.

Cheated and lied and did drugs.
1 kid with you and 3 from previous marriage
Does 3 of the 134 weekly hours of parenting he would be doing if he were parenting equally
Problematic job
Abandons childcare responsibilities to go to pub
Blame-shifts
Abandons childcare responsibilities to go on holiday
Rings every day when asked not to contact
Uses threats of suicide to manipulate

I mean wine, chocolate and sex are all nice, but are they really enough to make up for this?

"controlling" and "total cow" - those are his words right? If every time you try to state an expectation (like "I expect you to get a decent paying job") or set a boundary (like "I don't want you to contact the woman you cheated with while we work on our relationship"), he tells you you're controlling/ a cow, that's textbook gaslighting.
Interesting to say that you are more able to see this for what it is when you're away from it for long periods.... Tells you something, right? Get away from this prick and get in the habit of seeing it more clearly. You sound like you're more than capable of single parenting, that can't possibly be harder than trying to hang onto this relationship.

First, swan off for the night next time he has ds. When he drops them off say was ok for you to do it for a week, so….anyway, I’ve been very clear about what's needed for a relationship and you aren’t interested so let’s make the separation permanent cheers for returning him thanks bye.

If you stay with this loser, that’s the role model for relationships you are giving your son. You deserve better and so so does your DS.

I wouldn't swan off for a week as I'm an adult with responsibilities and I'd worry about ds being safe.
Ltb is easy to say, and tbh I'd say it to a stranger, but hard to do esp with kids. He's never laid a hand on my physically or stolen money etc but I think that's largely as I'm not mad enough to have never had joint finances.

@Pleaseaddcaffine are you expecting a bunch of women to encourage you to not reach your full potential and encourage your son to get life lessons on how to treat women from your current bloke? Maybe watch you slowly become a shell of yourself as you just never have time for yourself?

I mean if after 4 children, this man still sees adulting as wife-work and you are hell bent on proving whatever then by all means crack on but I think I can guarantee that that boat sailed at the first child.

You'll enjoy the chocolates and intimacy though!

I think you'll find I wasn't enjoying anything, I'm trying to be clear and fair. But what I need is import at hence the boundires as its hard to see the wood for the trees at the moment

If you ditch the relationship you’ll be able to stop thinking about what he’s doing/not doing all the time and you’ll feel so much better about your life.

-Focus on you and your Ds.
-Ask your family for help.

And get back to enjoying your life without this cheating, drug taking, Ex.

He doesn't get any brownie points for not beating you up and stealing from you, jesus . If the counselling is joint you need some individual counselling for yourself. Your bar for a relationship is far too low.

You are already managing as a single parent, the guy sounds like a waste of oxygen, keep doing what you're doing and at some point soon you'll be horrified you ever wanted him back, I promise.

Youve only got one kid though and hes only 3. He will adapt very well at that age. Youre already single parenting, as your 'partner' is neither use nor ornament

But you’re already a single parent. At the moment you’re juggling your son, work, studying and a useless partner who has lied, cheated and taken drugs. It won’t be easy to be by yourself but it surely will be easier without a lying, cheating druggie

Thank you. I know your right, leaps of faith. Thanks for the clear messages. So times when emotion is involved you can't see the wood for the trees.

Sling him off. Buy yourself some chocolate, wine and a rabbit toy. Grey rock him- minimal contact. Live your best life. There is literally nothing that you need from this man and he can't be what you want (a decent human being, good partner and good father).

It’s sad that your bar for a man is “he never laid a finger on me”🙄. Wow that’s impressive.

It's not a bar but having seen friends partners and posts on here, there seem to be a lot worse out there. Which is a sad statement on its own.

He sounds like my ex, where do we find these charmers.

I totally understand the fear of being a single parent, I put up with shit for far too long as I didn't think I could cope on my own,

In reality, I was better if financially as housing benefit gave me money towards the rent when they said they would, and didn't try to then borrow it back.

Ince u got my head round the fact he was gone it was actually a relief, as I knew I had to do it all myself and didn't have someone making promises and then letting me down.

I was 3 months pregnant with our 2nd child when I changed the locks, and I cried for a week. 17 years later I have zero regrets, he never changed, he's had numerous girlfriends and he's cheated on every one of them and is a coke and weed addict.

I'm so glad I got myself and my kids away from him.

You can have a better life without him.

Thank you x

Wow, the boundary is, this shit is not for me.
X

You’re already single parenting. When you realise that you’ll feel more confident.

@Mumoftwoinprimary

You are hardly asking for moonlight and roses are you?

All your rules are:-

Don’t cheat on you
Don’t take drugs
Get a proper job
Do some parenting

These are such basic things that I wouldn’t describe them as rules - just basic requirements of an adult.

This. Im a single parent. Left him with a 4yo and a 14 month old. Life was tough but it got easier gradually from that point on. Nnothing ever got easier with him.

Also he is draining your headspace and attention away from your son and bettering yourself. Seriously cut him loose. I had to end a relationship with someone I adored but was not husband or father material I appreciate its hard but you really really have to do it.