The real issue here is not just that he's let you down, which all partners do from time to time (but given the scale of his past breaches of trust, he should be putting a LOT of effort into avoiding) but that he doesn't take full responsibility when he lets you down. Full responsibility has three parts.
- Acknowledging and apologising for the failure. "I did say I would call at lunchtime and I didn't do that. I'm sorry." Ideally this would be proactive (saying that right away when he rings, rather than waiting for you to bring it up) but sometimes we don't realise when we've really let someone down. In that case, you apologise as soon as the other person brings it up.
- Offering a clear explanation for the failure that shows how you tried to avoid or mitigate it. "My battery ran out and we were on a team-building exercise for the next eight hours away from where my phone was charging."
- Responding to the questions and feelings of the person you have let down without making them wrong. "No, unfortunately I didn't have a chance to duck back, we were away from the cars the whole time." "Yes, you're right, I could have borrowed someone else's phone to let you know. I didn't think of that, sorry." "I know it stresses you out when I don't answer my phone and given our history, that's fair. I will try really hard not to let it happen again."
But instead of apologising in a way that clearly accepts responsibility, your husband seems to have given vague answers that don't offer reassurance that calling you when he said he would was of genuine importance to him, and when you say you're let down and angry, he acts as though that doesn't really bother him. In other words, his actions show your feelings are not important to him, even if he tells you they are.
Paranoia is a fear that someone you should be able to trust is not trustworthy. Your husband repeatedly proves through his actions that he's not trustworthy, but then tells you you're the one with the problem. That's manipulation, and it makes you feel crazy, like you can't believe what's right in front of your eyes, like you can't be sure about what is right and fear.
I used to be with someone like this. It was a real wake-up call for me when I read (in an article about emotional abuse) "If you find yourself repeatedly explaining to someone how to treat you with basic human decency, it's a clear sign you are with someone who is not willing or capable of meeting your needs."
It actually doesn't really matter whether he's not willing to meet your needs or not capable of meeting your needs, because the result is the same for you. You've tried doing the thing that works with other people – telling him how you feel and asking for something different – yet this doesn't work with him. THAT'S NOT NORMAL, no matter whether he insists it is.
My guess is you were probably raised in a family or had a previous relationship where you weren't treated with much respect, so to some degree it feels familiar to you to have people who say they love you let you down repeatedly, don't really seem to care and make out that you're silly to expect better treatment.
But you're not silly. Deep down, you know this is shit. You also understand that you actually cannot MAKE someone willing or capable of treating you well, even if you ask nicely, and then ask not-so-nicely and finally lose your shit and cry, like if you dial up the intensity of your reaction, they'll realise that, oh, this is actually important to you, suddenly start to care about what's important to you, and change their ways.
But the reality is that if someone doesn't genuinely care about your feelings in the first place, repeating your feelings over and over to them again in different ways isn't going to change a thing.
That's why you feel uncomfortably controlling. You're hoping to 'control' your husband by finding some magical set of words that will make him give your feelings some priority, but you repeatedly learn that nothing you say makes a difference.
And why would it?! Every time he does something that hurts your feelings and you tell him he hurt your feelings, all he needs to do is tell you that your feelings are unreasonable and you accept it! You don't accept it happily – you continue to feel upset, but nothing happens for him expect you continue to have feelings that don't bother him in the first place. Ignoring your feelings does not result in any real-life loss for him, like no longer having reliable access to sex, company when he wants it, free childcare whenever he can't be bothered parenting etc.
So, to answer your initial question, a real boundary with consequences looks like this. "DH, being able to trust you to be good for your word AND respect my feelings is an absolute baseline for me to be continue an intimate relationship with you. In a relationship where there haven't been big breaches of trust, maybe small breaches are easily forgiven. But that's not the case for us. So it doesn't matter how small a thing is, if you say you're going to do something I expect you to make every effort to do it when you say you will, and if you genuinely can't do it, I expect you to apologise, offer a solid explanation not a vague one, AND respect my feelings if I feel let down and not tell me I'm wrong for feeling that way.
If that seems unfair or like too much work for you, that's okay. I'm not going to try to convince you to continue a relationship that feels like hard work for you. But if you do want a relationship with me, that's my baseline expectation. If you let me down again, don't take full responsibility and don't respect my feelings, I'll be walking away. Obviously we will still be co-parents so I'll expect you to do whatever share of co-parenting that we agree to in the divorce settlement, but we won't be partners in any way. It's entirely up to you."