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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The phone..

175 replies

trickmetwice · 08/09/2021 14:00

I got some great advice yesterday then admin removed the thread! I actually didn't screen shot the information I needed so I'd like anyone with good tech skills to message me. I found a phone, I won't go into details in case the same person comes back to bash me again. I need to see what's on the phone. Last active Monday am and been in use since Feb 2021 (friend has found out that part) I'm pretty certain and have that guy sinking feeling but I need evidence for my own mental state! Don't bash me, all I want is tips/tricks to get into this phone. It's locked and I don't know the password. Was on airplane mode but isn't now, no notifications have come through. H is panicking about it for sure.. not that I care! He's done stuff before so has a history of being a very cleaver cheating B

OP posts:

SnatchCassidy · 11/09/2021 13:44

For the third time of asking, what is his behaviour around you like since he can't find the phone? Surely that will tell you all you need to walk away?

HalzTangz · 11/09/2021 13:45

@Booboo24

I second that, get it unlocked by one of these stores. Failing that all I can suggest is just telling him to open it then and there and give you free access to it to go through

That won't work, when stores unlock it erases everything on the phone

RandomMess · 11/09/2021 13:51

I hope you find the strength to get your ducks in a row and have good friends to support you.

I would be quite tempted to wrap the phone up as his Christmas Present along with divorce papers.

Sorting out what you want to do to end it and when will help you find the strength to do it. I can understand why you want proof. No doubt he will already have a new 2nd phone and he may well just hide it better.

If you have access to all finances I guess look for something of that sort of cost.

HalzTangz · 11/09/2021 13:52

@SuperstoreFan

To be fair if my company phone vanished I'd be panicking too.

OP if this is a company phone don't bother trying to unlock it, my company phone (iPhone) has built in settings so that the company's IT department know when someone is trying to access it, unlock it etc etc. My company can also reset and block it there end which will remove anything off it. Your husband would have to be some sort of stupid if he's up to no good using a company phone where everything on the phone can be tracked

SnatchCassidy · 11/09/2021 13:54

So what's the plan if it takes months or years to get the 'proof' you want? Just play along for years pretending you don't know what he's up to until he slips up, wasting the best years of your life locked into a futile game nobody is going to win? I think there's a real danger here that obsession with finding proof will only enforce you being made to look mad as a box of frogs. Walking away with your dignity intact is probably wiser considering how long it might take to find the proof you're looking for. You clearly don't want to be with eachother. If he were to ask for a divorce out of the blue would you accept or refuse for months/years until you get your 'proof'? Honestly this is futile. Just call his bluff. Tell him you found the phone and you know everything, then see how he reacts.

HalzTangz · 11/09/2021 13:58

@nimbuscloud

She doesn’t know the phone number How can she ring it

Which makes me think it's not a company phone like the OP states. Surely the company would know all the phone numbers of their company phones

AcrossthePond55 · 11/09/2021 14:22

It's pretty well established that there is no way you're going to get into that phone unless you confront him with it. And chances are he's remotely wiped it anyway. That's one of the first things Apple tells you to do if you've truly lost your iPhone. Wipe it, then restore it from iTunes if you locate it. That phone is a dead end. But if it's physical evidence you want, have you considered hiring a reputable PI? Chances are they won't be able to get into that phone but they can dig and uncover things in ways we can't.

This isn't mean in a 'snippy' way, but what are you going to do now? Do you really see yourself sitting in some sort of 'stasis' repeatedly poking in random numbers or staring at this phone. I understand wanting 'physical' evidence. But you have a plethora of emotional and 'past history' knowledge. That would be enough for me. I wouldn't want to live the rest of my life in insecurity, anger, and sorrow. I'd rather break free and, hard as it is, rebuild my life into something of, possibly still sorrow, but at least also of peace and security.

Of course, the final decision is absolutely yours. Women have chosen to leave or stay before you, and women will make that decision after you. Whatever you decide, decide also that you will keep your 'self' intact and whole.

Jonjojobs123 · 11/09/2021 15:27

Agree OP

SnatchCassidy · 11/09/2021 15:31

@Jonjojobs123

Agree OP

Agree what? That it's healthy to wait months or years to find any scrap of proof he's cheating, rather than just leave with dignity intact?

Whateverisaid21 · 11/09/2021 16:37

@SnatchCassidy you seem overly invested in this posting one after the other. I don’t think you’ll get all the answers from the OP you are demanding and she’s processing all this.

Whateverisaid21 · 11/09/2021 16:40

OP I hope you’re as well as can be. Appreciate you what to follow a process and get more proof. There are some threads on here that have given great advice when you’re preparing to leave a partner. Getting paperwork, passports and finances in order for instance. Might be worth looking at and keeping yourself busy whilst you’re going through the steps with the phone.

Just a thought that if this is an affair phone he has likely contacted the other woman to mention the phone could be with you.

spotcheck · 11/09/2021 17:00

Nothing techy to add. My ex had a secret phone, and talked me into believing that he 'just liked the phone'

I still can't believe I fell for it

SnatchCassidy · 11/09/2021 17:11

[quote Whateverisaid21]@SnatchCassidy you seem overly invested in this posting one after the other. I don’t think you’ll get all the answers from the OP you are demanding and she’s processing all this.[/quote]
Oh joy, I love all the "overly invested' accusations that fly around here lol

I couldn't give a monkeys dear, just highlighting the inconsistencies here.

MsDogLady · 11/09/2021 17:11

I’ve been made to look as mad as a box of frogs in the past.

How dare he. His mistress actually called you to report his infidelity when his job away finished and he tossed her/stopped supporting her.

He has already proven to be scum of the highest order. Even if the phone retrieval is a dead-end, you can end things because of the shit sandwiches he has already served you and the children….and because you refuse to settle for a diminished life full of anxiety.

StarbucksQueen · 11/09/2021 17:19

OP..I have been in your position, and totally get why you need proof.
My ex had an iPhone, and I couldn't get in it either. It drove me nuts. All I had was one random email that was saved in a folder on the computer, but not enough to confirm if the affair was still going on. It was written before we met, but worded as though there should have been more emails/texts to follow... he knew I knew, told me it was all before we met, but I still needed proof either way. I stayed, tried all ways to get into his iPhone - it was all consuming. I probably wasted 6mths trying to prove what I already new. During the 6mths I stayed I saved hard, got myself into the best position I could, (no financial ties/kids) and then left.
I hope you get the proof you need, but like a previous poster said, use this in-between time to plan for a future if you are proved right.

Whateverisaid21 · 11/09/2021 17:20

@SnatchCassidy but your posts aren’t highlighting inconsistencies at all. Just questions and posting in quick succession doesn’t appear to be behaviour of someone who ‘couldn’t give a monkeys’

youwouldthink · 11/09/2021 17:35

Does he use an iPhone personally? If so he may be on the same Apple ID rather than create a new one. If this is the case you could sync through that the secret device to an iPad so that messages and calls come in through both...If you had any details of his Apple ID you can do this online

SnatchCassidy · 11/09/2021 17:45

[quote Whateverisaid21]@SnatchCassidy but your posts aren’t highlighting inconsistencies at all. Just questions and posting in quick succession doesn’t appear to be behaviour of someone who ‘couldn’t give a monkeys’[/quote]
Whateverisaid21

You do seem rather over invested in this thread

AgentJohnson · 11/09/2021 18:07

"But I won't give up or give in until I do"

Thats one way to justify, albeit only to yourself, why you insist on staying with him.

This

You appear to think that you’re somehow not responsible for how you react to having a lying, cheating partner. News flash, you are. You can leave now, you do not need proof. Proof is a justification for staying, not a reason to prevent you from leaving.

I’m sorry your mh has been impacted by your partner’s poor behaviour but feeding your anxiety with a quest for truth won’t help.

Jonjojobs123 · 11/09/2021 18:16

@SnatchCassidy
I agree with the OP, it is possible to gain as much evidence, take time to work out your emotions and figure out how you want to proceed without being accused of lacking dignity or being a door mat. She know that the likelihood is he's cheating and It is very easy to say what she should be doing when you are void of the emotions involved. How many people say 'if i ever caught my other half cheating they'd be out the door no questions asked' then when they were faced with the actual event it wasn't a case of no questions asked at all, some have a lot of questions that they need the answers too before they are able to make a decision about where there life will take them. The repercussions to ending a long term relationship run far and wide and she has to deal with ending it in a way that suits her and her family not what suits you or any other poster on here. She is able to do what she needs to do and retain her dignity.

SnatchCassidy · 11/09/2021 18:31

@AgentJohnson

"But I won't give up or give in until I do"

Thats one way to justify, albeit only to yourself, why you insist on staying with him.

This

I’m sorry your mh has been impacted by your partner’s poor behaviour but feeding your anxiety with a quest for truth won’t help.

Nail on head.

HowdyDudey · 11/09/2021 21:06

What phone is it? There’s a way of getting into older iPhones I’m almost sure. Something to do with changing the time/clock in settings

Loveabitofrain · 12/09/2021 16:27

Just came back to see how you are doing op. There’s one or 2 you can ignore on here. As the saying goes it costs nothing to be kind!

Agree with getting ducks in a row in preparation to leave. Also know that you need to do that when YOU are ready,

Getting that proof will help with closure, not knowing can send your own mind crazy. I get that too!!

Loveabitofrain · 12/09/2021 16:27

SnatchCassidy · 12/09/2021 16:30

That's your answer to the OP?? How insightful and uninvested lol 🤣

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