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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh god, I hate to say/think it, but I reckon DH is at it again...

175 replies

Sorryhavenamechanged · 03/12/2007 16:27

...and I don't know what to do

DH had an affair a few years ago and I knew for a while before I confronted him, but didn't say anything until I had proper evidence.

Now I think he is doing it again. He works away a lot, which I am fine with, it's what he has to do. This week he is off abroad and that was fine, until I called him this afternoon as he had forgotten his booking in details for his car at the airport. It was only when I was speaking to him I realised the flight home was on Weds, instead of Friday like he said (and he is also meeting friends in London on Friday night so will be home on Saturday) I did comment on the fact that it said Weds not Friday but he said it was an old booking and he would be abroad until Friday. The booking was made at 1.30 this afternoon, just an hour before I ahd called him.

I texted him earlier to ask if should be worried about what he will be doing after Weds and he has replied basically saying 'he was refraining from speaking his mind for once'and also 'that he hopes we will have a loving talk about it later' Kinda criptic, but I guess he is saying that he is annoyed that I have even dared to suggest it. Now he does this turning the unreasonable behaviour onto me when he is doing something he shouldn't be...I know him very well.

Now I just feel sick and I don't know waht to do. I forgave him last time (though I can't forget) I don't think I can again

Now I am aware

OP posts:
ladylush · 05/12/2007 12:31

Sounds like you have a mega busy schedule coming up so hope when everything has calmed down a bit, that you manage to talk this through with your dh. You are right - it's his problem. He needs to stop hiding things from you eg password for phone.

susiecutiemincepies · 05/12/2007 21:48

I will really keep my fingers crossed for you, lovely. I hope you can have a really good chat with him about it. He needs to hear how you are feeling, and to understand it too.

good luck with it all, and with the coming weeks. Will also be thinking of you tomorrow. I hope you find a way to make the day bearable. xx

bluejelly · 05/12/2007 22:42

Just wanted to add a best of luck from me. I really hope he is not cheating, but either way you will survive I promise! I felt unbelievably awful when I found out my ex had cheated on me when our baby was so small... but really I think it turned out for the best, we weren't suited and had I stayed with him I would have been a much more unhappy person.

And single life really is not that bad, I have had two boyfriends since and lots of fun.

But of course, fingers crossed you don't have to face that yet, and that you get some satisfactory answers over the next few days.

trulymadlydeeply · 06/12/2007 08:45

Thinking of you today, Shnc. Hope you're OK.

xx

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 06/12/2007 08:57

Am thinking of you and your ds today. Be kind to yourself xx

HappyWoman · 06/12/2007 09:07

hope today is not too painful for you and i am thinking of you lots - I hope you manage to get some time to yourself too.

Take care

Original poster
Sorryhavenamechanged · 06/12/2007 10:15

Thank you everyone, it's lovely to know that even 15 years on, my little boy is still in peoples thoughts. Not many people do remember him now, who should iyswim.

I have shed a tear (or 2 or 3) this morning, but I am ok. I always feel sad on his birthday and always will.

I have a quiet morning as DS3 is at nursery, so I am taking some time to be peaceful.

I still am not sure about DH, but time will tell if he is doing anything untoward. He did ask me if I was ok last night, so at least he can show some concern.

Right, I am off to buy some flowers for my boy. I can't get to where he is buried as it is quite a way away, so I will have some here for him.

OP posts:
mintydixcharrington · 06/12/2007 11:44

Thinking of you and your little boy SHNC. Look after yourself

coppertop · 06/12/2007 14:27

Thinking of you here too, SHNC. xx

jezzemx · 06/12/2007 15:25

Thinking of you today x

NorthernLurkerwithastarontop · 06/12/2007 17:37

Glad you have had a peaceful day, flowers sound nice. Do you ever light a candle and put it in the window? December is such a dark month and it's lovely to see lights and candles in other peoples houses - for your family it could be a light for your boy? Just a thought - I like candles.

ladylush · 06/12/2007 19:32

Thinking of your ds - hope you are ok xx

Original poster
Sorryhavenamechanged · 06/12/2007 20:03

Northern, yes I have one lit now. I bought various beautiful yellow flowers for him. I don't know why, but I allways buy him yellow flowers.

DH called earlier, and BF remembered and text to ask after me. She came to his funeral, so he won't be forgotten by her.

I have deliberately tried not to think about where DH is today.

OP posts:
NorthernLurkerwithastarontop · 06/12/2007 20:10

I love yellow flowers - it's a colour which sort of reaches out to you with it's warmth - so I think that they are a lovely colour for a mum to buy for her son.

I think you are wise not to think too much about dh, pleased he rang you, and your friend as well.

I do hope next week is better and easier for you than this has been

ladylush · 07/12/2007 09:02

How are you today SHNC?

Original poster
Sorryhavenamechanged · 07/12/2007 10:39

I'm ok, LL, thank you for asking. A bit flat, but am going to take DS3 Christmas shopping in a bit, so a bit of retail therapy will help, I'm sure!

DH keeps asking if I am ok (via text and phonecalls) so I take a bit of comfort that he does at least care a bit about me.

I still don't know if he has been truthful this week and perhaps I never will...well I would if he hasn't been eventually iyswim.

He has a lot of holiday time coming up starting on our boys birthday next week, so if he is up to something, he won't be able to for a couple of weeks!!

One question though, and I don't know if anyone will be able to answer. He has called from Belgium, but his number comes up on our caller display. Now when he is in other countries in Europe, his number doesn't come up. Would it vary from country to country do you think? It's bothering me a bit, but I don't know if it would come up, so can't justify getting annoyed about it....yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sorryhavenamechanged · 07/12/2007 10:43

Northern, I think that's it re the flowers. Yellow is a warm, sunny colour and it brightens everything up.

Next week is going to manic, with various school/nursery plays, a dog in residence and aparty to sort, but tbh, it'll probably be better than having nothing to do. I'm quite excited about the boys birthdays, I love their little faces and they have playmobil, so can't wait to play

OP posts:
chocchipchristmascake · 07/12/2007 10:49

About caller display from Belgium, the telephone company would know. I would call them and pose as a new customer asking about service from Europe. The ring tone is different, you know that, could you call him?

Dropdeadfred · 07/12/2007 10:51

Hope you're okay today...
Have you called his phone? you did say you could tell if it rang differently abroad?

Baffy · 07/12/2007 10:54

Not sure about the Belgium question - hopefully someone much wiser will be along soon to help.

Glad you're doing ok. Been thinking about you a lot.

mintydixcharrington · 07/12/2007 10:58

You can get caller ID when people call from abroad, it just depends on the relationship between the networks. I would say that you WON'T get caller ID if he is calling from a Belgian landline (because they use a v esoteric standard for caller ID in belgium - I used to work in the area of telecoms software!) but if he is on his mobile it is possible.

THe only way you can tell if he is abroad or not is to call him and listen to the ring tone - if it is a UK ring, he is here, if it is a Belgian ring (long, continuous ring - then pause - long, continuous ring again), he is in Belgium (or somewhere else abroad). If he has his phone off so it diverts straight to voicemail, so you don't hear the ring tone, then next time he calls say something like "Aurgh! Hang on I have to call you back in one second, Alfred has got a hot cup of tea" and put the phone down on him. THen a few seconds later call him, and you should get a ring tone which will tell you one way or another.

tribpot · 07/12/2007 11:02

Agree - it's possible you'd get his mobile number coming up if he's abroad but quite unlikely.

Baffy · 07/12/2007 11:05

good advice minty

themoon66 · 07/12/2007 11:14

If you call him, then it will show on bill as a call overseas?

mintydixcharrington · 07/12/2007 11:16

no it won't the moon. it will be charged to her as a UK call (to a UK mobile) but it will be charged to HIM as receiving a call while abroad. She'd get all the evidence she needs if she could look at his bill but I'm willing to bet he wouldn't show it to her