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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh god, I hate to say/think it, but I reckon DH is at it again...

175 replies

Sorryhavenamechanged · 03/12/2007 16:27

...and I don't know what to do

DH had an affair a few years ago and I knew for a while before I confronted him, but didn't say anything until I had proper evidence.

Now I think he is doing it again. He works away a lot, which I am fine with, it's what he has to do. This week he is off abroad and that was fine, until I called him this afternoon as he had forgotten his booking in details for his car at the airport. It was only when I was speaking to him I realised the flight home was on Weds, instead of Friday like he said (and he is also meeting friends in London on Friday night so will be home on Saturday) I did comment on the fact that it said Weds not Friday but he said it was an old booking and he would be abroad until Friday. The booking was made at 1.30 this afternoon, just an hour before I ahd called him.

I texted him earlier to ask if should be worried about what he will be doing after Weds and he has replied basically saying 'he was refraining from speaking his mind for once'and also 'that he hopes we will have a loving talk about it later' Kinda criptic, but I guess he is saying that he is annoyed that I have even dared to suggest it. Now he does this turning the unreasonable behaviour onto me when he is doing something he shouldn't be...I know him very well.

Now I just feel sick and I don't know waht to do. I forgave him last time (though I can't forget) I don't think I can again

Now I am aware

OP posts:
Original poster
Sorryhavenamechanged · 03/12/2007 17:34

It's just all getting too much. I have 2 children who are up coughing all night atm, I'm not feeling too wonderful myslef today and Thursday is our stillborn baby's birthday. I'd like to think that DH wouldn't be that callous, but I just don't know

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Piggy · 03/12/2007 17:36

I suspect you know the answer to your fears and that's why you haven't phoned.

I so hope you are wrong but sending you every positive vibe and lots of strength to get you through it.

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 03/12/2007 17:44

Oh love, I am so sorry you have been made to feel this way. It just isn't fair.

I will be thinking of you and your baby on Thursday xx

Original poster
Sorryhavenamechanged · 03/12/2007 17:47

You are right, Piggy. I think I am just too scared to call because it will mean my life will be turned upside down....again. I'm thinking of the children too, if I do find out what I don't want to find out, then I will be a total mess and won't be able to cope with them. My family don't live nearby and tbh honest wouldn't be much help anyway and so I HAVE to keep it togther for the children.

I will wait for him to call later, let him explain himself and then tell him what I think. I will also tell him that HE has to prove to me that he is innocent.

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Original poster
Sorryhavenamechanged · 03/12/2007 17:48

Thank you Iliketomoveit x

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NorthernLurkerwithastarontop · 03/12/2007 17:49

Going against the trend here - but do you really want to know? If you find out he is cheating again - perhaps the only place to go then is to split up. Is that what you want, can you bear that possibility more than your current state of uncertainty? If the doubt and mistrust is worse than ending your marriage would be then by all means catch him out - but if you want to keep your marriage - in whatever state it's in - I think you need to sit tight. Horrible position for you - I do hope it turns out well and I'm so sorry about your baby - this is a hard week for you.

Original poster
Sorryhavenamechanged · 03/12/2007 17:55

I know Northern, that is exactly it. If I do find out, then it will end...definately and I am scared of that. But I don't want him to stay with me out of duty (another thing I have always told him)

Oh I don't bloody know, my head is a mess now. He'd better have a bloody good explanation later! And I won't let him twist it round to make me feel like I am being paranoid. I may well be being paranoid, but with good reason.

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Original poster
Sorryhavenamechanged · 03/12/2007 18:01

Right I need to sort the children out now (they just know when you are stressed don't they)

I will come back in a bit - hopefully to say I was being really stupid and of course Dh is not having an affair -

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FioFio · 03/12/2007 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mintydixcharrington · 03/12/2007 19:30

best of luck, I hope you get the reassurance you need when yuo speak to him later.
and I'm so sorry about your baby. will think of you both on thursday. x

Santasmissyontheside · 03/12/2007 19:35

gosh i would be two minds too. not sure whether i would want to know but then if he is i wouldn't want him to abuse our relationship like that. but you said its happened before whats to stop him doing it again? i'm also sorry for your baby and will be thinking of you thurs. sorry i cant offer much advice to you

CountessDracula · 03/12/2007 19:37

Is it not possible that he is telling the truth

Bookings do get made and changed.

In your position I would absoutely check up though

shreddies · 03/12/2007 19:54

Oh you poor poor thing. If I were you I would check up but I am crap at handling uncertainty. You deserve so much more than this.

ladylush · 03/12/2007 20:55

So very sorry to hear about your stillborn baby Also will be thinking of you on thursday. Also hoping your dh is innocent. A horrible time of year to deal with any sadness - let alone a double helping

Original poster
Sorryhavenamechanged · 03/12/2007 20:56

Well, I haven't spoken to him yet, but I did text him saying that the piece of paper I had in front of me clearly stated he was returning to the UK on Weds. I said that under the circumstances I didn't feel it was fair of him to be angry at me for suggesting what I was as I felt he would feel exactly the same way if I had done to him what he had done in the past to me and that surely he could understand that!! I said I hoped I was just being paranoid, but that my feelings were totally understandable. He replied saying that the bookings were ade last week and at that point he was coming back on Weds, the lady in travel had booked him wrongly to come back on Weds and rebooked for him to come back on Friday.

Now, I am no fool, I know this is not evidence and I haven't just taken his word for this. But I am hoping (of course) that I have made the wrong assumptions, but we shall see.

I am wary of calling the car co to check, they could mention it to them...maybe. I will call him on Thursday and I will be able to tell by the ring tone whether he is in the UK or not.

Whether he is or isn't, this has bought to light that DH and I need to really sort this out. I don't trust him that much and I doubt I ever will, but he did deceive me in one of the worst ways possible, for 6 months (as far as I know) and while I was pregnant and he seems to think I have to make the effort to 'get over it', whereas I feel he needs to prove to me that he wants to be here and just being here aint enough afaic

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Original poster
Sorryhavenamechanged · 03/12/2007 20:58

My baby would have been 15 on Thursday, it was a long time ago, but I still miss him so much

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pooka · 03/12/2007 21:03

I so hope that you're suspicions are not confirmed. Of course it is entirely understandable for you to be so dubious, given the history.
Of course you miss your boy.

ladylush · 03/12/2007 21:14

My heart goes out to you, have found m/c's heartbreaking but it doesn't compare.

bluejelly · 03/12/2007 21:19

well done for raising it with dh. I think better to get these things on the table than trying to pretend that they are not happening. Hope you can rest a bit easier tonight. Either way, you will cope, I promise you ( and I have been in similar circumstances, found out my bf was cheating on me when our baby was six weeks old)....

Original poster
Sorryhavenamechanged · 03/12/2007 21:38

Unfortunately for DH I have become much more vocal about my feelings in the past 3 years. I used to go out of my way to make him happy (and actuall still do when I feel like it) but he has bought the angry side of me out. I don't just sit back and take it now, I will say something if I feel I am justified. I think this has come as a bit of a shock to him tbh.

It's madness really, we do get on very well. Despite everything we do have a good relationship, but I do feel as if I have had bits chipped away by him over the years. My trust in him has chipped away, and sadly I suppose I don't love him like I did before I do love him very much, but it's not the same. And I am very sad about that.

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bluejelly · 03/12/2007 21:41

I so know what you mean. I forgave my ex, but his infidelity had chipped away at my faith in him. We stayed together another 4 years but to be honest it was never 100% right.

Sorry you feel so sad. Did you ever have any counselling about the affair?

Original poster
Sorryhavenamechanged · 03/12/2007 21:47

I tried to, but it didn't really help. I think he could start with making it clear he wants to spend time with me. When he comes back from being away, he is so delighted to see the children, that I kind of fade into the background. I think he'd like me to be one of the 50's housewives and greet him accordingly He doesn't greet me like that when I come home, ok it is generally just when I have been out for a few hours, but still.

I am always thinking of him and the children. Everything I do is for them in one way or another. I'd love some appreciation sometimes!

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ladylush · 03/12/2007 22:04

Maybe you should go away for the weekend for a bit of you time, then he might learn not to take you for granted!

WhenScoobyGotStuckUpTheChimney · 03/12/2007 22:08

I thought you had said further down the thread that the booking had been made this afternoon as you could see on the paper?

Off to have a look i may be wrong.

I hope he is not lieing, what an awful place for you to be in, i hope & pray this all comes good.

WhenScoobyGotStuckUpTheChimney · 03/12/2007 22:09

I thought you had said further down the thread that the booking had been made this afternoon as you could see on the paper?

Off to have a look i may be wrong.

I hope he is not lieing, what an awful place for you to be in, i hope & pray this all comes good.