Oh god, I hate to say/think it, but I reckon DH is at it again...

[Sorryhavenamechanged]

...and I don't know what to do

DH had an affair a few years ago and I knew for a while before I confronted him, but didn't say anything until I had proper evidence.

Now I think he is doing it again. He works away a lot, which I am fine with, it's what he has to do. This week he is off abroad and that was fine, until I called him this afternoon as he had forgotten his booking in details for his car at the airport. It was only when I was speaking to him I realised the flight home was on Weds, instead of Friday like he said (and he is also meeting friends in London on Friday night so will be home on Saturday) I did comment on the fact that it said Weds not Friday but he said it was an old booking and he would be abroad until Friday. The booking was made at 1.30 this afternoon, just an hour before I ahd called him.

I texted him earlier to ask if should be worried about what he will be doing after Weds and he has replied basically saying 'he was refraining from speaking his mind for once'and also 'that he hopes we will have a loving talk about it later' Kinda criptic, but I guess he is saying that he is annoyed that I have even dared to suggest it. Now he does this turning the unreasonable behaviour onto me when he is doing something he shouldn't be...I know him very well.

Now I just feel sick and I don't know waht to do. I forgave him last time (though I can't forget) I don't think I can again

Now I am aware

Is couples counselling an option?

Oh you poor thing
I too am trying to get over his affair. I am not sure the trust will ever come back 100% (but that is in any relatinship). We both work at it and yes there are times when i come to the wrong conclusion but he has always been very supportive and never called me silly - in fact the opposite.

He knows i have to live with what he has done to us all and part of that is he always has to be 100% open and honest. When he goes away he gives me all the numbers i need and i can always check with his work too (his secretary knows what went on so is very good at emailing me info).

You are not being silly and are not a fool for believing him or wanting to believe him. You have been very badly hurt and this is a horrid time of year for you too. He should absolutly know this and want to help you in what ever way he can.

He needs to show you that he is back for you and i feel he should be showing you more affection on his return.

I would not be happy with him going out on friday night either if he has been away for a while too. (but we are only one year on and so things are still abit raw).

I think you should find out - but i guess you are more scared of being right at the moment.

There are still issues that you need to sort out as you still have some anger. my h has been brilliant recently and i am now finding my anger getting less. I still need to go over it with him which he finds painful but he sees how much it helps me in the long run.

Good luck and do let us know how you get on.
Take care of yourself you are doing so well.

Well last night I went to bed thinking, right I have probably got it wrong, the booking for Wednesday was a mistake. But this morning I have that awful feeling (those of you who have been through this before will know the feeling I mean)

He didn't call last night

Scooby, he says the travel dept at work thought he was back on Weds and booked accordingly yesterday, but tbh I don't think it works like that. I think he would have called travel yesterday morning to get them to book...but I could be wrong.

NQC, I do think couples counselling would be a good idea, but he is never here, so I don't see how we could do it. He needs to see what an effect this has had on me and my trust for him.

HW, I am sorry you have gone through this, but happy that your partner is doing his all to reassure you. He did at first with me, used to leave the hotel no etc (though he didn't travel anywhere near as much then) As far as the Friday night is concerned, I really wasn't worried about it until I saw the paper about him coming back to the UK on Weds. I do try to trust him, but unfortunately this kind of thing makes me doubt him. My anger is more of the 'sod him, he can do what he likes and bugger off' kind of anger, but then when it comes down to it, I just feel sad and actually pretty worthless.

I feel he put a little too much thought into his original message to me as this is another thing he used to do. He'd leave a bit of time before replying to me...I guess to work out his story.

Oh I am crying again now...I don't want to feel that pain again I must stop and find something for DS3 and I to do today.

He didn't call I think even if he is innocent he needs to do more to reassure you and the least he can do is phone you.

I am not around much today but will be thinking of you - i know that pain and panic all too well.

You know you are worth so much it is just the everyday life that stops you from seeing it all.

You know you can cope without him and maybe you have not forgiven him as much as you thought you had if this is still effecting you (which is understanderable). He really does need to give you everything you need right now not the other way around.

Please dont let him talk you around anymore you KNOW what you need and it doesnt matter if he can not understand that.

Try and find out the truth and not give him anymore time to 'come-up' with his version of the truth. I bet he is panicing as he knows you may be onto something.

I really hope you are not right but if you are you will cope and be stronger and he will have lost you forever and he will have to live with that.

You are a good person and he knows that too, you were able to forgive and try and move on and if he has done it again then he really is the fool not you.

Take care and i hope you find some peace today but i dout you will, thinking of you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know those feelings only too well.

Could you call the car hire company today like other's have suggested. I know part of you doesn't want to know. But you're torturing yourself with this (understandably) and waiting 24 hours until you can call his phone to check is going to be hell.

At least if you find out a bit more today you have a bit longer to get your head around what you want to do.

I can't believe he didn't call you last night He knows what you're going through and couldn't even make one lousy phonecall to reassure you

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

He didn't call because either he feels I am be unreasonable for accusing him of doing something he isn't or because he knows he will be and doesn't want to have to try to figure out his story.

I will know by calling his mobile on Thursday. His main trick last time was to not answer his phone and call me back obviously when he was out of her earshot. So if it is an UK ringtone or he doesn't answer then I will know.

I don't know why he had the affair before. As I pointed out to him (and her in fact) it would be all very complicated even if he did leave me for her. His family wouldn't want to know a girl who had split up there grandchildrens family (whilst I was pregnant) and so he wouldn't be able have a normal relationship with her. I and would never take the blame for our break up...it would be all down to him. The girl before even tried to say it was my fault it all happened (she was young bless her)

He is an idiot, but he does adore the children. But I have to ask myself whether he really does care that much. I would never do that to him and I would never do that to my children!! I don't think he has really ever grown up and actually thought about what he does.

As I said before, we do get on well most of the time. Mainly because he still has the ability to make me laugh. But sometimes I think he feels that is making the effort in our relationship. I sometimes feel like he treats me like his sister (though he is waaay more respectful towards his sister) I dunno, maybe he just realy doesn't like me. Maybe he is only with me out of duty towrads the children and his family. Because he thinks thats what he should do. Maybe I should start opening my eyes and tell myself that.

How iwll you feel if he turns his phone off on thursday and says the battery died (or something)

I don't think it's a good idea to guess how he feels. I don't think it's a good idea to think 'he did X, I would never do X unless I felt Y, hence he feels Y'. He's not the same as you. He's someone else.

I do think counselling sounds like a good idea. You can go see a Relate counsellor on your own. You can go see a regular counselor on your own. Either will help you disentangle your feelings, and help you work out what you want to do.

Thing is, even if it turns out he's not up to anything ... you've got to deal with how you're feeling now, and the situation you're both in.

To a certain extent, whether or not he's fucking anyone else is irrelevant.

I will know he is lying, he's used that one before too.

Tbh, I need to get through the next month or so, all of our children have birthdays in the next month, plus christmas. Even if I don't get solid evidence that he is up to something at the moment, he will slip up eventually. This is what I have always told myself. I try not to stress about what he is doing as I know eventually I will know. At the moment, while I am stressing about it, I also am thinking, if he wants the complicated life then let him. I will just be there for the children, doing what I always do. I know if he is cheating, then it won't be easy for him as far as the other woman is concerned. He has a lot of holiday time coming up and I won't be accepting excuses to go here there and everywhere.

I hope I am wrong and he remembers hpw devastated I was last time and how much it screwed up our lives.

NQC, yes you are right. But I do feel as if I have given him my trust, more than I should have iyswim. I feel he got off lightly last time and I feel I have had to make all the effort to trust him. I know what reassurance I need and have told him. I don't need him to get angry when I do have moments of doubt, I need him to take a good look at himself and realise that he made me like this and the only way to help me stop feeling like this is to make the effort himself.

I have had so much go on in my life, pretty rubbish parents, abuse from my grandfather, lost a dear baby and him doing this and I feel I have done so well to be the kind of person I am. I do have a few issues with myself, but under the circumstances they are pretty minimal.

I'm so sorry to hear this.
Not phoning you last night shows a complete lack of respect and empathy for your feelings. And I'm afraid is the sign of a guilty man - he is avoiding the conversations.
I'm really sorry, you do deserve so much more.
Now the rest of my post might be completely irrelevant if he is innocent and in any case it may be much more than yuo want to think about so stop reading now if you are feeling a little fragile.
My DH's best friend from childhood recently had an affair which he denied and denied and denied even when directly asked by his wife. He even let her confront the woman she suspected (a mutual family friend) without stopping her - the woman denied and denied. She then found some text messages as proof and it all came out that it had been going on for 2 years. When I heard about it my dh said he thought they could work it out - my automatic instinct was "no - if he has so little respect and feelings for her that he can look her in the eye and repeatedly lie, and let her humiliate herself in front of his mistress, then he has no feelings left for her". Of course they didn't work it out - he wasn't interested in doing so.

You need to work out your position, because if your instincts are right, the way he is acting doesn't seem to me like he is thinking about you at all, and is not really committed to the marriage except as a vehicle for maintaining a nice home for his children. You need to work out if this is enough for you. I would also start to think about how you would cope if the worst happened and there was a separation(financially, principally). I'd make sure that my finances were in place, I had a very good overview of the joint finances, and I'd start collecting documentation.

And I would phone the car people for some proper definitive evidence (of lying at least) and not try and rely on a phone ringtone - which in any event he will flatly deny means anything if you confront him.

Sorry if this is all very blunt - and I will say that the fact he has had an affair previously has influenced in a large part my decision to press "post" xx

He will slip up eventually if he is having an affair. If he thinks you may be on to him then he will be on his guard and be extra careful but if he is having an affair then why would he have wanted you to check the booking when he knows it would say Wednesday instead of Friday? Even if he was whiter than white anyone would pick up on the lost two days so he wouldn't want to do anything that might make you feel suspicious because of his history? I would be reluctant to involve the people at his work because in offices that I have worked everybody there has always usually known of any dallyiances that have taken place of fellow colleagues so could be likely to both cover up for him and then warn him.

You sound so calm and rational in the face of everything. I think you are an amazing person. Your post just then:

"I know what reassurance I need and have told him. I don't need him to get angry when I do have moments of doubt, I need him to take a good look at himself and realise that he made me like this and the only way to help me stop feeling like this is to make the effort himself. "

is spot on. You are completely right and you have done the most wonderful thing in forgiving him and your view on the relationship (imo) is very rational.

If he can't see that, then he really can't have much respect for you. He's seen the devastation he's caused and if he isn't going out of his way each and every day to put this right then you have to ask yourself if this man is worth it. Believe me I have been there myself. When I took H back after his affair I just could not believe he was expecting me to make the effort and 'just get over it'!
Things can work out. But only if you're both giving it 100%. And you need to do some serious talking/counselling to get to the bottom of that

xx

If you DO call his mobile, dial 141 beforehand so as to withold your number........

I would call his secretary directly and ask for confirmation of his flight details. Say you don't want to have to admit to him that you've forgotten them.....so please could she not mention it to him!

Wouldn't his secretary have only his best interests at heart and if you say to her don't mention it wouldn't she be more likely to do so! Maybe it is someone (if anyone!) from work anyway!

I'm so sorry to read about this. My sister has been through something similar in the last few years and at times felt like she was going mad.

Horrid advice......take this time to photocopy every single financial document you have in the house including endowment and pension paperwork. Open a sole account somewhere where your dh doesn't bank. Check you pc online history for internet banking accounts you might not know about.

Sadly, you also need to think about STD's.

I really hope this all turns out well for you.

I really couldn't call his office, I don't think it would do him a lot of good professionally and tbh, I don't really want to involve anyone else atm - not in rl friends.

To top off my morning MIL has just called to say she felt he sounded low when he called her yesterday lunchtime (before this all came to light) I said he had a lot on at work and was rushing around a lot yesterday, so that was probably the case. Why does she make me feel inadequate? I'm sure everyone thinks I have the easy life, looking after 3 children completely alone from Monday to Friday (generally...tis til Saturday this week) No family support around at all and I spend my weekends sorting stuff ready for them all the next week. Don't get me wrong, I love being with my children, but I don't get the nights out, time to relax etc etc. I really do feel like it's always poor X, he works so hard...never any thought for what I do (this is just me feeling sorry for myself ignore if you wish)

Thank you Baffy for your kind words. It's nice to hear someone actually agree with how I feel and how I view things. I try very hard to ensure the children and DH are happy, I just want a little bit of recognition for it...and I don't mean that he is working to give us a nice home etc and that I should be grateful, I am grateful, but I put in just as much as he does and I don't get the time out like he does.

Lotstodo, he didn't ask me to check the booking, I noticed he had left the booking forms on the side and called to see if he needed them, it was only then I realised the booking said he was coming back on Weds.

I really don't know what to think here. My gut instinct is telling me he is lying to me, but I don't have hard evidence. I haven't actually accused him of anything, just questioned the earlier return. I haven't said 'You are cheating' I think I will have to see how the week pans out and see what he really has to say about it face to face. The Friday night away is not a normal occurance...and that would have set alarm bells ringing not too long ago.

Something has to change and tbh I think that change in attitude needs to come from him. I won't feel better about this until he starts to make me feel better.

You lot are great btw. You all have very rational comments and are all very wise

Thank you x

You sound lovely - and very wise. I do hope that your worst suspicions are not confirmed, if that is what you want, although I fear the wor5st myself, from what you have written.

You have to do what you feel is right for you, when you feel the time is right, so if that's lulling him into a false sense of security so you can get things sorted for yourself, so be it. I agree with CM, for what it's worth - get your finances in order so that you know you have the option to go if you need to.

Good luck - will be thinking of you on THursday, and keep us posted!

XXX

I really do feel for you.

Firstly his affair and the feelings he was having at the time of it do not reflect you one little bit.You sound a wonderful person.Even If you were not happy in your realatioship would you just go and shag someone else? No. He made that choice to do so. You are not stupid or a fool. It takes a strong woman to take someone back after an affair and it is a very painful option to take. I know.He needs to reasure you when you are feeling alittle wobbly.

It is so hard to trust your own feelings sometimes. I always think that I will know if he ever does it again. Thing is I knew the first time but it didn't sink in if you know what I mean.I didn't want to belive it, even though I accused him and he lied and still carried on doing it. I think I would feel the same if he done it again. I am always on the look out for signs that it is happening again and would feel the same as you if this happened to me to be honest.

If this was me I would see if M.I.L would have the children for you. Involve her as she said he was feeling down.Say to her you would like to suprise him and pick him up from the airport and take hime to dinner to cheer him up. Even maybe get her to call the office to get flight numbers as she has a supprise for him-Then girls in office might make less of it.Tell him that if you called the girls in the office might blabBe there at the airport anyway and take him out to dinner anyway if it works out ok. I hope it does for you. I know what you are going through

Overdraft, that does sound like a great idea, but unfortunately MIL lives a 2 hr drive away, so I can't ask her to have the children for me.

I have to be honest here and say I am not sure I want to find out about anything this week. Thursday will be a tough day for me as it is and I feel like this will be overload if I discover anything. Does that make sense? Really, calling his office/going to the airport isn't an option, the airport is 2 hrs away too (on a good day)

It so nice of you all to say I sound lovely/wonderful/strong, but I don't feel it. After all if I was all of those things, then he wouldn't want to be with anyone else would he. I can't be that great!

See this kind of thing totally obliterates your self esteem

I understand exactly what you mean SHNC. Can you put it to the back of your mind for this week and deal with it next week? I know it would be hard but it really does not sound like you are ready to deal with the fallout of discovering another affair. At least if you put it to the back of your mind you can tell yourself there is still a chance that he isn't having an affair.

Deal with Thursday and then move on to your husband's behaviour when you are ready.

You are all of those things.

People don't have affairs because someone more wonderful than their wife is waiting in the wings. They have affairs because they have their own issues and won't or can't communicate with their partner. someone come's along who dosen't give a damn with their own very low self estem and puts out.

Your husband wanted to have sex with someone else. Sorry to be blunt.He was a prat. He wanted to be with you.It's you he married, you he has had children with, you he loves. He might not have respected you at the time.

You don't know he is having an affair yet though - I hope he isn't.

Take care of your self and put you first.

agree with overdraft, he had the affair because of his own failings as a person not yours.

I feel you have never really got to the bottom of it though and that is why you are douting yourself so much.

My H wanted to push it to one side for a while and still does most of the time but he now knows he has so much to make up to me and make me feel valued and not just as the mother of his children.

I have days when i doubt him but when i tell him, he has so far done all he can to put it right - and it is now getting easier.

It doesnt matter that it was a long time ago you still dont feel worthy of him and that is not right. There is no time scale for how long these take and as this is a hard week for you anyway i would have thought he would have been extra sensitive and thoughtful towards you.

Hope you feel better soon - remember you are not alone and are doing a fantastic job that enables him to have the life he has too. He should be kneeling at your feet every single day thanking you for giving him another chance. And he should be doing this for as long as you need to hear it.

Take care and keep posting