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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh god, I hate to say/think it, but I reckon DH is at it again...

175 replies

Sorryhavenamechanged · 03/12/2007 16:27

...and I don't know what to do

DH had an affair a few years ago and I knew for a while before I confronted him, but didn't say anything until I had proper evidence.

Now I think he is doing it again. He works away a lot, which I am fine with, it's what he has to do. This week he is off abroad and that was fine, until I called him this afternoon as he had forgotten his booking in details for his car at the airport. It was only when I was speaking to him I realised the flight home was on Weds, instead of Friday like he said (and he is also meeting friends in London on Friday night so will be home on Saturday) I did comment on the fact that it said Weds not Friday but he said it was an old booking and he would be abroad until Friday. The booking was made at 1.30 this afternoon, just an hour before I ahd called him.

I texted him earlier to ask if should be worried about what he will be doing after Weds and he has replied basically saying 'he was refraining from speaking his mind for once'and also 'that he hopes we will have a loving talk about it later' Kinda criptic, but I guess he is saying that he is annoyed that I have even dared to suggest it. Now he does this turning the unreasonable behaviour onto me when he is doing something he shouldn't be...I know him very well.

Now I just feel sick and I don't know waht to do. I forgave him last time (though I can't forget) I don't think I can again

Now I am aware

OP posts:
CarmenerryChristmas · 03/12/2007 16:56

I'm sorry SHNC but you have to have a zero tolerance approach to this. So what if you are being unreasonable, you have every right to doubt him.

ladylush · 03/12/2007 16:57

The thing is, he probably broke down cos he couldn't face losing you. That's the problem with some men in that they don't realise what they have until they risk losing it.

Original poster
Sorryhavenamechanged · 03/12/2007 16:58

You are right Carmenere, totally right.

So you all think this seems a bit suspicious then? I have to ask as I know I can get overly suspicious at times (understandable given his history) but I rarely say anything and often I know I am just over reacting, but I don't think I am this time, sadly.

OP posts:
ladylush · 03/12/2007 16:59

I'm not sure tbh but I am guided by your reaction, which seems quite measured, given the circumstances. How will you get proof?

Original poster
Sorryhavenamechanged · 03/12/2007 17:02

I am sure thats why he wanted to stay, because he risked losing us. he didn't expect me to tell him to go and it shocked him. So this is why I don't want to believe he is doing it again. I don't think he does wnat to lose us, (well the children anyway) but I don't think he realises the seriousness of living a double life. (which is what he was doing before, although the girl in question then knew about our children and knew I was pregnant too) Oh bloody hell, I don't need this

OP posts:
Original poster
Sorryhavenamechanged · 03/12/2007 17:03

Well the first thing will be to call his mobile on Thursday. If it has the international dialling tone, then ok, thats fine, but if it is the british one, or his phone is switched off then thats not.

OP posts:
mintydixcharrington · 03/12/2007 17:07

Phone the car people. Say "Hello I am Mr Bloggs' executive assistant. He has changed his return flight 10 times in the last 24 hours and I need to make sure you are going to deliver his car back on the right day. So are you booked on Wednesday 5th or Friday 7th please?" and when they tell you say "can you confirm what flight number you've got?" and when they tell you say "brilliant, thanks. That's right for the moment".

Then come and tell us what they say (but you know what its going to be don't you? he sounds like a shit, but you sound like a v strong woman who deserves better).

Original poster
Sorryhavenamechanged · 03/12/2007 17:08

I doubt I could get hard proof as he would be very careful now. I confirmed my suspicions last time after finding a love letter from the girl (stupid man had kept it) but I had said before to him that I thought something was going on. I suppose it's very likely to be the same girl....if he is

OP posts:
mintydixcharrington · 03/12/2007 17:08

And what is your instinct? That it is the same girl or different?

DrNortherner · 03/12/2007 17:10

So he says his flight home is Fri?
But paperwork says Weds?
So, if lying, he is spending a couple of days somewhere else with someone else perhaps?

Hmm.

I would call the ladies at work and say you want to suprise him at the airport, can they confirm his flight details.

mintydixcharrington · 03/12/2007 17:11

Oh sorry crossposted.
poor you
do you know what, if you find out it is wednesday, I'd be tempted to change the locks and send him a text saying "don't bother coming home on saturday, I'm speaking to my lawyers" and then ignore all phone calls emails and texts until he turns up with his tail between his legs

at least you'll ruin his planned 2 days in the sack with his girlfriend. grrrrrr

Original poster
Sorryhavenamechanged · 03/12/2007 17:11

Minty, I'm not strong, I'm a stupid person who has let him pull the wool over my eyes again. If I was strong I'd have stuck to my guns and kicked him out 3 yrs ago and got on with my life.

I suppose I shall see what he has to say later when/if he calls. But he is very good at turning the tables and making me out to be wrong...very good at it.

OP posts:
ladylush · 03/12/2007 17:12

like your style mintydix

mintydixcharrington · 03/12/2007 17:12

the lie is hard proof itself, with his history

and as someone says, it is up to him to prove he is constant now

I suppose if you think she will turn up at the airport to meet him that would be proof too but I wouldn't put myself through that personally

DrNortherner · 03/12/2007 17:13

Where is he gping with work abroad? Is he staying in a hotel? If so, surely he will give you name of hotel and room number?

Call the hotel on Thursday evening to see if he is there.

CarmenerryChristmas · 03/12/2007 17:15

I second Minty's approach tbh. You need to take the hardline on this. If he is cheating on you, there is no future, you can't forgive this again, it will lead you to a life of heartbreak and self worthlessness.
If he is cheating again and if he has given you the wrong details, he more than likely is, you should just bin him.

I know that some couples get over infidelity but that only works if both partners make the effort, if he has cheated again you will never be able to trust him again.

It is, of course, up to you but my advice is to find out and take the power back by being proactive to protect you and your children.

mintydixcharrington · 03/12/2007 17:16

You are strong
It is not stupid to give someone you love a second chance
It is stupid of him to fuck it up again
It will be the work of about a minute to find out what you want from teh car people. But it is up to you whether you want to do it.

I would also not give him the opportunity to turn the tables when he calls later - I'd want to speak to the car company to get the facts, and then tell him I'm not prepared to talk to him at all until he turns up face to face. It is up to him whether that is Wedpm, Thurs, or Sat

You need to start setting the agenda here, not him

Original poster
Sorryhavenamechanged · 03/12/2007 17:16

I don't honestly think I could put myself through seeing him at the airport with someone, fro a start I would have the children with me and driving home with them wouldn't be safe with me in a state.

I will ask him for the hotel details tonight.

OP posts:
DrNortherner · 03/12/2007 17:20

Yes, just casually aski where are yuo staying and what room are you in. YOu need this info anyway in case of an emergency.

Then call the hotel on Thursday. If he's no longer there you know why.

Keep us posted. I hope to God you are wrong.

Original poster
Sorryhavenamechanged · 03/12/2007 17:21

We wouldn't be able to work it out if he is doing it again, no matter what he says or does. But he knows that!!!

This is just not fair on the children, I have been short nad snappy with thme this evening, trying not to be

OP posts:
pooka · 03/12/2007 17:22

I think Minty's idea re: the car people is a good one. And then, if it transpires he's lying, her second suggestion re: lock changing and message excellent.

Original poster
Sorryhavenamechanged · 03/12/2007 17:22

I hope I'm wrong too DrNorthener, I really do.

OP posts:
ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 03/12/2007 17:23

For peace of mind (because you will be stressing from now until Thursday), check out the valet service and flight number like Minty suggests.

If he is telling the truth, he will never know what you have done.

If he is up to his old tricks, being a seasoned liar, he will turn everything around and make you out to be the bad guy. You are not the bad guy here. Don't let him start doubting yourself and turning yourself inside out with worry and upset.

CarmenerryChristmas · 03/12/2007 17:23

God almighty, you are not stupid. Loving and giving someone else a second chance is an admirable thing to do.
Why wait until Thursday? Do the car hire thing now, put yourself in the position of power? You have every right to ring and check up on him, even if he is innocent.
Get angry and don't even contemplate him trying to be clever by turning it on you.

TellusMater · 03/12/2007 17:26

My DH travels a lot with work, and leaves me his itinerary, with hotel and flight details in case of emergency. If he forgets, I ask his office for it.

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