Oh god, I hate to say/think it, but I reckon DH is at it again...

[Sorryhavenamechanged]

...and I don't know what to do

DH had an affair a few years ago and I knew for a while before I confronted him, but didn't say anything until I had proper evidence.

Now I think he is doing it again. He works away a lot, which I am fine with, it's what he has to do. This week he is off abroad and that was fine, until I called him this afternoon as he had forgotten his booking in details for his car at the airport. It was only when I was speaking to him I realised the flight home was on Weds, instead of Friday like he said (and he is also meeting friends in London on Friday night so will be home on Saturday) I did comment on the fact that it said Weds not Friday but he said it was an old booking and he would be abroad until Friday. The booking was made at 1.30 this afternoon, just an hour before I ahd called him.

I texted him earlier to ask if should be worried about what he will be doing after Weds and he has replied basically saying 'he was refraining from speaking his mind for once'and also 'that he hopes we will have a loving talk about it later' Kinda criptic, but I guess he is saying that he is annoyed that I have even dared to suggest it. Now he does this turning the unreasonable behaviour onto me when he is doing something he shouldn't be...I know him very well.

Now I just feel sick and I don't know waht to do. I forgave him last time (though I can't forget) I don't think I can again

Now I am aware

Well the plot thickens, he is now travelling back tomorrow after all. He says he has a meeting where his office is based. Mind you I haven't quite worked out whether he means he has a meeting tomorrow morning or Thursday. Now I am confused!

So either he is innocent (which I really do want to believe) and his travel plans acn chop and change quickly..

Or he knows I am on to something here and is trying to convince me I am wrong...

Or he reads Mumsnet (he knows I come on here)

And now have just been on the phone to him and he is going to Belgium tomorrow. Oh I don't know what to think now He sounds a bit peed off on the phone, but I couldn't say anything as DS1 was in the room.

Oh dear. He is either getting messed around with work or is running scared.

Probably the easiest way of finding out what is going on is by looking at his text messages when he is back if that is possible. Or else sitting him down and telling him very firmly that you don't want to be lied to again, and asking him a series of questions, and seeing what your instinct says

It sounds as if he is wanting you to feel guilty about not trusting him. Dont let him put any blame on you or try to tell you he is only doing this for you and the kids - my h tried to do this but the reality is if he was so unhappy with all this travelling aroung he could get another job or you could work something out. My h i feel would now like to spend more time with us and i really do feel he would give it all up for us as a family. He did take quite a bit of time off to sort out his mess though and i think it helped him to see what was really important and that my life was actually a lot harder than he and the ow had wanted to think.

He obviously does not want to lose you but only you can decide if what he is doing is enough to keep you after what he has done in the past. Remember that just because he feels he has done enough does not mean that he has for you - this does not make you a fool or silly in any way whatsoever - it is just the way you are and frankly he will have to put up with it if he wants you now.

Thinking about you - i wonder if he will phone whilst in the uk? or will you still get the international dialing tone in belgium? oh and of course he will not be able to be contacted whilst fying either!!!!!

He knows you are on to him and is having a panic now.

Still hope we are not right and he comes home to you and makes you feel the way he should.

He will have deleted all his text messages - and i really dont think that is the answer anyway. There is a reason you dont believe him -you know that and so does he really. So why cant/wont he do what he needs to reassure you?

He will say - what more can he do? and then get angry (which makes you feel bad and back down).

You have already admitted you are scared to really find out the truth anyway and he knows that so he will tell you what you want to hear (which to him is doing all he can).

If he is really inocent then he wouldnt mind you checking up on him and really you wouldnt mind doing it because all it would do is make you look a bit silly at worst - so what if some total strangers at the car park think you are a loony wife.

You diddnt do it because you know what is going on but cant face it. The time will come when you will be strong enough to and we will be here for you.

Could you speak to his office about his travel arrangements? Make out that he called and the line was really bad, so you just want to check what the latest travel plans are. You could even ask whether they have changed recently, etc., and just say that you need to know because of family arrangements which may have to be changed depending on where he is at a given time.

If he has deleted all his texts then I would be VERY suspicious

Do you have access to his bills so you can check against what his phone says re calls?

please please dont go looking for more evidence. It is the worst feeling in the world when you find it. your stomach feels like its fallen out of your body, you go cold all over and your heart beats so fast it feels like its coming away from your body... ( can you tell ive been there? ) my EX H was having an affair and I just knew . No evidence, no nothing, i just knew. I trusted my instincts. Trust yours here, until proved other wise. HE has to prove to you, not vice verca.

In my experience, a womans instincts are very rarely, if ever, wrong. I'm sorry to say. ( to remain PC here, i konw some men have the same, good instincts. )

I personally feel he is lying to you. I think he's now changing the story as you have brought it up and he's maybe even going to belgium, maybe it was planned all along.. perhaps that is where he was going with another person... obviously I dont know for sure.

What I do know is this:

NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT !

you are NOT unreasonable, or out of order for questioning him. You have been an amazing woman, in taking him back after last time. He OWES you respect, and the decency of a proper explanation.

All this said. It sound to me, that you are not ready to leave him either way. I knew about my ex, but was not ready to leave. So, i didnt. I did nothing, until emotionally i was ready, and practically I was ready. I got on with life, with a horrible cloud over my head, but I chose not to face it until I was ready. I had no children then, so it was easier for me.

I think there are a few things you need to do here.

1. you need to ask him to PROVE you wrong. however he has to do it, in any which way, until YOU are happy he is not doing what you suspect.

2. Prepare yourself emotionally for youe relationship ending. It may take a long time, it my be months and months. this is ok you know, it doesnt mean you are a doormat, or weak...Talks to someone in RL and get help and support for this.

3. Start to make enquiries about financial help, housing etc.. just in case the worst does happen. then you will not be afraid to actually make him leave/ leave as you will have a plan. Infact, tell him when you have done all this, it may scare him enough into behaving properly and really proving you wrong... if you are wrong...

sorry i've gone on, but, i've been there years ago, I know how you feel. you can take someone back, and forgive them, but NEVER forget. and something really dies in your heart and relationship when it happens. It never ever comes back again to how it was, however much you want it to. Its SO sad really.

I am now happy, with a gorgeous DD and a fantastic supportive man. who was also treated the exact same way as I was in his first marriage too. He suspected, then went and got proof, and saw her with this other man. he has never fully recovered from how it made him feel. We BOTH carry that baggage with us sadly.

depsite wanting to trust, and hoping nothing like that would ever happen again, and knowing neither of us would do that to each other, it never goes from the back of your mind... my DH works away in the week mon-friday every week.

Its SO hard being on your own all week. without all this too... I cannot even begin to consciously mistrust him, as he's away so much, it would drive me insane... but as much as I Know and hope he wouldn't... i dont REALLy know for sure.. IYSWIM? ( i.e. i dont actually not trust him at all, just that no-one ever actually definitely does know... they just hope? make sense? )

Ok, i'll shut up now!!

I'll be thinking of you SO much. I'm just so sad, for you, feeling how you do, and also with this time of year, especially with this anniversary for you. how bloody rotten.

remember, you are not to blame, you are an amazing, good, strong woman. Hes bloody lucky to have you.

(((((((hugs)))))))) sorry, i know not the done thing, but I feel you could do with it.

Have to say that the flight "change" seems dodgy. Especially in light of your discussion with him re. the original itinerary.

have been thinking about this for a while and wondered if you have ever felt he came back for you and only you. You said it could be the same woman as before - do you really think that.

Do many people in RL know what went on before? or did he just want to not mention it again and get on with life. I think being open about it is very important. I take comfort in the fact that my h would make a complete fool of himself with family friends and work collegues if he ever did it again and especially with the same woman. It is all very well having commitment to you but if that is not very public it seems to mean less iyswim.

You really do need to talk to someone the feeling of going mad are awful and you should not have to go through this alone. I know the looking for evidence will make you feel terrible but you have to decide what is worse.

What i did was to look at myself and feel good that i was doing all i could for the relationship and if he still wanted to leave at least i knew i had given it my best shot. I still do this now and i dont think i am a doormat - i feel i also know where my boundaries are and so does he.

If you cant take this anymore you do not have to justify yourself to anyone as what he has done to you in the past is more than enough for you to call it a day. no-one would think you are wrong, or silly. He is the one who should be scared because you are an amazing woman who has shown she can cope without him (as you do when he is away). he would have a much harder time having to try and fit his family in around him. Is that what you are afraid of?

Do take care today and i hope he gives you the answers you need.

I know, it all sounds a bit wierd. He has just sent another text to say he is flying straight to belgium today and then is back Friday, will meet his friend (who he was going to stay with Fri night) and will be back Friday night now instead. He said 'Is that ok?' (Which bloody irritated me tbh)

I'll try to answer some q's.

Not many people knew about it, tbh, I was way too ashamed (I know wasn't my fault, but still) and didn't even tell my best friends for a long, long time. I have told a few people in the past few months, but I don't like telling people iyswim. I don't know if he would ever go back to the same girl, but I do know that him having me, 2 children and another on the way didn't put her off last time, so I can hazard a guess it wouldn't now either.

The text thing, well he has a password on his phone (apparently so the children can't mess about with it) so can't check those. And he knows I would if I could, as I found out a lot this way last time. He knows I don't like him having a password on his phone. I have told him, he can look at my phone anytime as I have nothing to hide...so why can't I? But that doesn't prove he is cheating, by just having a password. He is a pretty private person anyway (which again annoys me when it comes to me, surely it shouldn't be this way)

He could well be being messed around at work, he does have a stressful job and I do appreciate that.

I am going to have to take DS3 to nursery now. Will come back later x

He has cheated on you in the past and he has a password on his phone

REally that is unacceptable
He should be as transparent as possible to prove that he is trustworthy

Fine, if he wants to protect his phone from the kids then he can tell you the password surely. If he won't then he must have something to hide.

He sounds untrustworthy to me, sorry

password on his phone?? i dont like sound of that.

i agre with fio confront him

Well this is what I'd do.

When he comes back, tell him that you think he is having an affair again. Tell him that given his history, you think it is up to him to prove to you that he is not, and it is up to him to prove to you that he deserves your trust. Tell him your instincts weren't wrong last time, so you can't ignore them this time. When he says (as he will) "how can I prove something that isn't happening?" tell him that it is very simple. You want him to give you his phone, now, and the password, so that you can look at his messages. Tell him that if he doesn't, he will be proving to you that you cannot trust him, and he has to take the consequences of that. Tell him that you haven't decided what the consequences of that are yet, as you need time to work out exactly what YOU want, but that if he doesn't give you his phone, and his password, you aren't sure that there is enough trust left to maintain the relationship going forward, so he might want to think about what that means in terms of the marriage and his ability to live with his children.

Put the fear of god into him. If he still won't give you the phone, he is clearly back to his old tricks and you need to really work out what you want to do, and what you need to sort out.

Best of luck

Perhaps I should behave like a screaming banshee, might get more results!

Fio, you are completely right and I will be talking to him on Friday evening. And he will listen!

Had I not seen the booking for him to return to the Uk on Wednesday, I would have been fine about the Friday night out and change of plans for Belgium. I really would have! I really had got to a stage where I felt I could trust him more, but this has blown it again.

I am prepared to accept I could have got this totally wrong, but I do need him to prove that to me.

I know I am not ready to face the thought of being alone and I know I really don't want that. I do love him very much (possibly too much ) despite what he did before and I don't want to lose him. I hope he feels the same way, but part of me is feeling that it's not so much me he doesn't want to lose, it's the children. And if that isn't the case, then he has to show that.

I have decided I am not going to try to find anything out this week, I can't handle it with tomorrow as well. I will talk to him on Friday and hopefully I can get some answers then.

I'm not perfect, I know that! I can be a grumpy cow sometimes and I can't be nice to live with at those times.

I suppose this is opening my eyes to the fact that even if there is nothing happening, there is something seriously wrong with our relationship and it needs urgent attention.

agree with minty
PLUS
you must look at his next mobile bill and compare to his phone to see if he has been deleting evidence

And he must agree freely to this or something is very wrong

If he gets angry about it remind him that he is the one who put himself in this position by cheating on you in the first place and it is up to him to reassure you in every way he can

I will definately be talking to him about this.

I really must get on and do something now though. I don't get much time to myself, so need to make the most of DS being at nursery!!

agree with minty too

I hope you're ok and you manage to get to the bottom of this

How old are your kids? Was wondering if a keypad lock on his phone would be just as good as a password. I agree that he should not keep his password hidden from you. There are practical reasons for this too - i.e if something happened to your phone and you needed to use his in an emergency.

I just wanted to add my xdp put a pasword on his phone and messages aswell and he was cheating on me i only found out he had put the password on when i came to open a message he had recieved from a girl at work and he wouldnt tell me the password but after 5-10 mins he told it me and i found loads of txts off her saying she loves him etc.. please dont take this the wrong way as i`m not saying your dh is cheating but please ask him to take the blocks off his phone so you can trust him there, as like you say he can look at your phone whenever he likes as you have nothing to hide, i feel for you right now i really do and i hope he is telling the truth, sending you lots of hugs x

I really feel for you so much - i remeber the days when i would just have the thought of who i thought he was having the affair with in my head. He denined it totally and used the stressful job as a reason to keep it from them.

This is not just your problem - surely if he was any sort of man he would want to reassure you anyway. We all have times when we can be grumpy old cows and the fact that you are willing to admit to that shows a lot about yourself as a good person.

Hold onto that fact that you have done nothing wrong and it is him that has the problem. You are right that there is something wrong in your relationship - whatever the truth you should not ever have to feel like this (and when you do have a few doubts he should be there to hold your hand through it).

Good luck and do let us know how it all goes.

Right, well he called this morning to ask if I'd recieved his text re this weeks plans (I couldn't be bothered to answer him this morning tbh) He didn't sound annoyed with me at all on the phone, which is one thing (and so he shouldn't) and while I still am not sure, I am going with the fact that work are kind of messing him about a bit this week and he just really hasn't know what he was going to be doing. He has given me specific times of when he is flying/landing etc and won't be staying out on Friday night. He does have a lot on work wise, so I can accept things would change and like I say, if I hadn't seen the return for Weds, then I would have accepted that anyway.

I am hoping my paranoia got the better of me.

However, things need to be addressed and they will be. I need to be able to trust him more and I hope by talking to him we will be able to sort this out.

This may sound like I'm burying my head in the sand a bit (and maybe I am) but with my baby's birthday tomorrow, boys birthday/party, gawd knows what else next week, dog sitting for a friend next week (a dog we are having for good after Christmas ) and various birthday parties this weekend, I really need to do it the way I can cope best.

You are all fabulous and all so wise and have helped me to realise that actually this is his problem, not mine. I have made every effort to trust him and he needs to remember how much effort he went to after I found out to make me feel reasurred and do that again.

Thankyou everyone.

And now whilst typing my last message I realised I have spelt cryptic worng How annoying

Oh look and now wrong is wrong!! I give up!!!