Boyfriend is annoyed I've asked him to stay less

[whatonearthwasthat]

My boyfriend of nearly 3 years stays at my house most nights. I've recently been feeling a little smothered and could do with some space so have asked him to stay a little less often (maybe 3/4 nights instead of 6/7).

I wasn't rude and thought I was quite fair with how I approached it but he appears to be incredibly annoyed and has said that I should want to be spending most nights with him if the plan is to live together at some point. (He has no issue with me having plans or doing things in the evening but he always expects to come round after).

Is he right, is me wanting some nights to myself an indication that I don't want to live with him eventually?

Well it does sound like you both have different expectations.

It depends on what you mean by eventually. 3 months? 3 years? Maybe not ready for the former!
After 3 years I'd be expecting to spend most nights together but DH and I were pretty much living together from 4 months in. Everyone is different. He clearly wants more than you do

Sounds like a mis match. Does he contribute when he stays?

3 years in and looking at moving, you'd expect to be ok with lots of staying over.

Does he pay his way, given that he practically lives with you?

Do you ever stay at his?

Absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a bit more time and space to yourself and it's great that you can be honest with him about it. How he deals with it is up to him.

Does he cook/clean/do laundry/housework etc at yours? Sounds he's there all the time. I'd feel smothered too.

I'm another who wants to know if he contributes!

To those who have asked, no he doesn't contribute.

He does have an issue with you being independent if he 'insists' on coming over afterwards!

And I think your being v reasonable

Are you an introvert? We naturally need more time alone to recharge and I’d be factoring that in when you do look at moving in together - ie make sure you have separate spaces to hang out, maybe even a spare bedroom so that you can escape each other!! After nearly 10 years my DP and I still live separately and it works well. It’s mainly for logistical reasons with us, but I’m not in a hurry to change it as I know I’ll struggle if we’re together every evening and weekend!! And now he works at home too it would be 24/7. For that to work you need great communication, empathy and an agreement that to take time apart isn’t an insult to one person, but a necessity for the other.

Do you stay at his too? DP and I didn't move in for 4 years but we were spending most of our time together at one or other's houses by then. Probably more often at mine (DC) but we would often all decamp to his at weekends/school holidays.

@aboutbloodytime123 I very rarely stay at his. I have DC and he doesn't.

Ok two issues here:

He’s absolutely taking the piss not contributing financially when he stays at yours almost full time! Same goes for household duties - if he’s all but living with you he should be pulling his weight pretty much 50/50.

The fact that he hasn’t already contributed and offered to do his share of household tasks, coupled with the fact that he’s being huffy about it when you only mentioned your reasonable need for some space perfectly nicely, makes me think he’s a bit of a manchild who thought he was on to a brilliant cocklodging arrangement.

Secondly, it really doesn’t sound like you’re all that well suited.

@whatonearthwasthat

To those who have asked, no he doesn't contribute.

Then I'm going to suggest that his annoyance is more at the gravy train coming to an end.

Tell him he needs to start paying up for the nights he stays, lets see just how many nights a week he wants to come over then.

I'm a little concerned why he needs to come over after you've been out. Why does he just see you the next day ? That's a bit odd.

Do you need space because he's needy of your time.

Is your need for space for another reason . Is he a bit too much, intense or another reason as 3 years in you'd think you'd be living together already.

To those who have asked, no he doesn't contribute.

Sorry, but he's looking for an easy table to stick his feet under. I know this isn't the answer you were looking for but you have two options:

!) Ask him to contribute.

2. Tell him to sling his hook.

Personally, and given that you have DC, I'd go for the latter. Sorry. Just sounds like a chancer who wants you to do his laundry and cook him his tea.

Wow
Has he ever offered to contribute? Does he at least buy food shops?
He sounds like a user.

Hmm. We are same re DC. But no I wouldn't have gone to his after a night out or expected him to come round when I got back to mine. I agree with you there.

Expecting to come round after you've been out with friends or whatever is smothering and controlling

It’s your house, you decide. Him telling you what you ‘should’ want or feel is a red flag that he is not respecting your needs or boundaries in this instance. It’s completely reasonable want some space and time for yourself.

@CloseYourEyesAndSee No and no!

Well if it was becuase of him not contributing then you should talk to him about that. But it sound like it wasn't what you were saying. After so long I dont think he's BU to want to be there for at least six nights. It sounds like he thinks you were going to be living together soon and sharing everything, but that you were more wanting to keep it as more like dating and seeing eachother quite a bit but not living together or being a family together.

After 3 years I would assume you’d be looking at moving in together, but there’s no right or wrong. If after 3 years I was asked t stay less I would assume your breaking up with me.

I’m not one to doddle though and like to move along with my life. I couldn’t be spending 3 years not even into the moving in together stage but that’s a personal preference.

He’s annoyed as he now has to fund himself!

I would be asking him to contribute from now on, regardless of how often he stays

Just seen you have children, that’s different.

Contribute properly or stop coming round, your not a b&b!