Boyfriend is annoyed I've asked him to stay less

[whatonearthwasthat]

My boyfriend of nearly 3 years stays at my house most nights. I've recently been feeling a little smothered and could do with some space so have asked him to stay a little less often (maybe 3/4 nights instead of 6/7).

I wasn't rude and thought I was quite fair with how I approached it but he appears to be incredibly annoyed and has said that I should want to be spending most nights with him if the plan is to live together at some point. (He has no issue with me having plans or doing things in the evening but he always expects to come round after).

Is he right, is me wanting some nights to myself an indication that I don't want to live with him eventually?

[quote whatonearthwasthat]@CloseYourEyesAndSee No and no! [/quote]
This is truly awful. Are you sure about the relationship?

My now DH and I lived apart for 10+ years whilst waiting for my girls to grow up and get settled into adult life before we moved in together. It can work perfectly well and absolutely does not automatically show a lack of commitment to long term plans together.

The issue here is that he’s taking the piss in a big way! He’s not acting as if they’re living together, he’s acting like a selfish casual boyfriend.

He's a cocklodger, do you cook for him regularly And he doesn't even contribute to that? Wow, he certainly saw you coming!

I think everyone deserves their own space, whether living together or not.

He's round all the time, not contributing, putting pressure on you to be there when you don't want him there and after you've been out?

Screw that. Your house, he's a guest, he can come when invited. Of he doesn't like it, well he knows which door to avoid in future.

Did you have a thread about him about a month ago OP? He was coming round even if you asked him not to? If it's the same, I think you may need help to end your relationship with him as he doesn't take no for an answer.

Using cocklodging bastard.

He won't just turn up after I've been out but he'll want to come over and then get huffy when I say no.

Tbh I think you’d be a lot better off just making a clean break now.

If he thinks he should be there every night without contributing, I’d think he should be there no nights at all, because I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship.

@whatonearthwasthat

He won't just turn up after I've been out but he'll want to come over and then get huffy when I say no.

That's worse.

He's a controlling emotionally abusive cocklodging huffy manchild baby.

Tell him you want to reduce the number of nights from 6/7 to 0... Ever..

Where does he live ordinarily? As in flat share, parents or his own place?

I was upfront with my partner from the start. I like my own space and so I want plenty of time on my own. I wasn’t willing to get into a relationship again where they had different expectations!

For reasons we will be living together soon but he works away a few nights a week and that works for me.

In your situation I would really struggle with my partner taking offence to what you’ve said but maybe something you need to think about in the relationship going forward.

1. he absolutely has to contribute
2. when you live together it is different. Hard to go out and do your own thing when you have a guest. Unlike when you're living together.

Calculate his proportion of shopping for however many years/months he has stayed with you and present him with a bill. If he doesn't want to pay his share bin him.

where does he live -does he own his own place

i dont understand why hes round so much not contributing

So if he comes to yours, does that save him money? How often does he have a meal at yours? Include breakfast and lunch, too!

So you have kids he doesnr
He comes to yours most of the time. Where would or does he live? Doe he have a home? How old is he? Is he capable of living independently or are you a mother replacement ? What the score .. it sounds a bit dodgy so far .. he comes to yours, he doesnt contribute, he doesnt buy food... what is the story? How old is he, how nlong did it take him to start being at yours vietually every night and what doe she actually contribute (not just financially) .. you sound quite "together" ..he sounds a bit possessive and.child like.

@HollowTalk During the week it's dinner and evening snacks and at the weekend it's breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks

I would be annoyed by his behaviour too.

If you lived together it's different. He would be at home, doing his own thing, maybe doing chores or his own hobby, and you'd just say hi when you got in, then sort yourself out.

If he is coming to yours, you are effectively hosting, and having to get home, then welcome him into the house, sort everything for both of you before bed.

@whynotwhatknot Him and his best mate share a house.

How come you’ve never asked for a contribution financially? You have kids, he does not. So you’re feeding an extra mouth and you have no obligation to do so…

Wow so he doesn’t even pay towards his food…?!!

Get rid!

Just seen that you always feed him and he never pays. Unless you are a lottery winner, he is taking the piss.

Have you ever asked him to pay his share?? Have you ever asked him to do his share of housework? If so, what happened?

He's a cocklodger - and a lazy controlling twat to boot.

I like the idea of sending him a bill for all the food he's eaten. Cheeky fucker!

I think the part of you that is asking for more space is the same part of you that knows that the relationship isn't equal and that it's not working.

It feels like it's a way of making a move towards ending things but not entirely consciously.

Perhaps it's time to pay more attention to what you're really feeling?

If you’ve chosen not to move in together, he absolutely needs to respect your space, especially when your children are with you. You need time with just them, until such time when/if you invite him to move in.