Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Boyfriend is annoyed I've asked him to stay less

137 replies

whatonearthwasthat · 05/09/2021 21:53

My boyfriend of nearly 3 years stays at my house most nights. I've recently been feeling a little smothered and could do with some space so have asked him to stay a little less often (maybe 3/4 nights instead of 6/7).

I wasn't rude and thought I was quite fair with how I approached it but he appears to be incredibly annoyed and has said that I should want to be spending most nights with him if the plan is to live together at some point. (He has no issue with me having plans or doing things in the evening but he always expects to come round after).

Is he right, is me wanting some nights to myself an indication that I don't want to live with him eventually?

OP posts:

GertietheGherkin · 05/09/2021 23:39

@whatonearthwasthat

To those who have asked, no he doesn't contribute.

OMG! Tell him to go forth. No wonder he wants to come round everynight! He's living the life of Riley at your expense. LTB!!!

RedToothBrush · 05/09/2021 23:40

@whatonearthwasthat

To those who have asked, no he doesn't contribute.

Theres your issue...

HundredMilesAnHour · 05/09/2021 23:40

@SarahBellam

Are you the same OP who posted about her cock lodger boyfriend eating all her food and hogging the remote control without paying a penny? If so, you really need to kick his sorry ass into last week.

Exactly what I was thinking. Sounds like the same OP with the same cocklodger.

robbooftheford · 05/09/2021 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

RedToothBrush · 05/09/2021 23:42

@whatonearthwasthat

He won't just turn up after I've been out but he'll want to come over and then get huffy when I say no.

He doesn't respect your right to say no.

Think about this.

WIS76 · 05/09/2021 23:55

[quote whatonearthwasthat]@whynotwhatknot Him and his best mate share a house. [/quote]
Not really, sounds like his best friend lives alone really 🙄

takehomepay · 05/09/2021 23:55

[quote whatonearthwasthat]@HollowTalk During the week it's dinner and evening snacks and at the weekend it's breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks [/quote]
Of course he doesn't want to give this up! He is a cocklodger.

Dump him!

He won't just turn up after I've been out but he'll want to come over and then get huffy when I say no.

Does he also expect dinner or snacks when he comes over after you've been out?

Single mums are often a target for cocklodgers.

Walkingalot · 06/09/2021 00:00

Please @whatonearthwasthat listen to what PP are saying. He is a cocklodger. I know. I've been there and fallen for it. Oh of course they love you and that's why they want to be with you all the time. It's a heady feeling in the early days but boy does it become stifling quickly. The realisation that it's all just words on their part. The realisation that you feel taken advantage of. Then, oh heck, how do you get out of it.
My ex DP used to say 'how can we eventually be together permanently when you want to spend time apart now'? Yeah, he was right to question it. I couldn't comprehend spending my life day in day out with him.

reesewithoutaspoon · 06/09/2021 00:01

Ask him to contribute, see what response you get, that will tell you all you need to know.
If he causes a fuss over it, then you got a cocklodger who is enjoying having a maid to cook and provide for him, with some sex thrown in on the side. he will behave in such a way as to dissuade you from even asking again (huffy, sulky, cause an argument etc) when the correct response should be to sort out how much he will contribute.
But tbh if he is behaving this entitled and you aren't even engaged/married to him then it doesn't bode well for long term. This is a bloke who will be happy for you to do all the workload while he sits on his arse and does fuck all. All on your money.

Branleuse · 06/09/2021 00:06

Maybe he should piss off and be annoyed elsewhere, such as his own home.

me4real · 06/09/2021 00:06

Wow OP. He's probably cost you quite a bit of money. Hope he was worth it.

For sure ask him to start contributing- but a decent guy wouldn't need to be asked, he'dve given you a bit towards stuff from day 1, as well as done some of the organization of buying snacks etc.

RedToothBrush · 06/09/2021 00:06

Yes ask him to contribute for when he does come round (on your terms) and see if that makes him think about the reality of living together permanently.

Babyroobs · 06/09/2021 00:08

If you are claiming any benefits as a single person ( even 25% discount off council tax ) he should not be living there 7 days a week surely ?

proudwomansexmatters · 06/09/2021 00:13

Leaving aside any of the contribution aspect, I suppose there's a few points for consideration

The length of time of your relationship
Where you think it's going
Where he thinks it going
Where you want it to go

I think it's one thing to have someone round staying with you most of the time, but I would find it smothering if a partner wanted to come to mine when they weren't scheduled to come round and basically wanted to infringe on the end of my evening out away from them. It feels intrusive that he has no understanding of this. Why does he need to stay round when you have no other plans? Is this a jealousy thing? That he wants to make sure that you come home alone or something?
This would majorly put me off!!

I can understand why he stays at yours esp as you have kids and he's in a shared house. Regardless of anything else, it's the logical decision. But only if you are happy with it!!

There are people we get on well with but would never want to live with, people we don't mind house sharing with and those who we want to live with. Which one is he?

proudwomansexmatters · 06/09/2021 00:14

When you have made other plans **

bluebell34567 · 06/09/2021 00:28

wake up op. he has been using you for 3 years, thats a long, long time.
how did you allow that to happen?

ItsNotMeAnymore · 06/09/2021 00:46

Blimey OP, time to have a think about things.

How old are your kids? Why would you want a huffy sulky sponger around them.

Rangoon · 06/09/2021 01:06

You should get rid of this exploitative huffy Scrooge. I can't believe he has been there 6-7 nights a week without doing a bit of housework, paying a share of the bills and/or buying food. His outgoings must be almost nothing. Next you'll be telling us you let him drive your car- tell us you don't let him drive your car?

I do think that some men have evolved for the worst. I don't remember men doing this sort of thing when I was younger and dating. Men did offer to pay for dinner as a matter of course. (One of my friends rationalised this on the basis that women had higher running costs like hair, make up, more clothes etc.) Men would have been too embarrassed to live off a woman and women wouldn't have put up with it either. My mother, bless her, couldn't understand the idea of somebody moving in and paying "rent" if the man owned the house. It was just utterly incomprehensible to her and she was practically fighting off good quality men with sticks.

Geppili · 06/09/2021 01:08

The huffing is unforgivable in a full grown Cocklodger. Tell him to huff off!

FairFuming · 06/09/2021 01:09

No you aren't being UR. Does he help out when he's with you or expect to be waited on

twelvefiftynine · 06/09/2021 01:15

Ah the old cocklodger. You see them often in these parts.

Does he have a key? Change the locks and pretend you've no idea who he is. Block on all devices.

REignbow · 06/09/2021 01:19

Op I remember your previous thread.

In this you said that:

You have already asked him to not come over, when your DC had a late activity. Initially he listened but then slowly but surely, would be waiting for you in your drive when you got home (at 9pm).

He would ONLY occasionally buy a take away

The reason why you posted then, was because a friend had got you thinking about how much he stayed over.

You were told then by posters and then later by your friend that he was a cocklodger and was leeching off you and your children.

Now, you have put in a boundary and asked him to only come around a few night a week and his response is to use emotional blackmail.

He didn’t apologise, he didn’t agree with you. He just told you that you should want him, to come over and not contribute at all.

He is telling you who he is. Listen.

PrincessNutella · 06/09/2021 01:23

Cock o' the lodge

BeaucoupFish · 06/09/2021 01:32

Bet he’s got thousands in savings, these types always do

MissConductUS · 06/09/2021 01:33

Don't feel too badly about it, you've been skilfully manipulated. But now that you understand what's happening, the relationship has to change completely or you have to dump him.

I'm going to guess it'll be the later. If he was a decent bloke you wouldn't be in this mess.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6