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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend is annoyed I've asked him to stay less

137 replies

whatonearthwasthat · 05/09/2021 21:53

My boyfriend of nearly 3 years stays at my house most nights. I've recently been feeling a little smothered and could do with some space so have asked him to stay a little less often (maybe 3/4 nights instead of 6/7).

I wasn't rude and thought I was quite fair with how I approached it but he appears to be incredibly annoyed and has said that I should want to be spending most nights with him if the plan is to live together at some point. (He has no issue with me having plans or doing things in the evening but he always expects to come round after).

Is he right, is me wanting some nights to myself an indication that I don't want to live with him eventually?

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 06/09/2021 01:37

He has no issue with me having plans or doing things in the evening but he always expects to come round after

this made me decidedly uncomfortable.. WTF

I agree with everyone on here.. you have a FreeLoader on your hands.. happily taking from your children..

Get this guy to FOOK out of your life... he sounds creepy controlling and manipulative as Fook !?

FlowerArranger · 06/09/2021 01:48

@HollowTalk

So every week he eats 18 meals/snacks for free at your house and he can't see why you're unhappy about this? He is literally taking food out of your children's mouths!
Absolutely this!!!

@whatonearthwasthat - what on earth are you thinking??!!! What exactly are you getting our of this relationship? And what about your children!! Just imagine if you'd invested all the money you have spent on feeding this lowlife in a fund for their future education.

And make no mistake: a man who selfishly takes takes takes from his partner in this way is a lowlife.

I've been reading Mumsnet for a while, but I'm still gobsmacked on a daily basis about the sh÷t that some women let these cocklodgers get away with...

QueenBee52 · 06/09/2021 04:16

Bleeding you and your kids dry... suffocating you every single night even after a girls night out he insists on being there after...

He's a creep

GreyGoose1980 · 06/09/2021 04:55

He should definitely offer to contribute.

However I think this is highlighting key differences in where you see this relationship going / how you feel about each other. Appreciate it’s more complex with DC involved however if after three years you are not keen to move in together and are wanting to spend less time not more with each other then I’d be questioning if I really saw a future with him or not.

Maskless · 06/09/2021 04:56

Hmm. OP has not returned to the thread to tell us how she feels about being told he is a cocklodger.

She did not LTB after her last thread about him. Why's that? She did not take MN advice, and now she is back with another AIBU regarding him.

OP where are you? Please respond. Are you planning to continue this relationship?

QueenBee52 · 06/09/2021 05:01

@Maskless

Hmm. OP has not returned to the thread to tell us how she feels about being told he is a cocklodger.

She did not LTB after her last thread about him. Why's that? She did not take MN advice, and now she is back with another AIBU regarding him.

OP where are you? Please respond. Are you planning to continue this relationship?

there's a previous thread... oh dear 😳

Plumtree391 · 06/09/2021 05:17

I can understand how you feel, whatonearth. Time to yourself or just you and the children is so important, otherwise you might as well live together and you don't want that. It could be that he does really want that, he has said things about it. However I don't blame you one bit for not taking that step, especially as you have children.

Hindsight is all very well but maybe it would have been better had you just been unavailable sometimes. He does rather take the mick and tries to monopolise you.

See how it goes, don't back down and good luck.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/09/2021 05:53

I bet he's annoyed! He's a cocklodger in waiting, and the less he comes round, the more he'll have to pay for his own food and cook it etc.!

Well done you - I think easing it off even more is probably a good plan, until he finds a new "victim" to take the piss out of financially.

Do NOT ever let him move in!

JingsMahBucket · 06/09/2021 06:27

@Maskless

Hmm. OP has not returned to the thread to tell us how she feels about being told he is a cocklodger.

She did not LTB after her last thread about him. Why's that? She did not take MN advice, and now she is back with another AIBU regarding him.

OP where are you? Please respond. Are you planning to continue this relationship?

@Maskless the OP is probably asleep like most normal people. There’s no need to harangue her.
Bananalanacake · 06/09/2021 06:34

Hide your food anywhere he can't find it, have nothing cooked for him when he next comes round. When he asks what's for dinner tell him you can't afford a food shop because your electric, gas,water bills were more expensive this month. Would he then feel guilted into contributing?

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/09/2021 06:35

There is no other thread under this username. It is entirely possible there are two or far more than two women on mumsnet, who have low life partners trashing their boundaries, ignoring them and their kid’s needs and bleeding them dry.

When you really see how he’s treating you and your kids @whatonearthwasthat, you can’t really unsee it. This man is treating you appallingly.

Plumtree391 · 06/09/2021 06:36

Probably not :-).

WaterBottle123 · 06/09/2021 06:48

Does he pay for nights out etc?

Shoxfordian · 06/09/2021 06:53

Stop being a mug op
He’s using you

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 06/09/2021 07:13

Did he tell your daughter not to eat the melon you bought her??

lottiegarbanzo · 06/09/2021 07:16

You are right, he is wrong, for the simple reason that he's a guest, you're the host. That's a very different set up from sharing a house, which is both people's home. However 'at home' he is at yours and however relaxed you feel with him in your home, having a guest there does prevent you from living your life freely, because there's always an element of feeling you need to attend to their needs, or just give them your attention. Basic manners.

Would you feel free to devote your evening's free time to having a long phone conversation with a friend? To spend a whole evening reading? To eat leftovers rather than cooking a 'proper dinner' when it suits you? To go to bed early to sleep, whenever you need to?

This is a way that CFs without manners take advantage of well brought up people who have them. A way that people who think only of themselves and their own wants, impose upon people with a sense of social obligation.

RichPetunia · 06/09/2021 07:20

Are you sure he’s still a flatmate with this friend? If he’s at yours every night what do you bet he’s not paying his friend either?

RantyAunty · 06/09/2021 07:23

I'm curious what he does when he's at yours every night and all weekend when he doesn't cook a meal or tidy or anything?

What does he actually do?

2catsandhappy · 06/09/2021 07:26

Well done for speaking up!
A great first step on getting your boundaries in place.
Don't be confused by his protests and moods. He is trying to distract from his appalling treatment of you.
It is very difficult to change patterns and habits. I too, started feeding a bf, it seemed mean and petty not to serve up when I and my dc were eating. Years went by. I never had the courage to say, enough, this stops. I felt used, resentful, stressed and I was broke. I was too afraid of him to confront him.
Don't be me. Maybe you could outright say, 'you need to eat before you come round'

Requestit · 06/09/2021 07:29

Stop wasting anymore precious years of your life on a sub standard “relationship”. It comes across like he’s another child you’ve got to feed water and give attention to! There’s so much better out there.

AviciaJones · 06/09/2021 07:39

He is not only costing you money which could be saved for you and your DC, he is also taking your time away from your DC. If you spent £10 on him a day for six days a week for at least two years that must be well over £6000.

No wonder he was incredibly annoyed, his cash cow is onto his cocklodging behaviour. I hope he at least has been taking you and your DC for a decent meal at a restaurant every week.

saraclara · 06/09/2021 08:06

@Maskless I don't know where you live, but as OP appears to be in the UK, and her last post was at 22:50 our time, I assume she's been asleep. So give over with your pestering (at 04:50 our time) and your assumptions about her.

Volcano10 · 06/09/2021 08:14

@2catsandhappy

Well done for speaking up! A great first step on getting your boundaries in place. Don't be confused by his protests and moods. He is trying to distract from his appalling treatment of you. It is very difficult to change patterns and habits. I too, started feeding a bf, it seemed mean and petty not to serve up when I and my dc were eating. Years went by. I never had the courage to say, enough, this stops. I felt used, resentful, stressed and I was broke. I was too afraid of him to confront him. Don't be me. Maybe you could outright say, 'you need to eat before you come round'
I did this when I had similar. Went down like a ton of bricks it did; the poor man couldn't stand to be told to eat his own food by himself 😂😂
Fluffycloudland77 · 06/09/2021 08:28

He’s literally taking food out of your kids mouths by not contributing.

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 06/09/2021 08:30

Suffocating.

And a scrounger.

Do you really want to be with him?

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