Dating thread 212 - more milk tray, less flakes

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Shayelle2009

That sounds like an amazing party *@Naimee87*! Well done for doing that whole thing!

Can i join the sick boat?? Been struggling all weekend with a suspected tooth abscess, its agony. Got two huge days at work that I definitely cant miss. Didnt realise how dangerous a tooth abscess can be til I started googling last night now I’m freaking out about septicaemia/infection travelling into the brain etc… got to call the dentist on the way to the two day work event that is 100 miles away and try and get there 😞 oh the timing’s perfect! I feel quite panicky!! 😓

Oh @Shayelle2009 you poor thing! Is there no way at all you can be off work - sometimes illness really does have to trump our work commitments. I had a friend who had an abcess and whilst it didn't become serious in the way you mention, it was really debilitating for a good few days and her face swelled up. I've recently started a new job and know very well that horrible feeling where you don't feel you can 'shirk' being present.

Sending sympathy to all those ill and suffering at the moment (or caring for those who are)

Still listening to the Natalie Lue book The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship which focuses on one type of her Fallback Girl described in her previous book... it applies so much to those of us navigating our way through the world of OLD and trying to avoid getting attached to those who aren't really offering what they seem. My last iron did so many of the things mentioned, and I lapped them up at the time. It has to be a good thing that I'm recognising these patterns now, right... right?

@Shayelle2009 everything always happens at the worst time doesn’t it. But don’t let google get to you and fill your mind with too much. Likely you’ll be fine after seeing the dentist. And even though the work event is important health is far far more important. Update after the dentist! Good luck!!!

@SpringlikeBunk are you all moved now and have you started your new job? i vaguley recall a post about it but so many have come in between now. Did your speed-dating event take place, how was it if it did?

Also i think some of you met up in real life, that's so cool! I wish it'd be possible for me. I miss the UK a lot! Not been for a fair few years now but hoping to visit family in Manchester/Cumbria next year some time.

My dreams have been really vivid this past 7 days and I've been waking up really early, normally when I have this it's because my anxiety is up and I'm worried about something. But life is good at the moment, I'm happy, works okay, no lockdowns, Mr Cricket is still in touch. So I just don't get it.

@Shayelle2009 never ever Google your illness. I did when I had a tooth abscess and never again will I. I hope you feel better soon, they are buggers.

@Naimee87 thanks I'm still knackered and had leg day on Saturday so my legs were so sore last night. I always cry when I watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows 1&2 which is really silly. Yes I'm looking forward to my catch up with Mr Cricket later. I will be on time this time though! I may even surprise him by getting there before him.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards thank you. I hope everything is okay with you.

Aagghh why do these feckin men show up at the wrong time. Picked up my phone last night to check time to see a message had landed from Mr TG, over 6 weeks after my closure message to him after he totally blanked me for a month.
I did a Naimee and let it sit there all night unopened wondering what he was saying! Realised my head was fried from not knowing so I read it and he has apologised sincerely for his behaviour, explained he was in a bad place but that was no excuse and he was totally wrong. He finished off saying he had enjoyed getting to know me and spending time with me and wished me well!
I would have given anything for that message last month. Now it’s just thrown me and made me doubt things with Mr L , it came in the middle of another conversation with my daughter about me dating which has also made me doubt things. Mr L also called in the middle of that but I couldn’t talk so I told him I’ll call tonight.
I’ve gone from being really excited about our upcoming weekend, to being stressed about it. I’m self sabotaging aren’t I???

Ooooooh! That is so spooky! It's almost exactly whats happening with me and magnet-man, same time-lines pretty much as well. But you and MrL seem in far better place than me and MrE at the moment. Did you reply to MrTG? Is this a closure message from him or is he hoping you'll reply and you'll get some kind of conversation going again. I realise i need to seriously have a word with myself because i think it was like 'sortingitout' said to me its like a loop of 'excitement, guilt, confusion' and also it's not fair on MrE entertaining magnet-man although who know's what MrE and I are at the moment.
How did the discussion go with your DD the other day? suppose this reappearance has thrown everything out the window though like my random message from magnet-man who is now in regular contact and sending messages like you say that i wanted to hear months ago! Do you have feelings for MrTG? I thought i was over magnet-man properly but seems i'm not quite. Good Luck, whatever you decide to do don't beat yourself up either. I'm guessing many will say delete/block/run for the hills (into the arms of MrL) but i'm just not as wise as many of the posters on here!

I've had 3 dates over the past 2 weeks, I hadn't mentioned my kids yet to anyone, I'm so new to all this and part of me just wanted to get back out there and meet some new people. One of the dates was really amazing, really good chemistry, easy to talk to, great kisser. Have been texting lot's since then. It all felt like it was moving very fast.

We had date no.2 last night (the second in 5 days) and I decided to tell her about my 5yo twins. It didn't go down to well, and she left very abruptly. We messaged until the early hours and she asked a lot of questions and is very upset about the whole thing.

I feel like a total dick, I wasn't expecting things to move as quickly as they have. I've now changed my profile to 'have kids' and we'll see if anyone is still interested. It's been a painful lesson and I'm gutted I hurt someone to learn it.

@Mynameisbetter Not sure why you wouldn't mention kids on your profile when they're such a huge part of your life.

I'm pleased you've now updated ypur profile.
Honesty is definitely the best policy.

Shayelle2009

You poor thing
My summer was ruined by this tooth 🦷 problem in 2020
Emergency dental
Clove oil
And the strongest painkillers you can get

May - oh no
That’s shit timing
Don’t self sabotage xxx

Urgh 4 jumpers later and I finally decide on my cricket jumper. In fairness it does look the best on. I then go through my everyday jewellery and it's no, no, no, no, can't wear that the ex gave me that and that (both really nice swarowski necklaces). The only thing I'm happy with are my jeans (I've got to go to Brownies later so I have to be prepared in case I have to go straight there).

But I'm wearing a cricket jumper to coffee with a man that plays cricket.🤦‍♀️😂 thinking about it I might change before I meet him. This is too much hard work when he will probably be in his cycling gear again.

@Mynameisbetter we've all made mistakes with this dating malarkey. Best thing is to put all the relevant / obvious dealbreaker info up there. I've never really thought about it before but this is probably relevant:

Relationship status eg if you're separated and not divorced
Children and ages, their living arrangements
Your living arrangements
Driver / car
Your real age
What you're looking for - 'don't know' is also valid here!
Some people might put a disability or chronic illness here but I would probably rather leave that to the first message
A recent iron I met told me he was widowed at the first meet. Some might prefer to know that before but I was ok with it; it clearly took him some courage to tell me and I could see it was something that he might have had some adverse reactions to before

Anyway I'm sure lots of people might have other advice.

As for the person you had a date with, it's clearly a problem for them otherwise they wouldn't have reacted that way. Personally I prefer it if someone has children as then I hope they will be more sympathetic to any last minute changes or issues that come up for me

HTH and good luck 🤞🏽 out there

Thanks @BelladiMamma

What is everyone's app/site of choice? All of my 'successes have been on Hinge, which is great for conversation starters but doesn't really dig down into Relationship status and other nitty-gritty details.

I've also yet to see any women with kids on there. Am I doing this all wrong? 🤔

@Mynameisbetter employment status is probably a good one too!

@Mynameisbetter

Thanks *@BelladiMamma*

What is everyone's app/site of choice? All of my 'successes have been on Hinge, which is great for conversation starters but doesn't really dig down into Relationship status and other nitty-gritty details.

I've also yet to see any women with kids on there. Am I doing this all wrong? 🤔

I haven't used Hinge for ages but I'm fairly sure you can put whether or not you have kids on there?

My experience - Hinge had fairly sparse picking but I got three short situationships out of them. People were prepared to meet and spend time together although 2 of them were in another city

Bumble - lots of chats, 2 date zeros and a bunch of flakes. More date zero's to come, I got a lot of matches and it's been hard trying to figure when to meet a lot of them (my particular circumstances)

Plenty of Fish - utter madness and Wild West craziness. However I have got a date zero out of it. I've snoozed my profile and I'll delete it once I've figured out who I dare give my WhatsApp details to...!

Never used any of the others

@Mynameisbetter

Thanks *@BelladiMamma*

What is everyone's app/site of choice? All of my 'successes have been on Hinge, which is great for conversation starters but doesn't really dig down into Relationship status and other nitty-gritty details.

I've also yet to see any women with kids on there. Am I doing this all wrong? 🤔

What age range are you in?

I'm 53 and see loads of guys mention kids, though at my age you tend to hope they'd be older and less of a tie.

I think the woman who ended the date due to you having kids was very odd. If it's such a big deal for her why didn't she just ask you early on? Equally, not sure how you get through a few dates without mentioning them so maybe she felt you had been deliberately hiding the fact? How could you never even have said "took the kids for a Macdonald's yesterday" or something like that?

I don't know what people say on Tinder because I've not worked out how to read their profiles, in the app you get about three lines and I can't find a way to read the rest 🤦🏻‍♀️

@MayEye, don't self sabotage, certainly not over the message from Mr TG. Just think of it as a closure message, which is what it sounds like. I would take it as evidence that he is a decent guy but that for whatever his reason he wasn't able to give you the time and commitment that you were hoping for.
Feeling that your DD is still unsettled about the concept of you dating is a different matter but it can be managed. Something has brought it to the forefront of her mind, it maybe her own evolving view of growing up and how her life feels or something her DF has said or done.

@Naimee87 @MayEye I feel you re the boomerang flakes. It's painful and sad but the best thing is to read some Natalie Lue and throw a big bucket of cold water over yourselves. Things aren't going to magically change however much we want them to. Your messages triggered a load of feelings about BeardFlake and going over the past. The great thing is I didn't act on the temptation even though I was desperate to. I tried to remind myself that he's probably doing the exact same thing to another woman right now!!
Stay strong and good luck out there!!
@Naimee87 ... I was also thinking about MrE. Be careful how much further you let him in. He crossed a major boundary with the way he behaved around your DS. It will be easier for him to be the nice guy around adults. Don't forget that this is probably impacting your DS who might not have appreciated MrE being there on his birthday.

@VanGoghsDog I'm 34. She was 30. It was only second date, but you are right, I should have mentioned it before the first date. I think I am coming from a place of insecurity about dating with kids, I'm of the opinion that nobody wants to date a single dad with 2 kids in their 30's, there's plenty of other guys without that baggage. That's something I'm going to have to overcome.

@BelladiMamma Plenty of Fish is indeed crazy, I've chatted with loads of women, but as soon as I suggest meeting up I get ghosted.

I'm on Bumble, but haven't had much luck on that. Tinder is a waste of time.

Thanks everyone, as usual you lot talk me down when I’m panicking!
@Naimee87 no I haven’t replied. It probably is a closure message and I’m in two minds whether to acknowledge it or not. We dated for 7 months, in touch every single day, didn’t meet a lot but was great when we did, so yes I would say feelings were developing on my side and I was gutted when he asked to take a break, and moreso when he disappeared altogether
@Onesmallstep67 yes he is a decent guy, he said he was very embarrassed by his behaviour at the time, was drinking to excess etc and I know he would have hated to hurt me so it probably is a closure message to let me know that.
My DD opened up to me a little more last night, she started off mean saying she was embarrassed by me dating, no one else in the family was separated etc, said she was never meeting a man I was seeing, she would prefer me with her dad and so on. Then once I asked her fears she said she had chatted to her friend in a similar position and her mam had moved her away with a new stepdad away from her dad and she was afraid of that happening.
I reassured her I will not be moving away, no one will be moving in, I won’t make her meet anyone she doesn’t want to but I would check in with her again in a few weeks or months to see how she feels about meeting (if we become serious obviously)
By the end she was happier, asking me questions about him and we hugged and made friends again

@MayEye, I'm glad that you and DD had a good chat and it sounds like her fears are not really about you dating but what that actually means for her and her life that's already been impacted by your separation from her DF.
Whether to acknowledge Mr TG or not is difficult to call isn't it ? I think you should remember some of feelings you had during him distancing himself from you. He hasn't said 'I'm in a better place, fancy another go ?' although that may be what you get if you reply. He could have said in yesterday's message but didn't. If you reply at all I would mirror his tone and wish him well.

Sending hugs to the poorly people, I hope everyone is feeling a little better today.

I had another amazing weekend with MrMud, went to his local pub and a nice restaurant, it was very romantic walking down the country lanes hand in hand. We spent some time doing normal everyday things together too, like watching TV and it just felt so natural - like we had known each other for years. Still can't believe my luck as he's so handsome and kind, I'm still waiting for a red flag, but starting to think maybe there isn't one?!

@Isitreallyme177 I'm okay, thank you. I'm pleased that all the dating stuff with Mr Gambit is sorted. I think I knew deep down he wasn't really interested in me that way, but I was so happy to have got back in touch with him again. I did miss him throughout our period of not talking.

I had one brief chat with someone on Tinder last night, but it fizzled out and I unmatched. He sounded a bit short of conversation, so it was probably for the best ❤️

@Dirtyduck

Sending hugs to the poorly people, I hope everyone is feeling a little better today.

I had another amazing weekend with MrMud, went to his local pub and a nice restaurant, it was very romantic walking down the country lanes hand in hand. We spent some time doing normal everyday things together too, like watching TV and it just felt so natural - like we had known each other for years. Still can't believe my luck as he's so handsome and kind, I'm still waiting for a red flag, but starting to think maybe there isn't one?!

This sounds perfect.. long may it last!!!

@Dirtyduck that sounds fab ❤️

@MayEye

I’d recall how badly MrTG made you feel and stick to that - wasn’t it that he didn’t really instigate anything and always came to yours? 🤷‍♀️

Sounds cynical (I am) but I wonder if he wouldn’t mind this set-up resuming as he hardly had to contribute anything tangible and you were taking on all the mental load and organising. You clearly got on and there was a spark (and lockdown etc) but his choice of behaviour was putting it in the casual territory.

whereas with MrLumberjack you have lovely dates and planned nights at his to look forward to, which you’re happy with so stick with that. And even if things don’t work out with MrLumberjack, surely you want a similar set-up in the future.