Dating thread 212 - more milk tray, less flakes

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards sending sympathy about being scared, and having been hurt. I’ve been there, I am there, and many of us have, and are, I think. But FWIW, though there needs to be equal give & take, just because he doesn’t say ‘how high?’ when you ask him to jump doesn’t mean he doesn’t want you, or isn’t serious. I mean, unless he’s being actually flakey.

So (intake of breath) Dr Sends Pics of Himself in Scrubs has got in touch after 2 days of no messaging to ask if I’m in London (I said earlier in the week I would be today — he lives in Lon, I don’t — and I suggested a date, he said he’s tied up at least until the evening. I said I think I’m free in eve, but he didn’t follow up). I wonder if, as @SpringlikeBunk warned he might, he tries to casually lure me to him at the end of the evening. I won’t be agreeing to that. Don’t know what to make of him. I might possibly be on his back burner. He’s quite attractive, though! (Giving myself a talking to about not standing for flakes/players…)

@Shayelle2009 Mr HT is ex army (24 years) enough said.

I'm not sure I've met a more emotionally broken yet gives off very stable man vibes.

He'd never admit he can't handle something

@Shayelle2009

Hmmm...IMO military blokes can be very charismatic/interesting/manly and also fairly "difficult" to date.

That said, you have solid boundaries so if you're intrigued I guess just "take things at face value" - meet if you want to meet and it's convenient but don't agree to anything "because of his job" and do the usual checks and red flag alerts, if that makes sense? "

You're not committing to ten years writing letters to him in a warzone, it's just a date.

Alas Mr Irish is no more, 2 redish flags in 24 hours and with dozens of threads of good advice behind me I told him that it was no longer working for me.

Back to the apps we go ....

@dancemom

Alas Mr Irish is no more, 2 redish flags in 24 hours and with dozens of threads of good advice behind me I told him that it was no longer working for me.

Back to the apps we go ....

Oh sorry to hear that 😞

What happened? ♥️

He made a comment about having my hair a certain way and why would I have it a way he didn't like ... flag!

Then he huffed about a plan to go to the cinema and wanted to watch a movie at his instead when we had already done that last week. Just a few weeks into dating and already showing he was low effort ... flag 2!

Before I might have glossed over these but it's a sure sign that we weren't long term compatible.

Onwards and upwards ...

@dancemom great boundaries, I bow to you!

I honestly had the words of these threads behind me. Wasn't all a waste, learned that I can go for nice guys and I don't need the butterflies, that quiet contentment goes a long way ... but we need to be compatible too!

@dancemom ewww 'yeah and I think you should wear blue shirts instead of white ones' .... just no. After a couple of dates. No.

Well done 👏🏿

@dancemom - sorry to hear that but good on you for calling it.

Had a little chat with a potential iron on POF tonight. Nice guy. Maybe not LTR material for a couple of reasons but open and intelligent, seems a good person

And one of those reasons is that his most recent photo is from 2019....

@BelladiMamma thanks for mentioning the Dreamer/Fantasist book earlier - prompted me to download it and have been listening today. I’d already read the Fallback Girl book but think there’s a lot in this one which really resonates. It’s so easy with OLD to “fill in the blanks”, put someone on a pedestal and waste so much time largely living in the fantasy.

I posted here about a year ago under a different name in the aftermath of my first OLD “relationship” breakdown (love bomber, future faker extraordinaire etcetc) and after another similar experience and then a few months being single, I’m now starting to line up some potentials. Hence the audible download today

I’ve got my first date zero lined up for this Thursday as I’m travelling into London for work; will name him Mr Wildcard. And between now and then will read the rules above on repeat and do my damnedest not to overinvest! Signs are good in that we are only messaging every couple of days, there’s consistency and easy phone chats but nothing obsessive or over emotional about it.

@dancemom Great boundaries. Did you tell him why or just say you werent compatible?

@Dancerinthemoonlight and I met up today as part of the East Anglian contingent.
@Techgirldating was going to join us but had car trouble - hopefully we'll meet soon.

Next East Anglian meet is Sunday 10th October - everyone welcome (location TBC depending on who comes and where they live - we currently meet in Colchester but can change this)

@SortingItOut I told him. He knew I was uncomfortable with the hair thing so when they comment was made about going out / staying in I said that I was disappointed he brought it up in that way instead of communicating properly. He went on to give his reasons for wanting to stay in and I said they were totally viable however they didn't change my requirements and my needs in a relationship, particularly a new one and as such, it looked like I wasn't the person for him.

Quite impressed with myself 😆

I’m very impressed with you too @dancemom - that’s the boundaries and courage we all aspire to - or should anyway!

[quote dancemom]@SortingItOut I told him. He knew I was uncomfortable with the hair thing so when they comment was made about going out / staying in I said that I was disappointed he brought it up in that way instead of communicating properly. He went on to give his reasons for wanting to stay in and I said they were totally viable however they didn't change my requirements and my needs in a relationship, particularly a new one and as such, it looked like I wasn't the person for him.

Quite impressed with myself 😆[/quote]
I'm totally impressed with you!

@Orangelady32

My story is pretty straight forward

Dh and I met on Bumble. Contrary to a PP saying women have to do all the work on Bumble, I don't agree. My opening line to any man on there was always 'Hi (name)` and let the conversation develop from there, or not as the case may be! In my view if men are interested you'll know about it.

I had a fair idea of the type of man I was looking for and stayed focused on that. Dh is the kindest, funniest, smartest man I could have ever imagined meeting and our lives just naturally came together. Of course we have our disagreements but as sucky as it sounds I could never have imagined meeting someone so good for me.

@Orangelady32 your experience of Bumble has certainly given me some food for thought.

I wonder if I'm just trying too hard? IRL I am quite assertive and accustomed to driving things forward, particularly at work. I worry that I'm doing this in my dating life as a sort of default position.

What I actually want in my dating life is soneone who chases me and does some of the running. I'd like them to show a clear interest if that makes sense? I haven't really had that so far. 😕

Maybe I should be less proactive and see if this acts as a filter to weed out the half hearted ones?

[quote dancemom]@SortingItOut I told him. He knew I was uncomfortable with the hair thing so when they comment was made about going out / staying in I said that I was disappointed he brought it up in that way instead of communicating properly. He went on to give his reasons for wanting to stay in and I said they were totally viable however they didn't change my requirements and my needs in a relationship, particularly a new one and as such, it looked like I wasn't the person for him.

Quite impressed with myself 😆[/quote]
@dancemom also impressed!

If he's acting in this way now, can you imagine what he's going to be like once he feels established in your life? Bullet most definitely dodged.

Thank you guys, its taken a while but I think I'm
actually learning!

@Languidleopard I agree! I don't think he's a bad guy, maybe just older and set in his ways but my wants and needs are just as important and I'd rather be single than eventually unhappy.

@dancemom I'm impressed with you🙂
I think his communication style needs working on which is not your job to fix.
Lots of men (and women) think that huffing, moodiness, sulking etc gets their point across when of course it doesnt. Just bloody speak up and be clear about the issue, I haven't got time to play guess the issue.

@dancemom

I agree, those early boundaries and acting on red flags are so important aren't they? Otherwise they build up and then you get to the "he's 80% Ok stage" and you're attached and it's a lot harder to DEtach.

And yy to things like "being set in their ways" just not being acceptable - especially when their "ways" involve controlling the person they're dating!

@Earlgrey19

Yeh he may be Ok but I think "playing it straight" with what you feel comfortable with is the best strategy.

I personally wouldn't want to be constantly "phone-checking" in London in the afternoon waiting to hear from him, having to change my transport plans/get a cab at the last minute etc.

This sounds quite princessy but I'd want to meet someone who was mindful that I had stress during the day too and might want to be looking forward to a civilised drink/meal at a set time, rather than a rushed encounter (or hookup!).