Dating thread 212 - more milk tray, less flakes

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Hope everyone is okay this weekend? I bought myself a new ( to me) car yesterday so I'm happy 😊. Also my guy called me and we spoke on the phone from 11pm to 2.30am.... we haven't done that for a while so it made me really happy... residual add he rang me not the other way round....

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Take the advice you need or like and leave the rest.

What I would say though is be true to yourself. No one is too busy to meet. The PM has had time to conduct several affairs. If you’re happy with a virtual situation, by all means keep doing that, but prefacing your updates with he’s a teacher he’s so busy he has lesson plans,he can’t meet till half term is just not true. Good luck !

On POF is there a way to block personal contacts from seeing you? (Like on Tinder when you can connect in numbers from your phone Contacts, and Facebook Dating where you can control whether Facebook friends see you on there ). Reason for asking is that POF was actually the very first app I ever tried... and within the first 10mins my exH popped up. I deleted my account and the app straight away as I really don't want him to know I'm using the apps. I'd use it if there was a failsafe way of making sure he can't see me on it.

[quote Myfabby]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Take the advice you need or like and leave the rest.

What I would say though is be true to yourself. No one is too busy to meet. The PM has had time to conduct several affairs. If you’re happy with a virtual situation, by all means keep doing that, but prefacing your updates with he’s a teacher he’s so busy he has lesson plans,he can’t meet till half term is just not true. Good luck ![/quote]
Lol the PM ^

Sadly Boris is an illustration of the maxim that if a man wants you, he makes time for you

He's also a sex hound of the worst type ... using power and connections to find booty

Can you imagine him on a dating app 😂 he'd throw some Latin at you then suggest a hook up within minutes 🤢🤦🏻‍♀️😂

@FireandBrimstone

On POF is there a way to block personal contacts from seeing you? (Like on Tinder when you can connect in numbers from your phone Contacts, and Facebook Dating where you can control whether Facebook friends see you on there ). Reason for asking is that POF was actually the very first app I ever tried... and within the first 10mins my exH popped up. I deleted my account and the app straight away as I really don't want him to know I'm using the apps. I'd use it if there was a failsafe way of making sure he can't see me on it.

You can block him? I can't quite remember if you use the 3 dots next to the profile or block them some other way

Ah ok thanks @BelladiMamma, so I'd have to see him come up first to do that - with the risk that he sees me on there before I see him. That might rule POF out for me.

@FireandBrimstone

Ah ok thanks *@BelladiMamma*, so I'd have to see him come up first to do that - with the risk that he sees me on there before I see him. That might rule POF out for me.

He'd have to be online I guess at the same time? And he may have set different preferences?

I've decided it's a risk I'm going to live with. My ex is with someone but I'm fairly certain they're swingers 🤢

Lol at Boris! I think we should all remember that when we get fed the "busy" excuse.

Right, I've really had enough.

You don't need to say it. Mr Gambit doesn't want me.

He doesn't drop everything for me when I call him or jump when I say 'how high?' So that means he doesn't want me.

He got back in touch for absolutely no reason at all.

You're all forgetting what happened with my ex, I met him IRL, I met him soon, I gave love and affection to him... he gave me love and affection and was always there...and he hurt me.

I'm scared of dating, I admit it. I'm scared. I'd rather hide behind a screen because I'm scared. I'd rather flirt by message because I'm scared. So when Mr Gambit does meet someone else, I won't get hurt or anything, because it's only a bit of flirting.

Nobody has, or will ever want me.

@MayEye

Pof is my favourite‘I’m bored and I want to chat to someone and maybe flirt’ app which I then delete😀 I had a great chat going with a guy who lives 200km away, loads of flirting, laughs, he always asking when I was visiting him, I always telling him I was on my way, neither of us expecting it to happen …was fun while I was waiting to meet a real prospect 😀

This is good intel. I feel I'm in this space at the moment.

onwards please don't underestimate how you won't get hurt just because it's only messaging. I got extremely hurt after a long message exchange - more so than if I'd seem him straight away.

What we are trying to say is there's risks either way and your impression of him may not be real, he might not be as you expect either.

I wish I'd done things differently and listened to this advice 😪

If you go into it and just see it as meeting a friend at first would that help with nerves?

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I am resisting commenting on the specifics regarding you/Mr Gambit. And whilst I can absolutely see an abundance of well-meaning observations and advice for you from others on this thread, I can also see from your current perspective and vulnerability, it all feels like one big massive never ending pile-on.

Without wanting to be assumed as yet another voice wading in, please can I urge you to look into proper counselling. It really feels like you have been abused by your Ex and no wonder it's crushed your self confidence. Regardless of Mr Gambit or anyone else for that matter, it feels essential that you have support to get into a stronger place about yourself.

You described a past experience of CBT counselling as one of box ticking. Whatever that was, it wasn't CBT and it wasn't counselling. Your GP must be able to refer you, or perhaps even if you have support for your CF through separate organisations? Please do look into it.
Everyone on here is offering advice from a good place but it feels like you would really benefit from focused self care right now.

Regardless of whether you want to ignore the above -

orangelady I don't remember you...have you name changed?

Sorry, definitely not kidding! 😬😬😬😅😅

[quote Shayelle2009]@BelladiMamma Army boy is asking for my number… nooooo lol[/quote]
Ha where's your burner phone girl 😂

@Walkingalot

BelladiMamma - I've just sent it to MrNoKids! Also great idea about deleting the chat, just so you can't look at it, lol.

If you think they're being flaky saying 'yes I want to stay in touch' you can then go to the 'ok let's meet for coffee ☕️ then as I'm aiming to have irl interactions now restrictions have eased'

That should sort the wheat from the chaff!!

Lol at Boris, he found time even in lockdown🤣

Mr Cricket just sent me a video clip of his cricket coach doing a speech as they got promoted, he gets a special mention as he wasn't there. I know I shouldn't but I laughed and smiled with pride that he got a special mention and they said they couldn't have done it without him.😁

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I got so hurt after Computer Geek that really did nearly destroy me. I met him once but had 5 months of messaging and really thought we might make a go of something, I was probably being really stupid and naive. Mr Cricket is entirely different, we met pretty quickly and kept messaging to a minimum until we had met. I would say after my little wobble over the summer that things are okay with us. Proof above being that he just sent me that video clip. Messaging can create a false sense of something that isn't there.

That's why I think you should meet sooner rather than later. Mr Gambit may be a really nice guy just like Mr Cricket or he may be a mess like Computer Geek.

I also nearly cancelled my first date with Mr Cricket because I was scared. I'm glad I didn't though. Whatever happens between me and him, whether our friendship goes a step further or we stay friends, I know it is genuine and real and I can watch that video with pride.

One last thing don't let your ex destroy your future, I know it's easy for me to say but we all on here have a past. We all have past hurts, there is stuff that I've been through that only a couple of people know about. I won't let it define my future though.

@Isitreallyme177 yes I remember your posts about Mr CG thinking he was playing you. Mr Cricket seems far more genuine. I would try and move things along if you like him more as you don't want him to just see you in the friendzone either (just in case he's trying to meet others). You have to be in it to win it.

[quote Eesha]@Isitreallyme177 yes I remember your posts about Mr CG thinking he was playing you. Mr Cricket seems far more genuine. I would try and move things along if you like him more as you don't want him to just see you in the friendzone either (just in case he's trying to meet others). You have to be in it to win it.[/quote]
Also if you're going to friend zone you might process it quicker and think it's ok?

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

I suppose I'm just worried about showing anyone myself. On a screen, I can pretend to be confident. In real life, I can't.

In real life, I'm likely to stutter and shake, I'm likely to be scared.

I've had dreams where I'm on dates and I just stutter and shake, in one of them, I turned into a jelly!

I never used to be like this.

It seems as if you might benefit from some counseling, has the NHS offered this?

Do you claim PIP as that is intended to be used to help you be independent so could be used to fund counseling, or massage if you think that would help. But it's purpose is to support your independence, so also to pay for taxis etc.

I'm a bit confused why your UC goes on your college fees, I'd have thought someone on UC would get college free. Have you checked that with the college, or CAB?

I understand why you're anxious about meeting. Tbh, even the most hard nosed of us (me!) get anxious. But life has to move on.

I don't buy that either of you can't find time, though agree you need to find a bit of time when you've had less work to do so you're not too tired.

I wonder if it would be possible to take a friend the first time you meet - make it super casual, just say you and a friend are shopping in town and will be stopping for coffee at x place and if he's free it would be nice to catch up in person. If it goes well, friend can "need to nip into Boots" and come back for you in half an hour. Or something like that.

I'm sure you can find an hour one weekend day.

@Eesha I remember your posts and yes looking back I think they needed to be said. One thing I noticed his cricket coach say was that Mr Cricket hadn't been in a good place this season. So I think there may have been some truth with what he said to me at the beginning.

A few mentions of CBT as a therapy but I learned a lot from Transactional Analysis. As someone who had very stunted emotional growth, in all types of relationships, I'd often put myself in the child role to appease the person I was with, and put them in teacher or parent mode. Really unhealthy and lots of "they made me do/feel" type thoughts. With DH we have disagreements as adults and it is so much healthier.

welldoing.org/types/transactional-analysis

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Right, I've really had enough.

You don't need to say it. Mr Gambit doesn't want me.

He doesn't drop everything for me when I call him or jump when I say 'how high?' So that means he doesn't want me.

He got back in touch for absolutely no reason at all.

You're all forgetting what happened with my ex, I met him IRL, I met him soon, I gave love and affection to him... he gave me love and affection and was always there...and he hurt me.

I'm scared of dating, I admit it. I'm scared. I'd rather hide behind a screen because I'm scared. I'd rather flirt by message because I'm scared. So when Mr Gambit does meet someone else, I won't get hurt or anything, because it's only a bit of flirting.

Nobody has, or will ever want me.

He doesn't know if he "wants" you, he's not met you.

I know you're being sarcastic, it's unhelpful to you though.

Of course you're scared, we're all scared. We all get hurt. No-one is "forgetting" what your ex did but we all have exes who've done horrendous things (I give you the ex who shagged my best friend while I was pregnant and away at my sister's supporting her through the birth of her second child; or how about the one who was on a sex hook up site for the whole time we were together, meeting rando women in hotels while lying to me about being away with work? I'm not even sure they're the worst to be honest!) - you have to move on. You have to start every relationship with a clear head and give them a good chance. Not tar them, or yourself, with the brush of a previous relationship.

No-one is telling you he's not interested. How would we know?

But of they're not asking to meet up, I tend to just ask if they are "busy this weekend" and see if that gets me anywhere.

He may well not be asking because you've made it clear you're not ready, and that's fine.

Btw, whatever you said to him last time you were in touch I 100% guarantee it was not awful and you were not "to blame" for contact stopping.

Just addressing some of @VanGogh's comments:

I receive Universal Credit (UC) currently on a 'limited capability.' Rate because I can't work at the moment. I have UC to pay for phone bills, housekeep, and that sort of thing. I have a overdraft that helps pay for my college fees.

I can't get it because free of the type of course I'm doing. My college do have free courses but that's only for enrichment type courses (where you do pottery, flower arranging, etc. Also 16-18 courses are free there.

My college did fund my course last year, but I think that was discretionary, because they funded everyone on my course.

I do receive PIP, but it's transferred to my mum (she's my carer) and it's put towards a mobility car. I don't see that money as it goes into her bank account.

With regard to me and Mr Gambit, when we were in touch last time, I know I went too far with him last time. I was messaging him a lot, I admit it, and I know I pushed him too far, which is why he broke things off with me. I had not long spilt up from my ex, so maybe that had something to do with it.

This time, I'm trying not to message him and try to chat so frequently as I don't want to lose touch with him again. We have similar dating histories, so I feel he understands me a little. I feel that if I want to tell him anything, I won't be judged.

For example, I once told him about me being a virgin. We were talking about it and I wanted to be open with him. He blew me away with how sweet and supportive he was about it.

He accepts my disability too, though I don't tell him too much about that. I'm open about it, but I don't want to feel like I'd be a burden to him if we were ever together.

I have never told Mr Gambit about my ex, because as we originally started taking at the end of October, I'm worried that he might think I was using him to get over my ex (these are just my feelings, I never would do that)

I did have counselling though my GP before (the tick sheet exorcise I described earlier) but I just don't think that worked as a method. (That was when I was first diagnosed with anxiety in 2014, just after I left my previous college)

I know that life has to move on. I know if he didn't want to meet he wouldn't have suggested it, he's probably feeling nervous like I am, or busy, I don't know. I think I need to have a proper chat with him, just to iron things out. It is tricky with my course too, because I don't want to meet and then feel tired or have my aches come on, and of course I wouldn't what to do it if I have too much coursework to do.

I know I don't have the worst ex boyfriend in the world, but I know that what he did has changed me. I wasn't like this before I met him, and I really don't like it at all 😘❤️😘❤️😘

...I haven't told him that I'm not ready, I said I would absolutely meet him.