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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 212 - more milk tray, less flakes

992 replies

Shayelle2009 · 04/09/2021 09:15

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
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6
Languidleopard · 10/09/2021 22:41

@BelladiMamma yeah, it doesn't feel great but I guess as I was his very first match he's keeping his options open which is fair enough really.

I'm going to do as you suggest and send a short message then delete the chat so I can forget about it and get on with my day 🙂

BelladiMamma · 10/09/2021 22:43

[quote Languidleopard]@BelladiMamma yeah, it doesn't feel great but I guess as I was his very first match he's keeping his options open which is fair enough really.

I'm going to do as you suggest and send a short message then delete the chat so I can forget about it and get on with my day 🙂[/quote]
💪🏿💪🏿💪🏿

Bloody rollercoaster 🎢 isn't it

Languidleopard · 10/09/2021 22:47

And some! I have to say this episode pretty much sums up my experience of Bumble. It seems to be stuffed full of shy/angsty/can't really be arsed men 🤣

Walkingalot · 10/09/2021 22:56

BelladiMamma - I've just sent it to MrNoKids! Also great idea about deleting the chat, just so you can't look at it, lol.

BelladiMamma · 10/09/2021 23:05

@Languidleopard

And some! I have to say this episode pretty much sums up my experience of Bumble. It seems to be stuffed full of shy/angsty/can't really be arsed men 🤣
Yes! I agree. Or those who are a bit shy just decide that because it's the ladies' website then we have to do all the work!
SpringlikeBunk · 10/09/2021 23:26

Yeh, often seems on the apps the only guys who are very active are sex hounds pushing for a hookup and the only others are lazy!

Date zero here, well not as in "date zero" but as in sausage-famine. Feels fine actually.

Was meeting new work people on Friday and I felt a bit nervous/anxious (couple of Mean Girl types though I'm not directly going to be associated or working with them)

And a few years ago I'd have felt like I "needed male attention" to make me feel better (got invited into a group of dashing men who suggested I stay with them and party Blush)

But managed to take the sensible path, left early, focussing on sitting through emotions and today a lot better.

SpringlikeBunk · 10/09/2021 23:27

*Thursday - yesterday

OnwardsEverStridingOnwards · 11/09/2021 04:15

[quote Walkingalot]@BelladiMamma - Oh, did you get it off your DD in the end? Or having to isolate because she has it?

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards - I think the issue here is that you've joined a thread of experienced/older posters who have been there and done that. No one means any harm. A lot of us have issues.
I'll share mine - I'm profoundly deaf. I've had CBT through my work place in the past, which was the best thing I ever did. I had become agoraphobic and weirdly it has been an on and off thing all my life. I also have balance issues, have dyspraxia and verbal dyslexia.
It's only through time/age that I've managed/come to terms with these issues. I think what I'm trying to say is that you have chosen to come on this thread so you are obviously trying to reach out for support. You will get it, in spades, it just might not be in the style you are expecting. No one is perfect or without issues. No one knows our full life story. Share what you are prepared to, no more, no less.[/quote]
@Walkingalot the age of posters on these threads is irrelevant to me. As I have mentioned previously, some of my closest friends IRL are older women. It doesn't bother me in the slightest. I also happen to know that a few posters here are in my age range, so not everyone here is older than me!

I've always got on well with older people better than people my own age.

I know that that people on here don't mean me any harm. If I thought that they did, I would have stopped going on these threads altogether.

I've shared some really personal things about myself on these particular threads, so that should show you that I'm comfortable with you all.

I think I just get frustrated with the questions and comments about me meeting up with irons and going on dates etc.

I'm being totally honest, this does put pressure on me and then I start thinking about all the things that could go wrong, and will it be like what happened last time with my ex, etc. Then I just get worried and scared about it all over again.

Just to set the record straight, I honestly haven't dated anyone since my breakup with my ex, and when I do, I want things to be special and different. I don't want to be constantly worrying and fretting all the time.

And when I do get into a relationship, I don't want to be worrying that the other person will cheat on me, lie to me, get bored of me, or go off with someone else, because that's been my experience with men and dating so far.

I have had CBT before, many years ago. It didn't work for me at all. It consisted of a tick sheet, where you had to tick how you are feeling on a particular week. As I felt better some weeks more than others, it just didn't work for me as a method.

I've had counselling too, that didn't work either.

I've also had mentoring (this is going back to when I was at school) which was awful.

I'm on Peroxatine now, which does do the trick. It doesn't completely erase the anxiety, but makes it easier to manage. I know that a lot of my anxiety and depression is down to my CP, which of course no amount of therapy and counselling can fix. ❤️

OnwardsEverStridingOnwards · 11/09/2021 04:19

All the worries I have on the dating aspect are mainly about myself, not really about irons. I do have a lot of thoughts that they are better than myself. ❤️

Campariontherocks · 11/09/2021 07:11

[quote Naimee87]**@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards i can imagine it must be tough to deal with dating and a disibilty but everyone has their individual personality/character which the right partner will accept. Everyone has flaws. For example (i know this isn't a 1:1 comparison with your type of disability but here is an insight into my character) i am the most unreliable person and this is well known in my family/friends. If i promise to bring/buy something likely i'll forget it, i'll make a plan with someone without checking whether it will actually work or forget about it entirely. I'm either really late or really early. I'm prone to day-dreaming/free-association and often this comes across to others as disrespectful because it appears as if i'm not paying them any attention. I never rush and have a hard time to take things seriously. I've worked on trying to improve in these areas (even through work given intense discussions with my boss) but it's just not how my character/personality works i'm just made this way. I'm chaotic all the time. And you sound lovely, got good goals with your studies, always reading a book too, close with your family. Thoughtful of others. So many positives to focus on here![/quote]
@Naimee87 Are you my long lost twin?
Do you have ADHD or ADD? I do and I think it explains a lot.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards
You need to meet and see if there is mutual attraction. You are both building fantasy versions of each other which are bound to become more exaggerated and inflated as time goes on without the grounding of a meeting. There is someone out there for you, but they are a real person with faults and deficiencies too.
We all have faults, insecurities and inadequacies, some of us more than others but the only way to progress is to meet in person.
I am not as tactful or eloquent as most on this thread, but I am not trying to critisise or offend you, just to encourage you to try to ground these conversations earlier.
You have loads of fabulous qualities and there are guys out there who would love to find someone with those qualities.

OnwardsEverStridingOnwards · 11/09/2021 07:15

I wish I'd never said anything now....

I hate this, I really do.

I know you're all trying your best, but I'm so tired of the constant 'you must meet' comments.

Please, just give me a break, please...

Shayelle2009 · 11/09/2021 07:22

@BelladiMamma Ive gone onto plenty of fish this week too. Only been on 2 days and already feeling forlorn because I’ve sent about 5 messages.. not one reply to any of those… had about 100 messages of no one I’m interested in.
Think I’ll delete it as it’s no good for the soul!!!

OP posts:
Shayelle2009 · 11/09/2021 07:23

@SpringlikeBunk good luck with the new job and meeting the new folk. 🌟🌟

OP posts:
Shayelle2009 · 11/09/2021 07:28

I do find if you put men on the spot they won’t answer a question honestly and don’t want to be seen as the bad guy so they’ll say of course I want to be in touch I’ve just been busy… then silence again

OP posts:
Shayelle2009 · 11/09/2021 07:30

Can anyone tell me about men in the army? Never chatted to any before, this one he’s 300 miles away 🙄 but I don’t mind chatting to him, he’s kinda hot 😍 what are army guys like please??

OP posts:
dancemom · 11/09/2021 07:32

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards if you're going to come into this thread, which is about dating, and talk about Mr Gambit then people are going to give you advice, which will be to meet this person. You are blowing this guy up to be almost immortal when he's a very normal average guy with a normal average job, a guy who to us, doesn't seem in any rush to meet you either.

It's absolutely pointless coming on here and asking certain people not to comment on your posts and asking everyone to not mention you meeting him when this very thread is all about dating 🤷🏻‍♀️

Eesha · 11/09/2021 07:38

@Shayelle2009 hey!!! My ex is ex army as was his family. This will sound awful but I feel they look great, very alpha but too controlling/structured with anger issues. My ex did several tours and his friends all seemed very angry or with bad relationships with alcohol. There may be better out there but didn't work for me.

Shayelle2009 · 11/09/2021 07:43

Thanks @Eesha, doubt we’ll ever meet but just curious to know how that lifestyle must affect the personality…

OP posts:
BelladiMamma · 11/09/2021 08:09

@SpringlikeBunk

Yeh, often seems on the apps the only guys who are very active are sex hounds pushing for a hookup and the only others are lazy!

Date zero here, well not as in "date zero" but as in sausage-famine. Feels fine actually.

Was meeting new work people on Friday and I felt a bit nervous/anxious (couple of Mean Girl types though I'm not directly going to be associated or working with them)

And a few years ago I'd have felt like I "needed male attention" to make me feel better (got invited into a group of dashing men who suggested I stay with them and party Blush)

But managed to take the sensible path, left early, focussing on sitting through emotions and today a lot better.

That's a good point about the sex hounds. That was certainly what I found the first time I went on there. With the younger military guy I didn't really mind because he went relationship material for me. With my ex colleague Mr Ginger it really hurt
BelladiMamma · 11/09/2021 08:13

[quote Shayelle2009]@BelladiMamma Ive gone onto plenty of fish this week too. Only been on 2 days and already feeling forlorn because I’ve sent about 5 messages.. not one reply to any of those… had about 100 messages of no one I’m interested in.
Think I’ll delete it as it’s no good for the soul!!![/quote]
I think you may have tempted me to go on 😜

Anyway I'll just check into again today and if anyone looks promising I'll ask for their number - but dang I don't have my burner number yet ...

Getbehindme · 11/09/2021 08:32

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

I wish I'd never said anything now....

I hate this, I really do.

I know you're all trying your best, but I'm so tired of the constant 'you must meet' comments.

Please, just give me a break, please...

OK. Don't meet him.
Shayelle2009 · 11/09/2021 08:48

@BelladiMamma Army boy is asking for my number… nooooo lol

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Dancerinthemoonlight · 11/09/2021 08:59

@Shayelle2009 more often than not they aren't actually single and as they can be posted anywhere in the country and if they aren't married their girlfriend can't go with them unless the buy or rent in the area which if you are being posted somewhere new every 4 or so years can get expensive and keep leaving a job, friends and your support network.

Getbehindme · 11/09/2021 09:02

All these profiles of men claiming to be in non monogamous marraiges/relationships.... can someone tell me if this is reflected in the female profiles too?

Heartbeats0708 · 11/09/2021 09:03

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards by all means do it your way and don't meet til Oct half term or later, it's your life! I think if you're concerned either of you are going to be disappointed in the flesh then it just makes more sense not to prolong it and get (more) attached to him and the prospect of a relationship with him 🤷 delaying meeting won't change the outcome unfortunately, just means it hurts more if it doesn't work out.