Dating thread 212 - more milk tray, less flakes

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@MayEye @SortingItOut in the same club and sending us all some

My ex has continued to surprise and scare me with his fragile MH despite his 'big job'. My DC are trying to find the boundaries but the thing they fear the most is his jealousy

I'm not sure if you remember but I posted about having to take him to court to get his demands re my personal life taken out of the financial agreement

His barrister sat there parroting a load of complete crap that my ex had said to me. When he called me this week to give me a hard time over DD having Covid he even brought it up again 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway he has no legal or other hold over my personal life but the DC are still left feeling responsible for his reactions

It's Fucking hard but every week month and year that passes it gets easier

@Orangelady32

Previous poster here, now married to my old iron

@onwardseverstridingonwards I'm afraid I'd tell anyone to be suspicious of a man who is happy to chat for so long without meeting. You may be hoping that the more you get to know him the less the physical chemistry will matter buy it doesn't work that. Men are normally keen to meet if they don't have anything to hide. You are setting yourself up for pain and heartbreak by putting off that first meet. One of the best dating rules on here is that it's not real until it happens.

Please tell us more about your previous iron now DH!

How lovely to have a good news story 🥰

I really feel for those of your with difficult exes :( my exh may be an unfeeling void of empathy - but he does as he's told (otherwise he'd have to think, shock horror!) and is probably the easiest person to divorce and co-parent with

@Orangelady32

At the risk of repeating myself... we've only just got back in touch! As I've previously said, if people start telling me to meet him or anyone as soon as possible, my anxiety starts to increase, and if that happens... do you honestly think I would feel up to meeting him, or indeed anyone, then?

No, I don't think so, either.

I've never said that he wants to leave it that long, that was just a guess on my part.

I would want to leave it that long if I'm honest, because even though I fancy him more than anything, I'm fucking scared witless. Not of him, but of myself. And if he would still want to know me if he saw the real me. ❤️

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards hi there.I do understand as I'm disabled and have done all those embarrassing things,tripping ,falling , having to sit down then can't get back up!I'm always honest and still go on dates,I'm not looking for a penpal.Just going out and having a coffee or whatever you can manage will boost you so much.

@Eesha has never once been nasty to anyone on here!!
Stop bleating on @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards!

I take my hat off to those of you trying to co-parent with @ssholes and protect your kids in process - and of course have lives in addition. My ex dh is a cheating liar but we co-parent ok and he's never a dick about money and stuff.

No current irons. Chatting - in loosest of terms as so slow - with one but doubt going anywhere. Out tonight in city so will keep my eyes peeled for possible candidates 😄

Ooooh @Slothmomma night out! Love it 🥂

@Slothmomma

I take my hat off to those of you trying to co-parent with *@ssholes* and protect your kids in process - and of course have lives in addition. My ex dh is a cheating liar but we co-parent ok and he's never a dick about money and stuff.

No current irons. Chatting - in loosest of terms as so slow - with one but doubt going anywhere. Out tonight in city so will keep my eyes peeled for possible candidates 😄

So jealous! Stuck on isolation island here

@Slothmomma I might be jealous but have an amazing time 😁🥂

Long time lurker and previous poster - here here @Shayelle2009. @Eesha hasn’t been rude at all and has bent over backwards to apologise and remain calm - even in the face of repeated false accusations and being singled out.

This thread is fantastic for wisdom and common support.

@Caramelblonde I didn't know you were disabled as well. I apologise. ❤️

I have cerebral palsy that effects the left side of my body. I struggle to walk sometimes and I lose my balance a lot. I also can't do things like cut my food up In restaurants, for example, once, when I was out with my ex, he had to cut my food up for me. I was so embarrassed about that.

I also suffer with anxiety and depression, which I'm on medication for.

My last relationship was a year ago, it ended last October. I loved my ex boyfriend very much. I thought he loved me as well. I always got the feeling he was a bit embarrassed by me though, with the person I was.

I met him IRL quite quickly, He made lots of time for me, we went out a lot together, and we texted and talked a lot outside of dating. He talked about wanting a future and a family with me, and I wanted that with him too. I still want a family with someone in the future.

One day, he just said I was not on his level any more and he didn't like me as a lover. This made me so upset that I got really depressed over it, couldn't stop crying and was physically sick.

Then I met Mr Gambit. He made me feel really special. We had a break because I was inconsiderate to him when he was tired. I sent him something when he was asleep, and I shouldn't have.

I saw him on Tinder at the end of August, I swiped right on him. I had always missed him. I thought he'd ignore me, but he didn't. He sent me a message, and we've been taking since then.

It still effects me now. I've told Mr Gambit about my disability but not the full effects of it. I don't want him to regret being involved with me, see me an embarrassing.

He's not a big messenger, but when we talk, he makes me feel better, he makes me feel special and important.

I just don't want to go though what I did with my ex again. I met him IRL as soon as I could, and it all disappeared in the end ❤️

Thanks ladies - out for drinks and a musical and having just listened to the soundtrack I can't wait! 😁

@onwardseverstridingonwards if your anxiety is increasing because people are being honest with you, then you think the answer is for people not to be honest with you?

If you are new to knowing what kind of men you will be attracted to it's all the more important you have that in person meet. Life behind a screen is not real.

Anyone who has faced a fear knows putting it off is the worst thing to do. Your anxiety about that first meet is only going to increase, not decrease.

@onwardseverstridingonwards as someone else who is disabled he will love you for you if he's the right one. Putting off that first meet is not going to change the outcome.

[quote Orangelady32]@onwardseverstridingonwards if your anxiety is increasing because people are being honest with you, then you think the answer is for people not to be honest with you?

If you are new to knowing what kind of men you will be attracted to it's all the more important you have that in person meet. Life behind a screen is not real.

Anyone who has faced a fear knows putting it off is the worst thing to do. Your anxiety about that first meet is only going to increase, not decrease.[/quote]
@Orangelady32 I've said why I'm anxious. I don't want it to get like it was with my ex. I met him IRL, and that didn't turn out well.

[quote Eesha]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards well another poster has kindly let me know it might have been my use of the word delusion or deluded which upset you. I apologise. It wasn't meant to. I'm just dubious with these virtual situations and have friends who have wasted years of their lives on them.[/quote]
@Eesha thank you very much. I accept your apology ❤️

@MayEye @BelladiMamma luckily my DD is off to Uni in a week so she will get a break from her father.

I'm sad about her being dropped off because it will be me and my DS dropping her off and not her father.
In the past when DS went to Uni we all went on the road trip, even when we had split we all travelled, until in the final year after Xmas during his psycho episode he put a tracker in my car.
After that we never did Uni together again.

I actually panic at the thought of him being in my car and I'd never go in his as I have visions of him crashing on purpose.

So her father will go and see her in a few weeks instead, i offered for us all to go in 2 cars but she said someone would drive home alone and it wasn't fair.

Not sure how her father will cope without her (in terms of not seeing her and money as he is on benefits and claims for her as his child and that will all stop) thats his look out.

@Slothmomma that sounds like the perfect night out. Wish I was joining 😆👯‍♀️👯‍♀️

I suppose I'm just worried about showing anyone myself. On a screen, I can pretend to be confident. In real life, I can't.

In real life, I'm likely to stutter and shake, I'm likely to be scared.

I've had dreams where I'm on dates and I just stutter and shake, in one of them, I turned into a jelly!

I never used to be like this.

[quote SortingItOut]**@MayEye* @BelladiMamma* luckily my DD is off to Uni in a week so she will get a break from her father.

I'm sad about her being dropped off because it will be me and my DS dropping her off and not her father.
In the past when DS went to Uni we all went on the road trip, even when we had split we all travelled, until in the final year after Xmas during his psycho episode he put a tracker in my car.
After that we never did Uni together again.

I actually panic at the thought of him being in my car and I'd never go in his as I have visions of him crashing on purpose.

So her father will go and see her in a few weeks instead, i offered for us all to go in 2 cars but she said someone would drive home alone and it wasn't fair.

Not sure how her father will cope without her (in terms of not seeing her and money as he is on benefits and claims for her as his child and that will all stop) thats his look out.[/quote]
Oh god my ex is borrowing my car to drop off DS ... I hadn't thought of the bloody tracker. Where should I look for it after he's dropped it home?!

We are no longer at the stage where we can do anything together. It's hopeless. His MH seems on a knife edge and he can only do his big job because he has a big team and his new live in enabler / housekeeper / nanny / gf

Anyway. Kudos to us for still being brave enough to get out there ♥️

@onwardseverstridingonwards I understand that and hid behind the screen for a long time for the same reason. I appreciate it'll be hard for you and you are busy but even going to a meetup social event or something where people matter less to you could help to confront this fear. Eventually I hope you realise people are just people and noone is better than anyone else. Also I stopped chasing people to stay in my life. Those who wanted to be in it proved it.

We are catholic and it has just been announced that my sons postponed Confirmation has been rescheduled for next month. Ex ignored me when I told him so I am anxious for my son that he won’t turn up and equally anxious about what he will be like if he does.

I have to deal with him for the kids and I am wishing their lives away until my youngest gets to 18 (7 years!!!!) which is not fair on them either.

We sure picked em

@BelladiMamma My ex was not very clever and put a tracker app on a phone which he put in the compartment behind my seat.
Of course the thing would eventually run out of battery 🤦‍♀️

Proper trackers are usually under the wheel arch, boot, in side panels etc

Personally I wouldn't let him borrow the car.

@MayEye

We are catholic and it has just been announced that my sons postponed Confirmation has been rescheduled for next month. Ex ignored me when I told him so I am anxious for my son that he won’t turn up and equally anxious about what he will be like if he does. I have to deal with him for the kids and I am wishing their lives away until my youngest gets to 18 (7 years!!!!) which is not fair on them either.

We sure picked em

I totally empathise. I now email and then almost try to grey rock my own anxiety - oh yeah hi there anxiety, now fuck off again as I'm ignoring you.

It seems to work apart from when I actually end up talking to him.

The thing is. Your DS won't blame you if your ex doesn't come. You can almost say to him, if I've just emailed your Dad to tell him about xyz. I did that recently when my DD was in a play over the summer and then I knew that she knew the ball was in his court. Of course he flip flopped about coming and then eventually decided to come and made a big deal of it the twat.

And yes we do pick 'em. 😂