Dating thread 212 - more milk tray, less flakes

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards of course. I don't really see how highlighting that he could be disappointing for you is actually offensive to you. Anyway, I'll avoid commenting now.

[quote Eesha]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards of course. I don't really see how highlighting that he could be disappointing for you is actually offensive to you. Anyway, I'll avoid commenting now.[/quote]
He won't be disappointing. He's everything I'm not.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I don't see how anything @Eesha has said could be seem as offensive.
You seem to be so focused on you disappointing him but haven't considered the possibility of him disappointing you. I know this will probably come across as bitchy but there is a possibility that he isn't at all like he seems. That his online persona is different to how he is in person. Just because you seem to have a spark in messages doesn't always translate into real life.

Jumping on quickly to wish @kerkyra a happy 50th!

@MayEye I know the conversation has moved on but also wanted to pipe up.

My DD was 15 when I split from her emotionally controlling Dad, as we had shared care I just went out on the nights I didn't have her.
I never went out when she was home (even though she mainly sat in her bedroom).

My DD is now 18 but as my ex husbands only full biological child feels responsible for his wellbeing which I'm sad about.

When my ex went pyscho and found out I was casual with someone things kicked off big time and he attempted suicide, stalked and harassed me so DD didn't see him for months.
This was 18mths after we split.
By then DD knew I had friends I saw and one was more frequent than others so he would come round for tea but not stay over for many months.
Sometimes I would pop to his for a few hours but was always home before dark as DD doesn't like to be home alone.
It was a struggle but it worked, it helped that Mr K is lovely and included her in our chats and we were never affectionate in front of her.

The key for teenagers is they need to know their life won't change and you dont put a man before your kids.
I have always been clear that I won't live with a man again so DD never had that worry.
And now my kids want Mr K at mine before we have big discussions as he generally takes their side 😂

Good luck🤞

@Dancerinthemoonlight on the previous thread, she made a comment to me which I found really nasty and objectionable, and it really affected my mental health at the time. Mumsnet obviously found it objectionable as well, because it was removed.

With this in mind, I really don't want to hear anything she has to say now.

I'm just worried about what I have to offer Mr Gambit. I haven't got a job, I get benefits, I live with my family, I struggle doing basic tasks. I'm disabled, and if we ever were a couple, he'll probably have caring responsibilities for me.

Now, he's got a good job, he's good looking, he's clever... why would I not be attracted to him? I've been attracted to him for months.

My ex found me embarrassing though, just the way I was. I really don't want that to happen again ❤️

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards that doesn't mean he is everything you are not. You are kind, funny and caring. Jobs come and go, places to live come and go. The only thing that is consistent is a person's personality. It comes across from your posts that you are almost putting him of a podium and that you think he is too good for you. Have you ever thought that you might be everything he is looking for, that he doesn't see you the same way you see yourself.
The only way to tell is by meeting and I always go from the meet sooner rather than later as you don't get a false intimacy that way. Teachers do have time to meet during term time. There is after school and weekends.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards my last comment would be that comments get deleted if it's deemed to have offended someone and I really don't believe I would have said anything other than shouldn't you meet this person. Otherwise I'm pretty sure the rest of the thread would have said something! Anyway, you seem to be getting the support you want here so I'll specifically avoid commenting.

[quote Dancerinthemoonlight]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards that doesn't mean he is everything you are not. You are kind, funny and caring. Jobs come and go, places to live come and go. The only thing that is consistent is a person's personality. It comes across from your posts that you are almost putting him of a podium and that you think he is too good for you. Have you ever thought that you might be everything he is looking for, that he doesn't see you the same way you see yourself.
The only way to tell is by meeting and I always go from the meet sooner rather than later as you don't get a false intimacy that way. Teachers do have time to meet during term time. There is after school and weekends.[/quote]
@Dancerinthemoonlight thank you. 🙂Unfortunately, my college term has started as well, so I'll be busy too. His school is one of those 'hands on deck.' schools where there's lots of meetings and things going on. I wouldn't want him to drop everything for me.

I guess I also need to make sure that I'm physically fit to meet him, so no aches and pains and no medication that could make me tired while we're chatting. That's a worry of mine too.

I don't know how he feels about me. I'm too scared to ask him, I think! He did say once that I made him want to be a better person, but I don't know if he still feels like that ❤️

[quote Eesha]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards my last comment would be that comments get deleted if it's deemed to have offended someone and I really don't believe I would have said anything other than shouldn't you meet this person. Otherwise I'm pretty sure the rest of the thread would have said something! Anyway, you seem to be getting the support you want here so I'll specifically avoid commenting.[/quote]
@Eesha you know what you said. I won't repeat it here as I found it really spiteful, but you should remember what you said.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards the only time a boyfriend ever ditched me for another woman I was eighteen, the most attractive I've ever been in my life, had a great circle of friends and an amazing social life.

I was taking a year out between A levels and uni so working, living with my folks so had tonnes of disposable income. I had the body, hair, clothes, makeup and confidence of someone living their best life 🙂

But he still dumped me for someone else. Just saying, shit happens and imo generally when you least expect it 🤷

[quote Languidleopard]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards the only time a boyfriend ever ditched me for another woman I was eighteen, the most attractive I've ever been in my life, had a great circle of friends and an amazing social life.

I was taking a year out between A levels and uni so working, living with my folks so had tonnes of disposable income. I had the body, hair, clothes, makeup and confidence of someone living their best life 🙂

But he still dumped me for someone else. Just saying, shit happens and imo generally when you least expect it 🤷[/quote]
@Languid oh, I know that. I was an embarrassment to my ex, and he just didn't want to know anymore.

I nearly lost Mr Gambit as well, by being embarrassing.

My first boyfriend that I had at college cheated on me, as well, with my former friend who was a pre op transsexual. (I don't know if that makes it worse 😂😂) ❤️

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards with the greatest of respect this is a public forum and a long running thread with multiple contributors, you don't get to decide who can and can't comment on your posts.

[quote dancemom]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards with the greatest of respect this is a public forum and a long running thread with multiple contributors, you don't get to decide who can and can't comment on your posts.
[/quote]
@dancemom with the greatest of respect, I have every right to if they've been nasty and have got a comment removed for it by Mumsnet...

I wasn't nasty!!! I repeat if I'd said anything rude, this entire forum would have responded. You can get them to delete anything if it offends you in particular.

@Eesha

I wasn't nasty!!! I repeat if I'd said anything rude, this entire forum would have responded. You can get them to delete anything if it offends you in particular.

If you've got any problem, you can always take it up with Mumsnet...

And you were nasty.

Long time lurker on this thread,I've always thought everyone very supportive to @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards,and you are very defensive in return.You can't "lose" Mr Gambit as you are not in a relationship with him! You have never met him .The idea that he can only meet up in school holidays is very strange,just after having the summer off.

@Eesha has never been nasty as far as I can see, she doesn't sugar coat her advice which I think we all need to hear sometimes.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I work in education and therefore know plenty of teachers, lecturers and students and they do get time to socialise, I don't understand why you can't meet him before half term. It's not like Mr Cricket who has been flying all over the place, staying in hotels abroad and then has to fit time in to see his daughter. I know it's scary but we don't want to see you get your hopes up only for you to get upset and disappointed if it doesn't go the way you hope.

@Caramelblonde

Long time lurker on this thread,I've always thought everyone very supportive to *@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards*,and you are very defensive in return.You can't "lose" Mr Gambit as you are not in a relationship with him! You have never met him .The idea that he can only meet up in school holidays is very strange,just after having the summer off.

@Caramelblonde we had a break because of something I did. So I did nearly lose him in that respect.

As I've said before, I've never said or implied I'm in a relationship with him, or anyone.

I've said that I've got a crush on him and am attracted to him, but I'm worried about dating him, that's all.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards well another poster has kindly let me know it might have been my use of the word delusion or deluded which upset you. I apologise. It wasn't meant to. I'm just dubious with these virtual situations and have friends who have wasted years of their lives on them.

[quote Eesha]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards well another poster has kindly let me know it might have been my use of the word delusion or deluded which upset you. I apologise. It wasn't meant to. I'm just dubious with these virtual situations and have friends who have wasted years of their lives on them.[/quote]
I can only agree with the virtual situations. I've been sucked in myself a few times and now my rule of thumb is organise meet within 2-3 weeks of chatting and cut them off / don't think of them as a prospect if it hasn't happened within 6 weeks.

The virtual things can play into all of our hopes and desires in a way that just a quick hi how are you / coffee ☕️ meet can blow out of the water.

@Caramelblonde I'm not defensive. I'm just worried about what I can offer him.

You know nothing about me. For me, it's not the matter of just popping off to go on a date. because of my disability, I'm unable to do that, in any case.

It's more about confidence, and not shaking or wanting to cry, or shaking like a jelly because I'm scared, being able to stand up and worry about tripping up or falling over in front of them. Being scared they will hurt me and gaslight me like my bastard of an ex did!

We only got back in touch at the end of August, so yes, he has had the summer off, but we've only just got back in touch. He has been out of the country for at least half of the summer.

[quote SortingItOut]@MayEye I know the conversation has moved on but also wanted to pipe up.

My DD was 15 when I split from her emotionally controlling Dad, as we had shared care I just went out on the nights I didn't have her.
I never went out when she was home (even though she mainly sat in her bedroom).

My DD is now 18 but as my ex husbands only full biological child feels responsible for his wellbeing which I'm sad about.

When my ex went pyscho and found out I was casual with someone things kicked off big time and he attempted suicide, stalked and harassed me so DD didn't see him for months.
This was 18mths after we split.
By then DD knew I had friends I saw and one was more frequent than others so he would come round for tea but not stay over for many months.
Sometimes I would pop to his for a few hours but was always home before dark as DD doesn't like to be home alone.
It was a struggle but it worked, it helped that Mr K is lovely and included her in our chats and we were never affectionate in front of her.

The key for teenagers is they need to know their life won't change and you dont put a man before your kids.
I have always been clear that I won't live with a man again so DD never had that worry.
And now my kids want Mr K at mine before we have big discussions as he generally takes their side 😂

Good luck🤞[/quote]
@SortingItOut thank you. I’m going through similar with my ex and I remembered you posting before about it. I think my DD is most in fear of his reaction too.

I will never see anyone when the kids are here. Mr L is long distance so it’s not like he will be popping by or I would be going to his during the week - only on my child free time unless we do a trip together down the line or something.

My plan is to do as you have, no meeting for a long time then a gentle introduction no staying over for a long time either. No moving in together ever probably definitely not while kids are minors living at home.

I will reassure her of all this even if she doesn’t believe me at the moment and says I will be out every night now since I have a boyfriend now

(Little does she know I have been dating for a year and she never got a hint of it!)

Thanks again for taking the time to post and share your experiences with me. Despite the other conversations going on today, this thread and everyone on it has only been supportive with a bit of tough love thrown in now and again

Previous poster here, now married to my old iron

@onwardseverstridingonwards I'm afraid I'd tell anyone to be suspicious of a man who is happy to chat for so long without meeting. You may be hoping that the more you get to know him the less the physical chemistry will matter buy it doesn't work that. Men are normally keen to meet if they don't have anything to hide. You are setting yourself up for pain and heartbreak by putting off that first meet. One of the best dating rules on here is that it's not real until it happens.

@Caramelblonde and also if you've read my posts, you'll see I'm a student. I'm on a very demanding course, and like Mr. Gambit, I don't get much time off once the course starts.

You will also see I have a disability which gets very painful and can make me feel tired.