Dating thread 212 - more milk tray, less flakes

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Languidleopard I am willing you on from the sidelines, as I'm also thinking I'll probably have to do the same thing with Mr Colleague.

🤞

@Languidleopard - agree with PP, go for it.

I told MrNoKids off for asking to meet when I'd already told him 'not at the moment''. He seemed to take it on the chin but haven't heard anything in the meantime. Feel like I've scared him into submission, lol. Or most likely, he's not bothered. He hasn't blocked me on WhatsApp or unmatched me on FB Dating app. I'm getting fatter by the day with this no smoking thing. So depressing. I just don't feel like myself or that I'd be giving the 'best' version of me.
Do I, would you, tell him this? Is it too a too personal thing to admit when you've never met?

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

I agree with @BelladiMamma - I'm quite randy at the moment, though pacing myself so don't want "casual" and I really genuinely just miss physical affection and touch!

So I've had professional massages - they're not too bad in terms of price, can you budget for one a month at £40? Gentle yoga can be nice.

Basically find ways to enjoy your body and have physical touch that aren't just "does a man want me or not?"

@Languidleopard

Agree - he seemed nice, just ask? Accept it if he doesn't reply or flakes, but at least you'll know. I assume he was courteous/on time/seemed keen when you met for coffee before?

@Dropdeadfred2 well as someone who has always jumped into relationships too soon i’m not sure my advice is worth that much. However i think what might be a good idea is to try to settle into what’s going on with him now and not try to predict/jump into the future. It seems all good and like you’re very much on the same page. I think being just the two of you for now is also the safest/calmest option. Meeting family too soon
can just cause issues (which i am currently facing) I think if you’re both coming from ‘good’ places and are a nice addition to each others lives then keep things this way for now. Re-asses in a few weeks time whether things are progressing as you’d like and if not then you’re definitely within your rights to have a chat about how things are going and what you’d like to happen in the future.

I knew it was all too good to be true…me being happy and feeling settled with an iron that is!

I need the advice of those parenting and dating esp teens because my daughter has thrown a wobbler and I’m not sure how to handle it.
She has been off with me and last night asked did I have a boyfriend, I said I didn’t but I had friend I am seeing
She got so upset, how I’m going to leave them, how she’ll have to manage her dad and brothers because they won’t be happy about it, how I’m selfish only thinking of myself, I’ll be bringing a man here and I won’t care how they feel etc etc.
This was all while I was in bed half asleep so really couldn’t have a proper conversation, she stormed off to bed saying I was a terrible mother

I don’t know what to do! I have no intention of introducing anyone to my kids for a very long time, in fact it’s in my separation agreement that we don’t introduce before 6 months dating and we tell the other parent first.
I feel like I deserve a life outside of the family and my job and I want someone for me, but not at the expense of my children’s mental health or my relationship with them. But if I end things with Mr L now and take a step back from dating am I giving my DD too much power to dictate my life? she’s basically mirroring her father. Or should I put my own needs on the back burner for now and focus on my kids?
Oh why is this all so difficult 😞

@MayEye sorry to hear about that. I have two teenagers and am alert to the possibility of just such a thing in the future.
I think I would try to sit down with your daughter at the earliest opportunity, do not go into any more detail about the friend you are seeing, but fully focus the conversation on having absolutely no intentions of bringing someone new into their lives right now. Things like your priority being that she (and your other children) are settled, establishing your own independence etc.

Perhaps say that part of that independence is having your own social life, and she should understand that. But the emphasis to her should be that, given that you have all just fairly recently got used to being separated (sorry, not sure of timeline and I'm sure it's not very recent), you have no intention of doing anything that would drastically alter the current situation and how everyone is getting used to that.

Sorry, not articulating well here but essentially - full emphasis on stability and reassurance, next to no emphasis on your friend.

First off @MayEye, you absolutely do deserve and have a right to a life that includes time to socialise away from your DC.
To me it sounds like your DD is just scared of the unknown, not specifically Mr L, but what life will look like going forward. She’s already seen her parents split and the changes that has brought and she’s probably imagining that things will get even more complicated and unsettled if you add a ‘ boyfriend’ into the scenario. The teenage years bring lots of challenges for them and for us. I would find a time to sit with her and say that she brought up some things last night that you want to discuss. Maybe ask her what her fears are and say that you understand how difficult it must feel for her since you and her DF separated. Tell her what you have told us about no plans to introduce/bring home etc. Make it clear that she and her brothers will always be your top priority and there is no competition when it comes to that … but that you will continue to go out and potentially date.

Sorry my post ends rather abruptly! Of course the conversation with your DD won’t be ‘ tell me what your fears are.. don’t worry you are my priority… but I am going out anyway’ ! I was just highlighting the structure of how things might go. I’ve had many of these conversations over the last 8 years since my DH passed away. My DDs have always been accepting of my dating but because ( very sadly) their DF isn’t here they’ve not had to negotiate the issue of the other parent’s feelings. It seems that is something your DD is worried about Mayeye. Is DD the eldest ?

[quote Walkingalot]@Languidleopard - agree with PP, go for it.

I told MrNoKids off for asking to meet when I'd already told him 'not at the moment''. He seemed to take it on the chin but haven't heard anything in the meantime. Feel like I've scared him into submission, lol. Or most likely, he's not bothered. He hasn't blocked me on WhatsApp or unmatched me on FB Dating app. I'm getting fatter by the day with this no smoking thing. So depressing. I just don't feel like myself or that I'd be giving the 'best' version of me.
Do I, would you, tell him this? Is it too a too personal thing to admit when you've never met?[/quote]
This was irishflake's reason for not meeting. I tried to tell him I didn't care but he was adamant that it would spoil everything for him

@MayEye you've already had some good advice but just to reinforce that it's good to emphasise the fact that you're not creating a new stepfather situation, you're just carving out a social life and some of the time that will include dating.

@MayEye - for context, who suggested those terms in the separation agreement? She obviously knows you're seeing someone so it seems a bit odd that she would suddenly come out with all those questions. Could your ex have been saying something to her? Or her friends maybe? How you deal with this now will set the trend for the coming months/years so chose your words wisely. And yes, you do deserve a life outside looking after kids/work.

Thanks everyone, she’s still not talking to me, gone off to school pale faced and sullen 🙁

Yes @Onesmallstep67 she is the eldest and seems to feel responsible for everyones feelings. I’m the eldest in my family so I recognise the same bad habits I have too!

I will sit her down tonight and focus on the stable life we have and how that’s not going to change. We have been separated over two years but my Ex has MH issues and apparently has been saying to my DD that I’m probably off with men! He’s another 20 posts worth of angst but I’m trying to keep his potential feelings out of it as it’s none of his business.

It’s such a shock that she is like this because all along I was thinking if things keep going well with Mr L I would tell her I’m seeing someone while still reassuring around boundaries separate lives etc and thought she would be the most alright about it because she knows the most about how awful things were with her dad.

I woke so early upset at the thoughts of ending or pausing things with Mr L which made me feel like the most selfish person ever

@Mayeye you are definitely entitled to a social life and to meet and form relationships with other men. No one likes change and particularly not teenagers, but it's part of life.

My Dd is 14 next month, her Dad and I separated in 2012 and I only started seeing people about a year ago. It's always been me and her and we are a really tight unit.

She was really angry and pissed off when I told her I was meeting up with Mr Breadcrumbs earlier this year and there was a chilly atmosphere for a few days. We rode it out and she came round eventually when she saw it wasn't going to impact on her very much and life went on pretty much as normal.

When we talked things through my Dd's fear was about remembering me being really unhappy when my ex was living here and how unhappy and unsettled that made her feel. She was afraid I was going to turn back into that unhappy person basically.

I think as long as the relationship is a positive one where you're modelling kindness, respect, trust, good boundaries for all involved, (including your kids)then it's all good. You may have a bumpy time at first, but stick with it.

@Languidleopard that’s so reassuring. Thanks so much

Although it’s early days , I actually think Mr L is worth riding out the bumpy road for.

@Languidleopard we're rather similar in that it's just me and my DS (12 on sunday) since the beginning really. His dad has made barely any effort and when we moved back to be closer to my parents he stopped trying altogether. Me and my DS have been joined at the hip and it took seeing the family therapist for her to sort of give me the 'ok' to start to have a life that's my own. But it really hasn't been easy because i think 1) finding time without him to spend with someone else was very difficult 2) what i am currently struggling with is trying to keep the 'we're just friends' going for as long as possible. Currently failing at this. @MayEye i definitely don't think you need to put things on hold with MrL. I agree with everyone else's comments that you need to talk to your daughter about how you can help her feel better with the situation. I've no idea how hard separation/divorce is for children but from friends i think many children cling on to hope that their parents may get back together. Perhaps not at all true in your case though. Your ex does sound like a headache too. I know that my son has always wanted a 'family' unit and i think this is why he has been very curious about who i'm seeing and wants to get to know them quickly. I think being a parent/single mum we forget that we can actually still be 'ourselves' from time to time. And the happier we are the happier the children will be as well. @languidleopard i think this ties in again to how your relationship with your ex didn't feel good for you so of course your DD will pick up on this as well. For me with my DS he too takes on my emotions which at a young age isn't really fair on them but dynamics don't really allow them to be kept separate.

Urg...

And iron send me a video of himself just chatting to me to 'show me his personality' except he was stoned and had a joint in his hand.

I've politely said ... no I'm not 420 friendly. Goodbye.

Now, I maybe have a joint with friends a couple of times a year for a laugh and my disabled daughter is a user, but there was something so unattractive about it - it was instant ick. My first 'view' of him was stoned wtf is wrong with men?

@cravingthelook

Urg...

And iron send me a video of himself just chatting to me to 'show me his personality' except he was stoned and had a joint in his hand.

I've politely said ... no I'm not 420 friendly. Goodbye.

Now, I maybe have a joint with friends a couple of times a year for a laugh and my disabled daughter is a user, but there was something so unattractive about it - it was instant ick. My first 'view' of him was stoned wtf is wrong with men?

Yuk.

@MayEye I agree with everyone else.

Use this as an opportunity to model how a good relationship looks. She also needs to learn you are a person in your own right not just a mother.

@BelladiMamma

He actually said 'I'd understand if it was crack or smack but each to their own' lol

[quote cravingthelook]@BelladiMamma

He actually said 'I'd understand if it was crack or smack but each to their own' lol[/quote]
🤦🏻‍♀️

Yeah, right mate

Biiiii 👋🏻

@SpringlikeBunk Lol I rarely get horny. There's no point!

I'm just feeling quite angry and frustrated with myself that I won't be someone Mr Gambit deserves.

Can't really blame him if he meets someone else really. We're from the same area so he's local to me, and he works with some lovely women as well. 😘😘

@SpringlikeBunk I shall have to see about finances. Most of my UC goes on college fees. Still, that's very good to know. Thank you ❤️

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I think you are setting yourself up for disappointment here. Its pointless beating yourself up about it. Just meet him and make your decisions. You might not even be attracted to him. Otherwise you could potentially spend months stressing yourself over someone who is a stranger rather than someone who might give you what you desire for real.

@Eesha I am perfectly aware what you think of me from last time, thank you.

I know I'm setting myself up for disappointment (probably his.)

And I know I'm attracted to him. I haven't had much experience being attracted to anybody, so it's a rare thing for me. I just worry that I'll disappoint him.

And nobody else probably ever will give me the desire I crave. That's the point.

Now, I would really appreciate if you could personally stop commenting on my posts. You've got nothing nice to say, and I don't want you affecting my mental health again, like last time.