Dating thread 212 - more milk tray, less flakes

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@BelladiMamma lover is factually correct just not sure it is correct in conversation with friends and family
@Naimee87 i can't really think of a term...i just know i dont want to just be a friend.. but i am using not to fret about it cos his actions tell me he likes me ...don't overthink don't overthink don't overthink....sigh

Hey, hope it’s ok to join and say hello to you all. Long time lurker, first time poster in this thread. I’ve been having a cautious (on/off) journey into the crazy world of OLD and have a question for @BelladiMamma (or anyone else who might have any insight) if that’s ok? I noticed you commented earlier about a burner phone and a fake name, is that an actual thing? (or an OK thing to do in OLD world?) I’ve been chatting with someone for a couple of weeks and whilst it’s lovely so far, some of the chats have me wondering if he is using a second phone and maybe a fake name too. I’m not too worried about it atm, but just curious if it’s something to be aware of? Many thanks

[quote Naimee87]@BelladiMamma that's so funny! so had you typed in the wrong number and saved it under Irish(flake) when it was actually some woman's number? That is priceless. Love those kinds of mix ups.
@Isitreallyme177 we sound similar don't we. Can't think of anything worse than having to work in a big massive heaving busy awful crowded dirty city! Definitely stay where you, sounds lovely.
@Dropdeadfred2 do you know what you'd like to be to him? @ApplepieSnapplepie Definitely worth asking the questions going round and round in your head. Even the awkward ones or ones where you're unsure you'll like the answers too. It's the only way to get peace of mind and be able to work out how you'll move forward.[/quote]
Yes 😂
I'm still chuckling over it myself
I'm a big one for seeing the funny side of things so this has actually tickled me pink today 😂

@NewJoolz

Hey, hope it’s ok to join and say hello to you all. Long time lurker, first time poster in this thread. I’ve been having a cautious (on/off) journey into the crazy world of OLD and have a question for *@BelladiMamma* (or anyone else who might have any insight) if that’s ok? I noticed you commented earlier about a burner phone and a fake name, is that an actual thing? (or an OK thing to do in OLD world?) I’ve been chatting with someone for a couple of weeks and whilst it’s lovely so far, some of the chats have me wondering if he is using a second phone and maybe a fake name too. I’m not too worried about it atm, but just curious if it’s something to be aware of? Many thanks

I think it was a suggestion some of us had so that we wouldn't get too invested in

1. constantly checking our phones / having old interfering in our daily lives and interactions
2. for safety

But equally I'd mentioned it might make us appear suspicious / dubious / non genuine to anyone we were chatting with

@Dropdeadfred2 🙂❤️😘

[quote Dropdeadfred2]@BelladiMamma lover is factually correct just not sure it is correct in conversation with friends and family
@Naimee87 i can't really think of a term...i just know i dont want to just be a friend.. but i am using not to fret about it cos his actions tell me he likes me ...don't overthink don't overthink don't overthink....sigh[/quote]
Are you getting to that stage yet - the regular introducing and shared social life? In which case I'd probably refer to him as my bloke & I suppose I'd want him to refer to me as his girlfriend as it's a socially acceptable term and doesn't carry any expectations with it as other terms do eg fiancée / partner / other half

@BelladiMamma no that's the thing ... apart from my neighbour he hasn't met anyone i know and i haven't met anyone he knows. Normally he lives over 160 miles away so it just hasn't really happened ...i don't know what it will be like when he is back home again next week ...

On reflection, I'm very insecure about being a virgin as well. I hate my sexual status, and I'm ashamed. I was going to have sex with my ex (he convinced me to go on the pill and everything) but then he woke up and decided that he didn't want me.

I feel horrible about it.

I think it says something about me when a man doesn't even want to be intimate with me.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

On reflection, I'm very insecure about being a virgin as well. I hate my sexual status, and I'm ashamed. I was going to have sex with my ex (he convinced me to go on the pill and everything) but then he woke up and decided that he didn't want me.

I feel horrible about it.

I think it says something about me when a man doesn't even want to be intimate with me.

Oh I'm so sorry to read that you had that experience with your ex. That alone would be quite traumatising and unhelpful for your sexuality.

Can you think about other ways of getting intimate with someone or even different ways of feeling comfortable with your body? Do you ever get beauty treatments or do a particular activity that you enjoy, that lets you communicate with yourself as a person that deserves pleasure? 💗💗💗

No... it says nothing about you and an awful lot about him!! Don't let it overly concern you... its not a status you have to share share with anyone unless you are comfortable doing so

My magnet iron just sent me a connection request on LinkedIn.

It feels just as I'm moving on he reappears somehow. He's not made anymore contact, could just be being friendly I suppose.

Probably thinks I'm well over it - I should be, it's been soooo long now!

@Dropdeadfred2 have you been having chats about the 'future' you see yourselves wanting together? I think the only way to stop the overthinking is to get the questions that are making you overthink out in the open. You are right to watch his actions rather than his words. But being in a confused limbo state is just never fun.
@Isitreallyme177 my job pays well and my team are lovely (well one is tough) but no complaints! It's just i'm so far removed from the industry we are in and have no 'ties' to it so i'm finding it hard to find the work meaningful if you understand what i mean. I can't change yet to my 'dream' job as i need the income and it'd be a massive pay decrease so while my son's still young(ish) i'll pipe down and get emailing! Definitely cannot see myself in this role forever. When you say brownies, what do you mean? do they have this for adults?

@BelladiMamma @Dropdeadfred2

Thank you guys. I just feel quite bad about it. I've only shared it with a few people. Mr Gambit knows, as I told him last year when we were first talking, and he was really sweet about it.

I haven't had a beauty treatment in a while, but that's a great idea 💡❤️

Thank you @BelladiMamma. That’s very useful

@Naimee87 Brownies are girls ages 7-10, there isn't anything for adults. They do things for badges such as first aid, gardening etc.

www.girlguiding.org.uk/what-we-do/brownies-7-10/

@Naimee87 we haven't really discussed the future as such... we both have children ( although mine are nearly all adults) but his child is very young. We haven't met each others yet...
We have talked about going on holiday together .. even picked the country.. we mention things in the future we would like to do.. but it's very early days... we've only met on less than 10 occasions... it just seems like alot more sometimes

@ApplepieSnapplepie I get what you are saying re. past. I just am not temperamentally suited to multi-dating; I do have multiple irons at times at the stage when there is more potentiality than actual relationship developed, but if it starts to develop I can only invest myself in that person. I realise multi-dating and a lack of exclusivity is common, though. Hope the conversation goes well for you.

This is a great thread. I’m so tired of flakes, although I realise that I probably tolerate them for too long, if they’re otherwise alluring. Some good wisdom there from @Onesmallstep67 re not doing that.

I posted on the main relationship board about being bad at messaging on OLD, and I still think that’s a problem. Either I’m too long winded, which can be boring, or I don’t give enough. The chat is fizzling with Dr Sends Pics of Himself in Scrubs and everyone had attributed this to him keeping me on back burner, etc but when I read through my messages I think I was pretty minimal tbh, even though I was interested. Though really he didn’t give me a great deal to work with.

Just feel is it completely hopeless to think that at 40 I will meet somebody great who likes me too and is not a flake!

@Earlgrey19 - love your irons name! There's only so many responses you can come up with to the same thing. I had similar with MrParamedic. Wtf is that about! The one bonus of being 'older' is that we are not necessarily looking to 'setttle' as we've had our DC and not looking for anyone to 'provide' for us. Look at finding someone as a bonus but not a necessity, that's what I tell myself!

Thanks @Walkingalot, that’s a good point. Need to be empowered.
Feel a bit sexually frustrated though (& casual sex not really my thing)!🤣

@Earlgrey19

Thanks *@Walkingalot*, that’s a good point. Need to be empowered. Feel a bit sexually frustrated though (& casual sex not really my thing)!🤣

Joining you in the frustrated camp 🏕

I'm happy with my life and I'm not interested in sharing what I have ... much ... but a nice occasional lover to do fun stuff would be very lovely thank you very much

Evening all! I seem to have got a bit stuck with Mr Slow Texter and am not sure what my next move should be.

After what felt like a pretty good date zero, we've had some pleasant but sedate texting but nothing from him about a second date. I liked what I saw and would like to get to know him a bit better. I got the feeling he liked me, but he was quite guarded.

To quote another poster, he's not exactly setting my knickers in fire (love that phrase, sorry I can't remember who said it but thank you 😁) but I think there's potential. He was much better IRL than he is via text. His texts are really quite dull and I can feel myself starting to lose interest.

I was thinking of texting him tomorrow to ask if he wants to meet up again. Is this too forward? I can be a bit direct sometimes and don't want to scare him off.

@Languidleopard

Evening all! I seem to have got a bit stuck with Mr Slow Texter and am not sure what my next move should be.

After what felt like a pretty good date zero, we've had some pleasant but sedate texting but nothing from him about a second date. I liked what I saw and would like to get to know him a bit better. I got the feeling he liked me, but he was quite guarded.

To quote another poster, he's not exactly setting my knickers in fire (love that phrase, sorry I can't remember who said it but thank you 😁) but I think there's potential. He was much better IRL than he is via text. His texts are really quite dull and I can feel myself starting to lose interest.

I was thinking of texting him tomorrow to ask if he wants to meet up again. Is this too forward? I can be a bit direct sometimes and don't want to scare him off.

I dont think that's too forward. Go for it!!

@Languidleopard I would ask, better you know either way.

Thanks @Dropdeadfred2 and @Eesha. You're right, I should just ask him. Nothing ventured, nothing gained 🙂