Dating thread 212 - more milk tray, less flakes

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

[quote Onesmallstep67]@BelladiMamma, do you feel that these flakes and boomerang irons are taking up a lot of headspace? I think as soon as it’s clear that someone is acting strangely/playing a few mind games and generally showing traits of their personality that aren’t what you feel comfortable with then there is genuinely no valid reason to keep them around.
And I echo what someone posted recently about one pretty hard and fast rule in my opinion and that is “ if they are interested they will be in touch, say the right thing, make the arrangements and turn up” I tolerated a lot of strange and sporadic contact previously because I quite liked the attention. But when it starts to mither you and make you feel emotionally unsettled then that’s never a good thing.[/quote]
Yes I totally think this! And yes I agree it's match - chat - date zero. But somehow the flakes who flake on you at the last minute are soooo hard to get out of your headspace because it's unexpected.

I have just politely unmatched from MissHazel the self improvement guru after she suggested I book myself a spa day 🧖‍♀️

Yes, fab idea hun, I'll just send you the list of all my scuppered plans over the last two years and you can count up the number of cancelled spa days ... 🤔😷😳🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm so glad I don't have to worry about all the flakes, if that means I stay single so be it. Although there are some nice men at my new gym, now I know where they all go. 🤣

On another note I've just been called about a job, would be a great opportunity but the extra salary gets eaten up by the stupid cost of a season ticket to London, so in fact I would be worse off(it doesn't encourage people to ditch the car). I live in the UK 's silicon Valley you'd think there would be jobs here for me.

@Isitreallyme177

I'm so glad I don't have to worry about all the flakes, if that means I stay single so be it. Although there are some nice men at my new gym, now I know where they all go. 🤣

On another note I've just been called about a job, would be a great opportunity but the extra salary gets eaten up by the stupid cost of a season ticket to London, so in fact I would be worse off(it doesn't encourage people to ditch the car). I live in the UK 's silicon Valley you'd think there would be jobs here for me.

Would you have to work in the office every day? Could you negotiate wfh a few days a week??

Thanks everyone. Mr. Gambit does know about my condition, and he's very supportive. I just don't like talking about it with him, to be honest. I talked about it a lot with my ex, and my ex left me. My ex regarded me as an embarrassment. I never want Mr Gambit to think that. I want him to see I'm worth bothering with. That's probably why I get a bit scared at the thought of dating him.

I suppose I'm scared of rejection and knowing he could go off me and pick someone else. I know I have very little to offer him at the moment, and if he met someone that was more like he is, I would have to go.

You can probably tell I haven't dated very much, can't you?

And yes, I'm fully aware he may not like me IRL. I'm trying not to think about that! ❤️

@Onesmallstep67 this is so interesting because magnet-man's reapearance has just thrown all my hard-work out the window. I read that same advice about 'when communication changes/gets confusing' and there isn't an explanation/conversation you have to have a word with yourself and take the steps to 'get rid.' I was pretty much there having gone through many many really rustrating days, and annoying all my friends with the latest on him/'us' and making excuses for his change in behaviour. Now he's sending kiss emoji's, asking how i'm doing (yes this means i've caved and wrote him) he's apologized for his disappearance. Blaming changing jobs/health stuff with his back. Which ties in with what he was going through last time i saw him. I've no idea what this all means and i suppose as he's got form to vanish i don't know why i'm even entertaining him, i could end up right back in the same head-space i was in before trying to get over him. But for some reason i really really really want to SEE him. I reckon if the MrE stuff was going well i'd not be in touch with him at all.

All this social media linking makes me glad i don't have any. Such childish game-playing to be changing photo's provoking reactions from people. Someone mentioned it's for an ego boost and this would make sense. I've never understood blocking/deleting i was so proud of myself as i actually managed to get to the point where magnet-man wasn't blocked, the two blue ticks appeared from my last message to him and he just slipped down in the list. Now i've his two numbers in my phone with last messages having come from him. It's so confusing.

@Naimee87 I did, yes. It's going to have to be October HT, I think. It's the only time that either of us have any decent time off! I wouldn't want to interfere with his work.

I'm used to it because one of my closest friends is a music teacher. I can only meet with her at half term ❤️

@Naimee87, I haven't really commented on your situation with Mr E and now Magnet man but I think it's probably for the best for you to work through your feelings for Mr E and see if recent events can be negotiated. Trying to work this out while texting/responding to MM is emotionally confusing. I have done this to myself many times, I was a prolific dating plate spinner for a long time but often the conflicting emotions, needs and reactions made me question anything and everything about what I wanted. It was a cycle of excitement, guilt and confusion.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards i can imagine it must be tough to deal with dating and a disibilty but everyone has their individual personality/character which the right partner will accept. Everyone has flaws. For example (i know this isn't a 1:1 comparison with your type of disability but here is an insight into my character) i am the most unreliable person and this is well known in my family/friends. If i promise to bring/buy something likely i'll forget it, i'll make a plan with someone without checking whether it will actually work or forget about it entirely. I'm either really late or really early. I'm prone to day-dreaming/free-association and often this comes across to others as disrespectful because it appears as if i'm not paying them any attention. I never rush and have a hard time to take things seriously. I've worked on trying to improve in these areas (even through work given intense discussions with my boss) but it's just not how my character/personality works i'm just made this way. I'm chaotic all the time. And you sound lovely, got good goals with your studies, always reading a book too, close with your family. Thoughtful of others. So many positives to focus on here!

[quote Naimee87]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards i can imagine it must be tough to deal with dating and a disibilty but everyone has their individual personality/character which the right partner will accept. Everyone has flaws. For example (i know this isn't a 1:1 comparison with your type of disability but here is an insight into my character) i am the most unreliable person and this is well known in my family/friends. If i promise to bring/buy something likely i'll forget it, i'll make a plan with someone without checking whether it will actually work or forget about it entirely. I'm either really late or really early. I'm prone to day-dreaming/free-association and often this comes across to others as disrespectful because it appears as if i'm not paying them any attention. I never rush and have a hard time to take things seriously. I've worked on trying to improve in these areas (even through work given intense discussions with my boss) but it's just not how my character/personality works i'm just made this way. I'm chaotic all the time. And you sound lovely, got good goals with your studies, always reading a book too, close with your family. Thoughtful of others. So many positives to focus on here![/quote]
@Naimee87 ❤️❤️❤️

@Onesmallstep67 it was a cycle of excitement, guilt and confusion yes definitely this! wow so crazy how something you feel only you are going through is happening or has happened to others!

Haha @Naimee87 I'm the same, I'm either really early or late and getting stressed as I'm rushing. I used to get the train a lot and the timings either got me there early or late so I always got the earlier train and ended up waiting around.

I will be there before Mr Cricket on Monday, I've been late every time (accept the first time).

@Heartbeats0708 it's something to think about but I think the train is just too expensive.

Ummmmm ok

I hope this will give some of you a laugh

.... it was actually the wrong number. I just double checked Irishflake's number from the message he sent me from bumble and .... I got the wrong one. So I have apologised to whoever the hell that number belonged to and I've now come to hide on Mumsnet

Like the tool I am

So irishflake has been consigned to the dustbin of OLD history as that's where he should go and I should be ashamed of myself for not checking properly and go get a life

@Bella 🤣🤣🤣 that is actually hilarious. So you've been spamming this total stranger with demands to delete your pictures. What the heck must they have been thinking!

It's ok, we'll keep you covered up here 😆

On a more serious note - I'm glad you've blocked, deleted, consigned to the bin. He has taken up way too much of the headspace that deserves to be instead applied to more positive and mutually fulfilling energies.

[quote FireandBrimstone]@Bella 🤣🤣🤣 that is actually hilarious. So you've been spamming this total stranger with demands to delete your pictures. What the heck must they have been thinking!

It's ok, we'll keep you covered up here 😆

On a more serious note - I'm glad you've blocked, deleted, consigned to the bin. He has taken up way too much of the headspace that deserves to be instead applied to more positive and mutually fulfilling energies. [/quote]
Their dignified silence was all I deserved 😂😂😂

Thank goodness I'm fairly polite and light in the way I phrase my demands but this could have gone a whole other way 😂😂😂

There's probably someone started another thread wondering if her partner has been cheating or something 😱😱😱

Hi everyone!
Just posted this on the general relationships board but not getting many replies and realised I might get more advice from you wise, experienced daters!

I have been seeing a man for around 4 months now. We are long distance but the relationship has been good, he seems in to me, lots of contact, visits and making plans. We met online and spoke for a few weeks before meeting. The first date was one of those ones were you know you like each other right away and everything followed very naturally. I soon "ended" any other chats I had going on online, just for my own sake, as I knew I wanted to focus on this guy. We never spoke about exclusivity but I always felt that it was clear from both of our actions that we were only with each other. He has referred to me as his girlfriend on one occasion, I've met one of his friends and overall I feel pretty secure.

I've now decided to broach the subject of exclusivity, as I realise it's not a great idea to just assume these things. I am pretty confident that he will be on the same page going forward.

My only concern is this: would it be reasonable for me to ask him if he has still been talking to/seeing other people so far in the relationship?

If he has, then technically he has done nothing wrong and I recognise that. On the other hand it would be slightly concerning if he has been this loving and "boyfriend-y" with me, whilst pursuing other women/keeping his options open.

The reason that I would even suspect that, is because I recently went on to the app where we met and looked at his profile, saw that he has updated his location to the place that he moved to just a month ago. (This particular app doesn't follow your current location, you manually set your neighbourhood/hometown.)

So what do you think, should I just ask if he wants to be exclusive going forward and leave the past in the past?

Or is it reasonable to ask if he has been and is still talking to other women, has been on dates etc whilst we've been seeing each other?

It's really playing on my mind and ideally I'd like to have this chat with him before our next weekend together, as the outcome might affect how I feel... Both in our forties, separated with primary age kids. Please help!

@ApplepieSnapplepie hello! There are many wiser and more OLD-experienced posters in this group than me but FWIW, my opinion is to ask about becoming exclusive and not at all mention or ask what might have been happening up for him until that point.

Exclusivity hasn't been explicitly offered or agreed up till now. If for any reason he doesn't positively agree to the exclusivity when the subject is raised, I think you will, by implication, have your answer to any other questions you might have.

Hi All... hope we are all well today? @ApplepieSnapplepie i agree with Fireandbrimstone...i think you can only ask going forward.

So my question is this... what do you call someone you have only really known for a few months ... have sex with... but haven't yet met any mutual friends or family ( for various reasons including geographical). Last night my guy referred to me as an an amazing friend that he had amazing sex with... but we have previously discussed exclusivity and agreed on it... and he has also previously said we are not FWB.... I'm not sure if that was clumsiness .. not knowing exactly what to refer to me as ( the previous night together he had said a lady i like an awful lot)... in my opinion I'm too old to be a called 'girlfriend' .. and we have only seen each other on 8 occasions so far ( Although most have been long weekends) i guess i just wonder if i should feel sad about this... there's not really anything else he could have described me as ...???

@ApplepieSnapplepie I think it would be unreasonable to ask about what he has been doing so far as he made no promises or commitment to you.

If he had been messaging and meeting other people how would that make you feel?
Could you get past it?

Really he hasn't done anything that most on here are doing which is not putting all his eggs in one basket.
Also coming off dating apps too early can be seen as a red flag as it may indicate lkve bombing.

I have a post I share occasionally about questions to ask in a new 'relationship' and I'll post it after this one.

@ApplepieSnapplepie
Here is the post:

Nowadays the questions you need to ask to establish things are IMHO:

1. Are you on the apps? You may need to expand on this as he may think having a profile but not logging in means he is off it. Also is his profile hidden or deleted?

1. Is he multi dating? Not multi dating doesnt mean you are boyfriend/girlfriend, it just means he isnt dating others?

Does he envisage he wants to multidate now or in the future?

1. Are you exclusive? This is different to the boyfriend/girlfriend question. Is he chatting/flirting/sexting/emotionally or physically intimate with anyone else?

Some people think exclusive is sexual exclusivity but I think sexting others is not an exclusive behaviour.

1. What are you? Casually dating? Going with the flow? Boyfriend/girlfriend?

Lots in between all those too.

1. For further down the line....what do you think is cheating? Years ago I never thought I'd have this conversation with someone but after my husband emotionally cheated I felt I should and so Mr K and I had the chat once we'd had the exclusive and boyfriend/girlfriend chat. It was important for me (and him actually) that we had similar views on what constituted cheating and what was acceptable behaviour.

Think about what you want now and in the future and your answers to those questions and then ask him.
If you're intimate already then questions 1 -3 are perfectly fine to ask for now.

Question 4 can come later or if 1 - 3 go well.

@BelladiMamma That is hilarious 😂

@SortingItOut

Thank you, that's really helpful! I think that you are right that it would be unreasonable of me. It's just that it would feel like he has been disingenuous if he has been dating others, as it wouldn't at all match up with his actions and the way that we speak to each other. So even if he technically hadn't done anything wrong it would say something about his feelings towards me.

If he had been matching and having the odd chat online I could probably understand. If it transpires that he was on a date last week then I would probably be reconsidering the whole relationship!

However I probably have to accept that we weren't technically exclusive and that I shouldn't dig up the past and just look forwards.

@ApplepieSnapplepie I agree with @FireandBrimstone in principle but curiosity would likely get the better of me. Had you discussed app use? I'd have thought at 3 months in (when he changed his location) this convo would have come up naturally.
@Dropdeadfred2 I'm not sure you can be too old to be a girlfriend but the situation you describe sounds a lot like fwb an amazing friend that he had amazing sex with so if you're not too happy about that I'd say now is the time to bring it up.

@Dropdeadfred2

Hi All... hope we are all well today? *@ApplepieSnapplepie* i agree with Fireandbrimstone...i think you can only ask going forward.

So my question is this... what do you call someone you have only really known for a few months ... have sex with... but haven't yet met any mutual friends or family ( for various reasons including geographical). Last night my guy referred to me as an an amazing friend that he had amazing sex with... but we have previously discussed exclusivity and agreed on it... and he has also previously said we are not FWB.... I'm not sure if that was clumsiness .. not knowing exactly what to refer to me as ( the previous night together he had said a lady i like an awful lot)... in my opinion I'm too old to be a called 'girlfriend' .. and we have only seen each other on 8 occasions so far ( Although most have been long weekends) i guess i just wonder if i should feel sad about this... there's not really anything else he could have described me as ...???

I'd go for lover ... which is a word that works for me, but maybe not everyone? X

@BelladiMamma that's so funny! so had you typed in the wrong number and saved it under Irish(flake) when it was actually some woman's number? That is priceless. Love those kinds of mix ups.
@Isitreallyme177 we sound similar don't we. Can't think of anything worse than having to work in a big massive heaving busy awful crowded dirty city! Definitely stay where you, sounds lovely.
@Dropdeadfred2 do you know what you'd like to be to him? @ApplepieSnapplepie Definitely worth asking the questions going round and round in your head. Even the awkward ones or ones where you're unsure you'll like the answers too. It's the only way to get peace of mind and be able to work out how you'll move forward.

@Naimee87 we do don't we 😄. I like where I work(when I actually get back to the office). The job is nice, people are nice, it just doesn't pay enough. The last thing I want to do is spend 90 minutes on a train there and back every day(3 hours travelling 😫). I'm home within 20 minutes right now. I can go to the gym, do Brownies etc. My limit for jobs is the same as with my dating 30 minutes or so in the car max.