Dating thread 212 - more milk tray, less flakes

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

*I've met someone else, I mean.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

I'm feeling a bit all over the place. Was just in the car with my mum and we had a one of my Spotify playlists on, and the song 'Never Forget You.' by The Noisettes came on. I started crying because it reminded me of Mr. Gambit for some reason.

I'm thinking about him a lot at the moment. Sometimes I get really excited at the prospect of dating him, other times I feel like we shouldn't date, because if we become a couple, he'll maybe end up being my carer.

I feel angry and so sorry for him thinking about that. He's got a busy life, why should he potentially take care of me?

Sometimes I feel like telling him to forget he ever knew me and go and find a able boiled woman with a career and prospects, because I feel I'm going to ruin his life.

For example, both me and him would like to have a family in the future, but I get scared thinking about looking after a child.

He'll probably find another woman he likes better soon, anyway ❤️

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Taking that first risky step towards opening your heart and bring vulnerable with someone is incredibly hard. I say this as someone who hasn't had a relationship for more than 10 years. Mainly because I'm too scared 😬

At the moment it sounds like you're torturing yourself by imagining all the reasons he may reject you, that it wouldn't work, that he'd ending up choosing soneone else, and it must be making you feel very rubbish.

Remember if you dated this guy you may in fact decide you don't fancy him as much as you thought, you don't connect IRL, or it just doesn't work for whatever reason!

It sounds like you've put him on a bit of a pedestal and yourself down in a ditch. The truth is you're both imperfect.

Your CP is part of you - part of the unique combination of qualities that add up to amazing you.

Yes, he may find another woman that he likes better just as you may find another man.

Only way to find out is to meet him and decide whether he's worth pursuing. To quote the thread rules- remember you are the prize, perfectly imperfect just as you are 😊

Thanks @Languid. He has spoken about taking care of me, but I don't know if he means it.

I trust him, but I don't know if he'd want to have the burden of taking care of me. And if we do have kids, what then?

Another thing I'm worried about is his family (and him) are quite high achievers, And I don't know if his family would like me. I'm a student who lives with their family, and I've not worked for two years. ❤️

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards - so he knows about your disability but you haven't met in RL? He's seen your dating profile though and he's been communicating with you? That's a positive. Run iwith it and meet him.

And if his high achieving family don't like you because you're a student , live with your family or don't work and this impacts his opinion of you them you have honestly dodged a bullet.

None of the things you mention are valid reasons to dislike someone.

I think you need to pull him gently down from that pedestal by meeting him IRL and keeping an open mind until then.

[quote Walkingalot]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards - so he knows about your disability but you haven't met in RL? He's seen your dating profile though and he's been communicating with you? That's a positive. Run iwith it and meet him.[/quote]
@Walkingalot yes, we met on Match last October. Started taking, had a break (which was my fault) I then found him on Tinder and swiped right on him. (I've fancied him since we first started taking) and then he sent me a message on Tinder, and we've been back in touch since then.

He's the only man I would feel comfortable about going on a date with and potentially having a relationship. He said that it was a sign finding me again.

I suppose I'm just feeling scared. I felt the same way when I was going out with my ex as well. I used to have dreams about him leaving me. ❤️

@Languidleopard no, Mr Gambit likes me. I'm just scared about his family not liking me if they met me.

I don't know them, but I've seen them on social media, and he's mentioned them, of course ❤️

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards - There's only one way to find out! Meet. You might not like him and don't forget, you are the prize!

[quote Walkingalot]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards - There's only one way to find out! Meet. You might not like him and don't forget, you are the prize![/quote]
@Walkingalot okay, you've convinced me! Seriously, you've made me feel a lot better. Thank you. ❤️

Big thanks to @Languidleopard too, for all her support.

I've just checked out the term dates for his school, and it looks like we're off at the same time at half term. I'm going to ask him if we can meet up then 🤞🏻❤️

Update: I'm back home after a lovely night out with my guy. Drinks..a meal.. then amazing sex. I'm a happy bunny 🐰

@Dropdeadfred2

Update: I'm back home after a lovely night out with my guy. Drinks..a meal.. then amazing sex. I'm a happy bunny 🐰

@Dropdeadfred2 that's great! 😀❤️

...that's what I want to happen for me one day ❤️

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

...that's what I want to happen for me one day ❤️

Thank you!! It will I'm sure!!

@Dropdeadfred2 yay 💗

@Walkingalot i never do much for my birthday really i prefer the more family themed 'celebrations' the best, particularly Easter as its just a chocolate fest! This year was the first where we didn't have the great British cadbury's easter egg sets. You just couldn't get them here due to awful governing by complete idiots. And I agree with you 100% this thread is so different to many others that i have read on MN. I tend not to post on many either as the way some people are treated is insane, some people can be so nasty when their identity is hidden. And also even though i'm nowhere near the youngest on this thread i really appreciate all the advice from all the different age groups we have here i think it's so valuable.
@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards you're an over-thinker like me and this will only bring you down and you'll doom things before they have even begun. If you are regularly in touch and he's aware of your situation then you'll have to find ways to accept things as they are for now until you meet. I suppose nerves/anxiety/excitement are all part and parcel of dating at the beginning, but all the worrying about what 'might' happen will seriously take a toll on your mental health. Didn't you say 'so far, so good,' and you're working on finding a date that works for you both given him teaching and your studies.

@BelladiMamma

Oh god I feel sick

I looked up Irishflake on WhatsApp and he's got a woman's selfie on his profile pic.

What the hell is that all about? He's cat fishing? Or he's got a new woman?

She's a real looker too ...

Fuck I want to personally go into his phone and delete every single selfie etc I ever sent him. I genuinely want to puke

Oh god . Sorry i just saw this reading back through what i missed yesterday... how can you find out who she is???

@BelladiMamma Could you screen shot the profile photo and upload to tineye.com and that will tell you if the photo is on the internet anywhere else.

That is weird @BelladiMamma and I'd do tineye/reverse image search. It sounds like it could be a provoking game too, just don't know why else he'd do it.
@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards you've had some excellent advice, i won't add much to it other than to say that, as someone facing a disability diagnosis, I can understand the carer guilt. But it truly is up to him, and it isn't like you haven't been honest. Keep in mind that you might not feel a click irl too, it's just as much your choice
Love the range of ages/approaches/experiences on here too! Good to get different perspectives on all things dating/life related and it's definitely the friendliest corner of MN.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I’ve been lurking for some time & wanted to reiterate that your worth is not defined by whether Gambit/anyone chooses to pursue a relationship with you. I say this with kindness and empathy. I have MS. Diagnosed early 30’s just as I felt ready to settle down and have a family. Needless to say, that didn’t happen. Now I’m mid 40’s, and decided to dip my toe into OLD last year. Whilst I am very settled and really content with my life, I struggled for so long believing I had little to offer anyone in a romantic relationship, why would anyone want to be with me knowing what is in store in the future? I dated a little bit, had a 6 month relationship (situationship?) and have actually realised firstly that if someone can’t see beyond the condition, they are never going to be a good fit for me. It doesn’t make them a bad person. Secondly, your worth is centred more around who you are as a person. Not the body you have, functioning well, or not. It’s taken me a while to realise that. I think you’ll find that you have so much more to offer than the majority of men you meet. Stay positive.

@bangheadhere40 I’m in Southern Scotland. Perhaps our dating range overlaps 🤣. If I set my distance above 40 miles I’ll take in both Edinburgh and Glasgow, but the reality is that travel times are massive. I did have a ‘thing’ with someone for a while, but it was 1.5 hrs drive away!

@belladimamma ignore the profile pic - sounds like game playing to me like what Mr widow did with me (my "what if" that kept reeling me back in when he wanted an ego boost) who deleted me on social media then liked a pic recently so I'd notice his profile pic was him loved up with another woman. I've blocked once and for all as don't do games

Last nights date was nice. Nice food in one of my favourite little pubs, sat outside in lovely weather but whilst he was good to chat with there was no spark and it was like catching up with an old friend - although we have "known" each other for 2 years although never previously met

I've looked on Tineye and Google reverse search. Nada.

Looks just like the sort of selfie a woman would send him for OLD.

I've sent him a message congratulating him on his new gf. He's picked it up. I don't know whether or not to bother asking him again to delete any selfies I sent him. If he's a bona fide weirdo he'll probably just ignore.

I will leave him unblocked today to see if I get an answer and then block and delete.

Just leaves such a nasty feeling / taste in your mouth.

At least with BeardFlake because we were meeting up where we had to book things he had actually sent me his ID and banks details which is pretty trusting.

With irishflake I have his soundcloud and he sent me his Instagram profile. However he's now blocked me on Instagram.

[quote Slothmomma]@belladimamma ignore the profile pic - sounds like game playing to me like what Mr widow did with me (my "what if" that kept reeling me back in when he wanted an ego boost) who deleted me on social media then liked a pic recently so I'd notice his profile pic was him loved up with another woman. I've blocked once and for all as don't do games

Last nights date was nice. Nice food in one of my favourite little pubs, sat outside in lovely weather but whilst he was good to chat with there was no spark and it was like catching up with an old friend - although we have "known" each other for 2 years although never previously met[/quote]
Thank you. That's reassuring.

And what a nice date zero! Good for you for having a lovely night out but sorry that there's no spark ⚡️... maybe because it's been so long?

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I hope you get to meet your iron soon & that you can also realise you're the prize.

If you look at all of our different experiences you can see how often there's no spark so just remember that in real life, you'll be doing the choosing and you may or may not like what you see.

Which is my excuse for having so many irons 🤔😂 as half of them are duds! 💗

@BelladiMamma, do you feel that these flakes and boomerang irons are taking up a lot of headspace? I think as soon as it’s clear that someone is acting strangely/playing a few mind games and generally showing traits of their personality that aren’t what you feel comfortable with then there is genuinely no valid reason to keep them around.
And I echo what someone posted recently about one pretty hard and fast rule in my opinion and that is “ if they are interested they will be in touch, say the right thing, make the arrangements and turn up” I tolerated a lot of strange and sporadic contact previously because I quite liked the attention. But when it starts to mither you and make you feel emotionally unsettled then that’s never a good thing.