Dating thread 212 - more milk tray, less flakes

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@FireandBrimstone thank you. I'm not quite sure I'm back to the fitness level required for HIIT yet but I'll give it a go and was reliably informed today that I won't be the worst lol. I'm doing classes this week and may give AMRAP (as many rounds as possible) a go on Thursday as on Saturday I'll be getting my programme and he is also going to advise me to do a boxing class as part of my programme. I feel silly getting excited about exercise but I'm feeling really positive about things right now. Legs Bums and Tums is a good class too.

@MayEye @EchoElephant lovely updates keep 'em coming 🤞🏽❤️

Mr Penpal initiated today. Sigh.

How long do I allow this for

@EchoElephant

I need another name for Mr Bad Kisser. Because I think I've just re-educated him this evening. And he is a fast learner!! He was also a lot better at asking questions rather than just talking about himself. He seemed less nervous than last time.

I'm in the weird position of actually looking forward to seeing him again. Haven't felt like that about a date for a long, long time.

@EchoElephant omg that's pretty impressive 😊 Yay for sorting out the kissing!

Sounds like he was just nervous?

Quick update from me...

I whatsapped Mr Slow Texter to say thanks for a great afternoon and send him a link to a book I thought he might like. He whatsapped back to say thanks back and sent me a link to something else we'd talked about. And we swapped a couple of messages this eve. Feeling a bit friendzoney thus far.

Mr Nigtshift sent me a good morning message completely ignoring my question asking about the distance issue which I asked on Friday 🤔 Haven't replied yet. He's very nice, very polite, but there's definitely something up.

Up date ... so today i sent my guy a few messages asking if i could see him tonight or another night this week. I dudnt hear from him all day. I saw that he was on whatsapp and must have read them but was determined not to stress or get manic about it. At 7.45 he finally called me...i assumed it would be to apologise and say he was too tired ( very long days at work atm) so when he rang id already taken myself off to the supermarket. ... anyway just back home from seeing him. All good.

Happy belated Rosh Hashana @BelladiMamma! Here’s to hoping this marks a great new start for all of us.
In normal times I work in a buzzing office and have a really good friendship group in there. I have hugely missed that the last 18 months and will just be so excited to see everyone again. It’s made me realise how valuable the friendships are when you don’t have a relationship. When you’re busy and surrounded by great people everyday you don’t think so much about a boyfriend.
I have learnt an incredible amount about myself in these last 18 months of solitary confinement lol… that if I can get through this, I get through anything…

@FireandBrimstone and @Languidleopard i think it was one of you or both who were discussing text/chat styles and all this experience with MrE has got me thinking constant contact is not good. I think txting should really be kept to a minimum because when you're constantly in touch and updating one another on your every-step the minute this changes all sorts of crazy negative scenarios suddenly flood into your head. Before you know it you've turned into a 'bunny-boiler' and scared them off. (talking from experience here and me just being too available)
With MrElf it was just constant text and although at the beginning i appreciated it, there were a few mornings/evenings where i just got on with my own stuff rather than engage with him and i was much calmer/relaxed. With magnet-man (shock reappearance man) he's a slow texter and i used to drive myself mad waiting/wondering why he wasn't responding. But i seem to be over that and accept the fact that no matter what i do i can't change when/if he'll text me back. So no point in putting everything on hold. I've mentioned earlier that all this ability to see online statuses and last seen and live locations is a form of stalking and only adds massively to anxiety/worry. Which is terrible. I think MayEye (hope i didn't muddle) mentioned with her man he's not a big texter but a checkin every so often or quick call every few days is enough and this sounds very healthy.

With MrE we're supposed to meet tonight and i'm pretty sure he is aware why. I'm still feeling really positive about ending things. I'll be able to throw myself back into truck stuff and seeing some friends that i've not caught up with in a while. Definitely not interested in searching for anyone to date for a long while. I just end up in the exact opposite position i want to be in or forsaw happening.

Good luck tonight @Naimee87 with mr elf

As for me I decided not to see Mr tall again. I'm not fussed enough about being in a relationship to want to try and make something work if it isn't exciting me I guess. He was a nice guy but I was unsure and there were added complications like not being divorced yet that I just don't want to be involved with. He was nice about it.

Mr local has already cancelled Wednesday night meet again due to work this time so seems to be a time waster. Shame as I really do fancy him.

A zombie iron has reappeared though that I never got round to meeting a few years ago but we stayed in occasional contact over social media. Hes now got his life in order and has asked for a meet. I have wed free now so have agreed 😄 i have no expectations so feel quite chilled about this meet

Sending you some strength for your conversation with Mr E @Naimee87💪

Very intense texting is now an amber flag for me. It just isn't real and creates a false sense if intimacy which has the potential to really fuck with your head imo.

And to prove the point, Mr Nighshift has unmatched me this morning 🙄 it's definitely for the best and saves me from having to compose a thanks but no thanks message.

@Naimee87 good luck tonight, I hope it goes okay.

@Slothmomma can I ask, why was him not being divorced a complication? I see people say this so often.

I'm not divorced but we have been separated for 3 or 4 years (I actually can't remember) for us it's a matter of getting the paperwork done everything else was done and dusted ages ago. I think Mr Cricket did ask and I was honest. In no fault divorces you have to live separately for two years before you can even do the paperwork anyway.

@Isitreallyme177 I’m not divorced either although very much separated and never going back there. It’s pretty common in Ireland actually to be separated and not proceed to divorce for a long time as the law only changed relatively recently to allow for divorce after 2 years separation- it was 4!

I can see why some people would be put off by the non divorced status though when there are kids involved, asset division and financials to be sorted etc as you risk getting involved in a messy situation. I’m in the process of that at the moment but I’m lucky that my ex is not difficult in relation to this ( just everything else!!!)

@Shayelle2009 thanks for the New Year message and I hear you re the busy office and getting through lockdown! I think this has been the case for lots of people on the apps and even though I went into it with the 'meet for coffee or walk and be chilled' approach, I've definitely slipped into over texting or being very available because everything else has been so quiet

@Languidleopard and @Naimee87 you make a good point about texting. I hated it when MrBear was texting me every hour. So pointless half the time 'having a coffee break now' / 'DC1 has just come home'. Just texting for the sake of texting. I tried to change it but he wasn't a great listener and this was one of things we were incompatible in. It's immaturity/control/neediness or just plain boredom which becomes in itself, boring

Here I have to fess up again to being a big communicator. However I'll never text inanities, I'll take a funky photo of something I've seen and send it with a couple of sentences and not expect anything back. I prefer the convo every few days and some nice meaningful engaging comms in between. Doesn't have to be emotions either I'm genuinely more interested in how someone is spending their day or something that's made them laugh.

@Isitreallyme177 I think as most people have had a fairly shit experience of divorce they're wary of living through it again, even from the sidelines

@Slothmomma annoying some of these irons aren't they?! At least you're working through them with your boundaries intact

Thanks @BelladiMamma @MayEye I hadn't thought that what I see as paperwork might put some people off. We are well and truly over, I am definitely not going back there, we just don't have the spare £500 (or whatever it is) to get it done. We keep talking about it and something always needs paying for.

@Isitreallyme177

Thanks *@BelladiMamma* *@MayEye* I hadn't thought that what I see as paperwork might put some people off. We are well and truly over, I am definitely not going back there, we just don't have the spare £500 (or whatever it is) to get it done. We keep talking about it and something always needs paying for.

I just think that if you've been through it you know that 1. It's important for moving on

1. Once everything goes down on paper and becomes final it can spark a lot of emotions

Following all your adventures with interest - good luck with MrE tonight Naimee

I'm off the apps and have entered my child free week with no plans so have joined a local MeetUp and I'm going to a quiz night tonight. Love a quiz... They do lots of daytime activities and I live in Retirementland so a bit worried that as a single mum of teenagers, working full time, I'll have very little in common with them. But I live where I live and I need a social life so I'm giving it a go.

Sitting at my laptop and have keyboard issues with punctuation!! I am definitely an over-texter and had to learn to tone this down and not let silences or unread messages impact my whole day which previously they did! It's so hard though because i do still think if someone cares they find the time to text and check-in to see how you are regardless of if they've had a good day or not/busy day etc! I've no real advice here either other than i know what it's like to be anxious/frustrated/nervous and annoyed all at the same time because you haven't heard from the one person you really wanted to! I think @BelladiMamma mentioned she wouldn't insitigate text conversations and i think from now on whenever i decide to get back into the dating-scene i'll take this approach as well! It's insane the power of messages these days! But equally all the texting with MrElf was not ideal! It got exhausting/draining! I tend to think now those couples who can relax and let days pass without texts are in more stable relationships as the constant need for reassurance isn't there Having to do this all the time with MrElf was such a massive turn-off! I never want to come across like this in the future!

Aaaargh DD just tested positive for Covid

@BelladiMamma

Hope all ok - just focus on practical stuff.

Yy @Shayelle2009

I think I’ve been meeting dates in a kind of social “FOMO” context (and feeling a little bit jealous they’re often away and doing stuff and part of big work communities) as my life has been socially sparse/quiet and work is quite solitary?

I mean I like introverted stuff like going walks and art galleries but the vibe you get as part of a bonded social group is totally different!

(That said I don’t really have the personality to work on a navy ship or a big employer I’d feel claustrophobic!)

But I’ve got some genuine social stuff I’m looking forward to with people I have stuff in common with and like you say that stops the overthinking about dates.

Oh no @belladimamma - are you feeling ill with it or just random testing?

@isitreallyme177 I usually avoid ones not ready divorced because I know how draining/messy/complicated it can be and just don't want to go through it again - even as just an observing party. Worse with mr tall though as he mentioned when we met that his ex had said he can say if he's seeing anyone. He said that she thinks that's the reason he ended the marriage but it isn't. However I didn't want to get involved where an ex thinks someone else was the reason for the marriage ending and maybe file for adultery and name me! Having been cheated on its nothing something I want to be dragged into.

Hi everyone,

Just thought I'd quickly pop in to wish @BelladiMamma's daughter a speedy recovery.

Nothing much to report. Mr. Gambit and I are back on WhatsApp again. He's back at work now, so I'll probably catch up with him at the weekend.

Back at college tomorrow. Am feeling really nervous. The units look incredibly long and involved. What am I letting myself in for, I wonder? ❤️

@Slothmomma

Oh no *@belladimamma* - are you feeling ill with it or just random testing?

@isitreallyme177 I usually avoid ones not ready divorced because I know how draining/messy/complicated it can be and just don't want to go through it again - even as just an observing party. Worse with mr tall though as he mentioned when we met that his ex had said he can say if he's seeing anyone. He said that she thinks that's the reason he ended the marriage but it isn't. However I didn't want to get involved where an ex thinks someone else was the reason for the marriage ending and maybe file for adultery and name me! Having been cheated on its nothing something I want to be dragged into.

I'm going to take a PCR test out of an abundance of caution... feeling fine so far

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Hi everyone,

Just thought I'd quickly pop in to wish @BelladiMamma's daughter a speedy recovery.

Nothing much to report. Mr. Gambit and I are back on WhatsApp again. He's back at work now, so I'll probably catch up with him at the weekend.

Back at college tomorrow. Am feeling really nervous. The units look incredibly long and involved. What am I letting myself in for, I wonder? ❤️

Thank you 😊

@BelladiMamma ❤️🥰😘