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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he lecherous?

158 replies

Backtoblack1 · 03/09/2021 23:18

Been seeing a guy for 11 months. He has 2 daughters aged 20 and 23. He dropped off one of his daughters and her friends tonight for a night out. Made a point of telling me that one of the friends he’d never noticed before but she had very large breasts and her top was struggling to maintain them. Then he said she sat in the middle of the back seat and he could see her and her breasts in the mirror. I didn’t know what to say but felt awkward and uncomfortable that he said it. There seems to be regular comments about younger women. Is he doing it for a reaction or is he a lech? How would you react if you partner said that?

OP posts:
Firstruleofsoupover · 04/09/2021 14:09

JFW OP, I posted my answer before I read your most recent post. Please notice the almost exact wordage that cropped up. Love to you.

Pinkbonbon · 04/09/2021 14:11

Suicide threats might be something else you'll see. In which case, call the police and tell them what he says and let them decide how to handle it from there. But dont be fooled into meeting him for his 'mental healths sake' or any such shite.

Hopefully he will just leave you be now though. Now you've firmly called him out on his shit.

Redruby2020 · 04/09/2021 14:13

It's just an odd thing to say, okay they are of age, but whether it is his daughter's friends or not, eww weird sorry!

GiantHaystacks2021 · 04/09/2021 14:18

Well - at least it's over. Well done for standing up to him. Just block his ass now.

ohthatbloodycat · 04/09/2021 15:49

I am glad you have found your anger, OP. Use it to your advantage and ditch this creep.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 04/09/2021 16:03

Well done, OP.

Original poster
Backtoblack1 · 04/09/2021 16:32

I am still so angry! I think months of not saying anything has meant that lots of things have built up and they have all come out today. He doesn’t give a shit though - before he asked me if I was mad/mental he had the cheek to ask me if I was on my period! I am livid but I’m angry at myself too. He tried to gaslight me about what was said about the girls breasts but I was having none of it. He tried to say they were talking about boob jobs and he was trying not to listen. Anyway, I told him I think he’s lecherous and that his comments made me feel sick and that every woman would have the same reaction. Doubt he’ll try to crawl back and apologise because he seemed to be getting angry at ME for calling him out. He’s fucked off to golf so I won’t hear from him. I did say that if he’s willing to say things like that to me then god knows what he is saying to his mates. I feel nothing but ick and anger and it’s not subsiding 🙈

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 04/09/2021 16:37

Oh my gosh the are you on your period comment. What a creep!

Also, never understood why people suggest that ...because it's the days before a period that people have PMS so if they were on their period pms would be over. Anyway, off topic there xD

Defo block him on everything, hopefully he will stay gone. Do you have a picture of him you can throw darts at?

TokyoTammy · 04/09/2021 16:45

He sounds vile Envy

If my daughter was the subject of such a lecherous adult male, who was the parent of her friend I'd be bloody livid Angry

When I was young a friend of mine's dad was a driving instructor and she worshipped the ground he walk on. In reality he was a lecherous perve who used to hit on his young female pupils and make suggestive comments exactly the same as your ex.

I wouldbe surprised if he starts hitting on them in the future. Just because he's widowed, even sadly in tragic circumstances, it doesn't mean he was a Saint before. He could have been like this for years but now he's off the leash so to speak.

You've dodged a major bullet there OP. Well done for calling him on it.

TokyoTammy · 04/09/2021 16:45

*wouldn't be surprised

Redyellowpink · 04/09/2021 16:47

Well done for dumping him OP!

NotMaryWhitehouse · 04/09/2021 16:48

@Backtoblack1

I am still so angry! I think months of not saying anything has meant that lots of things have built up and they have all come out today. He doesn’t give a shit though - before he asked me if I was mad/mental he had the cheek to ask me if I was on my period! I am livid but I’m angry at myself too. He tried to gaslight me about what was said about the girls breasts but I was having none of it. He tried to say they were talking about boob jobs and he was trying not to listen. Anyway, I told him I think he’s lecherous and that his comments made me feel sick and that every woman would have the same reaction. Doubt he’ll try to crawl back and apologise because he seemed to be getting angry at ME for calling him out. He’s fucked off to golf so I won’t hear from him. I did say that if he’s willing to say things like that to me then god knows what he is saying to his mates. I feel nothing but ick and anger and it’s not subsiding 🙈
Ghost. Him. He will NEVER acknowledge he is in the wrong!
Shamsa03 · 04/09/2021 16:50

The woman being mad/mental is the normal protocol for men like him don't listen you have a daughter yourself don't let him anywhere near her TRUST your gut

TokyoTammy · 04/09/2021 16:54

Just realised this though which might make you feel better.

Normally when an ego has been dented, that person goes around bad mouthing the other person to their family and friends. I this situation he can't do that because they don't know about you, so your parting shots will be rattling around his head driving him mad! That should make you laugh a bit!! what a tool he is.

Original poster
Backtoblack1 · 04/09/2021 17:14

Ha ha yes. I imagine he’s whacking those golf clubs today. He tried to play the hurt bunny card and told me how much he is massively struggling with everything but I did not soften. If anything it made me more angry. He tried to bring his daughter into it by saying she was sitting right next to this girl, he’d never say anything inappropriate etc. Maybe not to them but he did to me and I told him how disgusted I was with this before seeing the like he’d given to the hairdresser which he’d only done to keep her interested. Anyway, she is welcome to him. Good luck, she will need it!

OP posts:
Shamsa03 · 04/09/2021 18:22

He tried to bring his daughter into it by saying she was sitting right next to this girl, he’d never say anything inappropriate etc.

What a stand up guy Hmm

He's so creepy.

He has something seriously wrong with him.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 04/09/2021 18:28

Bloody good for you!

HateJudgmentalPeople · 04/09/2021 18:56

I sometimes wonder if these men would change if they heard from the young women they lech over, if one of his daughters friends was to say “I think he is such a creep for perving over me, making comments about my boobs” etc, then would this stop the behaviours? I’ve no doubt some men would probably take heed of this and then some won’t.

Original poster
Backtoblack1 · 04/09/2021 19:00

The thing is with him is that everyone feels sorry for him (this included me). His FB is basically a shrine to the wife. It’s been tough but I’m not threaten by her abd feel desperately sad about it. I’m trying to cope with that but the sleazy comments and inability to see what’s wrong with that is something I cannot tolerate x

OP posts:
StellaAndCrow · 04/09/2021 19:08

Ugh, massively struggling because of his tragic bereavement? In a way that makes him ogle young girls breasts? Hmmm.

You've done the right thing, I'm proud of you! xx

RandomMess · 04/09/2021 19:08

The shrine to his wife is a persona, how he reels women in - he may well have had pity shags because of it. He certainly isn't going to get a decent partner with his icky views on women.

You have no idea if his wife was happily married to him, no one does do they?

Original poster
Backtoblack1 · 04/09/2021 19:28

No I don’t know that, who does? He presents as the devoted husband and I hate to say it but I feel sometimes the posts are done for attention and likes. The kids don’t post like he does. Nothing wrong with a special date post but it’ll Literally be any occasion - Valentine’s Day, Easter Sunday etc, their wedding anniversary. I get that her birthday and Mother’s Day must be exceptionally hard but I’m not one for public grief and tbh my account is deactivated but I pop on now and again for a gander. The wife had mental health issues which resulted in her passing but I don’t want to speculate on what caused that as it’s a very sad situation and it’s not my place to assume things. I have counselled him, held him, cried with him
etc when he’s been at his lowest and this has not been reciprocated. I’ve been rewarded with the shit I wrote about last night x

OP posts:
BatshitCrazyWoman · 04/09/2021 20:49

@Backtoblack1

The thing is with him is that everyone feels sorry for him (this included me). His FB is basically a shrine to the wife. It’s been tough but I’m not threaten by her abd feel desperately sad about it. I’m trying to cope with that but the sleazy comments and inability to see what’s wrong with that is something I cannot tolerate x
He's a twat OP. Some widowers bloody love to play the 'poor me' card. If he's still grieving, he has no business dating or getting involved with any other woman.
BatshitCrazyWoman · 04/09/2021 20:50

And yes, he probably does enjoy the attention from his social media posts. How the fuck did people grieve before Facebook??

HateJudgmentalPeople · 04/09/2021 20:59

I have never understood why people put posts out on social media about loved ones death, the dead one can’t see it and it just feels...wrong, but then I hate Facebook