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Original poster

Is he lecherous?

158 replies

Backtoblack1 · 03/09/2021 23:18

Been seeing a guy for 11 months. He has 2 daughters aged 20 and 23. He dropped off one of his daughters and her friends tonight for a night out. Made a point of telling me that one of the friends he’d never noticed before but she had very large breasts and her top was struggling to maintain them. Then he said she sat in the middle of the back seat and he could see her and her breasts in the mirror. I didn’t know what to say but felt awkward and uncomfortable that he said it. There seems to be regular comments about younger women. Is he doing it for a reaction or is he a lech? How would you react if you partner said that?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 04/09/2021 12:00

That's creepy. But he probably did know.
He'll be up to something with that. All part of the game.

OmgIcantbelieveshedidit · 04/09/2021 12:06

@Backtoblack1

He’s messaged good morning and I’ve not replied. I am absolutely bouncing!!! Thank you for your comments, you are keeping me strong. I’m tempted just to send him a picture of the like on that woman’s comment so he knows I’ve seen it and not say anything to see how he reacts. All the frustration I’ve been feeling over the months is coming to a head and I'm about to blow. I don’t want to do that as I will only upset myself. I really haven’t got a clue how to handle this. I am getting more angry as the day gets on. When I’ve tried to tackle* him about things before he retreats, avoids or deflects. I’m not having that shit today!!
He can like and message any woman he likes - do not respond to this and raise this as an issue. This is controlling. I would be mightily pissed off if someone told me which men I could add or like photos of but the disrespect nature to women and perverting ogling of young women regardless of if they are his daughter, her friends or others is pathetic - yuk and vile - women are Not objects
OnceTheyDid · 04/09/2021 12:06

OP, it doesn't need to be a drama. Do not go into why you no longer see him via a long message.

I will no longer be in touch. This isn't working for me. You can collect your belongings on Sat @ 11am.

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 04/09/2021 12:08

@BrisbaneandGone

I wouldn't ghost, I'd tell him exactly why you're binning this disgusting, perverted scum bag. Put him in the fucking bin
I WOULD ghost. You are not the asshole whisperer. It's not your job to educate him. Once he has done this to the next ten girlfriends he might realise his mistake but by telling him what you find offensive you are giving him ammunition against you and you are also doing him a massive favour which he doesn't deserve.
pictish · 04/09/2021 12:09

Ugh no…he sounds just awful. A letch and a persistent one at that. Maybe his wife did laugh it off, so what? I’d have no respect or humour for it so he wouldn’t be a good match with me.

Tell him you’ve had a good think and have decided to end the relationship. You’re not compatible. He’s free to pursue the hairdresser.

Good riddance, bloody disrespectful creep.

2bazookas · 04/09/2021 12:09

He's UNCONSCIOUSLY showing you who he really is.

Consciously, he's testing the water to see how much bad manners/lechery/ license he can get away with. He's wondering how much crap you'll accept as "normal". Next; can he call you a cunt, stand up a date with no notice , give you a little slap, leave off the condom...

Bottom line. With or without engaging his brain he's let slip it lives in his not-very-fresh underpants.

And given you a chance to draw your own line in the sand.

Miss that opportunity at your peril.

pictish · 04/09/2021 12:14

The chat about his daughter’s friend’s boobs would be enough for me. I’d think…how inappropriate and lacking in manners and self control. How tasteless. Who goes home and says that to their partner except an absolute fud?
I’d be repulsed.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 04/09/2021 12:19

Of course, he's messaging you now because he's looking for his weekend hole.
Seriously - don't engage with him, just block him.

Gather up his shit, put it in a bin bag and just dump it outside his door some time when you know he's at work.

pictish · 04/09/2021 12:21

@GiantHaystacks2021

Of course, he's messaging you now because he's looking for his weekend hole. Seriously - don't engage with him, just block him.

Gather up his shit, put it in a bin bag and just dump it outside his door some time when you know he's at work.

Sound advice.

Good grief not another minute would I waste on this twat.

IsThePopeCatholic · 04/09/2021 12:32

Op, he’s abusing you. No woman deserves this sort of behaviour. He’s only interested in one thing.

Shamsa03 · 04/09/2021 12:46

Don't tell him why just get rid of him tell him it's not working out. You don't owe him anything.

Tirediam · 04/09/2021 12:46

Another one here who wouldn’t ghost.. but just write a message saying what you feel, keep it factual and honest and say it’s over. You both know where you are then.

2bazookas · 04/09/2021 12:47

Lets review. His wife died tragically 2 years ago, leaving his to raise 3 kids. After a miracle recovery from desolation and grief , one year later he's seeing you. (OLD, by any chance? ).

"His daughters know nothing about you" but they must see all those hundreds of women drooling over their tragic dad on FB, right?

So why would any contact from ONE MORE (you) cause them any more offence than he already permits his grieving girls to suffer?

Meanwhile he posts cringeworthy crap "to his dead wife" on FB. And shows it to you and hundreds of women. And the tragic orphans.

    I very much suspect there was no dead wife,  no tragic past, there are no grieving daughters. They don;t exist. His "unobtainable" absences are when he's  screwing  other women who've been suckered by his online fantasy  persona,   to give him a bed for the night, a  home cooked dinner and a  sympathy fuck. 

 (wipes a manly tear)    "Oh I  miss wonderwife so much  I can hardly get it up..  your tits are a bit small and saggy but I saw a much  better pair today ..... yes, maybe a blow job would help"
HoldMeCloserTinyBadger · 04/09/2021 12:51

Ew. This behaviour would make me recoil. Dump him and tell him he’s a disrespectful pervert. His poor daughters.

Shamsa03 · 04/09/2021 12:57

@Pinkbonbon

I think he makes these comments deliberately to damage your self esteem and make you feel 'am I not enough for him?'. Really common for narcissists and similar to point out other 'beautiful' women and yet pointedly withhold compliments from you. And yes, he may also just be a letch. Either way, bin.
Absolutely this my narcissistic ex used to do it. Please don't stay with him.
shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 04/09/2021 13:03

Posting to hope I see OP say she's dumped him

You're stalling @Backtoblack1 and I feel you are going to let him strong you along.

You are better off single with a vibrator

MDrag · 04/09/2021 13:04

I think that you know the answer to the question. It depends how this comment was made. Definitely don't make any life-changing decisions when drunk. Listen to your deep down. You could also think about why you posted this here, is it to get the support you need to make the brave move of ending a relationship you are not happy in deep down? Or was it just anger and booze?

NowEvenBetter · 04/09/2021 13:37

‘Why is he acting like this?’
Who cares. You sound far too invested into this shitty boyfriend, analysing his behavioural choices, words, internet activities. Just dump him, he’s worthless, don’t give it a second thought.

loobylou10 · 04/09/2021 13:45

"I very much suspect there was no dead wife, no tragic past, there are no grieving daughters. They don;t exist. His "unobtainable" absences are when he's screwing other women who've been suckered by his online fantasy persona, to give him a bed for the night, a home cooked dinner and a sympathy fuck.

 (wipes a manly tear)    "Oh I  miss wonderwife so much  I can hardly get it up..  your tits are a bit small and saggy but I saw a much  better pair today ..... yes, maybe a blow job would help"

@2bazookas - blimy, bit of a leap saying that (even for Mumsnet!).

Op - glad you've seen the light, dump dump dump

Original poster
Backtoblack1 · 04/09/2021 14:00

He phoned me, I answered. He asked what was wrong so I told him. He called me mad/mental/was accusing him of being a monster. I told him it was done and I put the phone down. I’m shaking and fuming. I’m out with my daughter now but will message on here later.

Thank you everyone x

OP posts:
Original poster
Backtoblack1 · 04/09/2021 14:03

Sadly, there is a dead wife. And it was extremely tragic. It was a massive shock for them all and I’ve been understanding if it throughout and would have continued to be. But, it’s one way traffic I’m afraid and I’m only causing damage to myself.

OP posts:
Firstruleofsoupover · 04/09/2021 14:06

Dear OP, I had many moons ago a boyfriend like this and did not realise for ages what a kick he was getting out of 1) making me feel bad with comparisons to other women comments on strangers/photos in magazines etc and then 2) ramping up my distress by telling me I was overreacting/jealous/mad and then a small scene ensues where I protest eventually get shot down and am then in the doghouse for MY behaviour. The "lesson" I was meant to learn and sadly did believe for many years was that not only was I not as attractive and not worth treating with the respect I saw his friends treat their girlfriends, I was also "mental" and mad. I reckon the business with the Valentine Day post is an example of trying deliberately to push your buttons by someone who gets a similar kick out of dismaying you.

Sorry. He has to go. It's hard. But if you can not respond in any way to him, so much the better for you. He will likely be completely wrong-footed (and secretly outraged) by you not responding, so if you can manage this it would be some recompense for your hurt feelings. He will not be able to boast to his confidantes as he would like to because basically you have (silently) told him to do one. How satisfying it could be for you.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/09/2021 14:07

@Backtoblack1

He phoned me, I answered. He asked what was wrong so I told him. He called me mad/mental/was accusing him of being a monster. I told him it was done and I put the phone down. I’m shaking and fuming. I’m out with my daughter now but will message on here later.

Thank you everyone x

Good for you. He's reacted exactly how we all predicted, classic DARVO. It's like dickheads get a script - they're all so pathetically predictable.

Off he fucks, onwards and upwards for you Thanks

Pinkbonbon · 04/09/2021 14:07

Well done for standing your ground op.
Hopefully he wont try to weasel his way back in.
Make sure to block all his social media ect too, as he seems the type to use posts ect...on there to try and take a stab at you (or liking your neighbours comments or some other pointedly goady shite).

If he sends you gifts, send them back. If he posts rambling letters though your door, dont read them. If he tries to claim he deserves the right to talk to you in person, say no.

But if he does send something like 'I'm coming over to chat', use it to your advantage and put his stuff on the doorstep for him to collect ;)

BeaucoupFish · 04/09/2021 14:08

@Backtoblack1
That is textbook as well isn’t it ? Blaming you and calling you names
No taking responsibility and apologising that his behaviour is unacceptable and taking a good hard look at himself
NO, it’s all your fault of course
I think that you have made the right decision

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