Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Is he lecherous?

158 replies

Backtoblack1 · 03/09/2021 23:18

Been seeing a guy for 11 months. He has 2 daughters aged 20 and 23. He dropped off one of his daughters and her friends tonight for a night out. Made a point of telling me that one of the friends he’d never noticed before but she had very large breasts and her top was struggling to maintain them. Then he said she sat in the middle of the back seat and he could see her and her breasts in the mirror. I didn’t know what to say but felt awkward and uncomfortable that he said it. There seems to be regular comments about younger women. Is he doing it for a reaction or is he a lech? How would you react if you partner said that?

OP posts:

icelollycraving · 04/09/2021 10:37

Fucking hell, your latest post is just awful for you. I understand wanting to buffer his dc, but this is fucked up. Get rid, it’ll be a relief.

Foxmylife · 04/09/2021 10:38

Does he say what he sees in other areas of life?

Foxmylife · 04/09/2021 10:39

@Backtoblack1

He says things like this a lot. I feel like messaging him and telling him to do one but I’ve had wine and worried that it’ll all come out and I won’t stop. How would you handle this? He’s in work now and is in a job in which he really needs to concentrate as it involves driving. I don’t want to start a text war because of this.

I never have a compliment off him yet he likes and comments on all his daughters friends pics. He makes comments about other women a lot. If we are watching a film he has to comment on the actress and how fit she is. I never react but am sometimes secretly seething, what is the best way to handle this? The old me would have sent him packing but I’ve really lost my confidence lately and my self esteem is at rock bottom. I’m trying to work on this but things like this really bother me x

Dont text him. Deal with this sober. This says it all really, hes not a keeper.

Pinkbonbon · 04/09/2021 10:47

He kept you a secret for 12 months?! Fuck that bullshit.

Get him dumped.

bamboocat · 04/09/2021 10:53

I have a DD around that age. The very idea of DH ogling her friend's boobs, or one of her friends' dads leching after DD is absolutely gross.

Ugh. He has no respect for women. Dump him.

NotMaryWhitehouse · 04/09/2021 10:59

@GreenClock

I wouldn’t ghost. I think you need absolute closure today. He might come to your home if he doesn’t hear from you within a few days. Don’t drag it out. A brief text, then block.

She's not going to get the closure she needs and deserve from this man, he doesn't care what she thinks and that is going to upset and frustrate her more. He will have the last word and feel vindicated in his ridiculous ways and she will feel worse.

NotMaryWhitehouse · 04/09/2021 11:01

@Backtoblack1

The last one was so so much worse and I think I found this one loving and kind at the start. I felt sorry for him being a widow and have spent hours talking him through his bad days when he is trying to get his head round his wife passing away. I feel hurt that my feelings don’t matter to him at all and that he goes out of his way to say inappropriate things that will hurt me and make me feel insecure. I feel completely pathetic reading my posts back. And more pathetic for allowing this to happen over the months.

You're not pathetic OP, you just didn't realise how truly awful he is. But hey- you do now! 🥳

CookPassBabtridge · 04/09/2021 11:04

It sounds in his case that he says these things not because he is after young women, but for effect on you. He wants to make you jealous and insecure, and look like he is a man in demand.. to make himself more attractive in your eyes. Unfortunately this only works on a small amount of women, the more common reaction is to be totally turned off and pushed away. It's pathetic.

Original poster

Backtoblack1 · 04/09/2021 11:11

He’s messaged good morning and I’ve not replied. I am absolutely bouncing!!! Thank you for your comments, you are keeping me strong. I’m tempted just to send him a picture of the like on that woman’s comment so he knows I’ve seen it and not say anything to see how he reacts. All the frustration I’ve been feeling over the months is coming to a head and I'm about to blow. I don’t want to do that as I will only upset myself. I really haven’t got a clue how to handle this. I am getting more angry as the day gets on. When I’ve tried to tackle* him about things before he retreats, avoids or deflects. I’m not having that shit today!!

OP posts:

FatJan · 04/09/2021 11:15

I want him to know that I am hurt and pissed off

Oh dear. What this means is you’re going to give him the opportunity to say how sorry he is and how he never meant to hurt you and that you’re completely overreacting anyway until you question yourself and your decisions again.

Round and round we go.

And this time round he’ll know (and love) how much he’s getting to you so will do it more. If you displease him he’ll like pictures and make comments to punish you, because he knows it upsets you.

Good catch.

SukonthaM · 04/09/2021 11:17

Urgh, creepy old fuck perving at young girls tits and then telling you about it?

Pinkbonbon · 04/09/2021 11:20

I would not link him to the comments as he will accuse you of jealousy, which is exactly what he wants to do. He wants to know you are feeling insecure.

If you want to deal some damage (which probably isn't wise but..) go with something like 'I'm sorry but this relationship doesnt work for me anymore. I'm incredibly bored and I dont feel intellectually stimulated in it. I think it's time we call it a day. All the best and toodaloo'.

FlibbertyGibbitt · 04/09/2021 11:21

Sounds awful. It’s as if you’re a male mate ! You can understand the grieving process of putting posts on FB, however….he’s been with you for nearly a year now. Sack him off. He’s given you the ick hasn’t he? I can’t bear blokes like this. Just ughhhh.

Jumpingintosummer · 04/09/2021 11:22

Don’t lower yourself into this drama. End the relationship and walk away with dignity.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/09/2021 11:26

Agree, don't mention the social media like or he'll put this down to jealousy and get into a round and round argument again.

"I've been thinking and this relationship isn't working for my anymore. The disrespectful way you speak about girls and women's bodies makes me uncomfortable and what you consider to be jokes I consider to be objectifying. I've made my mind up so please respect that, it's best we just draw a line under it. You have a few things here and I assume you won't want me to post them to you in case your children ask questions but let me know by tonight if you'd like me to post them and I can do, otherwise I'll leave them outside my front door in a box for you to collect by Monday. I don't wish to have a discussion about the relationship as my mind is made up and it's not healthy to keep trying to explain why your comments on women are misogynist and disrespectful - we will have to agree to disagree and both move on separately. All the best."

bigbaggyeyes · 04/09/2021 11:29

How about 'fuck off you old perv, I deserve better' then block

daisyjgrey · 04/09/2021 11:29

URGH. Fuck him off immediately.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 04/09/2021 11:35

He will say I’m insecure. When I've mentioned things to him before he said his wife (deceased) would just laugh it off and I shouldn’t be so jealous.

OP, just send him a bland generic message.

"This relationship isn't working out for me. I'm just not feeling it with you. You can collect your things from the front step at X time on Z date. Don't contact me again."

Don't give him an in to making you feel insecure. Don't let him contact you again at all. Have a friend round at the stated time of handover of belongings. Don't tell him you know about Facebook. He doesn't care. Just move on.

wewereliars · 04/09/2021 11:37

OP I don't imagine for one minute that he was decent to his wife. I would bet anything he treated her no differently than he's treating you.

He will not have become a lechy narcissist half way through his life, that is who he is. You will be happier with him gone.

Monr0e · 04/09/2021 11:38

Can you take yourself off for a walk or meet a friend, give yourself time to calm down before you message him.

I really don't think it's worth getting into a text argument with him. Anything you say will be giving him ammunition to accuse you of being jealous / insecure / psycho / controlling etc and only make you angrier and put you on the back foot trying to defend yourself.

Better to end things with dignity and walk away. This is who he is. He's never going to change or suddenly see the light because you tell him what you think of him. I'd simply say you no longer want to continue the relationship because you're not feeling it, he can't argue with that. Good luck

HatsOnHatsOff · 04/09/2021 11:41

Please don't put a time limit on your time being single. It might be 6 months, it could be longer. Just commit to at least a few months single and have some time to be yourself. Give yourself time, not a deadline.

BeaucoupFish · 04/09/2021 11:42

Just imagine what He says to his male friends 🤮🤮🤮

BeaucoupFish · 04/09/2021 11:45

@Backtoblack1

He will say I’m insecure. When I've mentioned things to him before he said his wife (deceased) would just laugh it off and I shouldn’t be so jealous. I can’t sleep I’m so angry tonight.

To top it off, I’ve noticed that a woman he’s told me is after him has commented on his photo and he’s liked it. This is after we’ve had a row about this woman adding him on FB. Sorry if that sounds childish but my blood is boiling!!!

‘Jealous’?? Can you explain you are not jealous at all and his behaviour is unacceptable and creepy I genuinely cannot get over that he automatically assumes you are ‘jealous’ - the arrogance What a catch

Pinkbonbon · 04/09/2021 11:48

He knows she isn't jealous. He just wants her to be and wants to accuse her of it. As a way to belittle her and make her feel she isn't entitled to her feelings or to judge his shitty behaviour.

Original poster

Backtoblack1 · 04/09/2021 11:52

I still haven’t responded. I’m taking my daughter out for the day and going to try to switch off. Thank you for your replies x

I don’t think he’d apologise about the fb like. He added my neighbour a few months ago and he doesn’t know her from Adam. Never spoken to her. He didn’t realise it was my neighbour until I told him so obviously is in the habit of adding women 🙈

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7