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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he lecherous?

158 replies

Backtoblack1 · 03/09/2021 23:18

Been seeing a guy for 11 months. He has 2 daughters aged 20 and 23. He dropped off one of his daughters and her friends tonight for a night out. Made a point of telling me that one of the friends he’d never noticed before but she had very large breasts and her top was struggling to maintain them. Then he said she sat in the middle of the back seat and he could see her and her breasts in the mirror. I didn’t know what to say but felt awkward and uncomfortable that he said it. There seems to be regular comments about younger women. Is he doing it for a reaction or is he a lech? How would you react if you partner said that?

OP posts:
Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails · 04/09/2021 01:21

Of course it isn't childish. He's more interested in flattery from another woman than caring about your feelings. He's a total shit bag. I'm sorry, but you deserve more

Fallingirl · 04/09/2021 01:35

He is going out of his way to make you jealous. He is doing it deliberately, because he likes you being insecure. The longer you stay with him, the lower your confidence will drop.

NotMaryWhitehouse · 04/09/2021 01:36

Oh just ghost the fucker. He doesn't care about what you think. You'll feel great, he'll be permanently baffled.

He's got you so (justifiably) riled up that whatever you say, you'll never be happy with it and he won't respond in any way you'd hope.

HateJudgmentalPeople · 04/09/2021 04:17

@Ibizan

I would say “you sound like a lech, do you think her father has the same sort of thoughts about your daughter as you seem to have?”
+100
HateJudgmentalPeople · 04/09/2021 04:18

That’s creepy to fancy your daughters friends, god men Angry

DoylyCarte · 04/09/2021 04:46

Yes I agree with ghosting him.
He’s not worth your effort or attention so just rise above (and far away from) him and having to listen to his boring, grim, seedy, lascivious, thigh-rubbing, beady-eyed, pervy observations.

He’ll destroy your self-esteem very quickly if you don’t draw a line. Flowers

Sakurami · 04/09/2021 04:50

Creepy fucker. Imagine you commenting about the size of his daughter's male friends 'package'? How creepy would that be?

Leave him.

Original poster
Backtoblack1 · 04/09/2021 05:08

I think ghosting him is a good idea. I’ve just woken up fuming but I know it’s not me who is being unreasonable in my feelings about this because you all feel the same.

He went out of his way to keep telling me how much this woman fancies him (she comes to cut the daughter’s hair and has told daughter she thinks he is ‘hot’, keeps asking about him allegedly) .
When this woman sent him a friend request he sent me a screenshot of it and said he wasn’t going to add her but now I’ve noticed that she’s made a comment under a picture of him and his daughter which he’s liked (weeks later). Why?!! I’m annoyed with myself that this has wound me up but I think the comment about the friend’s breasts has got me so incensed that I cannot calm down about it and I’m angry that I haven’t called him on it before now. It’s also given me the major ick!!

He’s home from work now but I’m so angry that if I messaged him I would not hold back and he would most likely label me as a ‘psycho’. So ghosting it is. Will let you know what happens.

Thank you for all of your replies and making me realise that there’s no way I should be putting up with this. If I did tackle him he would say he was only teasing or that I’m too sensitive and then I would feel a dick!

And yes, I would never comment on a 20 year old males ‘package’. I feel angry with him and a bit sick if I’m honest!

OP posts:
Cakeandcardio · 04/09/2021 05:17

Good luck to you! It might be hard in the short term but a while down the line you will feel so much better!

Rocaille · 04/09/2021 05:31

he would most likely label me as a ‘psycho’

Who cares what he thinks? He's a disgusting old lech, as this thread has confirmed. His opinion of you doesn't count.

Just send a brief message telling him it's over and not to contact you again. Then immediately block him on your phone, social media, etc. Don't give him a second more of your energy.

Let him work out why he's been dumped. I suspect he's far from ignorant of the effect his unpleasant behaviour has been having on you.

thelegohooverer · 04/09/2021 05:32

I think you would benefit from some time away from relationships with men for a little while to reset your emotional barometer.

Commit to a time period that seems manageable and then focus on yourself as if you were a new lover - start to shower yourself with attention, consideration and nice things. Put as much thought into dinner as you would if you were Mr Wonderful meeting you for the first time and completely blown away by your awesomeness.

I know that sounds cheesy but trust me on it. It’s very healing. It helps reset your boundaries and until you can get the hang of treating yourself like a wonderful, deserving person you haven’t a hope of attracting a partner who will.

And when you’re feeling a little stronger consider some therapy, or the Freedom Program, or even just read about the shark cage and reflect on the relationships you saw as a child.

You can do better than this creep. But you need to take time out and find your bearings, not bounce from one relationship to another. The emotional security that you’re craving is in you. You just need to give yourself a chance to find it.

Original poster
Backtoblack1 · 04/09/2021 05:38

His comments about other women are always said in a ‘jokey’ way but I don’t find it funny at all - it really upsets me. He rarely gives me a compliment or tells me I look nice etc yet he freely comments about the appearance of others. We are both twice his daughters age so I think her poor friend would be mortified if she knew what he had said about her. And that’s just what he said to me. I can’t imagine what he’ll be saying to his mates at golf later. I am fucking furious and I can’t calm down!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Backtoblack1 · 04/09/2021 05:42

This has resonated with me so much. My father was absent throughout my childhood. It has affected me deeply and I’ve made poor choices with men all my life. I’ve clung on to the most destructive, toxic men and ruined my self esteem in the process.

In an ideal world I’d like to give myself until the new year or even spring to work on myself - inside and out. I want to feel empowered, not like some insecure, past her best 45 year old who puts up with anything because it’s better than nothing x

OP posts:
Sakurami · 04/09/2021 06:13

A psycho? Ask him to tell the girls parents what he thinks of her boobs.

Lightlady · 04/09/2021 07:01

Ask him what his daughter says to his pathetic filthy comments about her friends breast
Some men are beyond revolting . Who the tell does he think he is yuk yuk yuk

pragmaticsanctionofbourges · 04/09/2021 07:02

Yuck he sounds grim. My husband would never comment on any of our daughters' friends of that age despite them always going out in skimpy outfits.

Lightlady · 04/09/2021 07:03

@Rocaille

he would most likely label me as a ‘psycho’

Who cares what he thinks? He's a disgusting old lech, as this thread has confirmed. His opinion of you doesn't count.

Just send a brief message telling him it's over and not to contact you again. Then immediately block him on your phone, social media, etc. Don't give him a second more of your energy.

Let him work out why he's been dumped. I suspect he's far from ignorant of the effect his unpleasant behaviour has been having on you.

This !

Don’t even give him the opportunity to label you as anything by explaining to him
Men like him think they can categorise and label women like commodities ….. he doesn’t deserve one more second of your energy

aConcernedPrude · 04/09/2021 07:09

I never have a compliment off him yet he likes and comments on all his daughters friends pics.

That's really grim.

layladomino · 04/09/2021 08:08

Oh you deserve so much better than him. In just a few short posts, you've told us that

  • he rarely complements you
  • he goes out of his way to tell you how attractive he finds other women
  • he especially seems to like young women (ew)
  • he goes out of his way to tell you someone else fancies him (that could well be made up by the way)
  • he agrees not to add someone as a friend on fb (because she's made it known she fancies him) then adds her anyway.

What you seem to have here is someone who WANTS you to feel insecure. He makes it clear he finds other women more attractive, and they find him attractive. ie he could leave for someone else at any moment if he wanted to.

He doesn't necessarily genuinely think that, by the way - this could just be a manipulation to keep you in your place. But whatever his reasons you deserve better.

Either he genuinely fancies loads of women, especially young ones - and doesn't mind telling you that.

Or - he is making some of it up to make you insecure.

He sounds vile. You will be much better off without him. I would tell him it's over. Don't feel the need to explain why - just say it wasn't working for you. That way he can't argue with your reasoning. Please don't be tempted to stay with him just because 'he's less bad than previous relationships'. You know that isn't a good reason.

If you want a r'ship (one with a decent, respectful, kind man) there is plenty of time to find one. Every month you stay with this loser reduces that time of course.

Original poster
Backtoblack1 · 04/09/2021 08:24

Thank you for all your comments. I am reading them all and taking the advice in. I can’t believe I have been putting up with this. In the beginning he was very complimentary, always buying me gifts and constantly contacting me. He still contacts all the time but I don’t see him much as he is on his own with three children (16, 21 and 23 though), has a job which involves driving at weird times and when he is off he tends to be in golf! I spoke to him this week about how I needed more and he agreed but I wasn’t holding out much hope tbh. These latest things have really fucked me off as I feel like I’ve been flogging a dead horse. I definitely feel lots of things are said for a reaction or for me to think how in demand he is with other women but I don’t know why. I don’t do this to him - I am loving and attentive. WTF is going on? Why is he acting like this? I’m his first relationship since his wife passed away and they were married for over 20 years. She always found things like this funny apparently. I don’t x

OP posts:
Shamoo · 04/09/2021 08:34

When we were in Y12/13 one of our friends’ dad used to go out in the same bars as us, and made a move on one of my other friends. So so grim. And humiliating for my friend. Made our skin crawl. Looking back he was a total lech. Honestly, just dump him and move on. Don’t get into an argument with him, or feel you need to justify yourself or defend yourself to him. He’s a dirty lech, and soon will just be a dirty old man. Being with him will be humiliating and shatter your confidence.

Pinkbonbon · 04/09/2021 08:38

I think he makes these comments deliberately to damage your self esteem and make you feel 'am I not enough for him?'. Really common for narcissists and similar to point out other 'beautiful' women and yet pointedly withhold compliments from you. And yes, he may also just be a letch. Either way, bin.

LastGirlSanding · 04/09/2021 08:42

You only have his word that his wife found this sort of thing funny. And even if she did - well, it’s pretty low to be comparing you like that to how his wife was. You’re not her and it’s pretty rubbish for him to use her memory like that to imply you should be ok with something because she (allegedly) was. Does he makes comparisons on other ways about her and you?

BrisbaneandGone · 04/09/2021 08:43

I wouldn't ghost, I'd tell him exactly why you're binning this disgusting, perverted scum bag. Put him in the fucking bin

Pinkbonbon · 04/09/2021 08:45

@Backtoblack1

Thank you for all your comments. I am reading them all and taking the advice in. I can’t believe I have been putting up with this. In the beginning he was very complimentary, always buying me gifts and constantly contacting me. He still contacts all the time but I don’t see him much as he is on his own with three children (16, 21 and 23 though), has a job which involves driving at weird times and when he is off he tends to be in golf! I spoke to him this week about how I needed more and he agreed but I wasn’t holding out much hope tbh. These latest things have really fucked me off as I feel like I’ve been flogging a dead horse. I definitely feel lots of things are said for a reaction or for me to think how in demand he is with other women but I don’t know why. I don’t do this to him - I am loving and attentive. WTF is going on? Why is he acting like this? I’m his first relationship since his wife passed away and they were married for over 20 years. She always found things like this funny apparently. I don’t x
And theres a ton more red flags of a narcissist (npd) here. Sound like he 'love bombed' you in the beginning. Saying things 'for a reaction'. And then the whole 'other women/everyone else thinks my unacceptable behaviour is acceptable so you must be the one in the wrong/oversensitive/overeacting' standard bs mindfuck.

He is an emotional abuser op.
Run. And learn the signs in future if this is your second one because your radar clearly needs tuning up.