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Original poster

Is he lecherous?

158 replies

Backtoblack1 · 03/09/2021 23:18

Been seeing a guy for 11 months. He has 2 daughters aged 20 and 23. He dropped off one of his daughters and her friends tonight for a night out. Made a point of telling me that one of the friends he’d never noticed before but she had very large breasts and her top was struggling to maintain them. Then he said she sat in the middle of the back seat and he could see her and her breasts in the mirror. I didn’t know what to say but felt awkward and uncomfortable that he said it. There seems to be regular comments about younger women. Is he doing it for a reaction or is he a lech? How would you react if you partner said that?

OP posts:
Original poster
Backtoblack1 · 04/09/2021 08:51

The last one was so so much worse and I think I found this one loving and kind at the start. I felt sorry for him being a widow and have spent hours talking him through his bad days when he is trying to get his head round his wife passing away. I feel hurt that my feelings don’t matter to him at all and that he goes out of his way to say inappropriate things that will hurt me and make me feel insecure. I feel completely pathetic reading my posts back. And more pathetic for allowing this to happen over the months.

OP posts:
GreenClock · 04/09/2021 08:55

I wouldn’t ghost. I think you need absolute closure today.
He might come to your home if he doesn’t hear from you within a few days.
Don’t drag it out. A brief text, then block.

Pinkbonbon · 04/09/2021 08:58

Often they seem completely different from the last one...in the beginning at least. That's how they get you.

Sounds like this one also pulled the 'woe is me' covert narcissist bullshit to make you feel sorry for him. This making you lower your guard faster.

OP know his words are no reflection on you. He lacks empathy. He is basically a psychopath. If a psychopath kills someone, is it the victims fault? Of course not.

YOU have to choose you though. Now that you know what is going on.

It might also be worthwhile to read up on codependency. Because this could be something you need to work through personally as it could be contributing to you keeping these sorts around for longer than you should.

Original poster
Backtoblack1 · 04/09/2021 08:58

He will be asleep for a few hours now as he was driving through the night. He will message when he wakes and then I really don’t know what I am going to say to him 🙈

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 04/09/2021 09:00

@GreenClock

I wouldn’t ghost. I think you need absolute closure today. He might come to your home if he doesn’t hear from you within a few days. Don’t drag it out. A brief text, then block.
Good luck getting absolute closure from a narcissist :/

But I do agree op should text dump. And block before he tries to convince her she owes him an in person break up.

Original poster
Backtoblack1 · 04/09/2021 09:01

I want him to know that I am hurt and pissed off and that it’s not acceptable to speak about women like this in front of me or anyone else. I am also fuming about him liking that woman’s comment but I feel it’s childish to say so.

OP posts:
Onlinedilema · 04/09/2021 09:05

Text him using the words one of the wise posters on here has said. Dump him, then block him on everything.

Pinkbonbon · 04/09/2021 09:05

@Backtoblack1

He will be asleep for a few hours now as he was driving through the night. He will message when he wakes and then I really don’t know what I am going to say to him 🙈
How about something like 'I think we can both see that this relationship isn't working. Neither of us are happy. So I wish you all the best but lets call it a day'.

(If he has left anything at yours, post it back to him recorded delivery. Tell him you have posted it recorded delivery then delete and block).

Its always best to say 'we' instead of 'I' because it makes it seem like the narcissist has had a say in the decision. It's also best not to go into specific reasons why you are dumping him as that will only give him amo to try and convince you you are in the wrong somehow.

Pinkbonbon · 04/09/2021 09:06

I mean if you are brave enough to go 'you're dumped because you're a creepy letchy fucker' then go for it op. But be sure to block straight after!

LastGirlSanding · 04/09/2021 09:07

What is your actual decision though if you’ve come to one? (and you might not have done yet!). Do you consider this relationship over or are you looking to try and get something to change?

Because that will impact what you say to him today. You have every right to be annoyed about the comments and the FB thing but if you focus solely on that you’ll probably just get the same result - he’ll say you’re jealous and his wife was ok with it - and what will that resolve other than getting you into another argument and being even more frustrated??

icelollycraving · 04/09/2021 09:11

Could you say something along the lines of, lately I feel our values are very different and it’s not working for me. When pressed you could say that you find it really creepy to talk about a very young woman in the way he does, he doesn’t, neither of you will change so best to accept defeat.
Be strong op. Finishing it with him will give you the closure and a boost yo your self esteem. Then block so you don’t see what he’s liking on Facebook.

MoreSpaghetti · 04/09/2021 09:11

I can’t see you getting much closure or recognition from him if you do discuss it with him, you’ll have moved onto wasting your time flogging that dead horse then, explaining to the creep why he shouldn’t make comments about their kids friends breasts while he sits there with a dumb look on his face pretending he didn’t realise or trying to make you believe you’re overreacting.
I think it will only end in frustration and anger for you.
Text what you want to say and dump.
Stay single for a good while to ‘reset’.
Think about doing the Freedom Programme and building up fulfilment in other areas of your life.
He sounds verging on being a predatory type, and 11 months in he’ll just be gearing up.
Run like the wild.

TheWeatherWitch · 04/09/2021 09:13

He’s a dirty old man and I’d dump him. Ugh!

BlancheB · 04/09/2021 09:14

You deserve better OP! Don't worry about what he thinks. He's not important, you are. Good luck.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 04/09/2021 09:18

I would ghost him. He deserves no more than that.
Block him on everything.
He's a perv, for sure.

IdblowJonSnow · 04/09/2021 09:32

He knows exactly what he is doing OP. He is enjoying eroding your self esteem and keeping you insecure and hoping to make you jealous.

I wouldn't give him a 'big explanation' as this too could feed his ego. Tell him you've gone off him or you've had a better offer!

And then don't engage.

I had an ex like this once and when I dumped him he came crawling back saying all the right things. They never change and they don't respect women

bigbaggyeyes · 04/09/2021 09:34

Urgh he sounds awful, well done for deciding not to see him again. I find with ghosting people you've been seeing never really puts a line under it. There's also no point going into detail about why. In your shoes, when he texts just send back.

'This relationship isn't working for me any more, I won't respond to any further communication' then block him on everything.

Balletlifeline · 04/09/2021 09:35

You’re confidence is low because of his abusive behaviour.chipping away at your self worth. It’s sleezy behaviour and a form of emotional abuse to tell you and then claim that it’s your problem because your sensitive. It may help to read up of narcissistic behaviour to gain some confidence and own your emotions to be strong enough to end this unhealthy relationship. It was an eye opener for so I hope it helps x

icelollycraving · 04/09/2021 09:42

Plus, the my wife did t have an issue with it, well she’s dead so you can hardly compare notes.

JamieFrasersSassenach · 04/09/2021 09:53

@Backtoblack1 I think I would be tempted to text him and say you want to end the relationship because you've met someone else.

Someone who is younger, better looking and has a really big 'package'.

Then block his number.

You really do deserve so much better than this 'man'. Thanks

HateJudgmentalPeople · 04/09/2021 09:54

@BrisbaneandGone

I wouldn't ghost, I'd tell him exactly why you're binning this disgusting, perverted scum bag. Put him in the fucking bin
Agreed, it will be satisfying to let him know, it would eat away at me if I couldn’t be honest.
Original poster
Backtoblack1 · 04/09/2021 09:57

He’s got a few things at mine which I can’t post because his daughters know nothing about me! I’ve been understanding in that he’s been waiting to tell them when it’s the right time. The wife passed away two years ago and I’ve been seeing him for 11 months. I’ve had to put up with a lot of soppy posts to her on certain dates which I have not said anything about as I know he is grieving. But he gets hundreds of comments back mainly from women saying how brave he is etc. He was at mine on Valentines night, we had a meal and he’d sent me beautiful flowers in the day. He then went home and posted a really soppy tribute to his wife about how she was his queen and that he would always love her. Same on her bday, Mother’s Day etc and because she died tragically and suddenly I have just let it go as I feel sorry for the situation they are in. But all of this is slowly killing me x

Sorry for this massive drip feed. I didn’t want to say all this in my original post as I wanted your take on his comments about daughters friend. And his wife passing away doesn’t really have anything to do with that. I feel absolutely shit this morning 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
Backtoblack1 · 04/09/2021 10:05

[quote JamieFrasersSassenach]@Backtoblack1 I think I would be tempted to text him and say you want to end the relationship because you've met someone else.

Someone who is younger, better looking and has a really big 'package'.

Then block his number.

You really do deserve so much better than this 'man'. Thanks
[/quote]
This is brilliant! I’m tempted to say just that 🤣

OP posts:
ImSoMagical · 04/09/2021 10:25

I feel sorry for his daughters and you deserve better.

pollyroo · 04/09/2021 10:37

Fuck sake OP. Get rid.

"I never have a compliment off him yet he likes and comments on all his daughters friends pics"