to feel like my world is changing and I don't want it to....

[whatbecomesofme]

(name changed and posting here for traffic....hope that's ok....)

My 18 year old DS2 has just told me (sensitively) that he is going to now be living with his dad (my exhausted) & DS1 instead of 50/50 which he has done for 10 years.

I feel like my world is ending. I haven't been able to stop crying since he told me last week. I feel like I gave up my whole life to bring up him and DS1, gave up my career & have been a SAHM (please don't judge me for that). It isn't that I feel they 'owe' me for that, I just don't know what I am now. I have always only been a Mum, and I feel that is now ending. I don't know what will become of me, and I don't want to reinvent myself. I do have lots of friends/interests/hobbies, but I just can't stop feeling like I want my babies back. I know they aren't babies...

I just feel bereft. I don't know if it is empty nest syndrome, or feeling like a failure as a mum as he is 'choosing' his dad.

His dad has been a Disney dad since our divorce, having been hardly involved prior, due to long working hours, and this was his 'plan' and I've always tried to not involve DS1&2 in his manipulating, because I just want them to be happy.

If this makes DS happy, then I should be happy, and I want his life to be easier, and firm in one place, but it just hurts so much. More than I thought possible.

I miss the times when they were little so so so much. I miss the games, and snuggles on the sofa and being needed & wanted.

I feel like I just can't get past this, it is like my worst case scenario and I don't know how to deal with it.

No one likes change so that's ok
Children aren't really grown up till they are about 30 according to my mam, so don't assume you have lost your child, they need to fly the nest at this age

You need a plan( I think !)
What are you good at
What did you like doing when you get
What mild regrets do you have
What did you always want to try
Get up get out , you have freedom and it's scary

Maybe a stupid idea but how about fostering pets?
How about a wee evening class in something that has always interested you?
A new craft?
A bike?
A plan like @midgemagneto suggests is a great idea.

Good luck.

Try not to think of this as an end of an era and more of a new chapter. Agree with PP and start thinking about you for once.

If it's any consolation I have been through this, and my DD actually came back after 3 months - the grass isn't always greener and it was a really valuable lesson for her to learn. It was also good for her to know she had two loving parents and had the option to live with either of us and for her recognises what a fortunate position she was in and to feel loved and secure wherever she lived. Those three months were the hardest but also the most positive in me making some significant life changes.

I'd say this is very similar to my empty nest feelings when my only child went off to university. I was never crying but definitely felt bereft and lost and experienced some medical depression too

Hopefully, like me you will also soon discover yourself a bit, what you are separate from a mother, find what you like, what you want to do, put yourself first a bit.

I still miss her at every age she's ever been - baby her, toddler her, 5 year old her, etc etc I don't think that ever stops

also don't feel a failure - they might not actively 'need' you on a day to day basis now, but you were there when they did and that will have shaped and helped them and continue to contribute to their everyday life - does that make sense? That you were there, will always make a difference every day to them compared to if you hadn't been

as for disney dad... my DD's dad was the same, and now she's 25 she's completely cutting him off having realised he was all for 'show'

I'm not saying the same will happen with your sons, but kids have a way of working things out in time and knowing who really has their back.

You can do this and it will all be all be ok in the end!

What’s the situation Re child / spousal maintenance OP?

Are you still a SAHM, do you feel you could go back to work or study if so?

thank you so much for your replies, you are all so lovely and kind :)

Situation re child/spousal maintenance I'm not sure is relevant? it isn't really affecting my thoughts either way, and will probably stop, but it isn't an issue luckily.

Re hobbies - I am studying at the moment, and because it has always been 50/50 I have always tried to fill the rest of my time wisely and keep myself busy and occupied.

I feel that being a mum is what defines me, and it won't be the case any longer so I feel I become an invisible nobody.

(NB have also recently started HRT and am definitely depressed anyway)..

I would love if he changes his mind in 3 months, as with PP - you are very lucky :) but I think part of what is driving him is that I now live with my DP and although he gets on with him, he would rather not live with him. I get that, and I also feel that I shouldn't move/change my living arrangements to accommodate him as he is now an adult but I am very torn between thinking that he's my son and therefore if he isn't happy with the arrangement I should move again. Yet, after 7 years together, and never living together till now, it really is right for us as a couple, and my DS is at uni most of the time (if we hadn't been in a pandemic!!).

I do so hope that he still 'needs' me for something. He's popping in later for something, and I feel like a mad woman that I baked one of his favourite cakes at 7am just so he can have a slice later...

I suppose you need to find a job.

Is there a reason ? Is he nearer to work or whatever .I think maybe a cat or dog may help you .Presumably he will still be coming over on WE and so on .It may be just a temporary phase that he wants to get to know his DF more .I would sit tight ,it sounds as though you are still close to him .My DS went to Uni and I missed him terribly.However the times he was on holiday /WE and so on seemed extra special .You have given him a wonderful home and childhood and this will have set him up for life!

So there is a bit more to it then.... has your partner moved into your home?

OP. Have you thought about what a burden it is for an adult child to have a parent depend on you emotionally so extremely?

That is a lot to put on a young adult who just wants to start their own life and be their own person, as is only right and normal. To be needed by a parent can be very oppressive.

The best thing you can do for your children is rediscover yourself as a fulfilled, independent adult who isn't just "mum", in whatever form that takes for you.

You are handwringing about your son leaving home, but you moved your partner in to your son's home.

I discussed the move with DS before it happened, and he was ok with it. I had no idea this would happen, and had I known, I wouldn't have done it.

Definitely time to find a job - maybe something with children? Would you have any interest in childminding/teaching or fostering/tutoring?

It's perfectly natural to struggle with having an empty nest but it sounds like you are overdue some time for yourself. Once you get over the transition you may enjoy it!

You are and will always be a mum. That never goes away. There are lots of ways that you can use that strong maternal instinct for good. For example working in the child care sector, giving time to children who are in care as a mentor, becoming a home start volunteer etc etc. Then don't forget soon grand children may come along. ❤️

I do already have a job too that I really love, but thank you for the suggestions...some really useful ideas here...

Oh god stop with the cake nonsense. Come on. Pull yourself back up. You have a new life with your partner. Loads of kids move out at 18. Don’t be all emotionally dependent on him and give him a big guilt trip. That’s not fair.

Bit of a drip feed about having a DP living with you .... of course you haven't only 'ever been a mum' ... you are a partner, lover, etc. And it sounds like you put your DP before your DS so maybe it shouldn't be a surprise that he wants to move out.

But maybe now is the time to learn to focus on yourself, enjoy your own hobbies, interest etc rather than expecting other people to provide your happiness.

My own DS left for Uni a couple of years ago ... I was delighted, he is happily independent enjoying his own life and I am loving the time and space to myself.

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

OP. Have you thought about what a burden it is for an adult child to have a parent depend on you emotionally so extremely?

That is a lot to put on a young adult who just wants to start their own life and be their own person, as is only right and normal. To be needed by a parent can be very oppressive.

The best thing you can do for your children is rediscover yourself as a fulfilled, independent adult who isn't just "mum", in whatever form that takes for you.

I agree with this. My mum was a bit like this (tbf she had to deal with my leaving for uni and my brother leaving to live with our Dad on the same day!).

It made home visits too emotionally loaded and, after a while, I started to avoid them. It was then years until I found I was enjoying visiting - by which time she'd built a life that wasn't so emotionally reliant on me and this made all the difference.

What do you mean move again? Have you moved in with your partner?

It seems there’s a very clear reason your son wants to move out and it’s not unforeseen if he didn’t want to live with this man. You’re within your rights to move your relationship on but it’s had consequences and you can’t make your son feel bad about his decision.

With 50/50 your ex can’t have purely been a Disney parent, that wouldn’t have worked as it involves an equal amount of time and parenting as you did.

For the sake of your ongoing relationship with your son you need to treat him like an adult and ditch any potential manipulation.

He’ll be fine, you’ll be fine. You’re both getting what you wanted.

Hey it takes time to get used to the new stage in life

It's a bend in the road , you need to brake, steer hard, accelerate , it takes time and effort

Yes children often react badly to new partners . They need a surprising amount of reassurance that you really love them to the moon snd back . So the cake is good

Why doesn't ds1 live with you?

Something similar happened to me when my DS 1 went into residential care at 18. I felt like I has somehow failed him and I also feared I would lose that special bond with him.
In your case, I think perhaps living with his brother may be just as much, if not more of a pull, than living with his dad.
Keep the house ready for both your sons, because they may well want to stay with mum, very frequently.

I gave up my whole life to bring up him and DS1, gave up my career & have been a SAHM (please don't judge me for that). It isn't that I feel they 'owe' me for that, I just don't know what I am now. I have always only been a Mum, and I feel that is now ending.

So...you actually have a job (which you love), and you are studying, and you have a long-term partner who has moved into your home, and you have hobbies and friends and money is not a problem...

I'm not clear what you feel you gave up, or why you feel you have always "only been a mum"?

OP I mean this kindly, but this was going to happen regardless.

Your son is 18. He’s not a child any more, and it was inevitable that he was going to reach an age where he wanted to do something different.

Be honest here, are you devastated about the fact that he’s moving out? Or because it’s his dad he’s moving in with? Because there is a difference.

Ultimately at 18 he could be off to uni to live in halls, and there’s every chance he wouldn’t be coming back to live permanently.

You have to be more than just a mum now. The time of “bringing up” children has long gone. You need to move into the next phase of your life now.

FWIW, I have an 18 year old, and although he’s still living with me, he works all hours and I hardly ever see him. I certainly don’t think he needs me in the same way, and it’s not up to me to need him, that’s not how parenting works. We bring up children in order that they be independent, well balanced adults.

To the posters criticising the OP for moving her partner in, the lad is 18 not 8. He’s at an age where he can move out at any time, do people really expect someone to put their lives on hold indefinitely while the now adult children make up their minds?

I have a friend whose 22 year old has essentially driven her husband out of the house and they are now splitting up. And now that’s done he’s announced he’s moving to a different town. I’m all for putting children ahead of partners, but there comes a point where they’re not children any more and the world really doesn’t, and shouldn’t revolve around them.