to feel like my world is changing and I don't want it to....

[whatbecomesofme]

(name changed and posting here for traffic....hope that's ok....)

My 18 year old DS2 has just told me (sensitively) that he is going to now be living with his dad (my exhausted) & DS1 instead of 50/50 which he has done for 10 years.

I feel like my world is ending. I haven't been able to stop crying since he told me last week. I feel like I gave up my whole life to bring up him and DS1, gave up my career & have been a SAHM (please don't judge me for that). It isn't that I feel they 'owe' me for that, I just don't know what I am now. I have always only been a Mum, and I feel that is now ending. I don't know what will become of me, and I don't want to reinvent myself. I do have lots of friends/interests/hobbies, but I just can't stop feeling like I want my babies back. I know they aren't babies...

I just feel bereft. I don't know if it is empty nest syndrome, or feeling like a failure as a mum as he is 'choosing' his dad.

His dad has been a Disney dad since our divorce, having been hardly involved prior, due to long working hours, and this was his 'plan' and I've always tried to not involve DS1&2 in his manipulating, because I just want them to be happy.

If this makes DS happy, then I should be happy, and I want his life to be easier, and firm in one place, but it just hurts so much. More than I thought possible.

I miss the times when they were little so so so much. I miss the games, and snuggles on the sofa and being needed & wanted.

I feel like I just can't get past this, it is like my worst case scenario and I don't know how to deal with it.

No real advice to add to the mostly wise words on this thread. Just a supportive note for OP.

It makes no real odds whether they go off to dad's or university when the time comes for striking out and making their own choices. He knows he always has a home with you.

I can only see this one from the child's perspective as my own DC is still quite young. But when my sibling and I grew up and moved on independently, as adults do, our lovely Mum was always a very big part of our lives.

They come back.

for the kind comments and DMs - thank you all beyond words. the kindness of strangers on the internet is touching me more than I thought.

I just wrote a really long post explaining again that there is no backstory etc etc etc no cutting contact, but I've deleted it. I do not need to explain myself to anybody, or justify myself. if anybody feels I'm hiding anything or wants to give different advice and be critical then please, just scroll....

Right now, all I am hoping for, is some kindness and a little support (which yes, I am getting from my DP too)......

I don’t think you should frame it as a competition between who he loves more. I’m sure he loves you equally. Don’t put all your self worth into a child.
You’re of course going to be a bit sad. But he’s 18!! Not 10
I think your reaction is totally disproportionate

@whatbecomesofme no you don't need to justify yourself to anyone. Thanks for coming back and know you have lots of support from lots of people on here.

Oh, that is sad. But a little to be expected? An 18 year old isn't really going to want to share his home with another male adult he's not close to if he has an alternative choice.

Just make sure you still have time, just the two of you together.

I’m wondering how many of the more judgey comments come from people who have never had the experience of being a single/separated parent who wants a relationship!
I'm not a parent, single or otherwise, and it's beyond me how anyone can be as unempathetic as some people on here. The inability/refusal to try to imagine how someone else might feel is really bloody depressing.

STILL! They're in the minority.

I do not need to explain myself to anybody, or justify myself. Too right, OP, you don't.

Hi there Whatbecomes,
Just to flag that we have moved your thread to Relationships, as it's really the better place for it. We can see that you are receiving support from your friends here at Mumsnet, but also it might be worth you having a peek at this too - it's just a decent article on empty nesting?
We do hope this helps a little.

Another milestone in life's rich tapestry. Sounds like you've got a good relationship with him and he's a well rounded lad. Be proud of him and of yourself, you've done a good job. Empty nest (syndrome) is something we don't talk enough about. It's painful and you need to do your crying and grieve fully. Don't distract yourself too much with busy hobbies in the early stages and don't tell your son how upset you are. It's your burden not his.

At 18 I wouldn't begrudge my mum moving in with her long term partner. Yes he may on balance prefer to live with his dad but it certainly doesn't mean you've made the wrong choice.

He's still welcome.

It's tough for them to have to choose too. One of my DD's are with me. The other is at her dads (nearer to her boyfriend) in university holidays. It's tough not seeing them for months at a time through lockdown but as young adults they get to choose

maybe another persepctive on him deciding to do this now that you are settled living with a new partner is that he feels he can move on precisely because you are not alone.
It doesn't mean he doesn't like your partner, or the living arrangements - but just that he's naturally ready for a change and to take the next steps as an adult.
He might not have felt he could do that if you were still living alone but might see it that you can now move on to the next stage of your life with your partner.

That's not to say that you won't or shouldn't find it emotionally very hard to process this change.

(I could not wait to leave home at 18 and begin to find some independence. It was no reflection on how much I loved my parents!)

I can relate to the long term partner/older teenager/ex scenario and I think I would feel very upset and guilty if my children chose to go and live with their father in this situation.
However, I think rationally it's something you can come to terms with with some time, talk and possibly help from your GP like antidepressants if required. As PPs have said it's just another step forward in life for your children. They're adults now and a move away would have happened soon anyway. Do not beat yourself up. Look for ways to move on and make this situation a happier one.

OP, you seem to be carrying a lot of guilt with you where you think you are not a good enough mom. I think it would help yopu a great deal to seel some counseling with that.

As for the empty nest, you can fill it with something else. It can really help to focus your gaze outward towards possibilities, rather than towards the past. Besides both your children are officially adults now. Technically you did you job.

I wonder have you looked into volunteering or fostering animals or maybe special needs kids. When I went throw my depression I fostered some sight hounds and I found it very rewarding. It does come with some anxiety, as these dogs usually need a few weeks to adjust to life at home and some are scared of people, which can be a struggle. The rewarding part was seeing them become well-adjusted, speeding couch-potatoes.

@AlternativePerspective well said

I think that if you’ve just moved in with your DP and he’s 18 then of course he’s going to say he was okay with it. He must realise that kicking up a fuss about that when he’s 18 (and an adult) would make him look ridiculous. So instead he’s moved in with his Dad. Sounds very sensible to me. Now he doesn’t get to feel guilty for telling you he didn’t want to move, and you don’t have to make the decision of picking between the two.

There is really no pint writing a an OP is there, if others come along and just make up whatever shit suits them and decide to comment on that? Ridiculous.

Anyway, OP, I know how you feel. My daughter hasn't left home yet as she is still in uni and living at home to save money but she gets more and more independent everyday. She passed her driving test the other day and I actually shed a tear in private because its one less thing she needs me for, despite me moaning about being a taxi for years! I have put so much time and effort into being 'Mum' over the years, I feel a bit redundant, even though I have a wonderful DH, hobbies and a job I enjoy. They need to grow up and go out into the world and live their lives but sometimes I would like to pick a memory and re-live it, just for an afternoon. Be kind to yourself - like teething and sleepless nights, this too shall pass.

I can imagine how you must be feeling OP, my dc are 17 and 15 and I have been parenting alone for 6 years, the thought of them leaving fills me with dread because I don’t have a huge social circle and haven’t worked much, like you I am studying in hope that when they do leave I can get a reasonable job. My youngest is severely autistic but will likely go into residential at 18, a part of me looks forward to the freedom but the other part is terrified.

Your ds is 18 so I guess you just have to grin and bare it, in the coming years he will likely get his own place, possibly meet someone and possibly have his own children so although things feel pretty scary and lonely right now things could change and there’s lots to look forward too. I’m sure your ds will still be about and will visit often.

OP, that empty nest thing can be brutal. When my son went to university last year I missed him more dreadfully than I could have imagined. It's hard.

I feel that being a mum is what defines me, and it won't be the case any longer so I feel I become an invisible nobody.

Jeez, OP. I wasn't to shake you! (Very gently and with kindness though!)

There are so many positives to your new situation - embrace them!!

It makes me so sad when women are 'defined' by being mothers. There is so much to enjoy in life beyond our children!!

Some of these posts make me feel so sad.

My eldest is 22 and left home a few months ago. I've been a single parent for a decade so my childrennhave been my main priority but not my only one.

I was so excited for him when he moved out and proud of myself for raising a sensible, independent, financially responsible young man. I felt pride and immense love as I sent him out into the world on his own.

He's bloody amazing! We speak on the phone every couple of weeks for a couple of hours.

And I looked forward to being able to prioritise myself a bit more.

At what point though is it ok to start thinking about your own happiness?

Personally I wouldn’t move a man into my children’s house. But my children are 7 and 4 and they come first. But when they are 18+ and starting to think about moving out anyway?

I’m not saying deliberately ruin their lives but surely at that point it becomes ok to want to snatch a bit of happiness for yourself?

Most children are ready to leave home at about 18, and your son has shown his respect for your new life by being on board with it. You have brought him up to be independent, and he is taking his first steps towards that, and at the same time will be glad that you have a new partner to share your future with.
Totally this. And, OP, the emphasis is on YOU – YOU have brought him up to be independent, and a good young man. He is also emotionally literate enough to recognise what is best for him in terms of living arrangements, and to be able to speak to you sensitively about these difficult subjects.

You've so much to be proud of.

The OP has indicated that she’s suicidal and you’re still sticking the boot in. Nice

I wrote my post before she updated, I then saw it and wrote another post. As we can't delete the messages it had to stay I am afraid. Ask MN for a delete button and things will improve. I think there is more to it, but op is allowed to feel sad and loss when he children leave home, I am expecting to feel really upset too next year. It has been a long year, and this is a really hard moment for parents to op I hope you feel better soon.

I also think this is the perfect chance for you to become Disney Mum at long last op. Your ex is now going to have to deal with the cleaning, washing, tidying up and all the chores. You can be the one to take your son out, have fun, and spend some quality time with him. I would embrace the move if you can, and make a plan how you will best enjoy it and make the most of it. Give it a few months and I am sure he will be back. You are your son's rock, and sometimes they need to leave to truly appreciate all they have at home with you. Hugs.