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Original poster

to feel like my world is changing and I don't want it to....

114 replies

whatbecomesofme · 01/09/2021 09:16

(name changed and posting here for traffic....hope that's ok....)

My 18 year old DS2 has just told me (sensitively) that he is going to now be living with his dad (my exhausted) & DS1 instead of 50/50 which he has done for 10 years.

I feel like my world is ending. I haven't been able to stop crying since he told me last week. I feel like I gave up my whole life to bring up him and DS1, gave up my career & have been a SAHM (please don't judge me for that). It isn't that I feel they 'owe' me for that, I just don't know what I am now. I have always only been a Mum, and I feel that is now ending. I don't know what will become of me, and I don't want to reinvent myself. I do have lots of friends/interests/hobbies, but I just can't stop feeling like I want my babies back. I know they aren't babies...

I just feel bereft. I don't know if it is empty nest syndrome, or feeling like a failure as a mum as he is 'choosing' his dad.

His dad has been a Disney dad since our divorce, having been hardly involved prior, due to long working hours, and this was his 'plan' and I've always tried to not involve DS1&2 in his manipulating, because I just want them to be happy.

If this makes DS happy, then I should be happy, and I want his life to be easier, and firm in one place, but it just hurts so much. More than I thought possible.

I miss the times when they were little so so so much. I miss the games, and snuggles on the sofa and being needed & wanted.

I feel like I just can't get past this, it is like my worst case scenario and I don't know how to deal with it.

OP posts:
Neverrains · 01/09/2021 10:38

Bloody hell, talk about kicking someone when they’re down.
The OP has indicated that she’s suicidal and you’re still sticking the boot in. Bet you all preached about ‘being kind’ too. You disgust me.
OP please talk to your GP, you sound so low Flowers:

SleepingStandingUp · 01/09/2021 10:39

@SmokeyDevil

I think there's more to this than you're letting on. For both sons to have now decided to go and live with dad, who in your words is a 'Disney dad' only, so they will know by now if that's true that he is useless, and yet they are choosing him over you. That's very odd. I know my cousin did that, they chose to go and live with the Disney parent, literally just to get away from the other parents partner who they hated. And they didn't even like the Disney parent.

It looks like you have prioritised your partner over your kids, probably for longer than you believe, and as neither like him from the looks of it, both have left. That's what happens when you pick someone else over your kids. Maybe you shouldn't have done it.

Seriously, OP has clarified she believed her son was ok with the move, wouldn't have done it if she'd known he wasn't, is clearly in distress and has made several comments about feeling suicidal. How about not putting the boot in just to repeat whats already been said and answered to?
BarkingUpTheWrongRoseBush · 01/09/2021 10:40

It sounds like you are having a lot of change at once. And if you aren't keen on change that is hard.

I've been the stepmum in this scenario, where the eldest child chose to pretty much come and live with us and the other two stayed at their mums.

The best this we did was keep it all as civil and as open as possible. We'd cook tea twice a week and have everyone round, including fairly frequently their mum. They still come round now in their early 20s though the eldest moved away a few years ago.

It must have been hard for their mum but she came round a lot and the eldest was always welcome at hers anytime. Basically we had the better internet and he was growing up and wanted his own space.

BarkingUpTheWrongRoseBush · 01/09/2021 10:40

And I don't think you have prioritised your partner over your kids - but they are growing up and they probably see this as a stepping stone to moving on and out.

1WayOrAnother2 · 01/09/2021 10:42

You will always be a mum. (In a way, motherhood is about letting go successfully: we do it in steps fof various kinds - right from birth!) That won't change even if your grown-up children live elsewhere.

You will also be other things and it sounds as if you are working on that.

You sound to have done your job -as a mum- very well so far. Your son is confident to live apart from you... and has not had to fight you (or your DP) to get free. He considers your feelings too (not to be taken for granted in an 18yr old).

You didn't really expect him to live at your house forever did you? He won't be 'living' with his Dad for long either. It is good that he has a little experience of this though.

KateTheEighth · 01/09/2021 10:45

I suppose it's understandable if you moved house (selling your son's childhood home maybe?) and into a new property with your dp. Perhaps your ds just feels happier where he's more comfortable and where he feels he belongs.

I don't think it's a huge surprise that this would happen.

It sounds like your life is quite full so enjoy the good stuff and build on it

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 01/09/2021 10:46

I can relate to you op in a slightly different way. I have two teens who in 2 years time will both be at Uni - DD next year and DS the following year. Doing the Uni visits with DD at the moment and it can bring me to tears the thought of that day dropping them off and saying goodbye BUT this is what I want fro them. I want them to go and live life and find their own paths, to make their own mistakes. They know I am here whatever life throws at them. You do need to gain some perspective on this and realise this was always going to change.

LastGirlSanding · 01/09/2021 10:49

Ah it’s hard. Being a mum is a very meaningful thing and when the mum role changes (not ends, it never ends!) it can be tough. But - you sound like a very caring mother and as a caring mother you know deep down that the greatest gift you can give to your adult kids is to see them into adulthood as happy, confident and independent people who do NOT need you in the same way they did when at primary school for example.

To do this you have to focus on the positives, on letting go and allowing the nature of your mother-child bond to change and evolve. No they don’t need you anymore in the same way as before but they still have a relationship with you.

Sounds like you do have a lot of good things going on in your life. It’s time now to embrace who you are as a woman, not only a mummy. You can do it!

BastardMonkfish · 01/09/2021 10:52

Sounds like you're both struggling to cope with this big change. Is your partner supporting you OP?

beautifullymad · 01/09/2021 11:03

My son decided to do this at 20, and moved in with my EXH as he was located closer to his work place.

The reality is, my son is home every few weeks for a few nights and in the last month has been here for 19 nights.

So it might not be as severe as you are fearing.

Be bright and cheerful, support his choices, text daily with silly memes and watch as he reappears for food and company occasionally.

It's a life change, I struggled for a while but because we text daily and I see him every few weeks it's a good balance. It will give you time to do other things and give him time to find his way as an adult. Life transitions are hard times, but necessary to build resilience.

IntermittentParps · 01/09/2021 11:07

I'm sorry you're so sad about it, OP. I get it; they've been your world.

You need to live your life too, and if that means having a new DP then that's how it is. As you say, your son is now an adult (although I do hear you that he's still your baby too!). Even if you did move and have him living with you, give him a year or a few and he'll be off living his own life. You can't just accommodate for him the whole time because you can't predict what he's going to do.

Let your friends/interests/hobbies support you. Be nice to yourself. Thanks

ssd · 01/09/2021 11:09

@whatbecomesofmeFlowers

JovialNickname · 01/09/2021 11:11

I think what you're feeling is very understandable, and I can feel the sadness in your posts. It's the end of an era, a little bit, and while you will always be their mum they don't need you in the same way anymore. But that's because you've done such a good job in bringing them up to be happy, independent adults. You have done that. And I can understand the poignancy that "your work is done here".

It sounds like you have other people, work and hobbies in your life which is a good thing. Now you get to focus on you for a change! And you can look forward to a new lovely adult relationship with your children, where they take you out to dinner, and look after you sometimes rather than you just picking up their pants and socks Grin

icelollies · 01/09/2021 11:25

OP i hope you come back to read the supportive comments - its absolutely ok to wallow and feel sad at this change. But its a change that was coming - he was going to move out at some point and you have provided a stable up-bringing that allows him to make his own thoughtful decisions. Be proud of him! He is not choosing his dad over you, he is choosing his own independence.

He will always be your little boy and you will always be his mum, let him go and he will come back often. Bake the cakes, make him feel loved and your home will always be his home too.

I also think you made the right decisions regarding moving in with your partner - you’re modelling a good healthy relationship for your son to see too, and that’s a good thing!

Good luck!

Porcupineintherough · 01/09/2021 11:29

Or possibly @Hoppinggreen he's been wanting to move on for a while now and feels OK to do so now because his mum is moving on with her own life? Probably best not to second guess.

CharityDingle · 01/09/2021 11:33

OP, please speak to someone, your GP, for example, about how you are feeling.

stepupandbecounted · 01/09/2021 11:34

I don't think op's son is happy living with her new partner, and my guess is that he has moved out because of it. That is why she is so upset.

All the holidays/evening classes in the world won't matter if her son distances himself now from her because of the choices she has made - re new live in dp. I am willing to bet there is a really big back story to this, and one that would change our advice now.

Her son hasn't just moved out perhaps, but is cutting ties/going low contact. Op I think had a choice and she choose dp and now regrets it.

stepupandbecounted · 01/09/2021 11:35

Flowers please tell us what happened op, the advice will be extremely supportive I promise you. It is never too late to change things if you want to.

ProudAlly · 01/09/2021 11:36

OP, I've sent you a PM

MichelleScarn · 01/09/2021 11:38

Does your son have his own room still in the new house OP?

Carryonmarion · 01/09/2021 11:39

I totally get you feeling the way you do. You have had your DS for all of the formative years and I think he will miss you when you're not there. IF you feel that you are good at being a Mum that's a very valid thing to be and there are other people who could benefit from this skill. I have always planned to volunteer for Homestart when I retire - they want people with practical experience of bringing up children. I have worked alongside them in my job and I think they do such important, amazing work. If you have time I would definitely consider volunteering. www.home-start.org.uk/

Viviennemary · 01/09/2021 11:40

You can't live your life through your children. Its not good for you and places too much of a burden on them. You are studying so thats good. He is 18 and could have been off anyway. Its a shame if he's moved out because your DP has moved in. But I think you deserve to make choices too. And you'vd been with him a long time. Has his Dad got a new partner.

Hoppinggreen · 01/09/2021 11:42

@Porcupineintherough

Or possibly *@Hoppinggreen* he's been wanting to move on for a while now and feels OK to do so now because his mum is moving on with her own life? Probably best not to second guess.
I agree I’m not saying she should feel guilty or anything but that this seems like a logical time for him to move out. However, OP selling her house (presumably where her son grew up) and buying with her new partner is surely a factor
Zzzexhaustedzzz · 01/09/2021 11:44

Wow, I’m wondering how many of the more judgey comments come from people who have never had the experience of being a single/separated parent who wants a relationship! Are we meant to stay single and sacrifice our best years in martyrdom? I’m with the idea that a mother in this situation should model what they want their children to be: independent individuals who know they have a right to happiness. As long as the new partner isn’t causing problems and gets on well enough with the offspring, they are certainly, at this age, old enough to accept it. It may be hard for them, but thats life. Tough. A lesson to learn. Mothers are also adults whose right to happiness should be respected.

Neverrains · 01/09/2021 11:45

@stepupandbecounted

I don't think op's son is happy living with her new partner, and my guess is that he has moved out because of it. That is why she is so upset.

All the holidays/evening classes in the world won't matter if her son distances himself now from her because of the choices she has made - re new live in dp. I am willing to bet there is a really big back story to this, and one that would change our advice now.

Her son hasn't just moved out perhaps, but is cutting ties/going low contact. Op I think had a choice and she choose dp and now regrets it.

The OP has indicated that she’s suicidal and you’re still sticking the boot in. Nice.
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