to feel like my world is changing and I don't want it to....

[whatbecomesofme]

(name changed and posting here for traffic....hope that's ok....)

My 18 year old DS2 has just told me (sensitively) that he is going to now be living with his dad (my exhausted) & DS1 instead of 50/50 which he has done for 10 years.

I feel like my world is ending. I haven't been able to stop crying since he told me last week. I feel like I gave up my whole life to bring up him and DS1, gave up my career & have been a SAHM (please don't judge me for that). It isn't that I feel they 'owe' me for that, I just don't know what I am now. I have always only been a Mum, and I feel that is now ending. I don't know what will become of me, and I don't want to reinvent myself. I do have lots of friends/interests/hobbies, but I just can't stop feeling like I want my babies back. I know they aren't babies...

I just feel bereft. I don't know if it is empty nest syndrome, or feeling like a failure as a mum as he is 'choosing' his dad.

His dad has been a Disney dad since our divorce, having been hardly involved prior, due to long working hours, and this was his 'plan' and I've always tried to not involve DS1&2 in his manipulating, because I just want them to be happy.

If this makes DS happy, then I should be happy, and I want his life to be easier, and firm in one place, but it just hurts so much. More than I thought possible.

I miss the times when they were little so so so much. I miss the games, and snuggles on the sofa and being needed & wanted.

I feel like I just can't get past this, it is like my worst case scenario and I don't know how to deal with it.

Someone on here suggested the following book to read:

The Midnight LIbrary by Matt Haig.

I bought it and read it yesterday (I've got flying the nest issues here as just about to wave DD off to college) she is still here, but there is lots for me to work through with regard to getting forward to paid work, what I will do now etc.

The book is lovely in my view and very hopeful when it comes to changing life course. It is also enjoyable and funny. It will help you..

And totally agree with the 'DIsney Mum' bit.

Really nice way of looking at it.

@Monestera

Telling someone with such low thoughts to “get a grip” is highly inappropriate and insensitive, if not downright dangerous. Please rethink what you’re writing

I couldn't agree more

@AlternativePerspective

OP you really need to get a grip here.

He’s 18. He’s not a child. He was going to move out soon anyway.

Crying for a week really isn’t normal. Yes it’s normal to be upset, but typing through tears etc really isn’t.

It's not your place to tell her if her reaction is normal or not. It might not be such a big deal for you but huge one for her.

OP, what you are feeling is completely normal. You feel like you're losing your identity and main purpose in life and that can be really difficult. In fact going through big changes in life can on subconscious level trigger the fear of our own death as a person.

Please do not think that him choosing to live with his dad is reflection of how well you did as a mum. There is a big chance it has nothing to do with it. You're pulling all the strength to not show your suffering to your son and you try to support him which shows you put him first.
It's very common for children to idolise absent parents and for teenage boys to gravitate towards their fathers. As painful as it might be it's totally normal and just another stage in your son's life. That too will pass.

It's OK to grief and it will take time but it will get easier. In time you will be able to reframe the whole situation and be proud of raising your children to be independent amazing adults rather then feeling like you wasted your life. And once difficulties feelings are out of the way you will be able to enjoy new chapter of your life and find meaning in it.

Please be kind to yourself and give yourself time and all the care and support you can get. You will get through it and you will be happy again. 💐

Hope you are okay OP!

Hugs OP, you are clearly really struggling right now and finding yourself torn between your partner and your sons, but it doesn't have to be that way.

You deserve happiness of your own and so moving in with your long term partner is a great move and very exciting!

You've also given your boys the confidence and independence to move out, possibly a stepping stone for them to living completely independently in a few years time.

I wonder if DS2 can now see you settled and happy with your partner and now feels he can move out without leaving you on your own? Perhaps he was worried about you being lonely previously?

The pain will pass and this really will get easier in time.

Start planning the rest of your life, as pp suggested - a new hobby perhaps and keep plenty of time aside for lunch dates and days out with your lovely boys.

Would you ever consider applying to be a foster carer? Sounds like you have a lot to give and that's all you need along with a spare room!

Firstly, I hope you are are ok op.

My dc are a bit younger than yours (13 and 15) but I am also a single parent and do often think about this kind of scenario happening.

Their dad and I are amicable, we both have partners but have chosen not to live with them while the kids are so young. BUT, I have been with my dp for 2 years now and at some point may want to live with him. This causes all kinds of guilt in my head - he is not the dc's dad, he is actually very different to their dad and is a kind man but I would hate for them to feel 'pushed out' or uncomfortable in their own home. How long do we, as mothers, put them first to the detriment of our own lives after they have moved on though?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you have been with your dp for 7 years and have waited a long time to move in together, discussed it from the start with your ds and waited until he is 18, an adult to do so. I think you have done everything and more that you could to put him first and if he has now chosen to live with his dad, then that's his choice to make and he will know that he can change his mind at any time and that you love him, but you are also an autonomous person with needs and wants of their own and the two can co-exist.

Give yourself time, it really is the best healer x

If bring a mum is what defines you, well you're still a mum! Just because your DC are not under your roof, you don't get made redundant, you just get a new job description. Try just to take each day as it comes, and you will settle down into your new circumstances. You don't see parents of adult DC all living miserable empty lives, they adjust and enjoy life in a different way, and you will get to the place they're at in time too. Try not to take the moving to his father's personally, it's just natural spreading of wings and trying something new, like going to university.

Being a mother should not define you, although it is an important role, it is one of the many roles you will play in your life. One of the tricks to enjoying your life, is to play each role to the best of your ability, which you have, so far. Being a parent to an adult is quite different, there is a fine line between being supportive and letting them go forward into their own lives. Your son needs to make his own decisions, and you will not always approve of them. You have a partner, who you chose, and have a life with him, your son has not been pushed out, but is ready to leave. I think that living with his father will be a good transition phase, would you feel better if he was moving to a flat share? It may be that you feel he has chosen his Father over you, but that is something you need to deal with in yourself.
It seems to be an overreaction, to be so upset, maybe some counselling would be helpful. I am so sorry you are so upset

It seems to be an overreaction, to be so upset

Again, Please, these comments are so unfair towards someone feeling suicidal.

OP I really hope you’re feeling better Difficult thoughts do pass, and I thought the post about being Disney Mum a really helpful reframing.

I know you say your DP is supporting you, which is lovely, but could you maybe talk to your GP about how you’re feeling too? Saying you don’t feel you can carry on living is a very extreme place to be emotionally if your son moving out is the only trigger. Is there something else going on to make you so down? Life can be made up of so many hidden stresses we don’t even know we’re dealing with sometimes until something tips it over the edge, don’t be afraid to speak to someone professional if you’re feeling this bad x

Gentle hugs OP.

I believe it is empty nest syndrome. I've been through this and now my sister is too. You know it's coming eventually but when it does, it hits like a ton of bricks.

Starting HRT, you're hormones take awhile to adjust. I truly thought I was going insane during menopause. Those 2 things alone, are huge stressors. I've been there with the crying and it just feels lost or something like a part of you has been ripped out.

It really does take time to adjust. Your DC will always be your DC. Always. It's hard to let our baby birds leave the nest, but they have to. You have done an outstanding job raising them and you can be proud of that. Now, I'm getting a bit teary thinking of my grown DC overseas.
Be extra kind to yourself.

I wonder if your self esteem is built on being a mother, being needed, their acceptance and validation is holding your self worth together in a sense. You have hobbies, studying, a job etc but do you feel that you are good at them, that you succeed, that people value your input? What are you proud of that you have achieved? Don't be afraid of seeing your worth outside of your role as mother.

If you are feeling very low, it might be an idea to check in with you GP for a little support during this big change.