to feel like my world is changing and I don't want it to....

[whatbecomesofme]

(name changed and posting here for traffic....hope that's ok....)

My 18 year old DS2 has just told me (sensitively) that he is going to now be living with his dad (my exhausted) & DS1 instead of 50/50 which he has done for 10 years.

I feel like my world is ending. I haven't been able to stop crying since he told me last week. I feel like I gave up my whole life to bring up him and DS1, gave up my career & have been a SAHM (please don't judge me for that). It isn't that I feel they 'owe' me for that, I just don't know what I am now. I have always only been a Mum, and I feel that is now ending. I don't know what will become of me, and I don't want to reinvent myself. I do have lots of friends/interests/hobbies, but I just can't stop feeling like I want my babies back. I know they aren't babies...

I just feel bereft. I don't know if it is empty nest syndrome, or feeling like a failure as a mum as he is 'choosing' his dad.

His dad has been a Disney dad since our divorce, having been hardly involved prior, due to long working hours, and this was his 'plan' and I've always tried to not involve DS1&2 in his manipulating, because I just want them to be happy.

If this makes DS happy, then I should be happy, and I want his life to be easier, and firm in one place, but it just hurts so much. More than I thought possible.

I miss the times when they were little so so so much. I miss the games, and snuggles on the sofa and being needed & wanted.

I feel like I just can't get past this, it is like my worst case scenario and I don't know how to deal with it.

Big, big hugs, but they are now adults and want to move on - this is the way of the world, as distressing as it is to parents.

Give yourself some time to grieve but set a deadline. Getting it out is healthy but wallowing isn't. This is an opportunity for you to rediscover yourself.

I'm sorry to drip feed and that wasn't my intention. I am typing through tears and haven't stopped since last week.

I have never manipulated my son, and he has no idea how I am feeling. I have not shown him a single tear, only smiles.

I had no idea he would do this as when we discussed the possibility of moving he was happy with it. I would not have done it otherwise. he was the first person I discussed it with, before even with DP.

I feel sick to my stomach that it can look like I am putting my dp first, and it makes me want to end it all. this was never my intention and right now I wish more than anything in the world that I could reverse the move. I sold my previous house, and have bought with DP so this is now a complicated situation to reverse, especially if only for a couple of years till end of uni.

I wasn't intentionally putting DP first, or myself. my children have always been my greatest priority.

I don't think I can cope with any more comments like this because right now I just feel I can't even carry on living, and so although the lovely messages are helping, I'm closing off now.

If being a mum is what you think defines you, have you thought about fostering?

OP you really need to get a grip here.

He’s 18. He’s not a child. He was going to move out soon anyway.

Crying for a week really isn’t normal. Yes it’s normal to be upset, but typing through tears etc really isn’t.

Your world is changing! Your DS is now an adult.

Don't be that spider parent - casting a sticky web of entanglement and dependence. He is doing the right thing and setting out on his own in the best way he can right now.

You now need to find your own life, and not be stifling his development

It is empty nest syndrome. And it is acutely painful. I find it painful that DS1 prefers to spend all his time in his student digs instead of coming home for the summer. It makes me question and doubt my mothering skills. But I have to give my head a wobble and remember he's 18. It's natural for them to want to explore different ways of living. It's also natural for them at this stage to be incredibly critical of their main parent. There's a meme for it, it's so common.

I am making myself let him go without feeling resentful. Your DS will live full time with his dad and no one can keep up the Disney role for ever. Think of this as a time to re-establish your own life. You didn't waste those SAHM years. They were vital. Take the long view. As your son matures, he will appreciate some of what you did for him. And take some of it for granted forever, because that's what children do.

It's time to be selfish. Cook food you love that he hated play your music loud. Clean the house top to bottom because it will stay clean all week - so weird! Go out all night, go away mid week. Bit by bit you;ll get your mojo back.

This was always going to happen - it’s what parenting is about, we prepare our offspring to leave the best as fully fledged adults. It sounds like you’d be the same if he were going to Uni or away for work.

If the move is related to your new partner then so be ut. You have a right to a life too abd if another adult person prefers not to live with you then that’s not for you to second guess. As others have said this doesn’t end your relationship with your son it just changes it a bit.

You are catastrophising. See this as an opportunity for you to enjoy your new relationship and look for ways to enrich your life either through work or volunteering or pursuing a hobby or travelling or whatever.

So you have a long term partner that you now live with, a job, you are studying, have friends and hobbies. I really think you need to get a grip, your life sounds perfectly nice and you are clearly not just a mum.

Ah, honey, you're feeling so low and it can be brutal here, even if some of those more brutal replies are actually quite truthful and not meant to be brutal.

This is a big change. But there was always going to be a big change on the cards as the kids grow up into adults. Doesn't make it any easier when it actually happens.

I've no actual advice, except to try and be kind to yourself. Let it all out. Then try and get yourself together so that when your son comes later you're in a place where you can enjoy his company.

I really feel for you.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I gave up my whole life to bring up him and DS1, gave up my career & have been a SAHM (please don't judge me for that). It isn't that I feel they 'owe' me for that, I just don't know what I am now. I have always only been a Mum, and I feel that is now ending.

So...you actually have a job (which you love), and you are studying, and you have a long-term partner who has moved into your home, and you have hobbies and friends and money is not a problem...

I'm not clear what you feel you gave up, or why you feel you have always "only been a mum"?

I'm also curious about this now. You seem to have a weird martyr internal dialogue thing going on which is totally self-contradictory. 'I gave up EVERYTHING for you... But I'm totally happy about it! I've never been anything but a mum... Except also an employee, girlfriend, partner, student, friend, and individual who pursues my own interests!'

What's going on there?

It sounds like you feel that you never got your relationship with your children "quite right" because of your split with their dad and the fact they had to live 50/50.

Now it seems to you that your last chance to "get things right" has gone.
Which it has.
However you did achieve a different version of getting things right.

You need to appreciate all the things you do have in your life, and the fact that your sons are happy young men.
Perhaps you need some conselling to help you with this.

Does your ex have a DP?

You have every right to a personal life.

Your DS is 18 and in normal times would be away from home at university anyway.

I feel that being a mum is what defines me, and it won't be the case any longer so I feel I become an invisible nobody.

Being a parent doesn't stop when a child moves out. Especially in this day and age. There are conversations about job choices, relationships, financial decisions. All of these are points where "objective" advice and voice of wisdom of a parent is useful.

Don't buy your childs affection, its incredibly confusing. It puts pressure on them and puts them at the whim of your needs and patience when life isn't that predictable.

I don't quite understand what you mean about moving again- do you mean a fresh start minus the partner? Or a new home for you and the partner?

Telling someone with such low thoughts to “get a grip” is highly inappropriate and insensitive, if not downright dangerous. Please rethink what you’re writing

Sorry but, your son showed no interest in moving out before you moved your DP in, now your DP has moved in DS suddenly wants to move out, the timing is very coincidental.

Op sounds very fragile. Speak to GP? Because the thread is not helping if you can't cope with comments.

You could be the best mother in the world, and your children would still never live with you forever.

When you parent well, you are equipping your child to be independent, and that includes eventually living without you there.

If you really think your ex is a Disney dad, it might help to reframe this in your head as your 18-year-old moving into your ex's house as a lodger, rather than as a child.

He's not an eight-year-old who chose his dad over you. He's 18. He's past that point. He chose to live with you 50:50 until he became an adult. He chose both of you equally, and that means not only did you parent him well as a mum, but you helped ensure he still had a relationship with his dad. He's a grown up doing grown up things now.

It's worth pointing out that when a child moves out, they're not cutting ties with you - they just live somewhere else!

I'm sorry you're feeling so low. You do still exist, you do still have an identity, it's just going to take you time to get used to what that is. You're still very much a mum, it's just that you get to be other things now too. That's a good thing.

Bless you I really feel for you . Basically you have done the hard work and now your son wants to live with Dad . This is so different from child moving out to live independently. It really would feel like rejection !
Am sure son loves and appreciates you and probably doesn’t understand how hurtful his decision is ,it’s the ex that I would be bloody furious with !

@Bonheurdupasse

What’s the situation Re child / spousal maintenance OP?

Her son is 18.

@whatbecomesofme

I discussed the move with DS before it happened, and he was ok with it. I had no idea this would happen, and had I known, I wouldn't have done it.

He’s an 18 year old boy of course he’s “ok” with it Except he probably isn’t I’m not saying you shouldn’t do it but you must be able to see why he’s choosing to move out now

You haven't done anything wrong. I think what's happened is that your son is having a bit of a wobble about his childhood home being sold and you living in a house which doesn't feel like home to him, even though he agreed and in principle is okay with it. He's still young and sometimes how a person actually feels doesn't match up with how they thought they would feel or what they think is right in theory. So I think he's chosen to go where his dad and brother are because that feels more familiar. It isn't a judgement on you or a rejection. And it doesn't mean you were wrong to do it.

So long as you and your dp let your sons know that there is a place for them if they need it and you love them, then that's good enough - you shouldn't be putting your own relationship on hold. It's good for ds to see that you have someone and won't be alone. It's a lot of pressure to be the last child at home if mum doesn't have anyone else.

I think what you are feeling is a normal reaction to change and it will get better. Women do give up a lot of themselves sometimes, when all the focus is on raising children. Time to get that back.

I think the cake is a fabulous idea. Make this process good for your son so that he doesn't feel sad or guilt.

You might find he comes back for a bit at some point if dad isn't all that. I disagree that you can't be a Disney dad on 50/50 - having the kids physically in your home doesn't necessarily mean that you are doing half the mental load. I know women who do all the school homework with their kids because the dad won't do any, they book medical appointments for the DC during their time (as much as they can), do the school uniform shopping etc. Dad just feeds them basically.

Best of luck OP. It will be fine. Don't tell your dp that you regret this move - these feelings will pass.

I don't know if this will help OP but despite having amazing parents that I loved to the ends of the earth, I totally took them for granted between the ages of about 17-25 and didn't make anywhere near the effort I should have done with them, because I was so busy making all manner of stupid mistakes an independent life for myself. I even once moved house and forgot to tell them about it until about a fortnight later. In my later 20s and throughout my 30s I have been really close to them again, speak to or message them everyday, tell them about any important decisions we're making, ask for their advice etc, and they have a beautiful relationship with our two children.
Let him go, he'll come back to you

Op you are still a mum and your ds will still need you, just in a different way.

I agree with other posters, you seem incredibly fragile at the moment.

I think there's more to this than you're letting on. For both sons to have now decided to go and live with dad, who in your words is a 'Disney dad' only, so they will know by now if that's true that he is useless, and yet they are choosing him over you. That's very odd. I know my cousin did that, they chose to go and live with the Disney parent, literally just to get away from the other parents partner who they hated. And they didn't even like the Disney parent.

It looks like you have prioritised your partner over your kids, probably for longer than you believe, and as neither like him from the looks of it, both have left. That's what happens when you pick someone else over your kids. Maybe you shouldn't have done it.

My good. I say this kindly but if you’re having this kind of reaction (ending it all, whatever that means) because your 18 year old son is trying something for a change then you need to get yourself some medical help ASAP