Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Be honest. If a man expected you...

871 replies

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 31/08/2021 16:25

to split the bill on a first date would it put you off?

OP posts:
Adelphia1977 · 31/08/2021 17:48

Honestly? Yes. It's a first date- some chivalry would be nice. I'd offer to get the next date-

TheMoth · 31/08/2021 17:48

I earned more than dh when we first met. I've never equated being treated well with having money spent on me. Dh has, I think treated me better than I treat him over the years. But not financially.

frogswimming · 31/08/2021 17:48

Purple. Based on my idea of what should happen on a first date. I think it's an established signal that the man will treat you considerately in future. Politeness. It doesn't mean he will treat you well, but if he can't even be arsed to at least try to act considerately on a first date it's not a good indicator of the way he'll treat you in future.

Like in the wedding singer when the fiancé makes drew Barrymore sit in the aisle on the plane. So she realises she should be with Adam sandler who is kind and not selfish. Slagging off exes and not being nice to his mum would also be off putting.

Unfashionable · 31/08/2021 17:48

Absolutely not. It would reassure me that he sees women as equals.

Stigofthedump40 · 31/08/2021 17:49

@PallasStrand as i said i am old school.. he is young but from a different country and has been brought up to look after women

PurpleDaisies · 31/08/2021 17:49

@Adelphia1977

Honestly? Yes. It's a first date- some chivalry would be nice. I'd offer to get the next date-
When you say “offer”, does that mean you would or not? There’s a lot of this “offering” going on as if women are doing men a favour by paying their fair share.
PurpleDaisies · 31/08/2021 17:50

[quote Stigofthedump40]@PallasStrand as i said i am old school.. he is young but from a different country and has been brought up to look after women[/quote]
Which country is that?
Has “looking after women” led to equality in the workplace, equality in relationships and equality when it comes to parenting? I suspect not…

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 31/08/2021 17:51

Not at all. I'm a long time married now but back when I was dating I always paid my way. I prefer it.

Comedycook · 31/08/2021 17:51

@Unfashionable

Absolutely not. It would reassure me that he sees women as equals.
Or that he is the type of man who will always expect you to pay half of everything...good luck with that on maternity leave Grin
piddocktrumperiness · 31/08/2021 17:51

If he asked me out and chose the destination, I'd expect him to pay. Only because I would think it unfair if he chose a posh bar or restaurant or whatever and I'm not on much money and dating is expensive.

If we both agree to meet for a coffee during the day, or something informal, I'd offer to pay half

For first dates that is why I prefer coffee or something informal during the day. No expectations, and a quick exit

stepupandbecounted · 31/08/2021 17:51

jassy You are not saying anything that is breaking news! That is how good relationships work. We bring each other happiness, surprises and excitement. It is equal. I am a very generous person, so I would find any kind of penny pinching very unattractive. I would pay the next time.

Assuming he invited me, I would expect him to pay. If I did not like him I would pay half to be fair, and if I enjoyed it I would let him pay and pay the next time.

ViceLikeBlip · 31/08/2021 17:52

I'm really awkward in most social situations. I hate it when anyone ever offers to pay for me in any scenario, and it makes me incredibly uncomfortable if they "insist" even after you've politely declined. If I've said "thanks for the offer, but no thanks", why do they push it? I find it weird and controlling.

Everyone's surely on a slightly (vastly) different budget, so it doesn't work for me taking it in turns to pay, because I never know what I'm allowed to order when the other person is paying, and I'm always anxious what they're ordering when I'm paying!

I'm happiest always just paying for myself, especially if it's my birthday and I've invited people out for a meal (otherwise I'm basically asking them to come and buy me dinner!)

PallasStrand · 31/08/2021 17:52

[quote Stigofthedump40]@PallasStrand as i said i am old school.. he is young but from a different country and has been brought up to look after women[/quote]
He must have had a lot of shocks before meeting someone helpless enough to want to be ‘looked after’ in the way you seem to want.

PurpleDaisies · 31/08/2021 17:55

@frogswimming

Purple. Based on my idea of what should happen on a first date. I think it's an established signal that the man will treat you considerately in future. Politeness. It doesn't mean he will treat you well, but if he can't even be arsed to at least try to act considerately on a first date it's not a good indicator of the way he'll treat you in future.

Like in the wedding singer when the fiancé makes drew Barrymore sit in the aisle on the plane. So she realises she should be with Adam sandler who is kind and not selfish. Slagging off exes and not being nice to his mum would also be off putting.

This is just a totally bullshit justification for sticking to an outdated tradition that makes a convenient excuse for women to avoid paying.

There is no good reason a man ought to pay for a first date over a woman. None. He is not impolite for not doing something there is absolutely no good reason to expect he should do.

Giving someone a comfort seat doesn’t involve money. It’s irrelevant to this discussion.

FourTeaFallOut · 31/08/2021 17:55

The problem here is that most women do not want to ask a man out on a date. They want to be asked.

Meh, I never had the patience to be waiting around to be asked out. It's not my problem if other women would rather spend their time crossing their fingers than getting things done.

frogswimming · 31/08/2021 17:56

I would offer to pay out of politeness. But I'd expect him to pay unless I was really insistent. After the first date Splitting the bill would be ok with me. It's first date etiquette for him to at least offer. As you're together more then it will depend who earns more or on a whole host of other circumstances that you become aware of as a couple together. First date is to try each other out.

stepupandbecounted · 31/08/2021 17:56

Why does it have to be like that? It’s never been like that for me

and that is sad, because having excitement, fun and feeling special is an important part of feeling valued in a relationship. Dh flew me to NY as a surprise, I bought him a painting he had admired for years.

I can't really imagine spending my life with anyone that begrudged paying for dinner. I actually dropped a few decent enough men because they were so miserly. It does not bode well for the future.

2boysDad · 31/08/2021 17:56

Since (in my experience and that of all of my friends) women NEVER ask men out, the idea that "whoever asks the other person out should pay" is effectively the same as saying the "man should pay".

At least be honest about it.

Personally I would offer to pay but mostly because it would seem like the safer option, about 3/4 of the responses on here seem to indicate it's expected. I really don't know what the rules are, I wouldn't know what to tell my boys if they asked me for advice.

Would I judge a woman who didn't offer to split the bill or pay for a 2nd date?

If they admitted to being "old fashioned" then no I wouldn't. At least they would be open about the rules (I congratulate some of the posters on here who have at least been clear about what they expect and admit to being old fashioned).

But to be blunt I wouldn't be up for a second date under those circumstances unless they were seriously attractive or "up for it"

piddocktrumperiness · 31/08/2021 17:56

I'd add that I'd get the second round of coffee or cakes or whatever, or pay half the bill on the second date
I have done both before

stepupandbecounted · 31/08/2021 17:56

Message for purple

PurpleDaisies · 31/08/2021 17:56

Or that he is the type of man who will always expect you to pay half of everything...good luck with that on maternity leave

He’s probably more likely to support your career and take shared parental leave.

frogswimming · 31/08/2021 17:57

Purple. The money is actually irrelevant to me. It's the gesture of offering to be the one who pays. So exactly like drew Barrymore.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 31/08/2021 17:58

No way would it put me off, why would it?

stepupandbecounted · 31/08/2021 17:58

But to be blunt I wouldn't be up for a second date under those circumstances unless they were seriously attractive or "up for it"

How would you know if they were up for it or not? I would not be interested in sex until at least a few months of dating etc.

JassyRadlett · 31/08/2021 17:59

@stepupandbecounted

jassy You are not saying anything that is breaking news! That is how good relationships work. We bring each other happiness, surprises and excitement. It is equal. I am a very generous person, so I would find any kind of penny pinching very unattractive. I would pay the next time.

Assuming he invited me, I would expect him to pay. If I did not like him I would pay half to be fair, and if I enjoyed it I would let him pay and pay the next time.

Great, that’s nice. Why is it then such a no-no for him not to immediately pick up the bill on a first date? To start as he means to go on - as equals. Why isn’t the onus on the woman to show that she’s not a precious princess who’s going to expect him to bankroll her social life? Or both of them pay? Particularly in an OLD world?

The ‘x asked y out so x must pay’ seems like such an old fashioned idea to me, particularly given how most people meet, and women shouldn’t be surprised if some men confronted with this expectation might also expect women to conform to some of the other stereotypes that used to go alongside it…