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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Be honest. If a man expected you...

871 replies

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 31/08/2021 16:25

to split the bill on a first date would it put you off?

OP posts:
LifesNotEnidBlyton · 31/08/2021 17:35

To split it would. To pay for what I've actually had it wouldn't as much. To split I'd assume he was trying to pull one because he'd had more than me and knew that and wanted me to pay towards his (obviously if I knew I'd had more I wouldn't think that, but he's more likely to eat and drink more than I would). So I'd go assuming I'd be buying my own but wouldnt see it as "misogynistic" or something if he did offer to and wouldn't have a problem letting him, unless I wasn't going to see him again and didn't want to lead him on.

PurpleDaisies · 31/08/2021 17:36

@frogswimming

Purple. I think it's just first date etiquette. I wouldn't think he would know best in other situations. It's just like saying 'how are you' and replying 'I'm fine thanks'. If he couldn't pay without future expectations of sex in return or being the boss then the date would be very short.
Based on what? Outdated nonsense.
ABitOfAShitShow · 31/08/2021 17:36

@SukonthaM

I know it’s frowned upon nowadays to expect a man to pay, but I would actually expect the man to pay for the first date. But only if I plan to see him again. If I had no interest in a second date then I’d insist on at least splitting the bill.
Me too.
Oaktree1952 · 31/08/2021 17:37

Yes definitely. There would be no second date as not the man for me. I think it shows how they would treat you in your married life. It shows how generous they are. If they couldn't afford the bill go for a picnic or McDonald's etc, or don't offer to go for dinner, suggest a walk etc. Just like I wouldn't go out with some who wouldn't let me go through the door first or walk on the roadside of the path.

noblegreenk · 31/08/2021 17:37

No. I expect to split the bill and I'd feel uncomfortable if he insisted on paying.

RollaCola84 · 31/08/2021 17:38

@stepupandbecounted I insist on being treated well. That starts at the beginning.

So do I, I just don't agree that paying for things is the only way to be treated well. Or even that they're the same thing

OctaviaTriangle · 31/08/2021 17:38

Yes it would put me right off.

A relationship is all about give and take of course but you want a man to treat you right I assume? If he can't even be arsed to treat you to dinner on a first date when he's supposed to be setting out his stall then no thanks, I'd be off.

I'm married so it's irrelevant but I've always paid my way so I don't approach this from any other angle other than I'd find it so unsexy to sit opposite a man who was working out how much I owed for my pizza and drink

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 31/08/2021 17:39

[quote Boatonthehorizon]@CoffeeTopUp
Haircut / colour £90
Nails £25
Eyebrows £10
Dress £50
Shoes £30
New tights £5

£210 and thats doing it cheaply. Expense is one of the reasons I dont bother any more.[/quote]
Quite a few people have picked this apart but I agree with your basic point that it generally costs more for women to get ready for a date than it does for men.

As much as most of mumsnet would be happy rocking up wearing rags or whatever they can find lying around, I'd usually buy something new at some point while dating.

I like to look nice on dates to make me feel good about myself. That may involve a new pair of boots and a new dress. I might get my hair cut more often than I usually would and perhaps buy a new lipstick. If I'm feeling a bit crap, I might have the odd beauty treatment too. It's nice to make an effort.

Of course, there's always going to be the exception of the odd few men who spend more than women, the ones who spend millions of pounds on a new shirt and overly expensive haircuts.

The point still stands, women tend to have more costs than men. I man can get away with wearing jeans he's had for a decade and just wear a decent shirt whereas a woman is probably going to want to wear a nice dress. Plus, women are more likely to have childcare costs to attend the date in the first place.

Poppins88 · 31/08/2021 17:39

"RollaCola84

@Poppins88 Apart from the fact that it's good manners for the person who asked the other out to cover the bill

is this only for romantic dinners or any social occasion ??? Never occurred to me that if I suggest an outing to friends then I should pay.

Exactly!

So, if I suggested lunch out to a friend, it’s on me, is it?!

Some of the views on this thread are just embarrassing"

... there is no element of romance in asking a friend for coffee?! Dating and friendships are different things, not sure why we're comparing apples and oranges here?! And depending on the type of relationship/dynamic you have with your friends, you may very well get the coffee/rounds in if you wanted to treat them.

SimonJT · 31/08/2021 17:39

@stepupandbecounted

This thread is a total eye opener on why some women end up in disastrously unequal relationships unable to figure out how they ended up in a cycle of drudgery

I was thinking the exact opposite. The early dates set the tone for a relationship. If he can not even manage to treat you to dinner, much less weekends away etc and show some keen interest and romance, then what the hell happens in twenty years, and he is slumped in front of the TV and puts zero effort into the relationship, hasn't bought you flowers in a decade and does not appreciate anything you do.

I insist on being treated well. That starts at the beginning.

So someone on a date with you should be happy to be treated poorly?
SimonJT · 31/08/2021 17:40

I wouldn’t have gone on a second date with my husband if he had insisted on paying, a relationship is a partnership, it should be equal. Being a freeloader and choosing not to pay your way isn’t equal, its tight and grabby.

frogswimming · 31/08/2021 17:40

If I invited a friend out I would offer to pay. Or pay half. Or pay next time.

A date is to try and discern future compatibility. If the man doesn't at least offer then I'd think he was stingy which wouldn't bode well.

Having said that, I've never actually been on a first date like that. I met dh and previous boyfriends in groups of friends at pub etc so it wasn't relevant. If he never got a round in I wouldn't have been impressed. I have no idea who paid for first meal out.

I think my current view is based on watching too much 'first dates'. Any man who doesn't pay on that tv show looks really rude. It's like an unspoken thing participants should know.

PallasStrand · 31/08/2021 17:41

[quote Stigofthedump40]@coffeeTopUp yes precisely.. i also think women are better placed looking after the home while men work.. it is very old school and very sexist but it is how i was raised and thankfully my partner has the same views.. he pays for everything, brings money home and i look after our children. He pays on all our dates even now.. it makes him feel like the man[/quote]
How delightfully well-suited you are. Did your OLD profiles both say ‘Fifties Throwback Seeks Equally Reactionary Mate’? Hmm

Planttrees · 31/08/2021 17:42

Yes but I am old fashioned.

PurpleDaisies · 31/08/2021 17:42

A relationship is all about give and take of course but you want a man to treat you right I assume? If he can't even be arsed to treat you to dinner on a first date when he's supposed to be setting out his stall then no thanks, I'd be off.

Treating someone well doesn’t mean having to pay for them. Would you pay for everything next time?

CatalinaCasesolver · 31/08/2021 17:43

Yes

PurpleDaisies · 31/08/2021 17:43

A date is to try and discern future compatibility. If the man doesn't at least offer then I'd think he was stingy which wouldn't bode well.

Why should he? Would you offer to pay for everything on a first date? I assume not so you must be stingy…

Pickersgill · 31/08/2021 17:43

Nope, I'd expect to pay half. Although it has been many years since I went on a date!

Once we'd been going out a while it would be ok for him to offer to treat me (as I would him). But first date would definitely be a split.

Namenic · 31/08/2021 17:44

No - I’d be more relaxed as I’d feel I didn’t owe him anything. I’d offer to split.

JassyRadlett · 31/08/2021 17:44

@stepupandbecounted

This thread is a total eye opener on why some women end up in disastrously unequal relationships unable to figure out how they ended up in a cycle of drudgery

I was thinking the exact opposite. The early dates set the tone for a relationship. If he can not even manage to treat you to dinner, much less weekends away etc and show some keen interest and romance, then what the hell happens in twenty years, and he is slumped in front of the TV and puts zero effort into the relationship, hasn't bought you flowers in a decade and does not appreciate anything you do.

I insist on being treated well. That starts at the beginning.

And to me. But to me, being treated well is treating each other as equals, not behaving based on totally outdated notions of ‘manliness’ based on a model where the man brings home money and occasionally treats her to a night out or a bunch of flowers and considers her job done, while the children, house and all the family admin (apart from the big bills of course!) and keeping herself ‘looking great for him’ are her domain. And these days she probably has to work at least part time as well. It’s horribly transactional.

I’ve taken my husband away on at least as many weekends away as he’s taken me. He probably does more of the laundry than I do. And so on.

I treat him well. He treats me well. Sometimes I ‘treat’ him, sometimes he ‘treats’ me to things, but we wouldn’t dream of keeping score of who paid last time, whose turn it was or whose genitalia meant they were more suited to paying for which activity. I wouldn’t put up with anything less, and neither would he. Because we’re actual equals, and have been since the start.

stepupandbecounted · 31/08/2021 17:45

So do I, I just don't agree that paying for things is the only way to be treated well

I mean treated well, as in he needs to put in serious effort for me to find him interesting, and that usually costs money (not always, it is possible to be very thoughtful and that doesn't cost anything) If he is sat there dividing up the drinks and costs I would find that so deeply off putting.

I definitely want to be swept off my feet, and I love to spoil and enjoy my dates too, that is what makes it fun and exciting! Not sat there like Victor Meldrew with his calculator Grin

JassyRadlett · 31/08/2021 17:45

A date is to try and discern future compatibility. If the man doesn't at least offer then I'd think he was stingy which wouldn't bode well.

So what’s he supposed to think about you, then, if you don’t instantly offer to pick up the bill?

CatalinaCasesolver · 31/08/2021 17:46

I should say yes, but I would pay the next time. IMO splitting the bill is unromantic.

JassyRadlett · 31/08/2021 17:47

Who the hell is sitting there with a calculator rather than just being able to divide by two, out of interest?

PurpleDaisies · 31/08/2021 17:47

I definitely want to be swept off my feet, and I love to spoil and enjoy my dates too, that is what makes it fun and exciting! Not sat there like Victor Meldrew with his calculator.

Why does it have to be like that? It’s never been like that for me. Bill arrives-round up to easy number to halve. Both pay that (unless big difference then someone chucks in more to compensate). It’s not difficult.

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