Be honest. If a man expected you...

[AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit]

to split the bill on a first date would it put you off?

Wow @PatriciaBateman
Brilliant post. Sums up exactly how I feel but much more articulately than I could say!

Wow @PatriciaBateman that's a really compelling perspective

All these women saying they want an equal partnership hence why they pay...so naive. I can assure you the men aren't thinking the same...they're generally thinking, excellent I saved £27.50 on that meal. Oh and when you go off on maternity leave, you won't be able to keep up your equal partnership as your income will dip significantly. He'll have to contribute more or you'll be penny pinching, rinsing your savings or getting into debt.

It is not naive at all. My OH is thinking exactly the same. He shared all his money when I was on mat leave. He is very generous with both his time, care and money. It is possible to find a man who is not the tyrant you are suggesting. My friend's OP's are all the same. Perhaps you have just been unlucky or made bad choices.

@putthetubeinthebin, you seem to think that ‘nurturing and providing’ is something done by men to and for women. Surely in any well-balanced, healthy heterosexual relationship, men snd women should both be nurturing and providing for one another and their children, if any? Thereby reactionary gestures of ‘benevolent’ sexism on a first date are only relevant if you genuinely think it’s a man’s job to ‘provide and nurture’, because you’re female and for some reason incapable.

All these points about equality of value in society all very well from the first proper date but if you're doing OLD then the first 'date' is a bit different.

@PatriciaBateman completely agree

@Palavah

All these points about equality of value in society all very well from the first proper date but if you're doing OLD then the first 'date' is a bit different.

My thoughts were initially in ref to OLD dating. I'd expect for each to pay for their own. But thinking about it, it's unlikely to be more than a coffee anyway. If it was a first date of the good old fashioned variety, with a man asking me out, yes I'd like him to pay. I have sons and was in mind of them being expected to pay for all online dates, which seemed a bit harsh really

Yes. I'd feel he didn't fancy me that much.

My brother is a tightwad on dates. He spouts equality bollocks. But both times he dated women he really, really fancied, he's paid for most stuff.

He's currently with someone he doesn't fancy. They split everything. At Christmas, they agree a budget and she chooses her own presents. 😬

No it wouldn’t put me off. Not on the first date anyway but I do pay attention to how tight someone is with money on the first few dates. Not necessarily paying but if I grab something and they don’t return the favour then that would put me off.

One of my friends says he never pays the bill on the first date because he does a lot of OLD and the amount of women he saw for one date, paid for dinner and then never saw again was ridiculous.

When I was a student I worked with a girl who was also a poor student and she used to go on about 4 dinner dates with different guys from tinder a week and then block them after he’d paid and they’d parted ways!

I went on a date once, and the guy practically brought his calculator out, this was despite me driving, and paying for parking and him asking me out! It was a massive turn off and he did not get a 2nd date.
When I met my now DH we own paid for our own drinks but we met online and more arranged to meet up. I then paid for the 2nd date and he paid for the 3rd.
I personally don't expect a guy to "treat" me, but I also find being so obviously tight really off putting!

[quote LargeBouquet]@putthetubeinthebin, you seem to think that ‘nurturing and providing’ is something done by men to and for women. Surely in any well-balanced, healthy heterosexual relationship, men snd women should both be nurturing and providing for one another and their children, if any? Thereby reactionary gestures of ‘benevolent’ sexism on a first date are only relevant if you genuinely think it’s a man’s job to ‘provide and nurture’, because you’re female and for some reason incapable.[/quote]
But we are still often incapable for a length of time. How many women start threads about their tight husbands paying them a pittance in housekeeping while they're on maternity leave or staying at home while the kids are small?

By virtue of being the ones who carry children and earn less over the course of our careers we need to know the person we're with is a provider.

I know not all women etc etc but for me it's true

The term "old-fashioned" is doing a lot of heavy lifting in some of these posts. Tight would be more accurate. What do these women expect if they ask a man out instead of vice versa? Do the men still pay then?

I've actually raised children as a single mum and took only 6 weeks maternity leave each time. Neither paid for me on dates so I'm going in to things with a higher bar this time around!

I'd like to split the bill, would feel equal and maybe later when we got to know each other better, it would be sweet to offer to cover each other's. On a first date I'd feel uncomfortable with it.

@FlumpsAreShit

It wouldn't put me off but offering to treat me would be a point in his favour (even though I'd probably decline!!)

Same.

But we are still often incapable for a length of time. How many women start threads about their tight husbands paying them a pittance in housekeeping while they're on maternity leave or staying at home while the kids are small?

By virtue of being the ones who carry children and earn less over the course of our careers we need to know the person we're with is a provider.

I know not all women etc etc but for me it's true

I'm not sure who pays for what on a first date is an especially reliable indicator of how men will behave when their partner is on maternity leave.

Anyone that has experienced a cock lodger (or someone trying to be) will be paying much more attention the early stages of the dating than someone who has not experienced it. You can see pretty early on, the writing is on the wall - you just need to be paying attention.

If I made an invite to anyone (friends, family, non OLD- dates ), I would fully expect to be paying, of course OLD is bit different, bit I would still expect to pay, but also imagine the other person would at least offer to split the bill, But as I’ve found out on this thread that’s code for ‘not interested “, as happened on my last but one date 😩

No, I would be glad too.

He doesn't expect anything, you owe him nothing, and if you don't hit it off then you both go your own ways and have paid for your own dinner.

It seems far more equal to me, especially in these times when going on multiple dates with different people is far more common than it ever was before.

@VulvaTeeth

The term "old-fashioned" is doing a lot of heavy lifting in some of these posts. Tight would be more accurate. What do these women expect if they ask a man out instead of vice versa? Do the men still pay then?

I think most women looking for ‘old fashioned’ courtship don’t ask men out. I certainly never did and all my dates were from OLD. Didn’t chase, didn’t travel, didn’t call them, didn’t pay, and def didn’t sleep with them. Worked for me at the age of 30 dating men in their 30s and 40s.

It is not naive at all. My OH is thinking exactly the same. He shared all his money when I was on mat leave. He is very generous with both his time, care and money. It is possible to find a man who is not the tyrant you are suggesting. My friend's OP's are all the same. Perhaps you have just been unlucky or made bad choices.

Aye, and I supported my husband through shared parental leave and Covid-driven hours cuts and salary slashing, just as he’d have done for me if it were the other way around. That’s the partnership thing, though, right? Actual partners without weird unbalanced expectations based on gender?

I don't get that attitude at all, sorry. I've never done online dating, so can't comment on how "asking out" is done on there, but surely if there's someone who you like, you're attracted to, who you'd potentially want to pursue a relationship with (or, for OLD, their profile makes them an attractive option)... Just ask them? Don't pursue it if there's no real reciprocation, sure, but why wouldn't you want to be a little proactive in your own dating life?

No I would insist on it.

Being on dating apps, socialising, self care making sure you have attractive pictures, profile, responding nicely to messages and making time for dates is pro active enough in dating.
Too many men on OLD will read asking them out and pursuing them as desperation. They’ll respond of course because it’s easy but usually only long enough for a quick leg over. OLD is just a numbers game so by pursuing you waste time and energy on men that are not really into you. Choosing from the men that approach you, travel to you, pay for dates means you are at least cutting out on the huge portion of men that will date you even if they don’t find you attractive as long as you’re making it easy.

Would be majorly put off if he at least did’t offer to pay.